Having to travel a long distance for work can be an issue.
It can be grueling on the mind and body.
It’s especially problematic when one doesn’t have the most reliable mode of transportation.
But people have to work to live.
All of this can cause a heavy strain on personal relationships.
Redditor Maximum_Pumpkin_449 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
“AITA for refusing to allow my wife to commute her brother to work every morning?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“B[rother]-I[n]-L[aw] recently moved into our state, lives 25 mins from us.”
“He has recently been searching for jobs and my wife has been taking him to his interviews, drug tests, etc.”
“My wife and I share one car because I mostly work from home while only going to the office twice a week, so I had no problem with her giving him rides to his appointments. “
“The problem now I discovered is all of the jobs he’s considering are well over 40 minutes without traffic from him, and there isn’t any public transportation. “
“He doesn’t have a car, and I think he’s expecting my wife to give him rides every morning cause she currently doesn’t work.”
“So I brought this up with my wife yesterday and asked her how he will commute to these jobs he’s considering.”
“She said she doesn’t know.”
“I told her maybe he should consider jobs nearby like retail, cashier, or some other job that’s an easier commute for him.”
“She got upset that I would suggest what kind of job her brother should take.”
“She said it’s his decision.”
“Then I firmly told her, if he takes any of the far-distance jobs, he’s on his own on his commutes.”
“She stormed out of the room, yelling I’m selfish.”
“In my opinion, while I understand my wife wants to help her brother, they are not considering the logistics of having to commute long distances when I also need my car from time to time.”
“I understand there’s a chance it can work, but I’d rather not deal with the unnecessary stress of planning my life around the time her brother needs to go to work.”
“I find it a bit disrespectful that they are planning all of this without once consulting me on if I’m ok with any of this or how it impacts me.”
“To be frank, I don’t even think they’ve considered the commuting logistics at all.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So… AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. That’s also significant wear and tear on the shared card, as well as a lot of gas money.” ~ Dangerous_End9472
“Exactly. People often underestimate the true costs of time, gas, and car maintenance.”
“It’s not just a small favor, it’s a daily commitment with real impact.”
“OP’s totally valid for wanting a say in that.” ~ HonneyMufffin
“NTA… plus the time!”
“Just because my wife doesn’t have a job doesn’t mean she’s available to drive Miss Daisy around!” ~ Ok-Knowledge9154
“Of course, it would impact him.”
“This is a car they share, and it might not be available when he needs it.”
“Not to mention gas and wear and tear on their shared assets.” ~ Some-Astronaut-6907
“Agree. This is so clear, I’m wondering who the commenters are who are saying anything other than NTA?”
“OP goes into the office twice a week.”
“That requires the use of the only car they have.”
“If the wife commits to taking the brother back and forth to work, what happens on those two days when OP needs the car to get to his job?”
“The job that pays for everything, as my wife does not work.”
“And that is without factoring in the 90 minutes morning and afternoon that my wife is committed to be brother’s ride. 3 hours a day just to get my brother to a job?”
“That is not sustainable.” ~ One_Ad_704
“NTA. I get that your wife is trying to help her brother, but he should not be taking jobs that he can’t get to.”
“He’s a grown a** adult and needs to figure his shit out and not rely on his sister to bail him out.”
“She needs to understand that you and your family have to come before her troubled brother.” ~ Hefty-Equivalent6581
“BIL needs a job before he can start saving for a car.”
“She probably thinks that retail doesn’t pay enough versus the jobs he’s interviewing for.”
“But I don’t think your wife has a realistic sense of how long she’d have to drive him to/from daily to have him save up for a car + insurance.”
“Months? Upwards of a year?”
“This likely makes it difficult for your wife to get a job of her own with these daily time restrictions (80 min drive round trip twice a day).”
“So you’re the one exclusively funding the family car, gas, and insurance.”
“Wife views as OP unsupportive, but she also needs to be realistic.”
“How exactly is he going to get to work when you need the car to go to the office… as the breadwinner?”
“It is not realistic to have her continue driving him daily until he saves enough for a car.” ~ Snackinpenguin
“Agreed. It’s not fair for BIL to take a job that hinges on the assumption that his sister will drive him to and from work every day indefinitely.”
“But he does need a job, and even if he can get a retail gig that can cover his day-to-day expenses, he probably won’t have a whole lot leftover to save for a car.”
“Not to mention, retail is very inconsistent schedule-wise, and it would probably be harder for OP’s wife to constantly keep up with his commuting needs, whereas office jobs tend to be more consistent, and a little more forgiving if you’re 5 mins late here and there; not to mention a lot of office jobs are hybrid and he might not need a ride to and from work every single day, but those jobs are more likely to pay enough to allow for him to save for a car, or finance one.” ~ VisualCelery
“While I understand your wife’s desire to help her brother, commuting distances to a job without a car and decent public transportation is unsustainable.”
“Why doesn’t your BIL drive?”
“Does he have a license?”
“Without this information, it is hard to give constructive advice as to possible solutions.”
“Both your wife and BIL are being short-sighted in thinking that he will be able to get to work each day unless he is willing and able to move close to work.”
“Not only will you need your car, but your wife will have the equivalent of a part-time job as a driver with no pay and at most reimbursement of gas costs.”
“Not to mention the wear and tear on your sole car and extra depreciation due to mileage.”
“I recommend getting everyone together and having a discussion about what would happen if he lands one of the positions he is interviewing for.”
“He might have a plan he hasn’t discussed, such as financing a vehicle or moving, both of which are contingent on his securing employment.”
“It will also be a great time to let him know what he can expect as far as access to his sister, giving him rides. NTA.” ~ vegasbywayofLA
“If there’s a plan to get his own car once he lands a job, good.”
“If she’s driving him to interviews, fine.”
“That would make sense, and which days should be discussed, but most people would be okay with it.”
“If the long-term plan is to have her drive him there and back each morning and night, then that’s unreasonable because it’s your car too, and that’s a lot of wear and tear and gas, etc.”
“So NTA.” ~ Smokey_Katt
“NTA. If I’m doing the math correctly, he’s expecting your wife to spend 2 hours and 40 minutes, at least, each day ferrying him back and forth to work (two hours and 20 minutes round trips).”
“That’s nuts.”
“Once in a while would be a nice favor, but every day is ridiculous.”
“Even if your wife doesn’t mind spending her time that way, the added car maintenance alone makes it a no-go.” ~ JoelJohnstone
“NTA. OP does get to have input on how they treat a shared asset; this is one of those, ‘Two yesses/one no’ situations.”
“Neither gets to do what they want without discussion, but unless everyone is on board, it’s a no-go.”
“It also appears that he’s the only one of this trio working right now, so if anything happens to the car, his wife, or his BIL while they’re in it, he’s the one on the financial hook.” ~ burnednotdestroyed
“NTA. The fact that your wife and BIL have either…”
“A) not considered the commute, or…”
“B) think that you don’t need to be consulted on it, makes me smack my head.”
“There is a flip side here, though, OP, that almost pushes this to Everyone-Sucks-Here.”
“While it’s wrong of your wife to not discuss that her brother will need some help starting these potential jobs, the instant, and pre-emptive, no, here is borderline.”
“Does the brother have any right to your car? No.”
“Does your wife have a right to the car and to help her brother with it?”
“Yes, she does, and the first day of his job doesn’t negate her right to the car, and probably doesn’t affect her desire to help him.”
“This is a bigger discussion you need to have, OP, and it is a discussion, and not a veto.” ~ rockology_adam
NTA, and you absolutely have a right to assert to your wife that you don’t want her driving the shared asset that far every day as her brother’s chauffeur.” ~ writierthanyou
Reddit aligns with your concerns, OP.
Your BIL can’t depend on you and his sister to be his safety net.
You have lives as well.
Forty minutes each way, every day, is A LOT of car travel.
Stand your ground.
Good Luck.