Planning a party can be a ton of fun.
Even though there is so much plotting and figuring out, throwing together a lavish event can be almost as fun as the event itself.
However, one of the stressful parts of party planning is dealing with the budget.
The money has to come from somewhere.
Finding it can take the air out of the balloons.
Redditor GlimmerElsewhere wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for telling my friend that I won't be paying $25 to attend her birthday party?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My (F[emale] 22) friend (F 22) is turning 23 this year."
"She has not had a birthday party in a few years because her birthday falls on the week of Thanksgiving, and when she tried to have one for her 18th birthday party, only 5 people showed up, and that's not including her immediate family, when she invited multiple friends, provided catering, and the food with money from her own pocket."
"She has since dropped certain friends for their behavior towards her. "
"They were pretty valid reasons, though not important to this."
"She has a new friend group that treats her great and shows up to hang out, are there when things are tough, or there is an emergency in her life."
"I have been her friend since we were both 13."
"For this year, even though it's not a significant birthday, it's a new beginning for her, and she says it feels like a 'rebirth' in a way, and a weight has been lifted off her shoulder, so she wants to go all out with this birthday. "
"Catering from her favorite place, her favorite performer who offers to perform at events, decorations, etc."
"When she told me about this, I was supportive and told her she should do it!"
"Until she told me roughly how much this party would cost her."
"The performer's fee alone would be $605, and then the catering would be around $100-$200 if she invited 25-30 people as she planned."
"And then the decorations, she said she would be using some that she had at home already, or D[o]-I[t]-Y[ourself]ing them with her family."
"She wants it to be Little Mermaid themed since she recently made a cosplay of her favorite character, Melody from the sequels, and she wanted to wear that for the party."
"She would be spending about $1000 for this entire event herself."
"I already know it because when she throws a party, she throws a PARTY!"
"Even though no one showed up to the last one she hosted for herself, it was AMAZING!"
"Now… she wants to have people pay her $25 to RSVP so that she could use that money to pay the live performer and take off the major weight of what she'd be paying for the event."
"She asked me what I thought, and I told her, 'that's the stupidest sh*t I've ever heard.'"
"She knows how blunt I am and has told me before, 'if I'm being stupid, call me out on it.'"
"So that's what I did."
"No one that I know in our friend group is going to pay $25 to go to a birthday party they were invited to. "
"If I'm invited to a birthday party, then I should go for free and use my money to buy her a gift."
"Not using that money to pay for entertainment that is supposed to be for everyone to enjoy."
"She called me a bi*ch and told me to leave before she said something else she'd regret later on."
"Since I'm so close to her family, her mother texted me saying that 'whatever I said to her was really hurtful,' and that she's been upset since I left, and that I should apologize."
"She asked me a question, and I simply answered with my opinion."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP WAS the A**hole.
"Gentle YTA for how you worded and reacted."
"It took me two minutes to spin this into 'in lieu of gifts, please consider giving $25 to help cover expenses.'"
"You didn't give her any advice and instead bashed her on her idea." ~ Wild_Share_9190
"Gentle YTA, the idea wasn't the issue; your delivery was." ~ coldcoffeeuwu
"You aren't being invited to like a dinner, you are being invited to a catered event with an entertainer."
"Paying 25 dollars for her to have this experience she wants IS the present she wants."
"You'd rather have the birthday person out 1000 dollars and have 30 knick-knacks?"
"It doesn't seem like you are being a very supportive friend, since the amount of money itself isn't the issue, but you will only support her if it is within a very prescribed routine way. YTA." ~ Jakyland
"Yeah, OP and others aren't thinking this through at all."
"I don't know, getting older, I usually do trips with friends or something instead of wanting or expecting gifts."
"I plan an overnight, and we split it 5, 6 ways or whatever."
"Much better than a bunch of random things I may not need." ~ Cudi_buddy
"Yup! Went on a birthday trip with a close friend recently. paid for my flight and accommodations, and she handled the rest (within reason— I was still buying most of my own meals, etc)."
"That said, I did not get her a gift. "
"The gift was the experience."
"To me, this is part of being an adult. OP had every right to say 'hey, that doesn't work for me, and if it's required, I won't be able to come,' but being so mean about a friend running an idea by them… YTA." ~ sweetbabyjosi
"This is the best response - giving her money toward something she really wants, which just happens to be a birthday experience, is wonderful as a gift."
"When people buy you gifts that they specifically want to buy you instead of whatever you asked for, then they're kind of buying for themselves, not for the person." ~ iamwomanhearmesnore
"This sounds like one of the cheapest birthdays to lay for, and it absolutely shouldn't be."
"People didn't come to the last one she threw, and the poor girl is willing to try it again and just ask for some money to help subsidize."
"If I knew I was getting food and entertainment, even in my 20s, I would pay that $25 in a heartbeat."
"That's less than the cost of most dinners (especially if everybody pitches in to pay for the birthday person)." ~ heyitsta12
"YTA, there is blunt, and being an AH, you chose the latter."
As to the issue, if she is asking for $25 instead of bringing a present, that's not unreasonable." ~ Lumi020323
"Honestly, this would be absolutely wonderful."
"It is often very ambiguous for adults what is expected of the attendee at a birthday party."
"This perfectly clarifies it and takes any pressure off about whether you should bring a gift, how much you should spend on it, etc."
"$25 is less than you would spend on pretty much anything right now." ~ consider_its_tree
"She's all in for putting out a grand for her own party."
"She invites her friends to share what she feels is a pivotal time in her life, with her."
"All she asks in return is $25."
"You tell her it's a stupid idea."
"That was her birthday wish."
"Sorry, YTA." ~ The_Emo_Nun
"YTA. Get used to paying for taking a friend out for their birthday."
"It's part of being an adult."
"And $25 is dirt cheap. "
"Apologize and pay the money." ~ j_jqqq
"YTA, but I think it's because you are at an age transition time."
"In teens, parents pay for parties, so this would be super tacky."
"It is very common for early-mid twenties to shift to potlucks, B[ring]-Y[our]-O[wn]-B[everage] parties, everyone paying for themselves (and maybe splitting the birthday person's cost) for dinner."
"In that lens, $25 (in lieu of a gift) is a totally reasonable amount for a cool experience."
"Apps like Partiful now literally have a Venmo integration so people can pay a fee for parties or events to cover costs."
"You could just not go if you don't want to." ~ Kasilins
"I was going to say $25 is so cheap to pay for a birthday."
"In my group, we go out to a nice dinner and pay for the birthday person, and then buy them drinks all night if we go out after, and it's been that way since we all started turning 21."
"It ends up being well over $100."
"Even if I was invited to a random house party, I'd show up with alcohol and maybe even something food-related." ~ Suitable_Release
"I don't know, man."
"We usually pay for the person unless they are planning something on their own."
"But that's me, and I like my friends, so we usually take the person out, and they don't pay a dime on anything during the entire evening."
"It's her day."
"You seem like a terrible friend. Honestly."
"Jerks usually use the lie of being blunt or direct to hide their bitterness."
"I don't know you, but... Meh. YTA." ~ AintNoGodsUpHere
"YTA, you said your opinion cruelly."
"Her birthday is coming up, she wants to celebrate, you admit her parties are great, and you insulted her while she was still in the planning stage."
"Unless that's your last $25 and she knows you struggle with money, there was no reason to be so harsh to your childhood friend." ~ mossfan-mothman
"YTA... It's $25... You would've spent more than that taking her out to dinner."
"You could've brought your concerns, saying you didn't know how others would react cause it wasn't the norm in your friend group, but if you are as close as you say you are, then you should've just gone with it."
"Again, it's $25." ~ LynnLizzy79
"So why not just give her the 25$ and then the party IS her present?"
"Problem solved."
"If she wants the party, then that's her present."
"Win-win. "
"$25 isnt even that much. YTA." ~ RayDjo
Reddit is not with you on this one, OP.
You're also speaking for others who haven't heard the scenario yet.
Maybe you could use a little more finesse with your... opinion, on this matter.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp