Choosing a baby name can be complicated.
Sometimes, one or both parents have naming traditions in their families that they want to follow.
Other times, one parent loves a name that the other parent despises.
And sometimes a name doesn’t work across cultures. Maybe it’s an obscene term in another language, or maybe it will be difficult for people to pronounce.
A new mom turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback over her baby’s name.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no official voting acronyms and no final judgment given.
ExtremeCantaloupe876 asked:
“AITAH for insisting my husband calls our daughter by her given name?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“Me (30, female) and my husband (35, male) have been together for close to 5 years (married for 2) and just had our first daughter, Hana. I am from Japan, my husband is a European, and this will be important for the story.”
“Before Hana was born, my husband and I had several long discussions about names. My husband was very vocal about wanting to name our first daughter Lily, said he always loved the name, and always imagined a potential daughter named Lily.”
“I like the name, but I grew up in Japan. Due to that I’m not able to pronounce some Western sounds properly, L being one of the worst. I told my husband I feel uncomfortable about giving our daughter a name I will be unable to pronounce properly.”
“He was disappointed, and we talked about it multiple times. He suggested I could try speech therapy, which I was prickly about, because I don’t feel like I have a speech impediment. It’s the way I was raised.”
“Eventually, we agreed on the name Hana, which is also a flower name, and he seemed happy enough about it.”
“Long story short, now that all three of us are home from hospital, I caught my husband calling our daughter Lily when they’re alone. He never calls her that when other people are around, only when it’s just the two of them.”
“When I confronted him about it, he laughed and said it’s just a private nickname, and that a lot of people grow up being called by multiple names.”
“I feel that he’s needlessly confusing our infant child, and more importantly, I feel like he’s breaking our agreement when we agreed on not calling her that. I also feel a little betrayed that he’s calling her a name I’m genuinely unable to pronounce properly.”
“AITAH?”
“Am I blowing this out of proportion, or am I in the right here?”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong to want their husband to honor their agreement (NTA).
“NTA in my opinion. Here’s what it made me think of, though it might be a completely different situation. Before I was born, my mother wanted to name me one thing. Let’s say it was Anna (it wasn’t) and my dad wanted to call me Mary (also not my name).”
“Ultimately, I was named Mary. My mom decided that since he’d had such a strong opinion on naming me, it must really matter to him. He hadn’t been nearly as vocal about naming my older brother.”
“When I was in high school, it was discovered that I was named after my dad’s high school girlfriend. A woman whom he’d proposed marriage to several times after HS and who had denied his offer each time.”
“He went away to the military, came back, and in his own words, later on settled for my mother…someone who wasn’t even an adult at the time—but he was. He named me after his first love.”
“Sick right? I’d be curious to know exactly why he’s SO dead set on Lily. Just my opinion.” ~ DramaticSwimmer8819
“NTA it’s a known fact that people of Asian descent have a hard time pronouncing L’s, so the fact that her husband insisted on wanting it to be her name makes him the a**hole.” ~ No_Dance9020
“NTA. It’s weird that he’s SO DEADSET on this name. Why would he want to name your child something that you can’t pronounce? It makes me wonder if it’s an ex-lover or something.” ~ ThrowRAanoncanon
“I am a nickname person. My children and grandchildren all have nicknames, and there hasn’t been a problem. In fact, every one of my granddaughter’s grandmas (and she has plenty) calls her something different, and there are no ill effects. She owns it.”
“As long as the nickname remains a nickname, it should not be an issue. If he starts insisting others call her that, that’s a problem.”
“Now, I can also appreciate that there is a deeper element here. This was a name that was considered for your child, and it was axed for a very good reason. This isn’t a name you can easily use for her as well—it isn’t an experience you can share with your daughter.”
“Just remember, each parent will have their own special things/situations/experiences you share with your child that the other will not be able to share with her.”
“For example, my son and I sang to the radio every morning on the way to school. My wife would watch shows with him, I wouldn’t. Both experiences shaped our relationship with our kid.” ~ Sad-Command6192
“NTA, just wanted to say having a hard time pronouncing sounds from foreign languages isn’t a speech impediment! Don’t beat yourself up about it or feel bad whether you want to take language classes or not.”
“As someone who was raised speaking English, when I try to speak Japanese it sounds terrible. I don’t have a speech impediment; I just need more practice making the right sounds. I don’t feel bad about it, and neither should you!” ~ Used-Lake-8148
“NTA and this is going to be soooo confusing for your Little. I know this because I am/was that baby. Trust me when I say this is going to greatly confuse Squish.”
“My official name is Amanda, but everyone has always called me Amy. To be honest, this was so confusing when 7-year-old me found out my exact name on the first day of 2nd Grade after I to was told that I was not, in fact, ‘Amy’ because of my common last name.”
“Yes, there were two ‘Amy Xxxxx’ in Grade 2, but only one was an actual ‘Amy Xxxxx’. I’m still salty about this and I’m a grown-a** adult, many years removed from my elementary school days.”
“At least I know if someone truly knows me, they never use my official name when talking to me.”
“The worst part? My mom cannot explain WHY she and my dad called me ‘Amy’ or named me ‘Amanda’ then never called me that name. I know it was literally from birth because all the pics are listed as ‘Amy (age) and relative’s name, date’. Still salty!” ~ valouis
“My wife is Chinese and when we had our daughter we decided l would name her and my wife would give her her middle name. I told my wife her name would be Chloe which my wife pronounced Crowy. Phoebe Lin is now a doctor…” ~ Traditional-Way-2494
“I am curious why the husband is dead set on this name to the point he does not care his wife cannot pronounce it.” ~ ISmokeWinstons
“I think many of the other posters are overlooking that this isn’t a case of two people not agreeing on two otherwise inoffensive names, but a case of OP’s husband going against her express wishes to call his daughter a name that his wife cannot properly pronounce. Let’s also not forget that he agreed to the name they ended up choosing.”
“I think OP needs to have a discussion with her husband to get at whether he’s just disappointed and needs some time to come around to the name they chose—but eventually will come around to it—or whether this is him passive-aggressively exerting his will to force the name he wanted on his daughter. NTA.” ~ JosieJOK
“My friend’s EX-husband insisted on a name that turned out to be his favorite sex worker’s name.” ~ seafairydelight
“My youngest daughter’s middle name is the birth name of his mistress he had for our entire 10+ year marriage. Didn’t find out until long after the fact. Makes me sick every time I see or hear it.” ~ TacoBellPicnic
“I had a friend in high school whose first name was that of her father’s mistress. Sweet, intelligent girl, but her life turned out to be an overall dumpster fire.” ~ Rendeane
“Due to having known terrible people in my life, my brain jumped way darker. I pulled it back quick because there is little evidence of it here.”
“Though recommending speech therapy for an accent you’re fine marrying/f*cking all for the sake of a baby name seems more than rude.”
“There are people who will choose names their foreign partner can’t pronounce as a form of control and humiliation. I, too, really hope he just loves that name.” ~ CheryllLucy
An agreement is an agreement.
If OP’s husband had no intention of abiding by their agreement, he should have been honest about it.