Every generation of parents will be different than the last, and hopefully in most ways, each generation will be an improvement on the previous ones.
But when a grandparent tries to force their beliefs on their grandchildren, it can be really hard to move forward, cringed the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor truthhurtsb***h1 had to provide all kinds of free labor when she was young, and she promised herself that her sons would not have the kind of childhood she did.
So when her mother started demanding that her sons do things for her when they became teenagers, the Original Poster (OP) immediately shut those expectations down.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for telling my mother that my children are not her free labor?”
The OP did not want her childhood for her sons.
“I (45 Female) have two boys (ages 15 and 13 Male).”
“When I was a kid, I was severely parentified. Looking back, I understand that at the time, there wasn’t a whole lot else that could be done.”
“My mom was sometimes working three jobs, my sperm donor was abusive and left her with all the debt in the divorce (by threat of offing all of us in the night), and it just happened. This sucked, but was pretty much one of those, ‘It sucks, but the alternatives are much worse’ kinda deals.”
“Then she married her second husband, mostly because she couldn’t take care of us all on her own and pay all the bills. Bob was a d**k and did f**k-all around the house. So it didn’t really do much other than he contributed money to the bills.”
“I spent my preteen and teens being used as labor. A neighbor needed a sitter for the night? Guess who was voluntold. My step-siblings came to visit? Of course, Bob couldn’t be bothered so he’d literally leave as soon as I got home from school to force me to babysit.”
“He worked as a manager in a fast food place, and I’d have to go and wash dishes for hours without pay so that HE could keep his labor hours down. I never got an allowance for this s**t, and I never got paid.”
“If a neighbor offered, they’d decline on my behalf, insisting it ‘built character.’ I did all the housework. I did 90% of the dinners at night. I was the one held responsible for if my brother didn’t do his chores… you get the idea.”
“As soon as I got to college, that stopped. I wasn’t living at home anymore. I didn’t have to basically keep house for a family of four (or six when the step-siblings were visiting). I vowed to never do that to my kids.”
But when the OP’s sons became teens, she was disgusted when her mother tried to put them to work.
“Flash forward. My boys are now teens. My mother has divorced Bob and is married to Kyle.”
“Kyle is amazing. He treats my mom like gold; he’s a wonderful grandfather to my kids. Overall, my mom has gotten to the light after a really bad life and two bad marriages.”
“However… she STILL thinks that anyone younger than her should just do whatever work she wants done. She’s all the time carrying on to me about how I ‘need to get those boys out here to split wood’ or ‘bring the boys out, I need someone to mow the field,’ or ‘You guys need to come over and help me clean the house’ (which, I have done in cases where she/Kyle was in the hospital or infirm for some reason).”
“S**t like that, all the time. They live on a farm with three dogs. They’ve both retired and basically just live on the property. Quite honestly, I imagine when Kyle eventually passes, she’s going to sell and move back into the city. He says he wants to be buried there.”
The OP set a boundary with her mother.
“I wouldn’t mind having my kids help out, but she wants hours of physical labor from them and no pay. When it comes up, it’s ‘it won’t hurt them none’ and ‘they need to come help.'”
“I finally told her the other day that my kids aren’t her FREE labor crew.”
“I don’t mind them doing a couple of things when we visit to help out, but I am not sending them out there a few times a week all summer just so she can have someone to do all the physical stuff she can’t/doesn’t want to.”
“I got stuck being the family work dog, and I’m not going to allow my sons to have the same issue.”
“She’s in her mid-60s and does have some physical limitations of her own, but it’s the attitude of entitlement that does it for me”
“As it is, I make sure that I pay my kids if they go over and do any work for her because I’m not going to be having them not understanding their worth. There’s a time and a place for ‘helping out’ but there’s a fine line between that and being taken advantage of.”
“Otherwise, she’s a great gramma, always has been. It’s just like she was waiting for them to be old enough for her to start this s**t.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some could not imagine how the OP could keep a relationship going with her mom.
“Am I understanding that your mother allowed Bob to treat you like a slave in your own home and at his work without intervening, and yet you’ve remained in contact with her?”
“No apology for how you were treated? You’re a better person than I am. I wouldn’t let my kids fetch her a glass of water, paid or not.” – Ok_Childhood_9774
“I would never speak to my mother again. And going after my sons?! H**l no.” – OkBreadfruit2181
“Why do you still have this woman in your life and in your kids’ lives?” – shammy_dammy
“Ask why you keep in contact with this woman.” – Sea_stone_green
“Definitely absolutely NTA. And yes she was waiting until they were old enough to start this s**t.”
“Good for you. If you don’t correct your mother NOW, she runs the risk of damaging her relationship with your children. People have an innate ability to understand fairness and you know she’s trying to cross the line.”
“As a mother who has had to stand up to my own and to my MIL, you are doing the right thing. Be strong!” – busyshrew
Others reassured the OP that she was right to advocate for her sons.
“You’re protecting your children from being parentified like you were.” – Odd-Crew3757
“It’s not easy cutting off own mother, even when she treats you like crap. But the important thing is that OP isn’t letting that same behavior continue with her own kids and that already makes her a thousand times better than her mom ever was. NTA, of course.” – divinexxcharm
“NTA. Don’t reward bad behavior. She needs to do it herself or pay to have it done. She doesn’t get a free pass. Then, she needs to move to a smaller place that she can manage. Not your issue.” – Lucky_Log2212
“I’m guessing your boys would be better spending their time on paying jobs. Her chores are not the responsibility of her grandchildren. NTA.” – mdthomas
“I think you have to have a talk with your mother and explain her what ‘parentify’ is, because she normalized it in her life. Was she treated the same way by her own parents?”
“What your mother made you go through is inhuman. I don’t know you, and I am particularly upset about you having to go to Bob’s workplace to wash dishes for hours without pay. No, that’s not ‘building character’; that’s child labor and is forbidden in any decent country in the world.”
“Also, tell her you don’t need parenting classes from her, you learned a lot already by what she did to you.”
“And stop paying your kids to do stuff for her. Your mother has to recognize their worth, or she can do her own chores.”
“Of course NTA, but I honestly think your mother hasn’t realized how bad this is.” – Melodic-Dark6545
After receiving feedback and questions, the OP shared more details about her mother.
“I grew up in the Bible belt, very cult adjacent. So ‘good deeds’ were a HUGE thing. My first husband was super into that cult-adjacent religion. Husband two is super Mormon. So, a lot of times, if I was helping babysit or something like that, it was viewed as a ‘good deed’ and expected as part of religion.”
“That did stop once I did have an actual job that I was making money from. Bob would frequently try and get me to give up my paycheck. My mother never let that even be considered. Though I was still managing the household chores and cooking most nights.”
“Her childhood was way worse, while I’m not saying that excuses everything, when you’re about the fourth generation in a family where drunken brawls in your livingroom were a regular occurrence and where women literally lost babies because family pulled chairs out from under them ‘as a joke’ when they were eight months pregnant, your normal meter is always going to be skewed.”
“My mom, to this day, says I’m the best mother she knows. She wishes her mom had been as good as I am, or even that she was HALF the mother to me as I am. She understands, but this is the last ‘thing’ she seems to cling to. I think a lot of that stems from HER being the workhorse in her family.”
“She’s even taken care of her siblings (who were all older) in the last years of their lives. She’s buried three brothers, her mother, and a sister now. Just one left and so far, they’re the only one that hasn’t moved in with her for care. In fact, I will joke with her about her sister coming to live with her like the rest.”
“I sometimes wonder if the reason she clings to it so hard is because she does wear herself so thin and a bit of ‘I help everyone else, why won’t someone help ME’ seeps in.”
“Money is a contributing factor. They’re not rich by any means. They get by, Mom and Kyle are both retired. He’s several years older than her, and has health issues of his own. Honestly, I doubt he has more than maybe five years left. I really wish she had met him so much sooner in life.”
“So hiring out isn’t exactly easy. Part of why she hasn’t sold the place and moved somewhere smaller or more manageable is because Kyle doesn’t want to leave his home. I fully expect that when his time comes, she’s going to sell the place and move back into a city where she’ll have all her maintenance handled by landlords.”
The subReddit applauded the OP for standing up for her sons and protecting the childhood that was not protected for her. While everyone could understand times being hard and help being needed, there are limits to that, and they shouldn’t involve “building character.”