We tend to think of surrogacy as a modern concept, but biological surrogacy has been recorded back into ancient times. With biological surrogacy, a person carries a baby created with their own egg and the sperm of the parent or a third party.
Before conception, the child is intended to be given to and raised by another person, making it different than adoption.
Gestational surrogacy is the kind that has only been around since the 1970s. It came about with IVF advancements.
The surrogate carries a fetus that isn’t biologically theirs. The parents—or donors if needed, supply the egg and sperm to create the fetus that’s implanted into the surrogate.
Such reproductive medicine advancements made it possible for more people to become biological parents, including same sex couples.
A new father who used a surrogate to become a parent turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships. However there are no official voting acronyms and no final judgment given.
StockAd8565 asked:
“AITAH? I won’t let my sister meet my son because of her views on surrogacy.”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“When my husband (32, male) and I (28, male) told our families about our intentions to have a child within the next year, my sister (34, female) is the only one who reacted with anything other than support.”
“For our first baby, my husband and I decided on going the surrogacy route. My sister seemingly took this as a personal attack.”
“She spent the rest of the dinner my parents were hosting essentially ranting about how surrogacy is misogynistic, exploitative, that we’re gross for wanting to rent a woman’s body.”
“Okay, sure. You can have your thoughts on the process.”
“But it didn’t end there. Every time we gave an update to family and she was in attendance, she would make it a point of reminding us how she felt.”
“Our son was born a little over two months ago.”
“We’ve been keeping him to ourselves since he was born, so his immune system strengthens, but we’ve been slowly introducing him to more people lately.”
“My husband’s parents came over two weeks ago, and then my parents came last weekend.”
“Yesterday, my sister texted to ask when she could meet the baby and I told her I didn’t particularly want someone around him who was so against his entire existence. I said that if she had it her way, my son wouldn’t even be here.”
“She says I’m being unfair, but I just can’t imagine her around my child when she was so adamantly disdainful towards us during his conception and throughout the pregnancy.”
“AITAH?”
Based on responses asking why the OP didn’t just get pregnant, the OP had to later add:
“MY HUSBAND AND I ARE BOTH MEN.”
“It’s in the first line of the post.”
GIPHY
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was justified in their choice to limit contact with their sister (NTA).
“NTA. My husband and I did IVF after years of infertility. A family member was very open about how IVF was a sin and even called my unborn child an abomination and a lab rat.”
“We still have very limited contact with this person and have NEVER nor will we ever allow them to be alone or close in contact with our child. There are certain events where this person cannot be avoided but we keep our distance.”
“Like you don’t have to agree to the steps someone takes to build their family but you can keep those negative thoughts to yourself. There’s no need to have that negativity around something as happy as a baby.” ~ countrybutcaribbean
“NTA. Do I understand her views on surrogacy? Yes, I do. However, once it was already in the works (and I’m certain y’all didn’t exploit some poor and impoverished Eastern European woman to carry your baby), she should’ve let it the f*ck go.”
“Going on and on about it up until your son was born wasn’t needed or necessary.”
“If it’s an ethical issue for her, then she ought to accept the fact that’ll mean limited interactions with the child she opposed the existence of.”
“It’s like telling a woman she ought to get an abortion (I’m pro-choice btw, but I’m referring to pushing someone into an abortion they already said they don’t want), and then expecting her to allow you significant time with the baby you said she should’ve aborted.”
“You can’t have it both ways.” ~ PsycheAsHell
“The problem with surrogacy is unchecked capitalism, which is also the problem with sex work, stay at home parenting, physical labor, etc…”
“Our entire society is built upon the exploitation of people’s labor in various shapes and forms. There’s a huge range of how demeaning and violating this exploitation is, but it all comes back to the same root source: unchecked greed and treating people like things.”
“Being a surrogate isn’t inherently exploitative. Being a surrogate out of desperation and lack of other choices is.”
“We don’t know what circumstances OP and his husband’s surrogate was in, so we really can’t judge that. And neither can his sister. NTA, OP.” ~ lady_polaris
“NTA. I’d keep her far away from your sweet child. First chance she gets when he’s older, she’ll probably tell him to his face what she’s always felt.”
“She’ll probably tell him that he’s not really a part of the family. You picked up what she was putting down, and she’s getting exactly what she asked for and deserves.” ~ Zaula_Ray
“NTA. My friend has been a surrogate and she loves it. She enjoys pregnancy, but didn’t want to have more children. She also loves being able to help couples who were struggling. So your sister can’t speak for all women.” ~ Personal_Conflict_49
“Surrogate here! I enjoy being pregnant and I don’t get any of the normal symptoms (morning sickness, headaches, exhaustion). I’m about to give a family a child and that’s so f*cking cool to me that I’m able to do this incredible thing and change someone’s life.” ~ Starjupiter93
“NTA. And what is misogynistic is her thinking she can tell other women what to do with their bodies. It’s like ‘feminists’ looking down on stay-at-home moms. Feminism was about women getting to make their own choices.” ~ Guilty-Choice6797
“NTA – these are the consequences of your sister’s actions and beliefs. You didn’t force anyone to carry your child, and there are many women who would gladly volunteer to be a surrogate. Even some women who can’t carry a child opt for surrogates.”
“Your sister has feminism all wrong, it’s about women being able to choose what to do with their lives.” ~ Visual-Lobster6625
“I do genuinely want to know though: would you bring it up after the first time, when the person going through it is giving updates? Or would you let it go after your opinion has been stated?”
“Because it sounds like she was criticizing them every time they tried to share updates for at least the nine months, if not longer, and I could just as easily imagine any new parent not wanting to bring their kid around someone who went out of their way to make what should have been a happy time negative.”
“Like, if we were to take surrogacy out of this, and replace it with any other argument (IVF: someone who thinks it’s wrong and unnatural, adoption: someone who thinks there should be a blood relation, natural: someone who thinks everyone should be child-free), I know I would probably put some distance between me and that person, especially after I have my child, because all I’ve heard from them regarding this is negative.” ~ auntieabra
“NTA. I also agree with the feminist perspective that surrogacy is unethical—especially when it involves exploitation, lack of regulation, or economic inequality.”
“That said, I don’t think that justifies your sister’s approach. It’s one thing to have a moral stance and another to shame or lecture someone who made a personal choice, especially in a moment that should be joyful for them.”
“There are ways to discuss these issues that are empathetic and respectful, and your sister’s behavior doesn’t sound like it was either.”
“But more than that, she’s an adult and your sister. She could made it known she didn’t like the idea then should have left it at that.” ~ Significant-Bat-1168
“NTA. Baby should only be around people who would love the bejesus out of him.” ~ CrazyFishLady94
If the sister had stated her stance on surrogacy once before the pregnancy, then let it go, the OP probably wouldn’t be cutting her out of his son’s life.
But with her continuing to harp on the matter throughout the pregnancy, he’s right to fear what she might say about or someday to his child.
His sister is free to have and express her beliefs.
But he’s also free to act on her words.