As children grow older, it’s important for them to learn how to properly take care of themselves.
Most specifically, how to keep themselves clean and presentable.
Of course, this is something that needs to be taught, putting a large responsibility on the parents.
So if children clearly aren’t taking proper care of themselves by a certain age, you can’t help but wonder how well they are being cared for by their parents.
Redditor sheldon4ever had become fairly distressed at the physical state of her daughter.
Eventually, feeling that somewhat drastic actions were needed, the original poster (OP) took matters into her own hands.
Unfortunately, while the OP expected gratitude from her husband, she was met with anything but.
Prompting the OP to demand her husband start being a “better father”.
Wondering if she had gone too far, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for telling my husband to grow up and learn to be a father?”
The OP explained why she felt scolding her husband was necessary:
“I (37 F[emale]) told my husband (31 M[ale]) that he needed to grow up and learn to be a better father.”
“Our daughter has very unruly and tangled hair.”
“It’s very difficult to manage, and I must admit that since getting a job, I haven’t been keeping on top of it.”
“Our daughter is 8.”
“Today, a friend of mine and I, spent hours on her hair, detangling it, brushing it, and making it look nice.”
“Excited, we went to show her father, who instantly said, ‘What’s wrong with your hair’ and ‘It looks weird’.”
“She started crying and is currently sobbing in her bedroom.”
“So I told him that he needed to grow up and learn to be a father, and he says I crossed a line.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community generally had trouble sympathizing with anyone in this situation.
While most agreed that the OP wasn’t wrong in telling her husband off, they also agreed that she needed to take some responsibility for letting her daughter’s hair get “unruly” and “tangled”, and working was no excuse:
“WTF?”
“Why are all of the adults around her allowing her hair to get that tangled and unruly?”
“All y’all are TAs here.”
“A kid who has curly hair needs to have it groomed every single day, using the appropriate product for their hair type, if necessary.”
“You don’t get a day off.”
“For both parents.”
“ESH but not for the reasons you think you might be.”
“You both need to grow up and be better parents.”- anglflw
“ESH.”
“You’re her parent too, having a job isn’t an excuse to neglect your child.”
“The fact that it took 2 PEOPLE SEVERAL HOURS to untangle her hair is horrifying.”
“Your husband is also being a terrible parent, and imo he did deserve to be told to grow up, but so do you.”
“Your daughter’s needs come first.”- ILikePasta4
“Have to agree, ESH.”
“Obviously, your husband is horrible, and you were right that he needs to grow up he sounds like a loser.”
“But why are both parents in your daughter’s life letting her hair get to the point that it takes hours to detangle?”
“Sounds pretty neglectful.”
“Other kids pick up on this kind of thing and make fun of them because of it.”- laurieca_
“Wow.”
“Mr Sensitive.”
“But you both need to be better parents if you’re letting her hair get into this state.”
“ESH.”- Moose-Live
“ESH.”
“Your husband for not acting like a father in his reaction AND for not taking care of your daughter’s hair on a regular basis.”
“And you for not taking care of your daughter’s hair on a regular basis either.”
“But then, no, you were not the AH when you told your husband to grow up.”- vev-cec
“ESH.”
“He was a jerk to make those comments, but you are letting your daughter’s hair get out of control and she is 8?”
“Teach her to help comb her own hair.”
“As a child who grew up with crazy hair, I can assure you that it was humiliating to go to school with tangled, disheveled hair.”
“I eventually learned to comb my own hair by untangling it in sections, but boy do I wish my mom had cared enough to comb my hair and/or teach me to do it sooner.”
“I have massively thick and wavy hair, so it was rough.”
“At 8, if she has waves/curls, and thick hair, it will take time to learn, but help her or at least braid it so the tangles do not get so bad.”
“Otherwise, that is neglect.”- ZonieinJP
“ESH.”
“Both of you need to not let your daughter’s hair be untended and neglected.”
“Leaning he’s more of an AH for the dismissive and rude comment to the kid.”- WholeAd2742
“There’s not enough context for me to say whether or not he deserved a comment as harsh as ‘learn to be a father’… but girl, does he suck big time for saying anything that isn’t positive about his daughter’s hair.”
“Learn empathy & compassion for sure!”
“If he didn’t instantly initiate repair after he hurt her like that, the comment is merited, IMO.”
“To the comments blaming the child for not taking care of her hair— it is NEVER a child’s fault for not having a life skill or being able to follow through on it.”
“There are two parents here: A tired mom and an emotionally immature father.”
“To the comments blaming the mom for snapping at the dad and for not taking care of her daughter’s hair more consistently… she shouldn’t have to be the only parent who does that.”
“I would snap, too.”
“NTA… or maybe ESH because I don’t care how wrung out someone is— take care of your dependents.”
“But also… come on, husband.”
“Be a life partner.”- SitStaySlayyy
“ESH.”
“This seems like communication between both of you is awful.”
“Everyone seems rude af.”
“She’s 8, if it took 2 of you to fix her hair, then you and your husband and your daughter need to be maintaining it regularly, not just when you get free time so 1) your daughter doesn’t suffer 2) your husband knows what to do 3) you aren’t making yourself the only one who does everything right.”- robotcrackle
“ESH.”
“If it took you hours to detangle her hair, then it sounds like you’re neglecting her.”
“Step up and be a better parent, both of you.”- Legitimate-Fox2028
There were a few, however, who took the OP’s side, appalled by the behavior of her husband, even if they still agreed she wasn’t being as present a mother as she should be:
“NTA.”
“But he isn’t going to magically wake up one day, and he’s like, wow, I’ve been in a fog for a while, welp, better start being a good husband and father.”
“He knows he’s not doing an adequate job.”
“He likes it that way.”
“That’s why he thinks you crossed a line with your statement, but not that he crossed a line with his neglect.”
“His neglect is a feature for him, not a flaw.”
“You calling him out for it is a flaw, not a feature.”- Imnotawerewolf
“NTA.”
“OP doesn’t denote race.”
“But for many people of color with curly/coily hair, self-management of said hair doesn’t come about until much later.”
“Think 11 and up.”
“It isn’t neglect it’s the nature and difficulty associated with maintaining that hair texture.”
“It is parental responsibility for those with children with such hair needs to cater to them until the child is of age to do it themselves.”
“That isn’t the child’s fault.”
“Nor will cutting exceedingly thick and curly hair into a pixie solve the problem.”
“No one goes through elementary school resembling a deranged poodle and looks back on it fondly.”
“If OP’s husband didn’t like the child’s hair, why not advise OP alone?”
“He made a nasty and cruel comment directly to the child.”
“There is no excuse for doing such.”
“OP responded in defense of the child.”
“And yet so many E.S.H. responses.”
“The onus of caring for the child is shared.”
“OP previously handled all hair care before working outside of the home.”
“Now that she too has a job outside of the home, her partner is expected to assist in caring for his child.”
“He’s had 8 years to learn how and opted out.”
“This was a skill he needed regardless of OP’s employment status.”
“We’re looking for reasons to place blame on OP.”
“She never would’ve told him to step up had he not directly insulted their daughter after she completed the work he avoided.”
“She sucks for not finding ways to carry the entirety of the load?”
“For telling him to step up after he intentionally told babygirl her hair freshly combed and styled looked weird?”
“Sometimes one party is truly just in the wrong.”
“There isn’t anything the other players could’ve done to manage his reaction and behavior.”
“Every devil doesn’t deserve a PR advocate.”- TheUrbanBunny
It’s hard to imagine how the OP’s husband could have possibly thought that his reaction to their daughter’s hair was appropriate.
However, it’s equally hard to imagine how the OP knowingly let her daughter’s hair get to such an unfortunate state in the first place.
The OP wasn’t wrong, as her husband does indeed need to be a better father.
That being said, it seems the OP needs to take her own advice as well…