We tend to think of surrogacy as a modern concept, but biological surrogacy has been recorded back into ancient times. With biological surrogacy, a person carries a baby created with their own egg and the sperm of the parent or a third party.
Before conception, the child is intended to be given to and raised by another person, making it different than adoption.
Gestational surrogacy is the kind that has only been around since the 1970s. It came about with IVF advancements.
The surrogate carries a fetus that isn't biologically theirs. The parents—or donors if needed, supply the egg and sperm to create the fetus that's implanted into the surrogate.
Such reproductive medicine advancements made it possible for more people to become biological parents, including same sex couples.
A new father who used a surrogate to become a parent turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships. However there are no official voting acronyms and no final judgment given.
StockAd8565 asked:
"AITAH? I won't let my sister meet my son because of her views on surrogacy."
The original poster (OP) explained:
"When my husband (32, male) and I (28, male) told our families about our intentions to have a child within the next year, my sister (34, female) is the only one who reacted with anything other than support."
"For our first baby, my husband and I decided on going the surrogacy route. My sister seemingly took this as a personal attack."
"She spent the rest of the dinner my parents were hosting essentially ranting about how surrogacy is misogynistic, exploitative, that we're gross for wanting to rent a woman's body."
"Okay, sure. You can have your thoughts on the process."
"But it didn't end there. Every time we gave an update to family and she was in attendance, she would make it a point of reminding us how she felt."
"Our son was born a little over two months ago."
"We've been keeping him to ourselves since he was born, so his immune system strengthens, but we've been slowly introducing him to more people lately."
"My husband's parents came over two weeks ago, and then my parents came last weekend."
"Yesterday, my sister texted to ask when she could meet the baby and I told her I didn't particularly want someone around him who was so against his entire existence. I said that if she had it her way, my son wouldn't even be here."
"She says I'm being unfair, but I just can't imagine her around my child when she was so adamantly disdainful towards us during his conception and throughout the pregnancy."
"AITAH?"
Based on responses asking why the OP didn't just get pregnant, the OP had to later add:
"MY HUSBAND AND I ARE BOTH MEN."
"It's in the first line of the post."
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Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was justified in their choice to limit contact with their sister (NTA).
"NTA. My husband and I did IVF after years of infertility. A family member was very open about how IVF was a sin and even called my unborn child an abomination and a lab rat."
"We still have very limited contact with this person and have NEVER nor will we ever allow them to be alone or close in contact with our child. There are certain events where this person cannot be avoided but we keep our distance."
"Like you don't have to agree to the steps someone takes to build their family but you can keep those negative thoughts to yourself. There's no need to have that negativity around something as happy as a baby." ~ countrybutcaribbean
"NTA. Do I understand her views on surrogacy? Yes, I do. However, once it was already in the works (and I'm certain y'all didn't exploit some poor and impoverished Eastern European woman to carry your baby), she should've let it the f*ck go."
"Going on and on about it up until your son was born wasn't needed or necessary."
"If it's an ethical issue for her, then she ought to accept the fact that'll mean limited interactions with the child she opposed the existence of."
"It's like telling a woman she ought to get an abortion (I'm pro-choice btw, but I'm referring to pushing someone into an abortion they already said they don't want), and then expecting her to allow you significant time with the baby you said she should've aborted."
"You can't have it both ways." ~ PsycheAsHell
"The problem with surrogacy is unchecked capitalism, which is also the problem with sex work, stay at home parenting, physical labor, etc..."
"Our entire society is built upon the exploitation of people's labor in various shapes and forms. There's a huge range of how demeaning and violating this exploitation is, but it all comes back to the same root source: unchecked greed and treating people like things."
"Being a surrogate isn't inherently exploitative. Being a surrogate out of desperation and lack of other choices is."
"We don't know what circumstances OP and his husband's surrogate was in, so we really can't judge that. And neither can his sister. NTA, OP." ~ lady_polaris
"NTA. I'd keep her far away from your sweet child. First chance she gets when he's older, she'll probably tell him to his face what she's always felt."
"She'll probably tell him that he's not really a part of the family. You picked up what she was putting down, and she's getting exactly what she asked for and deserves." ~ Zaula_Ray
"NTA. My friend has been a surrogate and she loves it. She enjoys pregnancy, but didn't want to have more children. She also loves being able to help couples who were struggling. So your sister can't speak for all women." ~ Personal_Conflict_49
"Surrogate here! I enjoy being pregnant and I don't get any of the normal symptoms (morning sickness, headaches, exhaustion). I'm about to give a family a child and that's so f*cking cool to me that I'm able to do this incredible thing and change someone's life." ~ Starjupiter93
"NTA. And what is misogynistic is her thinking she can tell other women what to do with their bodies. It's like 'feminists' looking down on stay-at-home moms. Feminism was about women getting to make their own choices." ~ Guilty-Choice6797
"NTA - these are the consequences of your sister's actions and beliefs. You didn't force anyone to carry your child, and there are many women who would gladly volunteer to be a surrogate. Even some women who can't carry a child opt for surrogates."
"Your sister has feminism all wrong, it's about women being able to choose what to do with their lives." ~ Visual-Lobster6625
"I do genuinely want to know though: would you bring it up after the first time, when the person going through it is giving updates? Or would you let it go after your opinion has been stated?"
"Because it sounds like she was criticizing them every time they tried to share updates for at least the nine months, if not longer, and I could just as easily imagine any new parent not wanting to bring their kid around someone who went out of their way to make what should have been a happy time negative."
"Like, if we were to take surrogacy out of this, and replace it with any other argument (IVF: someone who thinks it's wrong and unnatural, adoption: someone who thinks there should be a blood relation, natural: someone who thinks everyone should be child-free), I know I would probably put some distance between me and that person, especially after I have my child, because all I've heard from them regarding this is negative." ~ auntieabra
"NTA. I also agree with the feminist perspective that surrogacy is unethical—especially when it involves exploitation, lack of regulation, or economic inequality."
"That said, I don't think that justifies your sister's approach. It's one thing to have a moral stance and another to shame or lecture someone who made a personal choice, especially in a moment that should be joyful for them."
"There are ways to discuss these issues that are empathetic and respectful, and your sister's behavior doesn't sound like it was either."
"But more than that, she's an adult and your sister. She could made it known she didn't like the idea then should have left it at that." ~ Significant-Bat-1168
"NTA. Baby should only be around people who would love the bejesus out of him." ~ CrazyFishLady94
If the sister had stated her stance on surrogacy once before the pregnancy, then let it go, the OP probably wouldn't be cutting her out of his son's life.
But with her continuing to harp on the matter throughout the pregnancy, he's right to fear what she might say about or someday to his child.
His sister is free to have and express her beliefs.
But he's also free to act on her words.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp