According to wedding etiquette resources online, save-the-dates for a standard wedding should go out 6-8 months before the ceremony, giving guests ample time to plan.
For destination weddings or weddings on or around holidays, a heads up should go out 9-12 months in advance. The actual wedding invitations are usually mailed 6-8 weeks before the wedding date.
A pop in to announce a wedding is happening in less than a month is very poor etiquette and will invariably lead to many guests being unable to attend.
A father of a previous runaway bride turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Wayland12 asked:
“AITA For going on a motorcycle trip with my friends instead of my daughter’s wedding?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“Some quick context. Last year I was told my daughter was getting married in 2025. I immediately supported this decision and was there every step of the way. Following tradition, I gave her $4,500 for help with venue payment.”
“During the planning process, they changed from a local wedding to a destination wedding in Puerto Rico and forwarded the timeline a year to last fall, giving me a year less to pay for the wedding.”
“Now I had to pay for flights and accommodations for people. Reservations for Airbnb were made and purchased and plane tickets were bought.”
“Then they broke up over some pretty immature reasons.”
“I was stuck with the bill. I tried for refunds, but was told the trip was going ahead for ‘revenge’ photos to make him feel bad. So, that and because my wife and stepkids are Puerto Rican, I said fine.”
“In total, that trip cost me $22,500.00.”
“Shortly after that trip, I was invited to ride through Glacier National Park with some buddies. I figured, we’ll I’ve paid for multiple trips to Disney as well as multiple trips for people to go to Puerto Rico, so sure I think I earned it.”
“My buddies and I planned for this September.”
“My daughter left about 4 months ago to go back to her man and didn’t say a word to me. We haven’t talked once since she left. Zero explanation or call.”
“The other day, she showed up at the house and told me matter-of-factly that the wedding is back on and I needed to be there. It was going to be on Thursday, 9/11.”
“I told her I can’t make it, I had prepaid plans already. She said, ‘you’re really going to miss my wedding’. I told her I was there for the first one. She said there wasn’t one.”
“I said, ‘not according to my bank account’. She walked off, and now I apparently am the a**hole.”
The OP later added:
“Believe me, I could not care less about the money. To be honest, I’m hurt by the fact that she just up and left and didn’t even bother to call one time in months.”
“She never even considered to check to see if that date worked for others. I was put off by the entitlement shown, but suddenly showing up and saying ‘hey this is the new date and I expect you to show up’ after zero communication?”
“And not to mention it’s 9/11. I’m a veteran and was in the Middle East on that very day in 2001. Not a lot of fun.”
“Neither was the next three years as a result. Honestly, I feel this whole situation could have been avoided with one single phone call.”
“In the interest of complete transparency, after the first wedding cancellation, I flat out told her mother I would not be going to any of her other weddings.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I chose to go on my planned motorcycle trip with my friends instead of going to my daughter’s wedding. Now people think I’m an a**hole.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“Holy sh*t, dude, 9/11 is a bad enough choice without you being a veteran. And you’re right, it’s insanely entitled to just show up and demand you be available without asking—especially after all you did for her previously and all the money of yours she wasted.”
“It’s perfectly reasonable to be pissed about the money, too. When you agree to give someone a huge amount of money for a particular thing, and then they waste it, you’re allowed to be angry.” ~ ravencrowe
“NTA, it is not clear as to if the daughter expected her father to pay again. Did she show up with the intention of truly wanting her father there, or was she playing the game until the money was needed to pay for the wedding?”
“I think dad is genuinely upset about spending all that money only for her to go no contact for months. She left without a word for months, then pops back up saying she is getting married again and on 9/11.”
“Something about planning the wedding to be on 9/11 doesn’t seem right. If you want a mid-week wedding, why not another day that week? Of course, it would probably be cheaper I think, even if it was on a Saturday.”
“Unless the daughter does intend to pay for her own wedding this time, and that is all she could afford. Even so, and I apologize for not being able to ignore my personal feelings about 9/11, but I question her sincerity as to if she truly wants her father there.”
“I still don’t understand the 9/11 wedding date, and I still feel she was wrong to go no contact for all that time, then expect you to be ready and willing to walk her down the aisle.”
“And couldn’t she have changed the date so you could attend or walk her down the aisle? Enjoy your trip!” ~ Life-Yesterday4426
“NTA, your daughter is going about the planning all wrong. She should be working with you to decide on a date, to ensure the most important people are able to attend.”
“Also, Thursday 9/11? I can’t help to feel that’s a poor date choice, and mid week!” ~ waters_shadow
“NTA. You’ve already been supportive and covered the cost for one venue, and attended a non-wedding destination revenge party for her and this dude.”
“At some point she needs to accept some responsibility in your absence and understand that it isn’t malicious, but you do have a right to your own life. This wedding whiplash nonsense has gone on long enough.” ~ 21crepes
“Am I the only one getting red flags from this already failed relationship sealing the deal on Thursday, 9/11?”
“Honestly, I was so ready to call you an AH until I read all this. Go have fun with your friends. NTA. If she’s lucky, you can FaceTime in for the ceremony.” ~ Sami_George
“I was ready to say you are from the title, but you’re NTA. She squandered her first shot at a wedding, drained your bank account, ghosted you, then popped up ready to repeat the mistake with next to no notice.”
“Love for your kid should be unconditional, but not funding, or support for unreasonable/bad decisions.” ~ spids69
“NTA. You already paid a lot of money. They broke up over ‘immature reasons’, yet your daughter said the expensive trip is still on for revenge—also immature and short sighted and with your wallet.”
“Then you don’t hear from her for months until she shows up, tells you the wedding is in one month, and you must be there.”
“Too bad.”
“Giving anyone such short notice for a wedding is ridiculous. And pretending to forget everything that only just recently happened.”
“If she wants you there, she should reschedule. People generally, at the very least, ask immediate family if a certain date works or not.” ~ dart1126
“Dude, you paid for a wedding, just because it didn’t happen doesn’t change the fact that you were there for her completely. Now she’s sneaking up on you with a date? Is she going to be mad at everyone else who already had plans? NTA.” ~ GingerTuxedoTabby
“NTA. Even without the backstory, if someone is planning an event, they should check the date with the people they want there the most, and if not, well then they need to understand people have plans.”
“Sure, without the backstory, I’d think you should try everything possible to be there, but trips take planning and deposits and fellow travelers rely on you to stick to the plan, and with basically a month of notice, if you can’t make it, you can’t make it.”
“With the backstory, absolutely not. You already paid for and planned a wedding, and both your daughter and her fiancé owe everyone a big apology and should be bending over backwards to seem embarrassed of their previous actions and doing a round of making amends.”
“To confidently tell people to show up to their second wedding attempt with no apology, no backstory, no ‘we know, super awkward, we figured our shit out’ is ridiculous.” ~ mfruitfly
“NTA. Giving everyone a month’s notice for a wedding is way too short, and many family and friends will not make it because of other plans, working, or not wanting to waste money after her first attempt to get married.”
“What does your daughter’s mother make of this? Does she support this nonsense? Like other commentators said, how the hell do you get a venue and church at such short notice?” ~ KnickKnockers
“Who is paying for round 2? Regardless, NTA, go on your trip. And pretty sure something else incredibly irrelevant will happen and take two will get cancelled as well.” ~ AussieBelgian
“NTA: though your daughter sounds like a piece of work. Up to you what you want to prioritize at this point, really.”
“She might never forgive you for missing it…on the other hand, based only on the info you gave, the marriage isn’t likely to last if it even actually happens.”
“I can see why you’d be frustrated…especially after the wasted money and sense of entitlement on her part.” ~ DragonBard_Z
It’s up to the OP what they want to prioritize, but it was also up to his daughter to prioritize.
She clearly didn’t prioritize him when she picked her wedding redo date.