Some married couples manage to stay together after infidelity. But generally a bare minimum requirement for reconciliation is for the cheating spouse to break off contact with their affair partner, especially in voluntary social situations.
But what if your cheating spose refuses to cut ties?
A husband and father turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback after his wife wouldn't stop playing games, literally, with her affair partner.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Throwaway1986iii asked:
"AITAH For wanting a divorce after my wife insists on keeping her affair partner in our life so he can Dungeon Master (DM) her Dungeons & Dragons (DnD) sessions?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I have been married to my wife for 15 years. Last year she initiated an affair with a long time friend who was running her DnD sessions (for the sake of this post we will call him Dan)."
"I had a lot of trust issues surrounding this guy for some time starting when he and my wife were both fired for sexually harassing an employee which effectively ended my wife's career."
"When I discovered the affair they went no contact for a while. Me and my wife went into therapy and have been trying to rebuild our life for a year."
"In our last therapy session she has insisted that this man must stay in her life as a friend and that they would never cross that line again, especially because they are playing DnD with a crowd."
"But then she says in their current campaign he is an NPC that she flirts with hard, while also describing in therapy that their characters should flirt hard 'for the game.'"
"I can't trust that them not cheating again would be the case, so therapy has now shifted into separation."
"We have two children, one with special needs, and she and her circle believe I am likely clinically insane for wanting to separate over what they think is a bunch of people just playing DnD."
"AITAH here, because I strongly feel like I am being gaslit a little here."
The OP later added:
"As far as the sexual harassment, this was her story. They both worked at a bookstore, like middle management or something like that. She claimed that she tried to set him up on a date with a girl who liked him and worked at the bookstore."
"They played a game of 'marry, f*ck, kill' with the employee. He said he would kill her, my wife said she would f*ck her. The girl reported them."
"The guy who officiated our wedding also worked there. He called me about a month later to come over for a party he was throwing."
"Turned out she walked in on them having sex—the truth came out in therapy."
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP wasn't wrong to want a divorce when his wife insists on spending time with her affair partner (NTA).
"Your wife is a monster."
"Honestly, even if she weren't a cheater, she got fired from her job for sexually harassing someone. That is horrid. You don't stay married to someone who is a bad person."
"And you're right that she is trying to gaslight you. Asking to keep seeing someone she cheated with because she likes to play DND with him shows an utter disinterest in the marriage."
"You need to fast-track this divorce and stop worrying about what her idiot friends think." ~ EmceeSuzy
"NTA, EASILY. She's shown you, for another time, how little she values you. She literally chose a GAME over you. And it's not even THE game."
"She can still play DnD, just not with that particular person. My colleague has multiple DnD groups with randos he found on the internet. Your spouse is meant to be your 1 in 8 billion, and she chose this over you?"
"Nah, OP, find someone who will cherish and treasure you for real." ~ ItIsWhatIssss
"You are being gaslit."
"Continuing on with an affair partner, in ANY way, is a deal breaker. First, they sexually harassed another poor person, ENDING her career (she was willing to lose her career to team up with this a**hole to sexually harass someone), and then it almost ends your marriage, but she wants him back to play a f*cking game?"
"Nope."
"I would be divorcing this cheater cuz she's really a POS." ~ shep2105
"NTA. Your wife is continuing this affair. She has been appeasing you by going to the couple's counseling, but she has no intention of changing her behavior."
"Let her have her DnD affair partner. People serious about healing their marriage don't continue to spend time with their affair partner." ~ Due-Season6425
"If they still have contact, the affair continues. An affair isn't just f*cking. It includes an emotional connection that is fed by continued contact."
"The first step in rebuilding trust is zero contact. Divorce or a different DnD DM is a consequence she brought on herself by cheating." ~ Own-Writing-3687
"NTA. Yeah, divorce her. Make sure the kids know why. Not in a 'judgmental' or 'hostile' way. Just in a 'matter of fact, judge for yourself, kids' way."
"Her circle calls you 'insane' to bully and gaslight you to support her. She's probably fed them some sob story. She lied and cheated on you. Why would she tell anyone else the truth? F*ck that nonsense from Team Mordor." ~ get_to_ele
"She isn't taking a basic and obvious step to try to help you recover from the pain she caused you and your family. She isn't serious about changing. I don't think you could have believed anything she said or did before, but you definitely can't now." ~ jonjon234567
"She was canned for sexual harassment. Something she participated in with this guy."
"OP, you get to make boundaries. She may have once been good and kind, but she's pretty selfish and intensely cruel now." ~ YesterdaySimilar2069
"As a DnD player, I understand being invested in a campaign and a character, and not wanting to potentially lose friends because she has to cut out the DM. There are two things I don't understand though."
"First, how can she value a DnD campaign, that group of friends, and that guy more than her marriage? It's easier to lose her marriage than a guy that seems pretty toxic?"
"And second, I fail to understand how you being uncomfortable with her hanging around her affair partner and wanting to separate makes you the a**hole. Trust was broken, and she's not doing anything to show good faith on her part."
"DnD is a fun game, sure, but the DM was her affair partner. It's pretty reasonable to ask her to play with someone else."
"I think that you would want her to create some distance from him, especially to show that she's serious about mending things. It's too easy for feelings and sexual infidelity to show up again."
"She's clearly already emotionally cheating." ~ Tea_laBleu
"No contact is a non-negotiable to even have a small chance of saving the marriage. She is essentially saying the affair partner and DnD are more important to her than her relationship with OP." ~ Necessary_Tap343
"Dude, what's stopping you from leaving her? If she loved you, she wouldn't have cheated or ruined someone's career because of her fling.
"And worse, you forgave her, and she still wants the guy in your lives; all that's left is for her to ask you for a threesome or an open relationship with him."
"Pack your things and make it clear to everyone what happened and that you tried, but she prefers him to your marriage. Tell your family and friends the truth." ~ Future-Battle-4926
The OP provided an update:
"She tried to explain today that her friend lives with her current husband and ex-husband 'because that is what's best for her kids'."
"I laughed very hard and then explained that it is time to introduce a little bit of normalcy for our kids."
"Looks like divorce town."
"I am less bitter than when I made this post. But I think we all know where this is going."
"I don't want to take my kids away from their mom, though. This sh*t is between me and her."
If his wife is unwilling to cut her affair partner out of her life, then the affair never ended, even if the sex stopped.
It's time for OP to move on with his life.
Woman Irate After 'Misogynistic' Date 'Insults' Her In Front Of Waiter For Interrupting Him
While dating is supposed to be fun and the best way to find new love, some people are just not meant to date each other.
Fortunately, people can get out of dating someone, and no reason is too small or petty, members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subreddit pointed out.
Redditor Mental_Driver_6134 had been dating a guy on and off for over a year, and while things were okay, there hadn't been a particular reason to make the relationship more serious.
When they went on a date, and the guy publicly insulted her for interrupting him and speaking out of turn, the Original Poster (OP) was not certain it was worth going on another date with him or continuing to string this situationship along.
She asked the sub:
At a restaurant, the OP's date wasn't being clear while speaking with the waiter.
"I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off. We discussed the order and were in a good mood overall."
"When the waiter came to take the order, he started explaining him something about his preference for a particular dish. Basically, he didn't want too much garlic in chili burnt garlic noodles."
"Everything was going fine, but I saw that he was taking too much time explaining it and wasn't really getting to the main point, which was less garlic."
"I chimed in and casually said, 'We just want less garlic.'"
"But I couldn't even complete the sentence before he said to me in front of the waiter, 'If you're gonna cut me off like this, I'm not giving any orders, okay?!' in the rudest way possible."
The moment ruined the date for the OP.
"I just went quiet after that. He quickly realized that he made a mistake and tried to cover up by saying that, 'Okay , I won't shout at you next time onwards.'"
"I was really p**sed off but didn't react much to avoid creating a scene."
"On our way back home, he started with his explanation. He said that I tried to make him feel small by cutting him off and lacked basic etiquette and that I should have at least said, 'Can I give my opinion here?- before cutting him off."
"It kept getting worse as he said that since he was the older one and 'The Man,' I should not have interrupted him and let him give the order."
"The whole tone was so misogynistic."
"He even mocked me for not knowing how to use chopsticks properly, which I didn't mind as basic banter, and I told him that there are forks and spoons kept here; it's not necessary to use the chopsticks (he ended up dropping his dumpling while explaining to me how to use chopsticks)."
"When the noodles came, he said that we could use forks then, and I was like, 'No, why not use chopsticks here, as well? You should watch more anime, maybe,' and he then went on to brag about having been to many five-star restaurants, which implied that he knew more than me and that I lacked any 'real experience.'"
The OP was over it by the end of the conversation.
"I was too exhausted from this; it seemed so nonsensical that I left later and told him to maintain a distance."
"Later he was saying that I'm stuck on such a small thing and that he won't shout again, but it was my mistake that I tried to cut him off (which wasn't my intention at all)."
"Also, sidenote: He's like four and a half years older than me. I met him last September and on and off many times with a few months of minimal contact. These offs end with him acting as if nothing happened."
"This incident was the calmest he's behaved if compared to past situations, so you can guess what the worst may have looked like."
"I only gave him a chance cause he was trying to control his anger issues. But I think you can't expect a 29-year-old to fix the misogyny."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that she was right to be upset.
"He was s**tty, but it was her fault; I just love that. NOR."
"If she hadn’t interrupted his highness, none of this would have happened. Why can’t she just admit it?"
"I’m so glad I’m long out of the dating pool. There is no bar anymore; it’s what can I get from you while I treat you like s**t. Man, the good old days of dating are long over." - Shadow4summer
"NOR. The 'I'm the man' line revealed everything OP needs to know about him. He couldn't handle a simple, harmless interruption, so he tried to humiliate her in public to regain control. Taking his own dumpling dive while trying to act superior is peak karma, honestly." - virelaczi
"NOR! If a 'small' man tries to put you down in public on a date, run the eff away! It doesn’t matter if it’s two dates, two months, or two YEARS!" - Delicious_Winner_819
"Not overreacting, this man is clearly insecure and controlling. Not to mention a misogynist. Instead of being on and off, just be off. It's better to be single than to be with someone who tries to make you feel less than." - curiouscuriel
"'I know better than you.'"
"Should tell you ALL you need to know about this 'man'. Go and find somebody who will treat you as their person... and not an object. That is what is not sitting right with you."
"NOR. And bloody run!!! I wouldn't even give him the time of day after an experience like that." - pootling_1976
"My ex would constantly say, 'You're interrupting me.' I was not. He was a psycho."
"This is how it went, for example:"
"Him: I am ordering chicken and snow peas and white rice [long pause]."
"I start to say ANYTHING (the place is on effing fire!), and he would berate me, 'You interrupted me, you ALWAYS do that, I can never speak, blah, blah blah.'"
"I say, 'Lucifer (what I call him behind his back), you took a long pause. I waited, and I thought you were done.'"
"Then THAT becomes a pile of s**t convo, more berating... He was so manipulative and verbally abusive; I cannot even scratch the surface here."
"So, no. That date is a Lucifer, and you should never even speak to him again." - Belmontisnowhideous
Others pointed out that the OP didn't have to keep dating him if this is how she felt about him.
"Great news! You do not need to spend any more time with this guy." - Blue-flash
"If you marry this guy, this behavior will only get worse. He doesn’t respect women, and he probably never will. I'd stop dating him now before you waste more time." - Additional-Start9455
"NOR. Don’t waste another minute of your life on an angry man. He’ll get worse, not better. Just find a guy who doesn’t need fixing." - Broad_Pomegranate141
"I mean, him being an insufferable smug jerk is not a small thing."
"'I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off.' But this strikes me as an elephant in the room."
"It isn't often that good, healthy relationships are on and off again. And given how profoundly rude he was, how immediately he doubled down, how condescending, etc., I can't help but think this isn't the first time he's been gross as a partner."
"NOR, but really ask yourself what you're doing here. This can't be the life you hoped for, and you know he isn't going to change as well." - Traeyze
"NOR. There's no way to live with this kind of man, honestly, and OP should definitely leave this guy."
"A year of on and off with kind of behavior is basically a preview of the next ten." - NoEar4226
"NOR. I've broken up with guys like that by telling them they were right all along. I'm just not smart enough for him. He deserves someone on his own level..."
"Hopefully he picks up the hint and does some self-reflection for his future dates (with other women)."
"For what it's worth, I have two post-graduate degrees." - PomeloPepper
"When someone treats you like s**t, you do NOT have to stay with them, no matter how long you've been together."
"Unfortunately, my therapist had to explain this to me a short time after I started seeing her because my parents never gave me any autonomy to make my own decisions. I didn’t know that I could just leave places that I didn’t feel safe in because it wasn’t an option for me until then."
"Some people do need to be given permission to do what’s best for them because of the way they were treated by their parents."
"Hopefully she does leave him because he sucks, and with the way he treats her, things will likely get worse for her." - Accomplished_Dig284
We've all heard the advice to not cry over spilled milk, but clearly, this date must fuss over garlicky noodles.
To the subReddit, it wasn't worth continuing to date a man who clearly had anger and control issues, especially given everything going on in society right now.
The OP would be better off staying single for a while or dating someone new, preferably someone who respects their differences about noodles and chopsticks.