Mainstreaming of children with disabilities in the United States began in public schools in earnest with the passage of the Education for All Handicapped Children Act (Public Law 94-142) in 1975. The federal law is now known as the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA).
Throughout the next several decades, the segregation of disabled children became largely a thing of the past. School children in the 2020s have spent their entire education learning alongside their disabled peers.
A mother whose son grew up in that inclusive environment turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Dry-Dirt-1426 asked:
"AITAH for calling my husband silly for freaking out that our teenage son has a girlfriend who's in a wheelchair?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My husband 'James' (37, male) and I (39, female) have a son 'Lucas' (13, male) who is a freshman in high school. After the Christmas break, a new girl 'Yuki' (14, female) was in his class."
"I've heard Lucas and his friends talk about how Yuki is the prettiest girl in school."
"By their talk, I didn't know she was in a wheelchair. Just that she's from another country, is super cool, and super pretty."
"After Lucas mentioned he started dating Yuki, I found out she was in a wheelchair when I picked up my son from school. Lucas told his dad and showed what Yuki looked like by showing him her Facebook."
"My husband seemed okay with it."
"But later, with just me, my husband James expressed concern over our son dating a girl in a wheelchair. Talking about how our son doesn't know what he's getting himself into and blah, blah, blah."
"I called my husband silly and he got mad at me."
"Am I the a**hole?"
The OP later added:
"It's my son's 1st girlfriend. My husband is concerned that she's in a wheelchair."
"My husband's younger brother met his wife in high school. According to them, they told each other they loved the other in less than a month after meeting."
"They never dated anyone else after that and my husband is worried our son will do the same thing. Which is silly to worry about at this point—our son is 13, soon to be 14."
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong to call her husband's concerns over a first love silly (NTA).
"My daughter has a significant disability and striking facial differences. When parents tell me they had no idea because their kid only talked about how cool and nice she was.... it's pretty heartwarming and a strong indicator the friends are kind, good people."
"Your son is one of those kind, good people. Be proud. Challenge your husbands perspective on this." ~ unlikely_branches
"Don't let your husband's prejudices and insecurities ruin a good thing for your kid. Or ruin your kid."
"Your son knows exactly what he is getting himself into. While he does not focus on it, I am sure he is fully aware that she uses a wheelchair. Doesn't mean they can't date, hang out with friends, or go participate in activities."
"Sounds like you have raised a kind, caring, friendly, secure kid who sees people for who they are and not their abilities or differences. Look at the qualities and opinions he has shared so far, nothing but positive and appropriate. Whatever you did, you did right. Thank you for raising up a great human." ~ Scorp128
"I get the dad having some concerns when it comes to limitations to plans and costs associated with being a wheelchair user and needing adapted infrastructure, but they're still kids, neither of them is going to have to worry about having to get an adapted car and put a little ramp on their dream house scenario anytime soon."
"They'll hang out at school, at one another's house, and maybe go to a mall or to the movies every now and then. They're also probably capable of easily pushing her to the backseat so she can climb in and folding the wheelchair to put in the back with total ease at this age too. She's not a 95-year-old granny with zero upper body strength."
"Kids don't care about a 30 second extra step here and there on their way to do something they enjoy, unless it causes them some pain."
"If the relationship lasts long enough for these lifestyle adaptations to be a primary concern, then things are seriously working and the wheelchair means nothing compared to the kind of relationship they've formed."
"The dad's probably getting worried about stuff that's just a non issue for now. It should settle after they meet if that's what got him to say that, when he realizes the girl isn't necessarily Stephen Hawking levels of mobility impaired." ~ TactlessTortoise
"NTA. Unless your husband can articulate why he's concerned beyond general anxiety about disability, yeah, that's silly." ~ shyfidelity
"Your son looked straight through the disability and only sees her. Your husband could learn something from that." ~ alien_overlord_1001
"NTA. It's just his first love. No need for your husband to plan their wedding just yet. But..."
"It's great your son doesn't look at Yuki and just see 'wheelchair girl', but there are a couple things you should speak to him about. He needs to recognize Yuki's needs and accommodations when they hang out together."
"My roommate in college was deaf and had cerebral palsy. I'm autistic. It was great when guys asked us out, but some would then try to take us to typical date spots."
"Like guys would ask my roommate to go to the movies. This was long before theaters had any accommodations for deaf people, making it a miserable experience for her because she couldn't follow along with the plot or dialogue."
"They'd plan a concert date for me, but with that many people and that much noise, I'd be literally vomiting from the sensory overload."
"Teens typically enjoy dates at the movies, or concerts, or the beach, or amusement parks. Yuki can do all of those things IF the place is accessible and accommodating."
"That means more than just a ramp or elevators. Is there wheelchair seating in the theater or concert venue? You can purchase wheelchair seating tickets."
"Are their sand wheelchairs available at the beach? Does the amusement park have rides that someone in a wheelchair can ride?"
"And vitally important, do all of them have adequate wheelchair accessible bathrooms? No one wants to go on a date then have to leave early because there's nowhere for them to go to the bathroom."
"As long as your son is keeping these things in mind, dating Yuki shouldn't be all that different than dating any other girl. Your husband can unclench." ~ MohawMais
The OP provided an update:
"Even though the majority said I'm NTA, I did agree with those who said I was dismissive of my husband. So yesterday, I wanted to really hear him out."
That's when he reminded me of the situation about his brother and sister-in-law. How what is going on with our son reminded him of what happened with his brother.
"I got new information about our son, that when I wasn't in the room, Lucas told my husband that he's in love with Yuki. My husband repeated that our son doesn't know what he's getting himself into."
"He made more points saying that our son barely acknowledging that Yuki uses a wheelchair meant that our son has an immature and unprepared attitude towards Yuki. I let my husband finish."
"He mentioned how our son is an athlete and Yuki has different interests, like video games and cartoons. My husband said he's worried that our son will morph himself into someone else to impress Yuki."
"Two of my questions really stumped my husband. 1st when I asked him if he can name anyone else he knows personally, our generation or younger, who married someone they started dating in high school."
"He couldn't think of anyone else besides his brother. If Lucas and Yuki are still dating when they're seniors, then we can revisit his concerns."
"Then the question of when he and I met in college, if he would have chased me if I was in a wheelchair. He said he probably would and he said he got my point."
"I talked to Lucas separately. He was surprisingly excited to share with me his feelings about Yuki. He told me that he's in love with her. About how she's the coolest, most interesting, and prettiest girl he's ever met."
"He talked about wanting to do something for her for Valentine's day, but he doesn't know what yet. He mentioned that, even though Yuki is fluent in English, he's watching videos to learn basic phrases in her native language. How he's listening to love songs in her native language. How he's learning all about her native country."
"I only gave him two pieces of advice. To avoid promising Yuki anything major, to avoid ending up disappointing her. And that really, really big, grand gestures can make a girl feel overwhelmed."
"Right now, I'm not too concerned about my son's relationship with Yuki. Back when I was in high school, I had a male best friend who managed to be 'in love' with 5 different girls in just 4 years of high school."
"As for my husband, I think he's coming around after our conversation last night. So things seem okay to me."
"Right now, my son and Yuki are out together. As far as I'm aware, her parents are responsible people."
"So the fact that she's allowed to hang out with a boy alone after moving to a new country should tell my husband something about their trust in her, her ability to navigate life with minimal assistance, and their trust in our son."
"Yuki is in many ways, just living the life of the average high school student in America."
"And I do appreciate that my son is taking genuine interest in her personality and background, instead of just treating her like a pretty face to look at or just 'that girl in a wheelchair'."
Hopefully OP's husband will relax now.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp