Being on at least cordial terms with your ex when you share children is the ideal situation. If new spouses enter the dynamic, common courtesy is best for the sake of the children.
But what if one spouse dislikes one of the exes?
A husband turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback over his wife’s attitude regarding his ex-wife with whom he shares children.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Able_Feedbajo ck_3045 asked:
“AITAH for asking my current wife to stop body shaming my ex-wife?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (45, male) married my 2nd wife (29, female) a few years after my ex-wife (47, female) divorced me—I met my wife after the divorce.”
“I’m thin, while current wife is on the heavier side, but my ex-wife is much heavier than her. I honestly prefer a woman to be on the heavier side.”
“My wife has referred to my ex as ‘fat’ multiple times, in a derogatory manner. I asked my wife to stop body shaming my ex, and my wife accused me of still loving my ex.”
“I love my wife, but my ex is a good person and the mother of my children. I want my wife to know I love her, but I don’t want to hear anyone insulting my ex.”
“My wife is also hurting herself when she’s body shaming someone else. She should stop also for her own sake.”
“Am I the a**hole?”
The OP later added”
“She didn’t act like this before we got married. She was very kind to my ex.”
“Plus, she has a high-paying job. She said she loves kids and wants to be a stepmom. She said she was ready for this. In every other way, she has acted very maturely.”
“My wife doesn’t talk about anyone like that, except for my ex. I know my wife is insecure about her own weight.”
“It’s hard to think of what happened to make her more insecure. I would have thought the wedding would have made her more secure.”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong to ask his wife not to insult his children’s mother (NTA).
“Your wife is insecure (likely about her weight)and probably seeking some kind of validation from you that she is thinner/more attractive/prettier-aka ‘better’ than your ex.”
“She utilizes your ex being heavier than her as a way to self validate herself and make herself feel better. While this isn’t particularly healthy behavior, it’s unfortunately common behavior.”
“I would maybe gently explain to her that she doesn’t need to tear down others to build herself up. That in the reverse situation (your ex being smaller than her) she would likely be really hurt hearing that being said about her.”
“It’s also important for her to realize that your ex is going to be in BOTH of your lives indefinitely. She is the mother of your children.”
“It will make things phenomenally better, if all 3 of you can have an amicable positive relationship with one another. I grew up in a divided household, and the relationships between the adults in my life were…volatile.”
“As an adult I married a man with an ex wife and a baby, and I went out of my way to build a good friendship with his ex, and ensure open communication and respect between everyone.”
“I love my bonus son and ‘my baby mama’ and love that he can trust any one of us to come to for help, advice, to share good or bad news, anything.” ~ breathingisstillhard
“Unfortunately, sometimes gentle doesn’t really sink in and you may have to go up a notch. She’s ignored your ‘don’t body shame her’ requests. Be prepared to keep defending if she doesn’t stop. Your children don’t deserve to be in the middle of some childish drama.”
“I definitely recommend therapy for her and couples. She’s got things she needs to work on. She knew Ex is permanent. She cannot bully her out of the way.”
“If she continues, this WILL cause problems in the marriage. Everything will be tense and resentment will build. Then she won’t need to worry about EX Wife 1 as she becomes Ex Wife 2.” ~ StupendusDeliris
“A subtle, but significant language change I’d suggest is stating your ex is your children’s mother. It shifts focus to your children instead of your relationship with your ex-wife.”
“And that’s how I’d address this with your wife. Tell her she needs to stop insulting your children’s mother because only a lousy father would allow his children to be put into a situation like that.”
“Even if it is behind your kids’ backs, it’s disrespectful to them for you to allow it to happen. If she’s going to be their stepmother, then for their sake she needs to get her issues under control.” ~ MohawMais
“My parents have been divorced for longer than they were married at this point, but my dad still won’t let people talk sh*t about my mom in front of me, even though I’m full grown adult with my own child.” ~ REDDIT
“That’s another awful thing I really hope isn’t happening. I don’t understand what kind of validation she’s looking for.”
“To her, if OP supports insulting his ex-wife it means he doesn’t love his ex, but if you don’t support it then it means he still does.”
“That’s delusional thinking at its best. NTA. The current wife needs help fast cause her insecurities might just ruin your marriage.” ~ antuanwithasix
“Tell her, ‘I’m not saying this because I love her, I’m saying this because you are being cruel and no one deserves cruelty’.” ~ SunshineInDetroit
“Ask her why she’s in competition with your EX wife ? Ask her what her insecurity is about her. Your wife needs to grow up.”
“This isn’t necessary or helpful, and I hope she never says anything derogatory in front of your kids.” ~ Emergency-Kale5033
“I mean, no offense to OP but he married someone still in their twenties and who is honestly a bit immature for being at the tail-end of her 20s and he is shocked at the immaturity level.”
“This is why you marry someone who is also middle-aged. Let the 20-somethings run around together asking each other if they’d still love one-another if they were a worm, or if they would cheat if they could cheat with a movie star, being fat and calling others fat.” ~ Meryule
“Yeah, I really don’t feel any sympathy for the dude who is 45 and married to a 29-year-old. I’ll never understand these dudes who marry women FAR younger than them and then are shocked by the maturity gap. I guess they only like the maturity gap when it benefits them.” ~ suhhhrena
“For real, she’s almost 30 acting like this! Insane work.”
“I think she believes she’s an upgrade, especially considering how much younger she is than her ex-wife. Sounds like new wife isn’t the thinnest, so she’s found someone who’s heavier than her that she can bully.”
“Tell her she’s being extremely insecure, maybe you can figure out why.”
“But yes, if she’s saying this in front of the kids, it needs to be squashed. You need to make it clear to your kids that talking about their mother like that isn’t okay, and you will not allow this even if it’s from your current wife. NTA.” ~ BakersHigh
“You are NTA, but your current wife sure is. I’m petty and would say something along the lines of ‘that body you’re shaming brought my children into this world, what is your excuse?’ But I doubt that’ll go over well.” ~ jessesgirlstaciesmom
“Your current wife sounds immature. She needs to understand that she should be thankful that her predecessor is a good person and mother to OP’s children that she deserves this level of respect from OP. Wouldn’t she want to be treated with respect if the tables were turnt? NTA.” ~ SmellOne406
“People like her often think that they’d never end up in that position of being divorced. She’s the newer, younger wife, so she obviously thinks the ex is undesirable, else she wouldn’t give a toss about her appearance.”
“She’s trying to make herself out to be the hotter upgrade and is mad that OP won’t also fluff her ego.”
“If she’s trashing his ex in front of the ex’s children, she can likely kiss goodbye to having a good relationship with them, too.” ~ ChoreomaniacCat
“You don’t have to love your ex to be on good terms and defending her when she’s body shamed. And your wife doesn’t have to be best friends with your ex to at least respect that you have a history with her and children.”
“Just because things didn’t work out, doesn’t mean you have to be enemies. But your wife sounds really insecure if she feels a need to be rude about your ex.” ~ TitleKind3932
“Your wife is an AH. She has no business talking about body of mother of your children and woman nearly two decades senior to her.”
“Also this could negatively impact your relationship with your kids if you let her. Maybe you should have married an adult instead of a child.” ~ Few_Aardvark6159
The OP provided a minor update:
“My wife would probably benefit from therapy. I’m going to suggest she get support for how she’s feeling because my reassurances aren’t helping her, but for the sake of my children, I can’t tolerate nasty comments about their mother.”
“I’ll do gentle first, but I will uphold if needed.”
“She may get mad, but maybe she wouldn’t. She has a very pro-therapy mindset, so she doesn’t harbor any stigma against therapy.”
Hopefully, this approach works for the OP.