There comes a point in everyone’s life when they need to stop relying on their parents for support.
That being said, many parents are happy to offer some (or in some cases a lot) of financial assistance to their children after they’ve flown the coop.
If only to help them stay afloat, or get on their feet till they are in a comfortable place.
However, this assistance is extremely generous and should never be expected.
Redditor OtherwiseIncident150 and her husband helped put their two oldest children through college, and were happy to do so.
However, the original poster (OP)’s youngest child had a slightly different idea of what to do after finishing high school.
While she still thought that her parents would help her financially during this time, the OP gave her a rude awakening when she refused to do so.
Wondering if she was doing the right thing, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for refusing to financially support my daughter’s “gap year” to pursue acting, when we paid for our other kids college expenses?”
The OP explained why she was unwilling to support her daughter during a transitional phase out of high school:
“I (48 F[emale]) and my husband (49 M[ale]) have three kids (23 F, 20 M, and 18 F).”
“From the beginning, my husband and I have agreed we would financially support our kids through college for tuition, rent, groceries, etc.”
“Our oldest completed her undergrad, and we covered all the expenses.”
“She is now in medical school, and we are still paying her education and living costs.”
“Our middle child is still in undergrad, and we are paying for that and plan to cover his grad school, too.”
“Our youngest has never been as into studies as my older two, and I have always done my best to support her creative hobbies like art and theater.”
“She is supposed to enter college end of September, but she is now saying she would rather defer for a year to pursue theater/acting instead.”
“She had a long conversation with us when she broke the news and made a PowerPoint explaining everything she planned to do.”
“She said she plans to move to LA for the year and promised that if things did not work out after the year, she would then go to college.”
“The thing is, she expects us to finance everything like we did with her siblings.”
“I said she could go, but we would not pay for it because we agreed to support our kids through college, which she is choosing not to attend.”
“I suggested instead that she should go to college and pursue acting on the side.”
“She said that she needs to give it her full attention for at least a year.”
“She insists that I am being unfair and showing favoritism towards her siblings because they are going the more ‘traditional way’, and that she has a plan and just needs time.”
“My oldest called and said that we have supported her through her passions and that we should do the same for our youngest, even if her path is different.”
“My husband is now leaning towards letting her go, saying, ‘What’s the harm in a year’?”
“But I feel strongly about this. LA is expensive, and I don’t want to waste money on a path that has no guaranteed return.”
“I don’t want to pay tens of thousands for something she could do on the side or later on.”
“The rest of my family, besides my husband, who is trying to remain neutral, thinks I’m the a**hole for not supporting her.”
The OP gave some additional information.
“Some extra information: my daughter is currently enrolled as a business management and economics major.”
“We already have things paid for, and they will not let her defer since it’s too late + no valid reason, so she will lose her spot and will have to reapply.”
“Her school does offer a theater arts minor, and I said she could look into that, but since the school is not known for theater, she said the gap year would be more beneficial to her.”
“Also, it is too late for her to apply for any theatre/ acting schools, so if she goes down that route, she could only join next school year.”
“Her mentioning this so late makes me think she is not serious or considerate about the money we already put in for her school.”
“She has experience in theatre.”
“We have sent her to a summer theatre program when she was in elementary school, and then to a more structured theatre class during high school.”
“She has been in the school play throughout high school.”
“Also, her theatre class had a thing where the students acted in commercials for local businesses (the commercials were only put on social media).”
“I definitely think she has talent, but there are thousands of other girls just like her fighting for a chance, and I don’t think, at this point, she has enough to stand out.”
“As for her plan, she has a few thousand TikTok followers, and she plans to focus on growing that to gain connections and exposure.”
“She showed us some local acting groups/studios that offer internships that she plans to apply for.”
“If that doesn’t work out, she mentioned joining classes or even volunteering to gain exposure.”
“She said that with all the free time, she would audition for anything and everything.”
“I feel like there is no solid plan; she just plans to throw darts and see what sticks.”
“So AITA for not paying for my daughter’s ‘gap year’.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community largely agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to support her daughter during her gap year financially.
Just about everyone agreed that the OP supporting her daughter’s living expenses was very different than paying for college tuition, and her daughter needed to realize this:
“Why not just go to college in LA and audition alongside?”
“If she needs a gap year, she needs a gap year.”
“That’s not an all expenses paid yearlong trip to LaLaLand.”
“She can live and work and study like millions of other aspiring actors.”
“I think that should be the compromise.”
“If she doesn’t want to go to school then she should go to work.”
“Actually, get some life experience because right now everything she’s ever wanted has been handed to her, and that’s a massive disservice.”
“NTA.”- Over-Banana-1098
“NTA.”
“Why can’t she go to school for acting or theater?”
“There are great programs in NYC and probably in LA too.”
“That way she can learn, network, and get a degree.”
“Some jobs just need a degree in anything.”
“She can do auditions around classes.”
“That way, you are still supporting her.”
“If she gets a big brea,k she can take a LOA to see how it works out.”- Character-Twist-1409
“NTA.”
“Your daughter should study and train for her chosen career — even ‘acting’.”
“Professional actors are skilled & talented individuals.”
“Your daughter is incredibly naive (arrogant?) if she thinks she can pop into LA and become an ‘actor’ with zero connections & training.”
“Sure, it happens occasionally, but it is not the norm.”
“Daughter needs a reality check — not coddling.”
“Let her fund it herself.”- bumbalarie
“NTA.”
“There are college degrees for acting/theatre/arts she could attend.”
“Also, to point out, LA has a high cost of living.”
“So if you were to support the gap year, it doesn’t work, then they get 4 years of paid expenses for college on top of that?”
“Seems unfair to the other kids.”- AnnoyedSpaceDust
“My parents’ rule was ‘everything was paid for so long as you were in school full time, if you’re part-time or drop out / graduate, you’re on your own’.”
“NTA unless she’s the next Meryl Streep and you’re holding her back from giving us talent on screen.”
“It’s a lot of money, LA is not cheap, and barely anyone makes it in that town so I get wanting to push education.”
“Does she have talent?”- Significant-Half-189
“I’m not really sure your 18-year-old daughter understands how expensive a gap year in LA actually is.”
“Did she include how much it would literally cost in her PowerPoint?”
“Perhaps she could spend a year at home working, saving up for a year in LA. I think that would be a fair compromise.”
“Definitely NTA.”
“You should stick to your guns.”
“The agreement was that you would pay for college.”
“A gap year is not college and offers no guarantee of tangible, transferable credits of any kind.”
“I kind of wish I had figured out how expensive college was before I spent two years at a $40,000 college in Boston back in 2005-2007.”
“At least I wisened up, transferred, and received a full boat scholarship and further support based on grades (4.0 GPA) for all remaining years of undergrad/graduate school.”
“But just to let you know, I still have $100,000 in federal student loans (fortunately, my private loans are now paid off) that I am still paying on an IBR based on those two years plus interest.”
“I’m 39.”
“If you are independently wealthy, perhaps this does not bother you, but it’s just another thing to consider when you choose to cover educational debts for your now adult children.”- runrunpuppets
College is not the answer to everything, and if the OP’s daughter wants to give it a go for her acting career, that is her decision.
However, if that is the path she decides to pursue, she will also need to learn to make her own way in life.
After all, the OP’s daughter should know that anyone whose parents pay for their college education should consider themselves lucky.