Not everyone is lucky enough to have friends who will go out of their way to do something nice for them.
With this in mind, should we ever be so lucky, it is vitally important to show gratitude to these friends.
As a lack of gratitude might not only end up hurting our friend's feelings, but also potentially damage this friendship.
Redditor ConfidentBass1564 was excited to throw a birthday party for one of their closest friends.
Their excitement dropped considerably, however, when they took a look at the guest list.
Resulting in the original poster (OP) cancelling the party.
After being called "selfish" by their friend for doing so, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for canceling my best friend's birthday party that I planned after she invited my bully?"
The OP explained why they called off the birthday party they had been planning for their friend:
"Anna has been my best friend since high school and we've always been close."
"I'm organized and very good at planning so I always enjoying planning stuffs for us and that includes her birthday parties."
"This year she turned 25 and we agreed to organize a big party at my house."
"I spent $300 and two weeks prepping."
"Invited 20 mutual friends which is usually the amount of people we'd have around."
"I was with Anna when I overheard her talking to Jess about the party."
"Found out she's invited Jess."
"Jess was my school bully."
"She and her friends never liked me and I never liked the fact that Anna my best friend was talking to Jess."
"They aren't really too close so I overlooked."
"Anna knows Jess and her friends don't like me."
"She knew about it all and at some point Jess has asked her why she's still friends with me."
"I was mad about this invitation and told her I haven't seen Jess in years and don't want to."
"Anna insisted Jess has changed and she will like me now since she's not so close with her crew anymore."
"I thought about it and imagined seeing Jess again in the same room."
"All that didn't sit well with me no matter how much she's changed."
"I just said no and told her if Jess comes the party is off."
"She said I was being dramatic and said she'll tell Jess not to come."
"But two days later I looked into group chat Anna added Jess and posted 'Can't wait for Saturday at OP's house!'"
"I confronted Anna."
"She said I shouldn't worry that she's making sure she resolves everything between me and Jess."
"I said no and I don't want to."
"I Canceled the party and told everyone it's off."
"I refunded what I could, packed up decorations."
"Anna called me selfish for ruining her party and not wanting to reconcile with Jess her other friend."
"Now she sees me as a bad friend."
"Everyone thinks seeing Jess to talk about old time was best and Anna was trying to help me heal."
"The thing is I don't want to heal I just want to forget."
"AITA for canceling?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community firmly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for cancelling their friend's birthday party.
Everyone agreed that as the OP was doing their good friend a great kindness, then they should have been more grateful, and shouldn't have used is as an occasion for them to make up with a former bully:
"NTA if you hadn't somehow found out you would have been faced with a bully who traumatized you without time to prepare."
"If Anna was a friend she would have ASKED first and discussed this with you instead of trying to spring it on you."
"Sorry OP you deserve better friends."- AvailableHumor903
"NTA and Anna is definitely NOT your best friend."
"She lied to you and tried to force you to welcome someone into YOUR home that made you miserable for years."
"All that AND she knows very well WHY you don't want to have anything to do with Jess!"
"Sorry that you had to find out your friends true colors this way."- Leek-Middle
"You get to decide who is welcome in YOUR house."
"Everything else is beside the point."
"NTA."- ahloser
"NTA, this person knowingly invited someone who bullied you to YOUR HOME."
"And then lied about it."
"A 3rd party cannot 'resolve everything' between a bully and her victim, certainly not with deception at the basis."
"Reconciliation can only happen if the bully makes the effort to apologize, which is not the case here, this was not about 'helping you heal' it's about you being expected to basically serve drinks to your bully."
"I would seriously rethink this friendship."- MarionberryPlus8474
"NTA."
"She's your best friend but you're not hers."
"Time to get up from this table that's only serving disrespect."- thedamnoftinkers
"NTA and I would not consider her a friend anymore."
"She clearly likes ignoring boundaries."- slicksquids
"Some friends are seasonal."
"Maybe it's time to move on."
"NTA."- SarcasmIsntDead
"NTA."
"Anna is not your friend."
"Friends do not hurt each other."- lizzietnz
"NTA."
"You were definitely being discussed between those two and the basics of said discussion was that you needed to get over it."
"Neither of them cared much for your trauma."
"You did the right thing!"- IntrepidMuch
"NTA!"
"Bringing someone into YOUR house after you said no?"
"Screw that!!"- Vfrnut
"NTA."
"The venue was to be your home."
"It's not appropriate for Anna to invite people to your home without your knowledge or approval no matter what the occasion was."
"Let alone someone who hurt you in the past."
"You are not obligated to heal at all, and especially not as a surprise."- bellegroves
"NTA."
"Sorry, but how can you be friends with someone who stands up for the person that bullied you?"
"If Anna wants to invite Jess to her party, she can host her own at her own place."
"Anna trying to push for Jess to be invited was disrespectful."- the_greek_italian
"NTA."
"Look, if it were in a neutral place and you weren't invested in the planning, (also, I hope you weren't spending your own money on it), then I might say show up for a half hour then leave."
"But the thing is, you planned it to be in your home."
"This is your space, your sanctuary, and where you should always feel the most comfortable and safe."
"It doesn't matter if it was Ana's birthday party, people you don't like, don't trust, and don't feel safe around should never be invited to be there."
"And its kinda sh*tty that Ana and others kept trying to peer pressure you into allowing your space to be violated by someone you don't want there. Its that simple."- Herefiraita
"NTA."
"It's your house."
"You decide who's allowed in and who isn't."
"I think back to people I went to school with and I sure as hell wouldn't want a lot of them coming to my house now either."- Smart-Peace-667
"NTA."
"You were throwing a party for your friend that is not the time for an ambush to hash out the past."-Spiritual-Handle2983
"NTA."
"1) your house, your rules."
"2) nobody gets to dictate whether you should reconcile with Jess or how you should go about it but YOU."
"I am sorry but it sounds like Anna is not your friend."
"Not only has she violated your boundaries, she does not seem to care about your feelings."-pcan1234
"NTA."
"While it is possible that she has changed, you were the victim of her bullying and it's your choice if you want to see her again, not your friends."- Bottlecollecter
"NTA."
"This person is not a friend much less a 'best friend'."- MovieLazy6576
"NTA."
"If Jess wanted to help you 'heal' where was her effort?"
"No apology, she didn't reach out to even ask if you'd be willing to talk."
"Also, your friend is a lying a**."- NuSheol
"NTA."
"You did the right thing, I don't think Jess wants to actually reconcile or help you heal, just wanted to see how you were doing to be able to gossip and bully more."
"You don't have to have people you don't want in your home, it might be her birthday party, but it's YOUR HOME."
"So Jess can throw it for her."- S_l9807
As this was Anna's birthday, one could argue that she had final say on the guest list.
That being said, the OP was also going out of their way to do this for Anna, and Anna somewhat unwisely chose this as an opportunity for the OP and Jess to make amends.
Something the OP was not at all interested in doing, as they felt Jess owed them an apology.
Who's to say how Anna will end up spending her birthday now, but one can only hope it was worth it.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp