Trust and loyalty are generally considered things a person earns over time through their actions.
But once scattered, it might never be granted again.
A husband—with a clear aversion to capitalization—turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no official voting acronyms and no final judgment given.
No-Description-9170 asked:
“AITA for telling my wife’s family they’re not welcome at our house after they tried to ‘test’ my loyalty?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“so this is one of those situations where i think i’m justified, but my wife is saying i took it too far and now her whole family is pissed at me.”
“I’ve been married to my wife (29 female) for about a year, together for five. everything’s been good overall, but her family is… intense. very tight-knit, very in-your-business type people. I’ve always tried to be respectful, even when they’re kind of overbearing.”
“so a couple of weeks ago, her cousin (female 25ish?) started texting me out of the blue. just casual at first, like ‘hey how are you’ kind of stuff. i thought it was a little odd, but whatever, we’ve all hung out before.”
“then it gets weird. she starts complimenting me a lot, sending selfies (nothing explicit but def flirty), and then eventually straight-up says ‘if you weren’t married, i’d totally go for you’. i shut it down immediately. told her it was inappropriate, reminded her I’m married to her cousin, and asked her to stop messaging me.”
“i screenshotted everything and showed my wife. she was shocked at first… but THEN tells me it was a ‘loyalty test’ her family came up with to make sure I’m ‘really in it for the long haul’.”
“like??? they literally had her cousin hit on me to see if I’d cheat??”
“I told her that was completely messed up, and I’m not okay with being tested like some kind of lab rat. She tried to defend it like ‘they’ve had bad experiences” and “they just want to protect me’. i said i don’t care, that’s not how adults treat other adults, and i’m not gonna pretend like everything’s normal with them after that.”
“so when her parents invited us over for dinner last weekend, I said I wasn’t going. and i told her i don’t want any of them in our house right now either, not until they can acknowledge how out of line that was. she thinks i’m being dramatic and ‘starting a war over nothing’.”
“Now her mom and aunt are blowing up her phone, saying I’m trying to ‘drive a wedge’ in the family and that I’m being cold and disrespectful.”
“but honestly? I feel like they disrespected me first. big time.”
“so… AITA for banning her family from the house after they tried to trap me in some weird fake cheating scenario? or am i overreacting?”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not in the wrong (NTA).
“NTA. F*ck them. And f*ck your wife too. It was totally a ‘them’ against you, with your wife with ‘them’. How incredibly isolating and hurtful to you.”
“Your wife is failing her loyalty test. Until they all acknowledge their hurtful tribe/outsider behavior, you should stick to your guns.” ~ Bodysurfer8
“NTA, they seem like a toxic bunch of immature idiots. The ‘test’ was evidence of their poor judgment, but doubling down to frame your perfectly reasonable reaction as problematic suggests there may be no recovering from it.”
“Even worse, it sounds like your wife was in on it. If anything, I think you are under-reacting; I would be considering separating.” ~ AdAgitated8109
“People are deflecting the wife’s involvement in this matter. She is on board with this and defending her family. But she fail to realize that her family is now her husband. She should close wagons with her husband and put the low contact law for a few months.”
“I don’t think this deserves a no-contact or any permanent measure. However, the disrespect they showed to the husband warrants some kind of backlash, not her excuses.”
“Well, whatever to defend her, here. She is the one who needs to be loyal to him, not her family. She is failing at that.” ~ Tfuentexxx
“NTA, but your biggest problem is your wife.” ~ GonnaBeIToldUSo
“NTA, but your wife is for taking their side. Her family sounds crazy. If anything, it will be them who drives a wedge between you and your wife and cause your marriage to fail.” ~ Hastings1066
“If my family did this to my partner, I would be cutting them off until they apologized to my partner AND me. They also have no respect for your wife to not trust her choice in a partner and to interfere in her relationship.”
“You need to go to couples counseling because I might consider divorce if my partner didn’t have my back on thinking this is insane and setting boundaries.” ~ Pristine_Cow5623
“Exactly this. Not only did they disrespect you, OP, but they disrespected your wife, and she doesn’t even realize it! That family is straight-up toxic.”
“NTA. I wouldn’t want them in my home either. What will they do next? Steal something from your house to test whether or not you’ll sue ‘family’?” ~ Lazy-Instruction-600
“Tell your current wife ‘Relationships are built on trust. I no longer can trust them, as they have shown themselves to be duplicitous and manipulative. And you defending them is beginning to make me wonder if you were part of this and if I can trust you. For this marriage to survive, we need therapy and boundaries. If you can’t accept that, then accept that you and your family’s actions have likely killed this marriage’.” ~ AdAccomplished6870
“I’m glad I don’t live in a world where people do stupid loyalty tests. Do guys even do this sh*t? I simply do not under the mentality that goes behind being sneaky and underhanded to catch someone out.”
“OP is NTA. OP should reconsider what this relationship is giving him before the children start to arrive. It’s a lot easier to walk away when it’s just adults. And it doesn’t sound like there is anyone else in the family that OP would want to even keep in touch with.” ~ Lucky-Guess8786
“Seriously, OP can’t assume any conversation he has with the ILs is what it seems to be on the surface. He shouldn’t joke with them. He shouldn’t discuss religion or politics.”
“When they bring up problems in their own relationships, he should just nod and keep it moving because any advice he offers will be taken back to the coven so they can talk about how bad his opinion was.”
He should keep their conversations to ‘yes’, ‘no’ and ‘I’ll have to think about that’ and refuse to engage them. They can’t be trusted and they’ve proven that they’re motivated to try to break him and his wife up.”
“At this point, OP can also assume that his wife is telling them things he discussed with her.” ~ RandoCollision
“NTA- That is some TOXIC behavior. Sounds like you have a Wife problem. She KNEW they were testing you and allowed that? This is red flag after red flag.”
“Good luck OP, you’re going to need it. Tell them this was really THEIR loyalty test to see how welcoming and loyal they would be to their new family members. They failed.”
“Make sure if anyone in the family brings a prospective newbie around you very loudly share this story at every family event. ‘Be careful [new person’s name] they’ll have [Cousin’s name] flirt with you to see if you’ll sleep with her to test your “loyalty” and then act like that’s totally sane!’.” ~ BedroomEducational94
“NTA. That is insane. Especially since you’ve already been together five years!” ~ FormSuccessful1122
“In my opinion, people only use those ‘tests’ because they are already pretty convinced the subject will fail. This is so f’ed up of her family, but it kinda shows you where you stand with them. And sounds like your wife KNEW and didnt have a problem…. that says her priority is them over you.”
“Screw her family, but you and your wife need to have some serious conversations if you want this marriage to last.” ~ CryptographerPure301
“NTA—always, always, always turn that around on them. ‘Sorry, but by putting me through that, you failed MY test. And you’re all awful people’.”
“Show your wife this post; if she isn’t stupid, she will have a wake-up call that she is running her marriage.” ~ TheRealRedParadox
“Yeah, this might be a deal breaker, man. Totally screwed up that the wife was in on it. But OP is pissed at the family when his anger should be directed at his sh*tty wife.” ~ Icy-Internal8263
“NTA, but you have a wife problem. She allowed it. She is defending them and not you. She is showing you no loyalty. She does not have your back.” ~ Sunshine-N-gumdrops
“You have a much more serious problem with your wife. I’d guess she was in on the test right from the get-go but won’t admit it because of your reaction to it. It’s very difficult to be in a marriage without trust.”
“The rest of her family are just background noise. Yes, they suck, and cutting them out of your life is the right move, but if your wife put them up to it, I think that’s what needs to be addressed. Her reaction to this whole thing is very wrong.” ~ ZookeepergameOld8988
Many felt the wife’s acceptance and justification of the test was the worst part of the OP’s situation.
Was testing his loyalty really worth losing his trust?