Getting a baby to sleep through the night can be a grueling task.
Some kids take to sleep easily, some not so much.
It can be so stressful that some parents are forced to live in silence in fear of waking the little one.
It is a part of the process, though.
Everybody, including the baby, is going to have to learn eventually.
Redditor SouthernCheek2393 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA? Husband keeps waking up the toddler?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"So our toddler started sleeping alone about a month ago (15 months now)."
"She goes to sleep around 7 pm."
"I tried to be very quiet at least until she falls asleep so I don't wake her."
"I do a lot of household chores when she goes to sleep, but I do them quietly."
"My husband, on the other hand, makes so much noise."
"Of course, I also will accidentally make a noise once in a while."
"I am very apologetic and feel bad right when it happens."
"He, on the other hand, will make noise and not even care much."
"I literally yell at him every day because he always wakes up our toddler."
"His office wall is connected to her bedroom, so any noise he makes while sitting at his desk (like eating or clicking his mouse loudly) will wake her up."
"I get mad at him, but he treats me like I'm overreacting."
"I again called him today, asking him to please try to be quiet after he slammed his plate down when getting food to heat up in the kitchen."
"He told me, 'You'll just have to get over it, it's life.'"
"He also told me that he's mad cause he can't even make noise in his own house."
"I don't feel like I am being unreasonable because as long as he's quiet enough that he doesn't wake her, I don't care."
"I am just tired of being the only one who cares."
"He brings up the fact that I also make noise, but at least I intentionally try not to and feel bad if I'm accidentally loud."
"I just hate to hear my daughter cry because she was woken up."
"It literally causes me anxiety, and I can't do anything until she falls back asleep."
"A minor update... I have a sound machine that we run pretty loudly, so that isn't a solution."
"Also, when I say eating, I mean slamming his fork down on his plate."
"He plays video games, so the clicking is like banging his mouse... lol."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP WAS the A**hole.
"I was with you until you admitted that the 'noise' he is making is clicking his mouse and eating food in another room."
"Your daughter needs to learn to sleep through noises like that, and at this point, it's your anxiety that is making this into a whole thing."
"YTA." ~ Swirlyflurry
"Kids need to learn to sleep through noise."
"I would vacuum in the room when my firstborn was an infant."
"Nothing changed within the goings on in the household with any of my kids."
"Otherwise, you're dealing with issues like this." ~ jentlyused
"This. I used to vacuum underneath my son's crib when he was sleeping."
"I didn't shut either kid's doors when they slept."
"It was the best advice my Mom gave me- don't close their door when they are babies."
"A train could have driven through, and they would sleep like the dead."
"They're adults now, and my daughter's husband is amazed at what she can sleep through."
"Including alarm clocks. Lol."
"I warned him when they moved in together." ~ Various-General-8610
"It sounds to me like when this child was an infant, they didn't make noise around her at all when she was sleeping."
"Now, they can't."
"This was their mistake."
"Babies will learn to sleep through the noise when they are very young, but they can't learn that if parents don't make noise when they are sleeping." ~ UnicornFarts1111
"'Clicking his mouse loudly?' YTA."
"Life has to continue to happen even when the toddler is asleep."
"It doesn't sound like he is doing anything unreasonable."
"If he turned up music or ran the vacuum cleaner, you would have legitimate beef."
"It sounds like he is making an effort."
"Put her in another room if his mouse clicking is too much."
"Toddler will get used to ambient noises and sleep through them soon enough."
"Calm down." ~ underwater_owl
"YTA. If noises like 'clicking loudly' are sufficient to wake her, then it isn't your husband's fault."
"Look into moving around living situations so her room is more isolated, or get a noise machine to try to drown them out." ~ YoshiJoshi_
"I was with you until I read this: 'clicking his mouse loudly', Really?"
"How does anyone click their mouse loudly?"
"You sound like Liz, who killed her husband, Bernie, for chewing his food too loudly in the Cell Block Tango. YTA." ~ Individual_Ad_9213
"YTA blaming the guy for eating or using the computer is unreasonable."
"Some kids are light sleepers."
"A Kid may wake up and fall asleep several times a night."
"If you expect him not to use his office, either move the baby's room or move his office."
"Honestly. If you also wake up the baby and you're not in the adjoining room, the fact that you feel bad about it doesn't seem to be a factor here."
"You have to calm down."
"The child will fall back asleep."
"You can't have everyone else in the household tiptoeing around it."
"It's unsustainable."
"Edit to add: OP states child co-slept for 15 months and is now in their own bed."
"OP, I think you're the one who's having trouble with this transition, and instead of recognizing that, you're making your husband the bad guy." ~ TALKTOME0701
"You have shot yourself in the foot by training her from the start to sleep in silence."
"From day 1, there should have been lots of noise; hell, run a vacuum cleaner near her."
"Life goes on."
"Start getting her used to noise when sleeping, it may not be too late. YTA." ~ Buckupbuttercup1
"YTA. Eating or clicking his mouse loudly wakes her? Seriously?"
"I work from home."
"You just click the mouse."
"We don't have a volume button on it."
"Also, you should be making normal noises since birth so that they learn to sleep through them."
"He should be able to eat and work without a problem."
"Maybe put a noise-canceling machine in her room."
"Or something that plays sounds like the ocean or raindrops to drown out his eating and working."
"S**t, even a fan... you're being ridiculous."
"Make noise."
"You're doing this child a disservice by training her not to sleep through regular noise."
"If he was blasting music or something, I would say he's the AH."
"But the man is simply working and trying to have a meal."
"PS. You super suck for yelling at him every single day for just existing."
"I'm still annoyed that his office WALL is connected to her room, and you think his mouse clicks wake her."
"Eye roll."
"Move her bed then." ~ Appa1904
"Father of four here..."
"Kids need to learn to sleep with normal noise levels."
"I'd love to see a picture of this mouse that clicks loudly enough to wake someone. YTA." ~ wesmorgan1
"You know I was ready to call you not the AH until you mentioned 'eating or clicking his mouse loudly.'"
"If those are the things you're taking issue with with him, I actually don't blame him for being frustrated."
"If you had said he was talking loudly or laughing or slamming things around, that would be different."
"Honestly, it doesn't sound like the issue is with your husband but with your toddler."
"Maybe you need to talk to your pediatrician about why she is such a light sleeper, because it's really not reasonable to expect complete silence every night for hours at a time. YTA." ~ blue-and-bluer
"You could have trained the toddler to sleep through noises early on."
"My sister did it 3x."
"They slept through the vacuum even."
"The last baby slept through literally everything in the same room because she had toddler siblings being loud constantly."
"He's right, though."
"You can't tiptoe around for your whole lives."
"Y'all made that bed, now you lie in it until you fix it." ~ GretaClementine
"YTA. He's not cranking death metal, he's just existing."
"Toddlers need to be able to sleep through routine home sounds."
"If your sound machine isn't working, change it."
"A standing oscillating fan makes decent white noise without visible blades."
"Or play low soothing music in her room."
"Try different things and let the house breathe and live like a functional home." ~ MissMandaRegrets
"Neither you nor your husband should have to live like a mouse for multiple hours every day."
"Don't blast music, sure."
"But eating and clicking a mouse?"
"Come on."
"YTA. The kid will never learn to sleep with noise if they don't learn to sleep with noise."
"Clicking a mouse in the next room is hardly noise." ~ ButItSaysOnline
"YTA. Kids need to get used to a certain level of noise when they are sleeping because the world doesn't stop just because they are asleep."
"I don't even consider what your husband is doing as noisy."
"If it's waking your kid up, then talk to their doctor about why they are a light sleeper or just wait it out until they get used to it, and maybe apologize to your husband." ~ Lazy-Association-311
Reddit has some issues with you and your hubby, OP.
Children need to learn how to self-soothe and sleep through noise.
It's a part of life.
You may want to do some research or consult with your pediatrician on how to proceed.
But living in silence doesn't sound like it's going well.
Good Luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp