Bringing a baby home is a moment of immeasurable joy.
The first few weeks, or even months, of parenthood, however, will also be among the most exhausting of any new parent's life.
And nothing can truly prepare you for how all encompassing parenthood truly is.
The brother of Redditor builtfordrama recently welcomed a new baby with his wife.
When visiting their brother, sister-in-law (SIL) and their new baby, the original poster (OP) was more than a little shocked by the condition of their home, as well as the behavior of the OP's SIL.
Resulting in the OP confronting her about it.
Fearing they might have overstepped, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for telling my brother's wife that being a stay at home mom doesn't mean being a stay in bed mom?"
The OP explained why they felt compelled to confront their SIL:
"My brother 27 M[ale] and his wife 25 F[emale] have a 5 month old baby."
"He works for long hours while she stays in home to take care of their baby and I live about 10 minutes away from them and drop by sometimes to help."
"But lately every time I go there she's in bed scrolling on her phone or saying she needs a break."
"The house is a mess, bottles everywhere, laundry not done, dishes in the sink, baby crying most of the time."
"Last weekend my brother called me saying he was losing it."
"When I got there he was trying to cook dinner with one hand and holding the baby with the other."
"His wife was literally in bed watching Netflix."
"I ended up feeding the baby, cleaning up a bit and helping him calm things down while she stayed in bed the whole time."
"After that I went to her and asked if she was okay and she replied 'yeah a bit exhausted'."
"I can understand that being a new mom is rough for people but my brother works 40-50 hours a week and still helps with the baby so I lost my cool and said 'Being in home doesn't mean that you always have to be in the bed scrolling and watching tv shows'."
"She started to cry and complained to my brother."
"Now he is mad at me for hurting her."
"I literally don't have anything against her I just felt bad for him doing everything by himself and he is still mad at me for that."
"AITA? to say these things to her just because I wanted to help my brother?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The OP found little to no support from the Reddit community, who largely believed that the OP was, indeed, the a**hole for confronting their SIL.
Everyone agreed that the behavior of the OP seemed to be postpartum depression, and rather than scold and confront her, they should have stepped up and offered to help her. Many pointed out how the OP's brother wasn't "helping" with the baby, but was the baby's parent, and was doing the bare minimum:
"Firstly, stop looking at it like your brother is 'helping' her."
"That's his kid; if he were a single parent, he would be doing it all, not helping."
"If her behavior has always been like this, then I kind of sit on the fence because sometimes people need a wake-up call, like you're now a parent, lift your game!"
"If this behavior has only started since having the baby, then YTA, it should be obvious that something is going on, it could be PND or something physical causing no energy."
"Lack of sleep can beat your body up."- Few_Step_7444
"YTA."
"For the phrasing 'and he still helps with baby,' like yah his own baby?"
"I get not doing the bulk of household chores after working, but childcare is not the same as housekeeping."
"I echo comments here that she needs to see a doctor- it isn't good for baby to have limited interaction."
"You should have come from a place of concern, not from 'losing it' for your brother."
"I think people sometimes forget that his wife is is family now in a way that you are not."
"He will choose (and rightfully) her over you."- PracticalComputer183
"YTA."
"When my kids were babies, I had never been more exhausted in my whole life."
"It was like I was in a fog for the first nine months of their life."
"And I'm going to be so real, even though I was putting so much energy into being a mom and keeping my babies alive, my house was a hot mess."
"It's hard to do dishes one-handed."
"It's hard to vacuum one-handed. I still tried to do all of the things, but it just took longer and was harder."
"Sometimes my babies were chill, but often, they didn't want to be put down."
"It felt like I was holding my babies 24/7 sometimes."
"And that's not taking into account PPD, which is a very real possibility."- Piano-mom
"YTA."
"The baby is only five months old."
"She might be up all night feeding baby/ comforting baby."
"She may still be physically and hormonally recovering."
"She may have PPD."
"She's in survival mode right now and your judgment on the state of their house is not helpful."
"It takes a village and if your brother is away from home so much then she's going to struggle on her own."
"Give her a break."- Goodbyecaution
"YTA."
"It wasn't your place to say anything at all."
"She's a new mom dealing with hormone swings, sleepless nights and possibly PPD."
"If you really needed to say something, you should have been kind and curious instead of nasty and accusatory."
"Also, what you said was very bratty but not particularly clever."
"How old are you, out of curiosity?"- ahsmabaar_thegardner
"YTA."
"This screams that she has postpartum depression."
"I get everyone else's frustration but did anyone stop and think about this?"
"Honestly it was not this person's place to say what they said."
"Is she a bad mother?"
"Maybe, but how about trying to weed out any other medical reasons before dunking on her."
"Talk to bro, not SIL."- Kairiste
"YTA."
"Your brother's long hours are your SIL's long hours as the sole caretaker of an infant, and at 5 months her body is probably still recovering."- Four_beastlings
"YTA."
"This is an absolute screaming sign of PPD."
"And this isn't some super secret only PPD symptom, it's one of the most common visual symptoms of depression."
"She's in crisis."
"Get her help or get out of the way so someone else can."- ABelleWriter
"YTA."
'"still helps with the baby' is the golden tip I was looking for."
"Helps with the baby, not raises his own child, of course."
"Either be the help, get her help or leave this woman alone."
"Your brother asked you to help him manage the household....not his wife."
"You made the decision to do this because I think you find your brother taking on the majority of household chores 'displacing' for you."
"You don't care about the baby, and you don't care about her."
"Only your brother!"
"How is this going to help your brother anyway?"
"Now his wife will be doubting herself more, and far more insecure about her role as a mother and wife which is what all new mothers need?"
"And of course, if she is suffering from exhaustion, we know a good old-fashioned dressing down is what will restore her strength."
"How daft!"
"You sound young, so you're going to learn this the hard way, but people always remember who kicked them when they were down."
"You keep that in mind going forward."
"We don't want you back here complaining about not being invited to a 1st birthday party or mad because you weren't invited to meet the 2nd baby."- SheLikesToWatch_1989
"YTA."
"Your brother SHOULD be helping with HIS BABY after work."
"You said something rude and demeaning to your sister-in-law at a very vulnerable time."
"How cruel."
"You should check yourself and apologize."- ElkIslandAgateHunter
"YTA."
"Whatever is happening with her, you were rude, and that comment was unnecessary."
"Your brother needed help and you only made it worse for him."- johjo_has_opinions
"YTA."
"You could have come to her from a supportive place, and instead you admonished her."
"If you have nothing helpful to sa,y then mind your own business."
"And btw, when your brother comes home from work, of course he should be minding his child."
"She's had the baby all day and is clearly struggling."- OzQuandry
One has to wonder how many times the OP has visited a home with a new baby in it.
As most of them are anything but pristinely clean, owing to parental exhaustion.
More often than not, if their houses are clean, it's likely owing to help from grandparents, aunts, uncles, and friends. Help that the OP could have provided to their SIL, instead of criticizing her.
It's safe to say the OP will think back on their behavior with embarrassment should they ever have children of their own.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp