Having help after giving birth can be vital to a parent's health and well-being.
There is so much to be done.
The smallest amount of assistance can be life-saving.
But some loved ones don't realize when they're being more toxic than helpful.
Redditor NYCTX123 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for choosing a night nurse over my mom's help after I give birth?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I'm pregnant with my first baby and due later this year."
"My mom initially offered to help for 30 days postpartum, but I've decided to hire a night nurse instead."
"This isn't about one incident; it's a long pattern."
"My mom has a history of emotional volatility and unreliability."
"At my sister's graduation and at events leading up to my wedding, she overdrank and became disruptive. "
"A couple of years ago, she also became physically aggressive with me during an argument in public."
"She tends to minimize concerns and avoids accountability, and despite my asking, she hasn't pursued therapy."
"There have also been times she's committed to helping and backed out at the last minute."
"For example, when my dog had surgery, she promised to stay with her so I could attend my birthday dinner, then tried to cancel an hour before because she wanted to go out for drinks instead."
"Recently, she chose to travel to South America for elective cosmetic surgery a few months before my due date."
"When I voiced concern about possible complications and recovery time, especially since she'll be taking significant time off from her in-person job, she told me she 'can't put her life on hold because I'm pregnant' and that I'm 'not sick.'"
"I only asked if she would consider delaying it until next year, not canceling it."
"She declined."
"My husband and I can afford a night nurse, and I feel calmer having professional, neutral support rather than depending on someone who has historically been unpredictable."
"She's welcome to meet the baby (we live in different states), but I'm not comfortable relying on her for extended help."
"Some family members think I'm overreacting."
"I see this as responding to a pattern and protecting my family."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA at all!!!"
"Protect your peace." ~ 1RainbowUnicorn
"NTA. If someone has a history of unreliability, you will naturally replace them with someone more secure, even if she is your mother."
"If you wanted to be, well, strategic, I guess you could call it, you could tell any relatives, 'Oh, I don't want to put that burden on Mom, you know she sometimes takes on more than she should, like the time she said she'd do X, and then couldn't manage it.'"
"Get that version of events out there."
"Depending on what the cosmetic surgery is, I don't think you can really ask her to avoid it months before the birth, though." ~SavingsRhubarb8746
"NTA at all."
"You mom wants to have helped (past tense ofc), or to be able to think of herself as helpful, but does not want to actually do things that would make her helpful." ~ IllTemperedOldWoman
"This. My M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] made sure to tell everyone she would have helped me with the new baby, but she wanted my mom to be able to help since it's her first grandkid."
"Mind you, she never asked what my family's plan was."
"My mom had a lot of stuff going on and couldn't stay, but one night, so I ended up with no help. "
"But at least my MIL got to sound like she was being humble/generous. 🙄." ~ internal_logging
"NTA!!!"
"Honestly, you don't need the stress."
"Also, the saying 'Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior' is not for nothing."
"Better for you to have peace of mind and know this is a sure thing than to go through the next few months in doubt." ~ Substantial_One6393
"NTA. She has proven that she is unreliable and her priorities are with drinking, not the care or safety of her pregnant daughter, nor soon to be born grandchild."
"If anyone complains to you, just remind them that she is right, she doesn't have to 'put her life on hold' for you."
"You're just respecting her wishes by hiring the night nurse to leave her free to go and live her life unburdened." ~ ForbiddenButtStuff
"NTA... if you couldn't rely on her before, why would she expect you to rely on her now?"
"100 percent get that night nurse for your peace of mind and the baby's safety."
"Congrats on your soon-to-be new arrival." ~ Baalaya84
"NTA. Trust the proven track record and don't allow additional stress during this time."
"If your Mom makes a stink about it, she'll have to wait to meet the baby." ~ InfernalKaneki
"NTA. You know your mum, and you know what she's like."
"You absolutely do not need the extra stress and anxiety at a time that is already stressful."
"100% put your needs and your baby's needs over your mother's 'help,' because it very much sounds like her 'help' is not that at all, and I think you do know this."
"Don't let her, or anyone else, guilt you into this because 'family.'" ~ unapproved_dentist
"NTA. Even without all the issues you described, it is probably better to hire someone if you can because they know exactly why they are there, and you don't have to deal with doing business with family." ~ keesouth
"You are absolutely in the right here."
"I ended up having to do dishes and cook dinner the day after surgery because my mother decided shopping for hours was a bigger priority."
"By hiring the night nurse, you are giving yourself guaranteed peace of mind."
"If your mother wants to help, she can, but the nurse is there when she doesn't show up." ~ Square-Trick2744
"I wouldn't let her near the baby unsupervised, so a night nurse."
"I am confused as to why you interrupted her cosmetic vacation to South America."
"She's of no help to you (Seriously, your description screams that she is unreliable), so why would you want her there?"
"You're giving mixed signals to her and us about her, and you get a mild YTA for that." ~ franklinchica22
"NTA. Past experience has shown you that you're making the right choice by going with a night nurse."
"You don't need the drama your mother brings into every situation right after giving birth." ~ WhatInTheA**Pepper
"NTA. At best, your mom is unreliable."
"At worst, her behaviors make her an unsafe person for your baby to be around." ~ unfortunatelyalive7
"NTA at all."
"Your mother has proven to be unreliable and unrealistic, in addition to the drinking and drama she brings."
"Even if she were stable, reliable, calm, and drama-free, helping to take care of a newborn is a TON of work."
"Trained night nurses are great because they go home at the end of their shift."
"Plus, they're not related to you, so you don't have all the emotional family baggage." ~ LittleLemonSqueezer
"NTA. If you can afford it, that is such a better idea than the stress of not knowing if your mom is going to show up for you." ~ StarWars-TheBadB_tch
"NTA... if she puts up a fight, maybe change the narrative, say you would love for her to spend time and bond with the baby, and maybe allow her to help during the day sometimes."
"Just stress that the night nurse is there to help everyone sleep well, including her (because based on what you've said about her, if you point out how it will benefit HER as well, she might end up loving the idea)."
"You dont have to have a huge argument, and it's also YOUR baby and YOUR decision. Congratulations!! 🥳." ~ jumpypancake34
"Do not let that woman support you for the first month."
"If I could go back in time, I would have chosen at least one week at home, getting my new family settled, figuring out breastfeeding and my new body, bonding with my baby, etc., before having ANY visitors."
"In fact, tell her she's welcome to visit after 2 weeks, but it needs to be planned in advance."
"She can help with daytime care during her visit."
"If she tries to manipulate you, firmly tell her, 'This has already been agreed to, and it's what's best for our family. I'm looking forward to it, and I'm not going to talk about it anymore.'"
"It's 2 weeks." ~ Ok-Try-857
"NTA - sounds like she's not dependable, and you're looking for someone dependable."
"Next time outside, family members ask if you're being too harsh, just remind them about the fight in public."
"And ask, 'Would you want someone you previously fought to be the person you trust with your child?'"
"I've seen Reddit posts that want to stop grandma from seeing the kid cause they hurt the expecting mother's feelings."
"So the fact you're still willing to let her be grandma should be enough leeway." ~ TheDinoSir2012
"NTA, at all."
"Protect your household peace, don't try to depend on someone who's proven themself undependable."
"Especially at a time when you'll be exhausted and have a newborn, your mother is a huge liability."
"Congratulations on your baby!"
"I hope all goes well!" ~ SuperflyandApplePie
"I would just tell her: Mom, we want you to visit and enjoy your grandchild."
"We're hiring a night nurse, but you're welcome to come over during the day, hang out, help if you want, and be with your child and grandchild."
"No need to take extra time off work."
"NTA - You need dependable help when you have a baby."
"And congratulations!" ~ SparklesIB
"NTA. It's a newborn baby."
"You can never be too careful." ~ Kristmaus
Reddit has your back, OP.
You are putting your baby and your own health first.
Stay firm and stand your ground.
Good Luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp