Generally speaking, everyone should perform the job they are paid to do, even if they don't exactly like the way things are being run or who's in charge.
Tempting as it might be to quit, if we had signed a contract of employment, doing so would likely get us into more trouble than it would be worth.
When people demand we work jobs we're fired from or quit, that's an entirely different story.
Redditor BlacksmithThink5923's family business was hired for an event.
Unfortunately, an altercation involving the police ended up causing problems at this event.
Leading one of the original poster (OP)'s supervisors to accuse them of "ruining" this event and firing them.
Much to the OP's surprise, however, this same supervisor called expecting them to show up at this event regardless, which the OP refused to do.
Having some doubts about their decision, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole Here" (AITH).
Unlike the similar "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA) subReddit, AITAH allows Redditors to ask for advice on issues that are not permitted on AITA, such as asking for advice or posting about ending relationships. Nor are voting acronyms required or a final judgment declared.
The OP asked fellow Redditors:
"AITAH for ruining a wedding?"
The OP explained why they refused to show up for a wedding they were hired to cater:
"My wife and I own a catering company."
"Our oldest son is fifteen and helps a lot with events."
"He's autistic, but he's very capable when he's accommodated."
"We were contracted to cater a rehearsal dinner and a wedding."
"The rehearsal dinner was obviously much smaller than the wedding."
"With me, my wife and our oldest, we could pull the whole thing off without using any employees and save a chunk of change."
"The wedding planner also hired a bartender to make drinks, as we don't offer that service."
"Our son was setting up the tables and chairs while my wife and I were unloading the food."
"The bartender asked my son to help him unload some boxes of wine, and my son said no."
"The bartender offered to tip him, and my son said that he can't touch alcohol."
"The bartender told him he was being difficult, and my son started ignoring him, because that's how he responds to stress."
"The bartender tried to talk to him, and when my son continued to ignore him, he grabbed my son by the shoulder and shook him."
"My son ran to me and told me what happened."
"I called the police."
"The bartender started arguing with me."
"I kept telling him to wait for the police to arrive."
"My son went to my wife."
"When the bartender found out my son was fifteen he got nervous and left before the police arrived."
"After the deputy showed up and while I was talking to him the wedding planner showed up to ask what was going on."
"I asked her to wait while I finished talking to the deputy."
"My wife and son had gone back to setting up after the bartender left."
"The wedding planner demanded I talk to her and tell her why the police were present."
"The deputy told her she had to wait."
"She stood by and listened to our conversation."
"I told the deputy what happened."
"He said since he didn't witness anything he couldn't do anything, but to call him if the bartender returned."
"When the deputy left the wedding planner called the bartender to ask him to come back."
"He said he wouldn't come back because he was worried I'd call the cops again."
"Ultimately the rehearsal dinner had great food but no alcohol."
"The wedding planner asked us to serve at least the wine and beer the bartender had brought but we refused because A) we don't offer that service B) we aren't licensed to do that and C) that stuff didn't belong to us."
"After the dinner the wedding planner went off on us."
"She said we ruined the event and that we were fired."
"I clarified with her that she didn't want us to show up to the wedding venue and cater the wedding (which was the next day)."
"She said she didn't."
"I said okay."
"We left."
"My son actually filmed our conversation, and I watched it when we got home, and she was very clear."
"At four AM she called us to talk about the wedding."
"I reminded her she fired us."
"She said we were already paid, so we had to show up anyway."
"I said she fired us."
"She said if we didn't show up she would sue."
"I told her to sue."
"I also told her I had her on video firing us."
"We did not cater the wedding."
"I heard from the DJ that they ended up ordering pizza."
"The bride was apparently screamed at the wedding planner for half an hour about it."
"I actually feel a little bad, because the bride didn't do anything."
"Maybe I was being petty and should have showed up anyway."
"We did not return any money (as per our contract) and we ate or donated the food that had already been prepared."
"I know legally I did nothing wrong, but I feel like a bit of a d*ck."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in, with some using the voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
While some applauded the OP for standing up for their son and felt they were justified in not going to the wedding, others felt the OP unnecessarily escalated the situation by calling the police, and may have been in breach of contract:
"Ok so I'll be slightly different here."
"I'm saying this as an attorney who has a practice that includes small business consulting."
"First, please try to avoid using your son as an employee where others might need to be the one providing the accommodations."
"I respect you trying to save money as well as employ him, but you said he needs accommodations."
"That could cause issues."
"It did with communication here."
"The bartender was wrong."
"Full stop on this issue."
"But do not open yourself to problems in the future."
"Second, go back and check who signed your contract - the wedding planner or the wedding party."
"If the wedding planner hired you, then you are in the clear. If the bride and groom signed, you are in a world of legal hurt."
"You needed to be terminated by them - not the planner."
"By now not showing, you breached the contract."
"If the bride and groom signed the contract, not only are you legally wrong, but then YTA."-PokerLawyer75
"ESH."
"Your son was right not to touch the alcohol, but you are absolutely the AH for going straight to the police."
"You should have gone to the wedding planner first, and demanded that the dude be replaced ASAP or you'd call the police for assault."
"You knew damn well the police would do jack, and you escalated anyway without going to the logical person who was coordinating everything, and you screwed the wedding planner AND THE COUPLE over."
"It's on the wedding planner, too, for her poor management of this conflict."
"It was really dumb and unprofessional of her to basically fire you without the intention of following through."
"You are also petty AF for bailing on the wedding day."
"You screwed over the couple because of your beef with the planner, and if your contract was with them you might even be liable for it."
"All of you, caterers, bartenders, and wedding planners, are extremely unprofessional, and you ruined a couple's wedding because of it."
That day is not something they can replicate, and it probably cost them thousands.
"Shame on you, I wouldn't be surprised if all of you either got sued or at least got your collective butts dragged all over the internet."- ExcellentCold7354
"I guess I don't understand why it had to escalate so quickly."
"It chips away at your professionalism, and it completely affected the hopefully concerning lifetime event."
"Perhaps on paper you technically didn't do anything wrong, but you missed out on exercising your humanity a bit."
"Stand up for your son?"
"Check Take it a step too far?"
"Check Ruin a wedding?"
"Check. Take the high road?"
"Nope Remain professional?"
"Nope Exercise grace?"
"Nope."
"If you feel like a d*** take the opportunity to do better in the future."
"Poke around the internet and read up on ways to diffuse situations, people, interactions."
"What would you have wanted if your wedding had been interrupted by the same exact situation?"
"How would that feel, being the groom and not the caterer in that situation?"
"Would you be an understanding groom?"
"Would you want your caterer to do better or differently?"
"It also could be a time to fine-tune how your son is a part of your catering business."
"Lots of people have to be told what to do in situations they have no experience with."
"In the future, maybe pulling aside other professionals at an event like a bartender and letting them know my son is my employee, and if you need anything from him, to go through you or your wife, vs just talking to your son."
"There is nothing wrong and everything right with standing up for your son, but why did the reaction have to be so extreme?"
"It could have been a learning moment for that bartender, instead the bartender's gig was lost due to his fear of being arrested (again, why so extreme?) the whole thing is sour grapes."
"It really is."- Old-Study-9362
It was certainly wrong of the bartender to physically handle the OP's son.
However, while any parent's first concern is the safety and well-being of their child, was this a situation where the police were necessary, rather than just reporting him to the wedding planner?
And even if the wedding planner verbally fired them, since they had already been paid, shouldn't they have still provided the service they paid for?
Possibly questions for the law to ultimately decide.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp