Many families will help each other out when a member falls on hard times, financially or emotionally.
But clear boundaries in these situations are important to keep a helping hand from becoming the cause of family strife.
A brother turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after his sister led to conflict.
WinAffectionate326 asked:
"AITA for not cooking breakfast for my niece and nephew?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My sister (34, female) moved into my house about 2 months ago with her 2 kids (7, male and 4, female) after she ended a really bad relationship."
"I (36, male) have always been an early-ish riser and like to get up and make myself some breakfast around 7 or 8am. Nothing spectacular, just whatever I felt like that day."
"When my sister moved in, I realized quickly that she liked to sleep in. Some days she was up as late as 1pm. I gave her the benefit of the doubt since I knew how hard her break up was for her."
"Since my sister slept so late daily, she wouldn't get up and take care of her kids. I got into a routine with my niece and nephew that basically whatever I cooked myself for breakfast, I'd make enough for them as well, until the other morning."
"I woke up and had an urge to make huevos rancheros. The kids immediately started complaining that they didn't want that and wanted something different."
"I was nice and ended up making them pancakes since it's not their fault that their mom is really struggling."
"The next morning, I was making breakfast potatoes and eggs, but all I heard was 'we don't want that. We want something different' so again, I obliged…"
"Finally after 3 mornings of my unwanted food critics getting a separate meal, I finally told them, 'I'm no longer cooking 2 different meals for breakfast. If you don't like what I'm making, go ask your mom to get up and do it'."ŏ
"I literally told them the other morning that 'I'm not running a diner here' when one asked for pancakes and they other asked for a breakfast sandwich."
"I was concerned about then becoming picky eaters, but even more concerned that they would always expect this treatment, and I knew if I didn't nip it in the bud now it would get worse.",
"My niece is currently going through some behavioral issues, and she would 100% put a fork in the toaster to see how much attention it would give her. S,o making themselves something in the toaster isn't an option."
"So, they went upstairs to wake her up, but she still didn't come downstairs until after 1 pm. The kids immediately started complaining that I 'refused to feed them' and my sister was PISSED."
"She started in about how they need to be fed by a certain time and a bunch of other things that she said to try and intentionally hurt me."
"I snapped and told her, 'look I know you're depressed, but wake up and take care of your fuc*ing kids instead of expecting me to do it'."
"She got quiet after that and is still giving me the cold shoulder, but I know she's expecting me to apologize."
"Sorry, this was long-winded, but let me have it."
"AITA?"
The OP later added:
"So I did forget to mention that I had conversations with her many a time about getting up with them, but she would just laugh it off and say she's doing her best."
"Tone is hard to convey through text, so I can see why people might think I exploded at the kids. Truthfully, everything I said to them was calm and no yelling."
"I'm not going to take it out on them because their mother is going through it emotionally right now."
The OP summed up their situation.
"I got tired of making separate meals and feel like my sister should come down and take care of her kids."
"But it's also not their fault she's acting like this, and I don't want to punish them by not making them breakfast."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"Sleeping till 1pm means she's missing their breakfast AND lunch. Ages 7 and 4, and still pretty dependent on an adult for balanced meals. Your sister is lame." ~ mrmses
"I wanna know who was feeding the kids before this, since it sure doesn't seem like mom gives a crap."
"And what happens if one of the kids wakes up during the night? A nightmare or not feeling well? Does she throw a fit for them waking her up?" ~ Sorry-Visit-6743
"My friend's husband died in February, and she was so depressed that she quit her job, but she still got up to take her daughter to school and make sure she was fed."
"If you have kids, you need to take care of them. If you're so depressed that you can't, then you need professional help." ~ Pure_Butterscotch165
"Not being out of the bedroom and being asleep are two very different things, that OP in his naivety is likely confusing."
"Chances are, she's hiding out to avoid her responsibilities as a mother." ~ Beaumis
"If your sister can't get up to feed her own kids, then she should not have them." ~ New_Nobody9492
"The 7-year-old is old enough to say Uncle so-and-so makes us breakfast and lunch because Mommy sleeps until after lunch. She will lose custody and then have a good reason to be depressed." ~ Lizdance40
"NTA. We now know why she was dumped, but you don't need to be stuck with this. Set boundaries on her childcare and a clear timeframe for her to be out." ~ bct7
"NTA, it's not your job to feed her kids. I understand you're probably giving her some grace due to depression, and that's fair but you are spot on—if she wants her kids fed a specific breakfast, she needs to get up and make it."
"Honestly, if she does not apologize to you, and doesn't stop expecting you to take over parenting her kids, I'd be considering asking her to move out." ~ gtr187
"NTA. Number one, you're right. Despite anything she's going through, your sister is still the children's mother, and they're her responsibility. It's unfair of her to expect you to make them breakfast so she can sleep in."
"Number two, it's very kind of you to cook for them anyway, but that doesn't mean you have to go out of your way. There's nothing wrong with expecting the kids to eat what you're making. You're not a short-order cook."
"Finally, in my experience, always cooking what the kids ask for is a quick way to turn them into overly picky eaters." ~ Zazzog
"You've been very accommodating. Sister still needs to get her butt out of bed and take care of her kids."
"Sleeping every day until 1 pm also means she's doing NOTHING to help herself heal and move on. She doesn't get to demand they're fed by certain times if she's not doing it."
"If the kids don't like what you're making, they can have cereal or toast. Something they can indeed get themselves. NTA." ~ ElsieReboot
"NTA, you said it yourself: 'look I know you're depressed, but wake up and take care of your fu**ing kids instead of expecting me to do it'."
"I'm assuming she is not paying rent or helping you with any expenses - she is just laying around sleeping? You should have a serious sit-down with her and stop all of this crap right now." ~ LynnBarr123
"Yeah sister and niblings are guests in OP's house, but the sister is treating OP like her unpaid nanny, instead of the reality of a sibling gracious enough to open their home to their sister and two under 10s. NTA." ~ Snowey212
"Agreed, NTA. And I just want to add because of this part: 'I'm assuming she is not paying rent or helping you with any expenses,' even if she is paying rent or other expenses, unless they agreed to some kind of childcare arrangement when she moved in, it's still her responsibility to take care of her own kids."
"I understand that depression sucks, but if she's really struggling, she needs to communicate that to OP and get help."
"Expecting him to pick up her parenting slack is absurd, and then her reaction when he called her out—any normal person would've been mortified and immediately apologize, but instead, she doubles down and gives him the cold shoulder? Ma'am, you're a guest, and your entitlement is showing." ~ bamboozled_platypus
"DO NOT APOLOGISE!!!!! Whatever you do, do NOT apologise."
"We all have hard times in life, many struggle with mental health too. That's not an excuse to neglect your children. 4-year-olds need supervising, I may add."
"She's gotten used to you waiting on her kids, and how dare she even consider laying into you. Who does she think she is?"
"Her children are her responsibility. You've been kind enough to give her and her children a roof, you've taken care of her kids for a period of time, allowing her time and space to get her head together. Now she needs to get her head out of her arse and start taking care of her children."
"I'd start waking her up by whatever time she said her children need feeding by. Remind her that her children need feeding, and that is her responsibility."
"Have her start pulling her weight in the house and contributing financially (if she isn't already, which I doubt she is). NTA." ~ Rude-Organization782
If the OP's sister can't take care of her children, she needs to seek help to get back to a state where she can.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp