Kids are wonderful, but there's no denying that having kids irrevocably changes a person's life forever.
And harsh as it might sound, it's no one else's responsibility to accommodate their new family life, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor No_Membership2945 was planning a birthday weekend away, and with travel, gaming, and drinks involved, it was clearly an adults-only type of weekend.
When their old friend, who was a father now, insisted on bringing his young son on the trip, the Original Poster (OP) sympathized with him but refused to change the rules for him, even if it meant that he wouldn't be able to go.
They asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by telling my friend that he can't bring his kid on my adults-only birthday trip?"
The OP was planning a fun, obviously adults-only, weekend away for their birthday.
"I’m planning a weekend away for my birthday with a group of close friends."
"We rented a house, planned to drink, stay up late, play games, and generally have an adults-only weekend."
One of their friends wanted to bring their young son along for the weekend.
"One of my friends recently became a dad and told us he’s bringing his two-year-old, because his wife wants a weekend to herself and he 'can’t just not be a parent for two days.'"
"I told him I love his kid, but this trip was clearly planned as an adult getaway, and having a child there changes the whole vibe for everyone. He said if his kid can’t come, then he can’t come."
"I said that’s fine, but he doesn’t get to change the nature of the trip for everyone else because of his childcare situation."
The friend group was divided over the boundaries that the OP set for the new dad.
"Now, some of my friends think I’m being insensitive and excluding him for being a parent."
"Others agree it’s unreasonable to bring a kid to an adult birthday weekend."
"He says I’m acting like his life shouldn’t have changed just because he has a family now."
"Am I being too harsh? Insensitive?"
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some agreed that children change the whole vibe of an event, and bringing a young child for the weekend would impact all of the OP's plans.
"Life does change when you have a kid, and that means you don't get to just keep partying and drinking whenever you want, nor should he want to expose his two-year-old to that."
"Absolutely, his life should have changed, and part of that change is that he doesn't get to be included in every adult trip because he has a kid. He absolutely should be a good dad, and that means not going to every party your friends throw."
"Just because he has a kid doesn't mean their lives should have to accommodate that." - jypzirium
"NOR. Who wants a kid around when everyone is gonna be drinking and trying to have fun?"
"It sucks for him that he can't be a part of the trip, as I'm sure he was looking forward to it, but I feel like, as a parent, it's kinda what he signed up for, to miss certain events when needed."
"Also, why does the wife need a weekend to herself the same weekend as your birthday trip? I feel like this couple could come to a solution that gets the wife a break AND allows the guy to come on the trip child-free if they both wanted that." - teeleeyuh
"He’s the one acting like his life shouldn’t change. Sorry. He can’t bring his child to an adult weekend. That’s how his life has changed."
"He needs to accept it and deal with it. HIS life changed. Not yours." - Dangerous_Emu47
"NOR. You’re not excluding him for being a parent. Not wanting kids present doesn’t mean excluding parents."
"He can arrange alternative childcare if he wants to attend, or speak to his wife to see if plans can shift. Or he can accept that he’ll have to miss this one. None of his options should include blaming you." - embopbopbopdoowop
"The OP wrote, 'He says I’m acting like his life shouldn’t have changed just because he has a family now.' NOR. His life has changed dramatically, and he has to accept that."
"Bringing a two-year-old to a birthday party with a clear intention of being an adult weekend is an absolute d**k move."
"He can’t expect everyone else to adapt to his situation that has changed. He has to live with the fact that he is a father and sometimes will miss things he wouldn’t have without kids."
"He is the one who is overreacting." - Uzumaki_Thomas
"He seems to be acting like HE thinks his life shouldn't have to change. OP and their friends are accepting that his life has changed, and one thing that's changed is that it may be that he's not able to go off for a long weekend of drinking with his mates." - ProfessorYaffle1
"Life does change when you have a child, and by that, I mean the parents' lives. Speaking from experience, I’m skipping out on a birthday trip for one of my closest friends, because even though she’s said she’d be fine with me bringing my child, who would be one-and-a-half years old by the time of the trip, it takes away from the massive 30th bash she wanted the trip to be."
"NOR, OP. If the friend wants to give the wife a break, then he needs to sit this one out, not expect everyone to change the nature of the trip, because doing his child would do exactly that, no offense to his child or his fatherhood; it's just the truth." - MelanisticMermaid
Others reassured the OP that it wasn't their job to accommodate their friend's life now that he had a child.
"NOR. The weekend was originally planned as a birthday getaway for adults only."
"Your friend should ask the grandparents to help with the kid, not ask you to bring him on the trip. I’m honestly surprised some friends are okay with it, but maybe they’re scared of speaking up? I don't know."
"I don’t doubt your friend’s wife would feel overwhelmed, but asking her husband to take a kid almost sounds like either a punishment for your friend for leaving her for the weekend, or as a way to get him to stay home with her and the kids (because most guys would just stay home if their wife said take the kid, instead of asking if their kid can join the debauchery)." - trapmoneyjennE
"It’s irresponsible of him to even try to bring a young child to an adult party. He should know better. He’s been a dad for two years. That’s not 'recently' becoming a dad." - Dangerous_Emu47
"NOR. You don’t rent a place and spend all that time planning with friends to host a literal toddler."
"Maybe your friend’s wife needs a break. He should help her and take the child to the park and catch up with you later."
"Absolutely no way would I allow a two-year-old baby to my drinking partying birthday bash. He is being inappropriate, not you." - kermitsmasher
"OP is 100% NOR."
"I bet his friend's wife is annoyed that she never gets time to herself and with her friends, and this guy is going to shove his kid off to one or many of his friends to play babysitter while he gets hammered."
"I have had this exact same thing happen to me before. Some parents really can be so irresponsible and lousy. Like, tell me you weren't ready to have kids without telling me you weren't ready to have kids. But it's not my responsibility to care for your kid while you figure it out." - Kamisamamiss
"NOR. He can sit this one out."
"As parents, there are just some things you don't get to do until your kids are either old enough to join in or be left with a sitter/alone. Goes with the territory, your request is reasonable." - NightVisionsII
"I am currently on my birthday trip with my two-year-old niece in tow."
"We changed everything to accommodate her. We changed where we went, we changed the resort packages we got, and our days are centered around her nap times."
"The difference here is I KNEW this was going to happen and AGREED to it!"
"OP, your friend is the selfish one for trying to manipulate you into changing what you want for him and his needs. His wife is incredibly selfish for trying to turn your birthday trip into her weekend without parenting."
"NOR." - lesem0
The subReddit could sympathize with the friend for still wanting to go for the OP's birthday weekend trip and wanting to feel included in things, but the truth of the matter was, he was still very much invited and welcome in his friend group, but there would be events that he wouldn't be able to attend if he couldn't come up with childcare for his son.
He was technically totally welcome to the OP's birthday weekend, but since the weekend itinerary was not child-friendly, he either needed to make other plans for his son, or he needed to make peace with the fact that he could have fun plans with his son instead of going on the trip.
That was no one's responsibility but his own, and trying to put the blame on the OP was as far from a good birthday gift as a person could get.
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