Sexual compatibility is something many couples view as integral to a successful relationship. But is incompatibility a reason to end a marriage?
A husband getting pushback on his decision to divorce his wife turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Throwra-sexofftable asked:
“So I told my wife that our marriage isn’t the right fit for me anymore when she took sex off the table. AITAH?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (38, male) have a high libido, and my wife (36, female) has a low one. We’ve been in a dead bedroom for about 4 years now, and we have kids together.”
“She recently told me she wants me to go to individual therapy to stop making her responsible for my sexual needs. She said she wanted to stop discussing sex because every time that would trigger her guilt and shame.”
“I’ve tried my best to communicate over the years, but as soon as she said that phrase, I’ve had a deep realization that I’ve had it all wrong. Of course, I don’t want to have sex that isn’t fully consensual.”
“But I think by constantly talking to her about it, asking for more effort in the bedroom, initiative and playfulness in our day to day interactions, I had made her feel responsible for my happiness.”
“I still am struggling to understand, because when I promised to forsake all others, I thought I was choosing to be in a relationship where my partner would proactively want to meet my relationship needs—not out of responsibility or duty, but because we were in tune with each other.”
“I thought we shared the same values when it comes to intimacy and had the same desires so that it wouldn’t be a chore. The truth is, I still have those needs, and she doesn’t and that’s okay.”
“She’s not wrong for being where she is. But it also means this relationship is no longer the right fit for me. And I don’t think I owe it to the marriage to keep depriving myself of something that makes me feel loved and alive.”
“We are in couples therapy, and she proposed taking sex entirely off the table so we can focus our energies elsewhere while I wait for her to regain her sex drive which she mentioned isn’t a guarantee. She says she loves me and loves our partnership as best friends and parents, and partners in the romantic sense, but she says sex is off the table.”
“So after a few days of just mulling over, I told her that I thank her for being honest with me. I said you’re not responsible for my needs, but I owe it to myself to be in a relationship where those needs are met. And if that’s not possible with you anymore, then this marriage just isn’t the right fit for me.”
“I also said I am grateful to her for being honest about why sex is off the table, because it gives me time to plan things out. We have a prenup and we’ve both worked hard to build our wealth together.”
“It’s scary, and I know that separating might mean losing active access to my kids 50% of the time. But I’ll be fine.”
“The fault isn’t hers. But it’s also true that she’s stopped being the person I can feel happy and fulfilled with.”
“She has taken this extremely badly. She has made all sorts of assumptions about me, and demands an answer as to why I wasn’t ‘curious’ about her thought process behind what she wants us to do.”
“She said that I blindsided her. But honestly I am not angry with her anymore. She takes an issue with the language I used, but I don’t see how?”
“She has mentioned she doesn’t want the blame and responsibility for my relationship needs not being met, and I thought: isn’t this exactly what I was doing? I took upon the responsibility of all the choices I made, and sadly, that included choosing her.”
“She’s been acting defensive and angry, even when it comes to discussing kids and not our relationship. Part of me thinks she isn’t as mature as she makes herself sound.”
The OP later added:
“I saw a lot of comments wishing for my financial ruin and lots of comments about child support. Honestly, if that’s the only verbal weapon you’ve got to make someone feel small, I truly feel sorry for you.”
“Not all divorces lead to financial ruin, and for context, we are both business owners (via both sets of parents), so things are going to be fine since there’s not going to be child support.”
“If anything, it would be from her (if we truly go 50-50) because her business is slightly more profitable than mine.”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was
“If you check out the dead bedroom subreddit, you’ll see that your attitude is likely the best for your future co-parenting relationship. It’s shocking how bad it can get.”
“People get bitter and isolated and really start hating each other. The only people who seem to recover in any small way are those who both accept this is a problem with their marriage that they are both tackling together.”
“If the low libido person decides it’s the other person’s problem, or they should work on it separately, it’s over. Then it’s just a question of how much misery they suffer before calling it.”
“She might benefit from reading what the experience is like for others in your situation. But she’s not an a**hole for wanting to stop feeling bad about a feeling she can’t manufacture, and you’re not an a**hole for wanting sex in your relationship. NAH.” ~ NinjaHidingintheOpen
“I don’t blame the wife; it may be the case that she is asexual straight up. At the end of the day, some couples work phenomenally in every other way except in the bedroom, and that’s enough to be a dealbreaker sucks, but such is life.” ~ PenguinSebs
“It’s his wife’s reaction that makes her an a**hole. They’re in counseling because his needs aren’t being met.”
“She made the unilateral decision to say that she refuses to meet his needs and won’t guarantee that she ever will, at which point he says that divorce is probably best, and then she starts calling him names and acting like he’s the bad guy.”
“That she doesn’t want sex is fine, that she’s not willing to accept the consequences is not, and there’s a chance she’ll decide to find another guy to have sex with once she’s all alone again.” ~ DevilGuy
“My ex-husband and I didn’t have sex for the last 4 or 5 years of our marriage. It was awful. I felt unwanted, unsexy, and ended up developing serious self-esteem issues. It was part of why we split up.”
“I commend OP for not only being honest with his wife, but for being so gentle in his delivery of the news. Sure, she may feel bad in the moment, but she will eventually be relieved of the pressure she feels to put out to him.” ~ kittycatalina1610
“That the marriage is over is no one’s fault. I can feel the wife; I have zero libido as well. My husband, thank Jebus, understands. He has his own sh*t to deal with health-wise. But his drive is sky high.”
“We found middle ground. It wouldn’t work for most, but it suits us fine. But. If he woke up tomorrow and said, ‘babe, the sex ain’t sexing and it’s too much. My needs aren’t being met and I’m not happy, maybe we should give up the ghost,’ I would be hurt, absolutely devastated, but I couldn’t fault him or me.”
“I couldn’t blame him, and I damn sure couldn’t get mad. He is at least seeing it from her side, is understanding, isn’t mad, and doesn’t blame her. She’s the one who changed the rules. She can’t get mad he doesn’t wanna play by the new rules.” ~ HeyPrettyLadyMaam
“You don’t get to decide for someone else. No one has a right to the other partner’s body, and this includes choosing celibacy for them.” ~ 10000nails
“NTA. You’re incompatible, simple as that. You’ll just have to be friends if she’s willing to accept that but if you’re unhappy with not having your needs met then it is what it is. How you explain this to your kids and continue to be a present father is something yall will need to work out though.” ~ Prestigious-Dare-802
“You are in a pretty common situation usually referred to as a sexual stalemate. You feel connected when you have sex, she needs to feel connected to enjoy sex, your high libido leaves her feeling objectified, her body freezes up with affection because she can’t say no without risking more withdrawal, you withdraw, her fear that you only love her for sex is confirmed, resentment builds on both sides.”
“This is super common, and also fixable if both people are committed to fixing it.”
“Pretty common advice for this is to take sex off the table for a while and work on other areas or intimacy. A cuddle can just be a cuddle. A date can just be a date. The body can practice relaxing. It’s a way to detox from the disappointment-shame spiral you’re both living in.”
“Or you could say ‘cool suggestion, I think we’re done here’.” ~ yikesmysexlife
While not everyone will agree with the OP’s decision, ultimately, he’s the one who needs to live with the consequences.
If he’s unhappy and sees no path forward, maybe it’s best to end things.