Kashering is the process of purifying utensils and kitchen appliances, fixtures, and surfaces to make them suitable for kosher (Jewish dietary law) food preparation.
One kosher rule requires meat and dairy not be eaten together. But it also requires the same utensils and appliances can’t be used for both meat and dairy.
Separate dishes, sinks, refrigerators, pots, pans, etc… are needed. This is one reason why people choose to not have a fully kosher kitchen
A mother whose son asked her to convert her kitchen to meet his wants and needs turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Intrepid-Jello-1886 asked:
“AITA for not kashering the kitchen for my son?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I grew up Orthodox Jewish, but it wasn’t the lifestyle for me and I left while remaining very culturally Jewish. My husband is Jewish and I raised our children to be very in touch with their cultural identity (sent them to Jewish schools and sleepaway camps), but don’t really practice the religion in terms of keeping the Sabbath, following the dietary laws, etc…”
“Our son is 19 and has, over the past two years, become pretty religious. He spends the Sabbath with friends, which is fine with us.”
“We have tried to compromise on the dietary laws by purchasing kosher meat/poultry for him, not mixing meat and dairy, etc… We live in an area with a large Jewish community and he has cart blanche to use Apple Pay to buy himself whatever food he wants.”
“Because I grew up in the community, I know the rules and do the best I can for him while not limiting myself to a culture that I chose to leave.”
“I recently found out from one of my other kids that he is annoyed that we haven’t converted one of our ovens (we have two) into a kosher oven for his use, or purchased separate dishes for him, etc…”
“Sibling was like, ‘Did you ask Mom and Dad to do any of this?’.”
“Son was like, ‘no, mom grew up with all of this so she definitely knows what I need and is choosing not to do it’.”
“Sibling pointed out he can’t be mad if he doesn’t ask while ALSO pointing out that son is 19 and that this is our house and if he’s that pressed he can get his own place and do what he wants.”
“Fact is, I don’t want to. I cook and bake a lot. I like having two ovens. I don’t want to relive the exhaustion of a kosher (semi-kosher) kitchen, though I could.”
“AITA for not accommodating my son’s religious beliefs to the best of my ability rather than a baseline level?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I might be the a**hole because I didn’t take the steps to make my kitchen partially kosher for my son, even though I know how and that it’s really important to him.”
“We live in an area with specific kosher eateries and markets. And while I don’t live the path he has chosen, I am willing to support him.”
“But I need him to do more of the emotional and physical labor involved.”
“I can afford to support his beliefs with both food and appliances. My annoyance is the part where I am meant to be a psychic kosher genie.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“Does he have a job? If he’s willing to purchase his own cooking equipment and give up his unlimited Uber Eats, maybe get him a dedicated kosher toaster oven.”
“He needs to get some skin in the game. At 19 he’s too old to play the ‘mom needs to do all these things for me’ card.”
“Plus he’ll have his own stuff for when he moves out. NTA.” ~ jillian512
“Dedicated toaster oven/air fryer wouldn’t take up much space. And even a mini fridge wouldn’t be unreasonable if they have the space. He definitely needs to realize that his faith is his own journey and not anyone else’s responsibility.” ~Â silverokapi
“NTA. He is delegating the work of keeping Kosher onto you. If those are his beliefs he should do the work and buy the necessary cooking equipment and plates.” ~ Walktothebrook
“NTA. If there is space, your son could have an air fryer, mini fridge, and seperate crockery, that he pays for. Otherwise, he can continue to be as unharmed by the food at home as he had been for the last 19 years.” ~ Inevitable-Slice-263
“I was around that age when I became vegetarian. My mom said ‘have at it’ and did nothing to help me. I didn’t even know how to cook and suddenly started cooking completely for myself.”
“I’m assuming you gave him the skills to be able to handle his own cooking himself since you seem torn up about whether or not you are TA for not providing an entire oven for him. Special diets are the responsibility of the person on the diet, anything from anyone else is a kindness.” ~ Free_Medicine4905
“Definitely NTA for that. Part of child rearing (I say, as someone who has never raised any children) is teaching them to be independent, and advocate for themselves.”
“I worry that along with hashkafa, he may have been picking up the patriarchalism (and, often, misogyny) that can come hand-in-hand with orthodoxy… aishes chayil be damned, there are plenty of frum families in which the mom is a second-class citizen.” ~ thiswillnotdo
“NTA, if keeping kosher is important to him he can man up and talk to you about it. He can come up with a plan and ask for your support.”
“You may not be inclined to give him everything he wants but it’s on him to find a work around. And he can also talk to his Rabbi about getting a dispensation from keeping kosher or doing it in a modified way.”
“When I lived in Berkeley there were a number of students who did kosher meal prep at an industrial kosher kitchen. They paid a small fee to use the space and just brought their own ingredients.”
“The service was supervised by a Rabbi and the students were able to keep kosher. I knew a girl who did her prep every two weeks. She mostly did Shabbas with other students.” ~ pikanakifunk
“NTA. Your son is an adult and can move out and keep his own kosher kitchen, as his younger sibling pointed out.”
“Your house, your rules (or non-rules!).” ~ sbinjax
“If he wants these things, the least he could do is have a conversation with you!” ~ spaceylaceygirl
“A wise friend of mine once pointed out that every relationship is an interfaith relationship because no two people have identical faith and values. Similar, sure– but not identical.”
When someone dates outside of their religion they know that there’s going to be disagreements/compromises about what is important, and what will be observed. When two people from the same religious tradition date (or are friends, or work together, or are parent/child) those inevitable disagreements catch them off guard because they assumed they had all the same beliefs.”
“Your son needs to learn that even if you were once more observant, the faith and beliefs you had then are *not* the same faith and beliefs he has now. He absolutely cannot assume you know anything about how he wants to observe his religion, otherwise he’s going to resent you for not reading his mind.” ~ Starfoxy
“NTA but as a secular Jewish person who used to be very involved with Judaism, hekshering is such a nightmare, and I can’t imagine how your son wants to have a kosher kitchen without forcing everyone to follow his rules.”
“people comparing this to cooking for a gluten free family member do not understand the headache involved. to really follow kosher rules, your son would need two sets of dishes and cooking utensils with separate cabinets, two sinks, two dishwashers, separate counters, two fridges, and a rabbi to come and supervise all the kashering. and that is just the setup, never mind the maintenance.”
“as someone who does understand, it is impossible to maintain a kosher and non-kosher kitchen in the same space. making a kitchen kosher for your son means forcing your whole family to keep kosher to his standards. if it is that important to him, he needs to find his own place to live. otherwise, it sounds like you’re doing a lot to accommodate him.” ~ catsinhouse22
“NTA. As a rabbi friend of mine says: you can’t be machmir on someone else’s cheshbon (literally, strict on someone else’s bill/account).”
“If he wants to keep kosher the onus is on him. The a**hole line is if you actively interfere with him doing so. Since he’s your kid, I would work with him: He can have a shelf for some of his own dishes and a toaster oven.”
“But he’ll have to remember to have basins to wash them, etc… He should ask, he’s a grown up. You shouldn’t say no outright, though.”
“I think kashering one of your ovens might be too much of an ask depending on how you cook. That’s up for you to decide. (For me, if I had 2 full size ovens, I would be willing to keep one dairy, since I do a ton of baking. That might not work for you.)” ~ nefarious_epicure
“Personally, I think if it’s such a big deal, he needs to take initiative for himself as I am guessing he wants it to happen now. OP also needs to insist if he wants to eat kosher, he must do the work including cooking for himself.”
“It sounds like he expects his mom to cook kosher. Since he’s still eating what she cooks and isn’t forcing him to do this, he’s being incredibly entitled. I wouldn’t entertain it in any way.” ~ Spinnerofyarn
The OP is willing to support and accommodate her adult son’s wants and needs.
But first he needs to make those things known.