When someone you love dearly, like a close friend or family member, has a baby, there's nothing quite like the feeling of spending time with them and having the privilege of holding their baby.
But holding their baby is a privilege, not a guarantee, especially when the baby is hungry, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Normal_Rise_282 had recently had a baby, and she'd been surrounded with her husband, her mother, and her in-laws for the past two months straight while she navigated new motherhood, caring for a newborn, and more recently, a demanding clusterfeeding schedule.
When her in-laws started pressuring her to hold the baby more, and even accused her of "hogging" her own baby to feed them, the Original Poster (OP) decided some distance was necessary.
She asked the sub:
"Am I the a**hole for telling my husband to go stay in a hotel with my in-laws, and that my mom was going to come back to help me with our new baby instead?"
The OP was processing new motherhood with a lot of company.
"I (28 Female) just had my husband (31 Male) and I's first child seven weeks ago."
"I had a scheduled induction, so my mom came two days before I was induced and stayed with us for the first six weeks. She just left last week. She was originally going to just stay for two weeks after I gave birth, but she stayed longer because my recovery has been very difficult, and I just needed the extra help."
"My in-laws wanted to come visit as soon as the baby was born, as well, but they did not want to stay in a hotel, and we have a small house with no guest room, and my mother was sleeping on a pullout bed in our living room, so there was just no space for anyone else and so they decided not to come visit until my mother left."
The OP's in-laws were very demanding of the baby.
"They arrived three days ago, and it has not gone well. Last night, my mother-in-law (MIL) got very upset with me and told me I was ruining her experience as a first-time grandma and 'hogging both the baby and her son after she had to wait weeks and weeks to meet the baby.'"
"The background here is that the baby is cluster feeding for the last few days, and I do not feel comfortable breastfeeding in front of my in-laws, so I keep taking the baby to our bedroom or the nursery to feed him, and breastfeeding makes me hungry and thirsty, so I keep asking my husband to bring me snacks and water."
"I try to bring the baby out to interact with my in-laws when he stops feeding for a few minutes, but it is very aggravating to keep covering up and going downstairs just for the baby to cry minutes later and want to feed again."
"My MIL keeps rolling her eyes and getting annoyed each time I said he had to feed again and go back upstairs, and she kept being like, 'He can't be hungry; he just ate!'"
"And she thinks I just don't want to let her hold him or play with him, and when I ask my husband to bring me snacks and stuff, she keeps huffing and saying things like, 'Okay, your father-in-law (FIL) and I will just sit here by ourselves!'"
The OP's mother-in-law was also adding more work to the home.
"She has not offered me any help the way my mother did."
"My mom would cook for us like every day, and she would take over baby care for the night when she was staying here, and she would just bring him to me to nurse, but she would burp and change him and get him back to sleep for me around two nights a week, and it was a lifesaver."
"My MIL just keeps telling me to give her the baby when I can't because he needs to eat and not really doing anything to help, and getting mad that I need my husband's help."
The OP was hurt when her husband sided with his parents.
"I told my husband I felt this way after his mom yelled at me last night, and he told me his mom isn't here to help me the way my mom was because she's not my mom."
"She's there to meet her grandson, and he wanted to spend the next few days introducing his child to his parents, not just making me snacks and then sitting around watching TV with his parents waiting for me to finish breastfeeding so they can see the baby."
"He told me he's been looking forward to his parents meeting the baby since the birth, and it's been disappointing that it's going this way."
"I told him I feel like I don't know how to please anyone because I can't just not feed my son, I don't want to be miserable and hungry and thirsty when I'm breastfeeding."
"I really don't think making me a snack plate and filling up my water bottle takes that long and is taking away that much time that my in-laws could be spending with my husband, and he's the only person I can ask to do it because my mom left, so now he needs to help me."
The OP didn't want to share her home with them anymore.
"I exploded at him and told him they can all just leave and get a hotel room, and my mom can come back to help me because at least she does things to help me and doesn't shame me for trying to breastfeed."
"He told me he couldn't believe I would say that."
"He pointed out that I knew his parents didn't like hotels, but they would go stay in one then, and they all went and got rooms at the Holiday Inn in our town, and I spent the night alone with the baby for the first time and got no sleep."
"I called my mom crying, and she's on her way back to help me now, but now I feel like I might have made a huge mistake by telling them all to leave, but I felt like I was going to scream, and I just wanted my mom to come back."
"He has not texted or called me to check on the baby or me at all since they all left last night."
"Was I wrong for telling them to go to a hotel?"
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out just how hard clusterfeeding could be and challenged the family to be more supportive and understanding of the OP while getting through this.
"Cluster feeding happens; it relates to growth milestones. It is TOUGH."
"I remember when my son did it. He ate for 45 minutes, and then, less than half an hour later, he was crying and rooting again. I burst into tears, saying he CAN'T BE hungry again."
"Fortunately, my sister-in-law was visiting that day and was an experienced peds nurse and told me about cluster feeding and that after three or four days, it would be better."
"Your baby is not a doll, and your husband and in-laws are ignorant, selfish jerks." - Relative_Fortune_156
"I remember this well. I called them screaming and eating days because that is all my daughter would do all day."
"My husband, bless him, would set me up in the morning with the laptop, a DVD box set, water, and lots of snacks. Sometimes he even came home at lunchtime with sandwiches for me, and once he got back from wor,k he would feed me, wash nappies, and give me what breaks he could."
"OP's husband is a useless pr**k, and I see where he got it from." - PickletonMuffin
"I had twins, and I'll just say that I only have vague intermittent memories from the first two or three months. My husband was a huge help because we breastfed, too, so he couldn't do feeding, but he did everything else when he could, and so did my sister-in-law."
"OP's husband is not a real partner; he and his family are baggage." - kimdeal0
"OP did what I WISH I had the balls to do when I was postpartum and getting no support, having to walk up two flights of stairs with fresh stitches to feed my baby because my in-laws wanted to sit around useless and judgey on my couch."
"I'm proud of you, OP. This is a very hard and important time for you and your baby. It's really not about anyone else right now, and they're insane for suggesting it is." - Grouchy_Leopard6036
"Cluster feeding is a nightmare. I have an 11-week-old, and I exclusively pump. I tried to nurse a couple of weeks ago, and he went straight to cluster feeding, complete with screaming. It was almost traumatizing, and we went back to bottle feeding less than 12 hours later."
"OP, if I were you, I'd be asking your mom to pack what you absolutely cannot part with, and to help get you out of that house while they're at the Holiday Inn. Then they can cozy back up with their precious son." - Free_Corgi8269
Others were disgusted that the husband was siding with his parents over the mother of his child.
"Unbelievable, the in-laws don't want to help either. Daughter-in-law is just that... a daughter." - downtofinance
"Not only are they not helping, but they are also actively creating a hostile environment for the mother, stressing her out, and even yelling at her."
"And about that, if my mother yelled for whatever reason at my wife, I will show her the door, regardless of whether it is day or night."
"Feckless husband, entitled MIL; as the saying goes, OP has a husband problem, not a in-law one." - JaNoTengoNiNombre
"Doesn't stress also affect milk supply? Affecting milk supply for a baby only wanting a 20 to 30 minute break sounds like a bad idea to me."
"I'm betting it is actually the husband's and the in-laws' plan. If the baby is bottle-fed, they can hold it all they want, or so they think." - sparklyvenus
"My mom and dad were like the OP's in-laws. They were taught that formula was modern and clean, so they really couldn't understand breastfeeding."
"My parents were no help whatsoever and expected drinks and meals on demand. They watched loud, very inappropriate television all day with no regard for what I wanted, five days after delivering a giant baby WITH complications."
"All in a very compact house. They wanted the baby to behave like a nine-month-old who interacted with them. New babies are a lump and don't do much at all. They were mad that they were bored."
"All my friends' parents who visited their grandchildren sounded like OP's mom. Knowing my parents would be no help, I did that for my sister."
"I'm glad op had her mom to help. Too bad her husband can't stand up for her. NTA." - procrastinatorsupreme
"Why aren't they letting the baby feed? I had a h**l of a time with my second; she fed every 45 minutes for weeks."
"My MIL brought me biscuits and snacks. I can understand some men just not getting it, but how could MIL be so ignorant?"
"When my husband pushed me to switch to a bottle, his mother took my side. Because she'd been through it herself. How could they all be so selfish?"
"OP, concentrate on your baby and your mum for a while. Forget about the in-laws." - GorgeousGracious
The subreddit was furious on the OP's behalf, but glad that she spoke up for herself and got her husband and in-laws out into a hotel where they could keep their comments to themselves.
If this was how they were going to treat the OP and her newborn baby now, there was no telling how much worse it could get in the future.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp