Not everyone is lucky enough to grow up with a loving family.
Some children grow up barely knowing one of their parents, sometimes not knowing them at all.
However, it’s also not uncommon for these fleeing parents to grow to regret their decisions, and make an effort to rekindle their relationships with their children.
Whether these children are willing to forgive and forget, however, is never guaranteed.
Redditor Upset_Car_5609 grew up most of her life without knowing her father.
Much to the original poster (OP)’s surprise, her father reached out to her in adulthood, and the two found themselves having a happy and healthy relationship.
So much so that the OP even wanted her father to walk her down the aisle at her wedding.
When the rest of her family threatened to boycott her wedding if she went through with this, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**Hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for telling my family they need to get over my father walking me down on my wedding day and I am not uninviting him.”
The OP explained why her family threatened to skip her wedding:
“My father was absent for most of my childhood.”
“I am the second oldest and he split when I was around 7 years olds.”
“I have three other siblings (my older brother, my younger brother and my youngest sister).”
“Growing up, everyone in the family hated him (that includes me), especially my mother and youngest sister.”
“My mother was not the best parent; she would be very verbally cruel.”
“My trust in her is also gone due to her lying habit.”
“My father reached out to me when I turned 18 to get coffee.”
“He apologized to me and wanted a fresh start.”
“I was hesitant at the beginning, but decided to forgive and move on.”
“He reached out to the other kids when they turned 1,8 and they wanted nothing to do with him.”
“That’s their choice and right.”
“He did explain why he left my mother, and I confirmed it with her.”
“I am now 28 and I don’t regret it at all, he has been a huge help and support to me over the years.”
“My relationship with my mother has been getting worse over the years, especially since she hates my husband to be (she is very religious and he is not).”
“This is my problem, I invited my dad to walk me down my wedding.”
“I want him at my wedding and to be a part of it.”
“My siblings and my mom are pissed.”
“They told me that if I do this, they will not come to my wedding.”
“They want him uninvited from the wedding and that my mom should walk me down.”
“I told them no.”
“It resulted in an argument.”
“I told them they need to get over it, and I am not inviting him.”
“They said they will not come, and I told them that was fine.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community generally agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for not disinviting her father to her wedding.
Everyone agreed that, as this was the OP’s wedding, she had the final say as to who could and couldn’t come, with others pointing out that, as the OP doesn’t get along with most of her family, and her mother hates her fiancé, they likely wouldn’t be missed:
“He’s reaching out as each child turns 18.”
“That’s a very specific pattern that says more about mom than dad.”
“NTA.”
“Your wedding, your plan, your rules.”- Scouthawkk
“NTA, it’s your wedding, you can invite who you want as a guest.”
“That being sai,d your dad disappeared while you all were kids, left you with a parent that was unqualified by your description, & waited until you all were of legal age/past child support to reach out & try to be present.”
“That kind of behavior often rubs ppl the wrong way, especially if they feel they had to step into the gap to help support your mom & her kids in any way above & beyond what would normally be expected.”
“To be clear, both your parents suck, AND you can invite whoever you like.”
“What you can’t do is make other ppl be comfortable with or accept someone they don’t like.”
“And what you should do if you haven’t already is pursue counseling to ensure your marriage has a strong foundation & you’ve worked through the baggage your parents have left you before you opt to have a family of your own.”
“Congrats on your engagement & I hope you & your fiancé have a lovely day.”- 2tiredforthis
“My step dad of 18 years bailed overnight, on me and my daughter, but my step sister is still my sister, and we’re very close.”
“She obviously still talks to her dad lol at her wedding and any other events I’m going to suck it up and be civil, and your siblings need to do the same.”
“NTA at all.”- labyrinth08
“NTA.”
“You rebuilt a relationship with him, you are allowed to enjoy the results.”- BuzzySwarm
“NTA.”
“Not only is your wedding = your rules and guests, but also it’s only your personal choice if you want to forgive your father and keep him in your life or not.”
“Neither your mother nor siblings have any say on the matter.”- Enuya95
“If they don’t come, they don’t come.”
“Stick with your choice.”
“NTA.”- Objective_Air8976
“It’s your wedding.”
“You’re the only person (besides your fiancé) who gets to decide who’s there and has what role in it.”
“Just understand that if you do this, you’ll be damaging your relationship with your other family (though in your mom’s case, that sounds like it might not be the worst thing, given how she’s been to you and your fiancé in the past.)”
“Sometimes we end up in these rock/hard place scenarios, and there’s no help for it.”
“NTA.”- Tiny-Ant-7917
“NTA.”
“It’s your wedding, and they should respect your choice in the matter.”
“It’s literally not about them.”- Jovon35
“NTA.”
“I think maybe explicitly saying to them that you absolutely understand why they feel the way they do, and they are entitled to their feelings, may go a ways to keeping a relationship after the wedding.”
“At least they’ll feel heard so maybe their behavior will adjust.”
“There’s going to be other milestones in your life where you’ll invite all of them, but in between, just keep your relationship with your father to yourself and husband.”- Slw202
“NTA.”
“Every child has a different relationship with their parents you don’t get to tell others what their relationship should look like.”- Brefailslife420
“NTA.”
“But you knew that.”
“Stick to your guns.”
“Don’t let others decide who should or should not be at your wedding or part of it.”
“It’s YOUR wedding.”- Mysterious_Battle585
“NTA.”
“It’s your wedding.”
“It will suck that they won’t come, but that is a choice they are making.”- Fuglier1
There were some, however, who understood why the OP’s family wouldn’t come to her wedding if her father was there, even they still felt it was a valid decision to invite him to walk her down the aisle:
“NAH.”
“You’ve made a decision about your wedding that they are (understandably) not comfortable with and they have declined the invitation.”
“Be aware, thoug,h that this is you choosing your father over the rest of your family, which will undoubtedly lead to bad feelings.”- ResolveResident118
“NAH, except your parents.”
“Your dad is a lazy deadbeat who did not care to exert any effort to keep his children in his life and completely avoided the hard work of parenting.”
“He could have taken your mom to court for custody, and he didn’t.”
“Your mom obviously is a terrible parent and wife for lying and cheating and not treating you well in childhood.”
“I can’t fault your siblings, though, and it is their choice not be at an event where a man who caused them a lot of pain and emotional turmoil will be honored.”
“I also can’t fault you for wanting what you want on a very important day in your life.”
“Personally, if I were your sibling, I would not show up.”
“As a guest, I will be there with bells on because I love love love messy weddings.”- treetops579
“NAH.”
“OP has a right to forgive his father and want him at his wedding, even in a prominent role.”
“But I can totally see why the three siblings are pissed at him and don’t want to see him.”
“He was even longer away from the two younger siblings than the 11 years he missed of OP’s childhood.”
“So they are not AH for not wanting to be in his presence.”
“The mother has no obligation to go to the wedding either, if she is so against her ex.”
“Not sure if she has the same good reasons to hate the father, though, as she allegedly cheated on him for years, and that is why he left.”
“But as the source is seemingly only the father, who knows if that is the truth or if it might have been even an overall toxic marriage where both partners acted badly.”
“All four siblings are NTA.”
“With the mother, it is a bit more complicated.”- opelan
It was the OP’s choice to forgive her father, just as it was the rest of her family’s choice not to.
If that is their wish, then attending the OP’s wedding would seem to be out of the question.
However, seeing as the OP’s father is making an effort to be a loving and present figure in the OP’s life right now, far more than the rest of her family, one imagines the OP is more than happy with this arrangement.