Family vacations can be stressful. When extended family are added in with confined quarters, the anxiety can increase.
A husband and father turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback after an unpleasant experience with his wife’s family.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no official voting acronyms and no final judgment given.
Deadhand31 asked:
“WIBTAH If I told my wife that I didn’t want to take extended family vacations anymore?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“So I (44, male) took a vacation with my wife (43, female), son (5, male), mother-in-law (MIL, 65, female), sister-in-law (SIL, 38, female), and her two boys (10, male and 12, male).”
“Both SIL and MIL are divorced because they married men-children. I can confirm this, not just by what they told me, but from witnessed events.”
“We all shared one vehicle and Airbnbs. We had a lot of activities and had fun, but the times in between were stressful. I love my wife’s family, but there are things they do that grate on me.”
“My nephews are good, well-behaved children, but, like my own son and many other boys, they are either running full pedal to the metal or sleeping.”
“My SIL and MIL have the habit of constantly interjecting while driving, which is a trigger of mine. When stressed, I put on music to calm me, but when I turned it on, they all complained they didn’t like it.”
“It got to the point where they didn’t like how agitated I got while driving and took over driving the rental themselves despite me being the only registered driver on it.”
“They have the habit of asking me a question of what I think, then questioning and picking apart my answer. When I try to explain an answer preemptively, it takes too long, and they interrupt and come to their own conclusion.”
“I have ADHD. When trying to explain what ADHD means about my thought processes or memory, my wife dismisses me with, ‘Well, you’re taking medication! Shouldn’t that fix it?”
“I need time with quiet and little disruption or stimulation. I usually play a game or read a book on my Kindle app. Trying to do this, I get my extended family nagging for me to get off my phone.”
“While I did have fun and enjoyable times during many of the planned activities, I had no time to decompress or destress. It usually ended up being stressful with no time at all alone. When taking vacations with just my wife and son, I actually get decompression time.”
“I really do not want to take another vacation driving great distances with extended family again. 7 people in one vehicle that is overstuffed with luggage and constant noise—especially when I get berated for doing things to prevent myself from being bothered by it.”
“WIBTAH if I told her I would like to not take vacations like this anymore, or maybe rent two vehicles and have separate accommodations from family?”
“I understand sharing Airbnbs and a vehicle cut costs, but it came at the cost of my sanity and mental health.”
The OP later added:
“I just want to point out that my nephews are NOT harpies. They are both incredibly smart boys whose curiosity knows no bounds.”
“But seven people in one overstuffed car for hours on end did not help my stress levels. I love my nephews, but sweet Jesus, their wonder and curiosity are only exceeded by their decibel levels….”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong to skip the next trip (NTA).
“Brother, what you went on wasn’t a ‘vacation’. It was a rolling, fart-scented daycare van powered by passive aggression and the sheer willpower of your last functioning brain cell. You weren’t a tourist, you were the unpaid bus driver, cruise director, and emotional punching bag for a family caravan like out the movie ‘Mad Max’.”
“Your MIL and SIL sound like they were running live GPS commentary in your ear like a NASCAR pit crew from hell, except instead of giving you tire pressure updates they’re arguing about your music taste and dissecting your opinions like a frog in middle school science class.”
“The nephews? Harmless kids, sure, but operating at only two speeds: ‘Olympic sprinter’ and ‘coma’. Meanwhile, every time you try to touch a phone or Kindle for a scrap of peace, they swarm you like you just pulled out a briefcase full of heroin.”
“And God forbid you bring up your ADHD—your wife will treat it like a busted toaster you should’ve ‘just fixed’ by now. No quiet time, no personal space, and seven humans in one overstuffed clown car crammed tighter than the last four squares of Monopoly board before someone flips it.”
“You’re not the bad guy for wanting two cars and separate sleeping quarters next time—you’re the last sane man in a traveling asylum. Do not let them gaslight you into thinking ‘cutting costs’ is worth cutting your soul in half.”
“Tell your wife straight: Either we split the group up next time, or the only vacation I’m taking is to the couch with noise-cancelling headphones and a fake ‘out of office’ email reply.” ~ Low-Consequence376
“Speak to your wife. Send her a link to this thread because if strangers on the internet can understand this shit show of a vacation she should as well.” ~ KateNotEdwina
“If his wife cannot see it clearly without him saying it, or down playing it when he speaks, then she simply doesn’t care.”
“Both me and my husband are introverts. Me more than him, and I easily get overwhelmed. I don’t need to say anything to him for him to realize I’m not doing OK.” ~ jasemina8487
“OP, your wife is a huge a**hole for that comment about your ADHD. You would not be the a**hole for saying never again (NTA).” ~ WhatDaHeck55
“Those that don’t have ADHD can never understand how our minds work. I am 100% with you on this. I’m on meds too, but it doesn’t slow my mind down, or slow my speech.”
“Mind goes 100 mph at all times and I talk fast. Meds aren’t a cure all like ADHD doesn’t exist anymore.”
“It HELPS, but we all still have sh!t to deal with that we work thru and have to manage. And your wife still doesn’t understand after the # of years you have been with her?”
“I agree with your need for non-extended family vacations, for your own mental health. I hope your wife can see your need for that boundary, or you tell her you are going to have a solo stay-cation at home (or travel to your own place).” ~ I_love_Juneau
“You have a wife problem. If even SHE is asking if the medication should ‘fix it,’ then she doesn’t understand nor care to understand how ADHD works, and how yours works.”
“SHE should be shutting this sh*t with her family down.”
“SHE should be telling her parent and sister to back off.”
“SHE should be making sure you are allowed to go somewhere in the AirBnB to decompress.”
“SHE should have made it clear that you will play music and if they don’t like it, they are free to use headphones and listen to their own.”
“SHE should have done so many things, and SHE failed in all of it.”
“This wasn’t a vacation and I wouldn’t want to do it again either. NTA.” ~ NaryaGenesis
“NTA. Personally, I could not be with someone who refused to understand/respect my neurodiversity, but that’s just me.” ~ Fancy_Average5440
“All of this is a wife problem. She needs to believe you about things you need to function. Such as peace breaks, not being bullied, and listening to music of your choice.”
“She needs to police her family and respect your needs and ensure they do too. Driver picks the music especially since none of them volunteered at the outset.”
“Any passenger who doesn’t like the music can sit in the back with earphones and zone out. If she had protected your peace and insisted you be shown courtesy, they would have been fine.”
“No more holidays with her rude family, because she failed to get them in line. I’d go so far as to say hotels only when visiting them or they you, so you have a peaceful retreat.”
“She doesn’t have to share your need for peace, but she sure needs to believe you when you express what you need.” ~ Cardabella
“I think it’s totally fair to back out of family vacations. He doesn’t need to stop his wife and child from going, he can easily just say, ‘here’s an idea, I’ll save us money by not going. I’ll stay here at home and you go have a blast with your family’.” ~ baconbitsy
“Neither my husband nor I is neurodivergent, and we would consider it wanton cruelty to ask the other to be in a car or rental with each other’s family.”
“I took a lot of road trips growing up, and I’m good at not doing it with my own family. And that’s not including the kids.”
“Also, your wife is an a**hole for minimizing your completely valid coping mechanisms. She seems cruel to be okay with your discomfort.”
“It’s weird that she could have possibly had a good time, but seeing how stressed you were should matter to her.” ~ madempress
The OP has reassurance that they’re justified in objecting to future extended family road trips.
Now he just needs to get his wife on board.