Anyone who’s been close to a narcissist knows that there’s nothing quite like coming into a room and catching your narcissistic friend, partner, or parent going through your mail, and then getting angry with you for being offended about them “caring about you.”
Because by the time you catch them snooping, they’ve likely already been snooping, and possibly stealing, for a long time, cautioned the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor AlwaysFashionLA had always had a good relationship with her mother-in-law, even though she’d become increasingly suspicious that she might be going through her mail and other items while alone in her home babysitting.
But when she came home to discover some of her clothes sitting out, with her mother-in-law unapologetically planning to borrow them, the Original Poster (OP) didn’t feel safe having her visit her home anymore.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for not allowing my Mother-in-Law (MIL) to babysit at my house because she goes through my stuff?”
The OP felt encroached upon when she came home from work.
“I came home from work last week to find some of my clothes on the couch. My mother-in-law was visiting and babysitting my child.”
“When I asked what was happening, my mother-in-law’s exact response was, I was going through your closet and found some great options for a date night I have this week.'”
The OP didn’t trust her mother-in-law in her home anymore.
“In addition to my closet, I have noticed our mail is sometimes opened, especially from banks, too. We both have asked her not to touch our private things.”
“Our baby is five months old, and although we have paid five times as much per week at daycare, she asks to watch him once a week. Now I have finally put my foot down and said that if she wants to watch him, it has to be in her house.”
The OP’s mother-in-law lashed out at her for the disinvitation.
“She is so mad at me, and apparently, I am entitled and don’t appreciate how much she is helping us when she babysits.”
“I am at a loss for words. She says she sees me as a daughter, and that’s why she feels free to do that kind of stuff.”
“But to me, we don’t have that kind of relationship; it’s just her trying to justify her actions. My own mother would never behave like that and invade our privacy.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that going through her things was unacceptable.
“NTA. If she can’t be trusted to follow normal social mores, then she can’t be trusted to watch your child, period. Not at your house, not at her house.”
“Let her know that you will no longer be needing her services, and it is because you don’t trust her.” – ForwardPlenty
“Neither my mother, nor my stepmother, would ever do that to me, and I would never do that to my daughter… or anybody. Who taught her to have such terrible manners and boundaries?”
“I will bet, though, my MIL went through my stuff when I was at work and she was visiting from out of state. I came home one day and she had rearranged my kitchen cupboards.” – pyxus1
“If you can’t trust your MIL not to toss your living space like the FBI each time she is over, I’m not sure how it can be justified to leave her to watch the baby when she has such poor judgment.”
“What’s next? Is she going to override a decision OP has made about the child’s care because ‘she knows better’? I wouldn’t give her the opportunity. Grandma has lost her sitting privileges. She cannot be trusted.” – Scorp128
“NTA. Everyone loves you when you let things slide. But the moment you start putting boundaries in place and holding people accountable, suddenly you are ‘difficult’ and ‘entitled.'”
“You don’t owe your inner peace and well-being to anyone, so change the locks and continue to put those boundaries in place, OP.” – Ravenslaww_Carshower
“NTA.”
“Yeah, this screams of crossing all kinds of lines, this is only going to get worse, and you can not be only one to get this through to her.”
“You, your husband, his father, even siblings need to step in, your MIL does not see any of this as wrong, she needs to be told from several points of view what she is doing is violating all kinds of privacy.”
“Your child’s life will be invaded, if not already, you need to settle boundaries now before she creates her own.” – Kooky-Situation3059
Others agreed and were certain that the mother-in-law was trying to twist this into being the victim so she could continue snooping around.
“NTA. Her justification of seeing you as a daughter doesn’t excuse her behavior. Also, I don’t think it’s even justification; it’s manipulation.” – Wildflower_Whisper
“Babysitting at her house would be easier for her than going into your house. She’s doing this to dominate, manipulate, and control you. Going through your bank statements? Block your credit report before she starts messing up your finances.” – Militantignorance
“Setting up boundaries will always start a war if you’re setting them for a narcissist, which your MIL seems to be. Not wanting a war is just an excuse to continue to allow them to walk all over you because it’s ‘easier.'”
“I get it. I used to be the same way, until I just couldn’t anymore. The moment I set up boundaries and enforced them was when s**t hit the fan, but it was necessary for my own sense of peace. For those who fought against my boundaries, they got the boot. No explanation, no warning, they’re just gone.”
“You’ll never experience true peace until you set up strong boundaries and ‘clean house’when it comes to toxic relationships. If that’s okay with you, then so be it, but it’s all on you and no one else.” – JoMamaSoFatYo
“NTA. Going through your stuff without your permission is NOT acceptable. It’s not okay to do it without asking, and even worse if you’ve specifically asked her and she did it again anyway.”
“Who cares if she sees you as a daughter? Even if you were her daughter, that is still out of line!” – Tdluxon
“OP and her husband don’t need MIL to watch their baby at all. It’s not saving them any money. They were doing this as a FAVOR to MIL. And they get repaid by MIL invading ALL their privacy?”
“Nope.”
“Take away MIL’s babysitting privileges. She’s not even sorry for what she’s done. There’s no way I’d have her spending 9 hours/day with my infant once/week when I can’t even trust her in my home AND SHE SEES NOTHING WRONG WITH HER ACTIONS.” – PanicAtTheGaslight
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update in a second post.
“I have an update for all of you wonderful people that helped me see things for what they are and put a stop to it!”
“In the original post, I shared how while babysitting my son, my MIL went through my closet and picked some of my clothes that she wanted to wear for a date, and that she was opening our mail.”
“Well, friends, here is what happened. I had a conversation with my husband and said that I do expect him to handle his mom when she behaves like that in the future, but at this time, it was important for me to speak to her and lay out some ground rules of what I expect her not to do in our house.”
“She came over after our baby was asleep, and I told her I was not okay with what she did. That I felt violated and would appreciate that if she found herself in our house alone again to please not go into our room, and all personal stuff.”
“She became very mad at first and then played the victim. She said the reason I don’t accept this is because I don’t like her and accept her. She said she has suspected that for years.”
“I told her I have actually always liked her and having her around, and that prior to all these issues, I never really had an issue with her.”
“She continued to play the victim, and this went on for so long that I stood up and said that conversation was going into loops, that I don’t have to prove to her that I never had an issue with her before, and that conversation was over.”
“I believe she was trying to make me once again look like the bad person. That I am only upset because it was her. That I have a problem with her.”
“And guess what, now I do. Now I do dislike her, because I finally see who she is. She is still his mom and I will respect her as such, but she won’t be coming to my house anymore, and frankly, I have zero desire to hang out. I have never been around someone so toxic and it’s truly sad.”
“For all the MIL out there, please don’t be this nuts! And for all of you who helped me understand her behavior, thank you!”
Fellow Redditors reassured the OP that this behavior was over-the-top and she was NTA.
“Uhhh, it’s a FEDERAL OFFENSE in the United States to open someone else’s, let alone read someone else’s, mail.”
“She’s lucky she didn’t get reported for that s**t. And what a CREEP with your other possessions. Never let her come in again. NTA.” – Confident-Skin-6462
“Oh my god. Change your locks, OP. NTA.” – Amazing-Wave4704
“I was making coffee one evening, and when I walked into my living roo,m I found my father-in-law rifling through our mail, reading a water bill. They acted like I was weird and they were completely normal.”
“He then suggested to my husband, who was employed by them at the time, that we were too young to be organising bills and he should keep my husband’s wages, pay our bills for us, and give him what was left over…”
“I was called ungrateful and told it’s not just up to me as it’s their son’s house and bills, too, and they are his parents, so they should have a say in all of this.”
“It’s incredibly frustrating and a privacy violation. I’m sure if I rifled through his bills, he’d have something to say on the matter.”
“Years later, I also found him on my Gmail settings as a backup account. Turns out, I left my gmail signed in whilst borrowing their printer and he f**ked with my settings.”
“Pretty sure he had access to everything the entire time we were no contact. I wondered how they knew I was pregnant with our third when I’d kept it a secret from literally everyone.”
“There are people like that in the world. Don’t find out the hard way that your mother-in-law is one of them. NTA.” – Sudden-Pomegranate95
“This woman has necrosis of the brain. I have pet- and kid-sat for so many friends and family, and it NEVER occurred to me to look in any closet except a kitchen cabinet for a spice.”
“Do not let her into your home unless your husband and you are there. It is so bizarre. Glad you confronted her.” – ChampionSad1586
“I’m a MIL, and this is crazy. As far as her trying to make her the victim, reverse uno card that crap right back on her. Tell her that you’re so sad because you felt so close to her, and it hurts to feel so violated by someone that means so much to you.”
“That when she does this, you can’t help but feel like she’s announcing to you and your husband and to everyone how little she thinks of your home, belongings, ability to handle your responsibilities. That if it were anyone but you, she wouldn’t be doing this…”
“Ok, probably not the healthiest way to respond, but you can imagine doing it and seeing the look on her face.”
“I admit, I have arranged things at my son and daughter-in-law’s house, but WITH THEIR PERMISSION (helping them unpack after they moved across several states with a newborn and toddler).”
“All of it has been, ‘Is it okay if I…’ and with the clear understanding that they can say no, with no hard feelings, and unless they asked, it was never ‘personal’ items like clothes and stuff, it was like, ‘Do you care if I unpack the kitchen? Any particular place you want stuff to go, or do you want me to just put it where I think makes sense and you can move it later?'”
“Now, I admit, sometimes I put things away in the wrong spot at their house or at our daughter and sister-in-law’s house, but then, there are times they put stuff away in the wrong place at my house. We all laugh about it because we know it’s not intentional, it’s truly a case of I don’t know which drawer the garlic press goes…” – justanotheropinion72
The subReddit applauded the OP for standing up for herself and could only hope that she would enforce strong boundaries that would keep her, her well-being, her home, and her child safe from her mother-in-law’s overstepping.