Some aspects of parenting are harder than others, but one reality that not enough people talk about is how hard it can be to get a quality babysitter, which makes it difficult to attend events.
But no matter how difficult this might be, a parent shouldn't force their children onto someone who wants to host a child-free event, just so they can still attend, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Express-Clue-5563 hosted a child-free birthday dinner for herself, planning to have a nice and quiet evening just for adults.
But when one of her friends showed up, not wanting to "miss out" on her birthday, the Original Poster (OP) had to ask her friend to leave, because she'd brought her three-year-old daughter instead of getting a babysitter.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for telling my friend she couldn't bring her kid to my child-free birthday dinner?"
The OP recently hosted a child-free birthday dinner for herself and some friends.
"I (29 Female) recently hosted a birthday dinner at a nice restaurant with a group of close friends."
"It was meant to be a small, child-free evening; nothing wild, just a quiet, adult-only dinner with good food and conversation."
"I made it clear on the invite that this was an adults-only event so that everyone could plan accordingly."
"One of my friends, Laura (31 Female), has a three-year-old daughter. When I first sent out the invite, she asked if she could bring her child since she didn't have a babysitter."
"I sympathized but told her that, unfortunately, I really wanted to keep this an adult-only event, and I totally understood if she couldn't make it."
"She said she'd figure something out and never brought it up again."
But it seemed Laura's idea of "figuring something out" did not match the OP's.
"The night of the dinner, everyone was arriving at the restaurant, and Laura walked in, holding her daughter's hand."
"I was immediately caught off-guard but tried to stay calm. I pulled her aside and asked, 'Hey, I thought we talked about this? I really wanted this to be child-free.'"
"She shrugged and said, 'Yeah, but I couldn't find a sitter, and I didn't want to miss your birthday.'"
"At this point, I was frustrated but still trying to be polite. I told her I understood, but I didn't think it was fair to the rest of the guests who also made arrangements for childcare, expecting an adult environment. I asked her to leave and come back another time to celebrate separately."
"She got upset and said I was being ungrateful and ridiculous, and stated that her daughter was 'well-behaved' and wouldn't cause any trouble."
The OP didn't appreciate having her boundaries pushed.
"But the whole point was the principle of the thing. I had set a boundary, and she just ignored it."
"Laura ended up leaving in a huff, and later, she sent me a long text about how I 'humiliated' her in front of our friends and made her feel like a bad mom for bringing her daughter."
"A couple of our friends think I overreacted and should have just let her stay. Others agree that it was unfair of her to put me in that position."
"Now I feel torn. I didn't want to make a scene, but I also feel like I shouldn't have to justify a boundary I was clear about from the start."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that her friend needed to respect the boundaries that she set.
"NTA, OP. Laura humiliated herself."
"Imagine actually having the audacity to show up to a group setting of adults only, with a toddler, actually delusional enough to think everyone will be SO STOKED to have paid for their own babysitters, but now they are a group of adults all babysitting the one small child!"
"Hah. Nope. Bye." - jubangyeonghon
"NTA. You set a clear cut, defined, and reasonable boundary."
"And she decided to test it, and when you very politely stood by your boundary, she made herself the victim and tried to invalidate your boundary."
"That was super disrespectful of her, and I have zero doubt that in her mind, she would absolutely get away with it, and that's why she reacted so strongly, because instead of buckling and just appeasing her to save face, you reinforced your boundary. Her only remaining option was to attack you personally."
"Let me put it this way, there were multiple steps she could have reasonably and easily taken."
"She could have brought it up again, like, 'Hey, I'm having a really hard time finding a sitter, are you sure I can't bring my kid?' To which it would have been no, I'm guessing, which is your right."
"And then the night of, 'Hey, the sitter flaked and now I have my kid, are you really sure she can't just come? I promise she will behave,' to which I'm guessing you would have stood by your boundary, which is still your right."
"No, instead, she chose willingly to circumvent those no's by challenging your boundary, directly and publicly, in order to illicit guilt in the expectation you would buckle under pressure or those around you would back her up making you the bad guy if you didn't buckle, thus increasing the strain already."
"I mean, look, you're already torn about whether you did the right thing by standing by a boundary you clearly and politely set, and then clearly and politely reinforced in a seriously f**ked up position to be out in, on your celebration." - eeeeeeeeeEeeEEeeeE6
"I'm willing to put money on she never tried to get childcare. She either didn't think it was a hard and fast boundary or didn't want to/have the money to get a babysitter for a few hours. The sneakiness of just showing up with her daughter tells me this wasn't a last resort."
"And also, they're all friends, right? So if she had really looked into sitters but couldn't find one, why didn't she reach out to one of the other friends to ask to share a sitter with them? Looking after one or two toddlers is quite the same, especially if she's not lying by saying she's well behaved…"
"That's what I don't understand… (I did a lot of babysitting even as a teenager and it never bothered me when I had one added kid, it meant more money honestly.)"
"NTA." - Awkward_Cucumber_110
"There are times when it's acceptable to bring a child to a not-ideal-for-children event."
"Like... my father's funeral was last week. If our childcare plans had fallen through I absolutely would have taken my eleven-month-old son to the funeral with me and exactly no-one would have been entitled to say sh*t about that."
"Because a.) it was my father's funeral and b.) my son was basically his favourite person in the universe anyway."
"And my parents had one child they wanted to be present at their otherwise child-free wedding, so they made him the ringbearer."
"The key element here is that the people with the authority to decide on the exceptions made the decision, not random guests. That should have been left in OP's power, on her birthday, not Laura's." - Emergency-Twist7136
"NTA. A boundary is only as strong as your willingness to enforce it, and you did exactly that, no more and no less. What would have been rude is if you made this exception for one person while everyone else made proper arrangements for their children." - Informal-Arrival678
Others said this was about something much simpler than boundaries: not being invited.
"I don't even know that I'd say this is about boundary setting, it's about basic manners. It is extremely rude to bring someone to an event who was not invited to that event."
"The official invitation for the party said it was adults only. The friend contacted the host and asked if the invitation could be extended to include her daughter and was explicitly told that children were not being invited to the event."
"She knew that she was bringing someone to the event who had not been invited, which is rude and presumptuous." - readthethings13579
"At the beginning of the post, Laura said she'd 'figure something out,' but what she probably actually meant was 'do the thing anyway and hope that the person I'm doing this to will be too polite to protest.'"
"I really don't understand people who do this. If I'm out at a grown-up birthday celebration, I wouldn't dream of taking my kids along with me. If I don't have childcare, I'm not going."
"I do find it very telling that OP had to specify to people that the dinner was child-free. In my circle, we wouldn't need to be told that kids aren't included to that kind of event."
"The only time that I've ever come close to doing what happened here was with my aunt's birthday dinner. She was home from another country for this and I knew in advance that my partner would be working, so I had no childcare as our usual babysitters (my parents) were going to the dinner. I let people know that I wouldn't be able to join them for dinner, but that I would pop in for take-out at the time that they had the booking."
"On the evening of the event, I spoke to my aunt for a few minutes while I waited for my order, and she got to meet my then-toddler. I did not attempt to join the group at the table. That wouldn't have been fair on the party, and it also wouldn't have been fair to my child, since it was almost his bedtime." - irish_ninja_wte
"I had an uninvited couple turn up to my very grownup cocktail party with their toddler on NYE once. We had invited a few of my husband's co-workers, and one of them randomly invited another co-worker without telling them about the no-kids stipulation."
"I didn't feel like I could turn them away because it might reflect badly on my boyfriend at work. Their two-year-old was fussy, demanded a lot of the guests' attention, put a major damper on conversation, and grabbed and broke the locomotives from my train set."
"They also asked to put him down for a nap in our bed, and he wet the bed. The party fizzled out shortly after midnight."
"I was so p**sed off. Who takes a toddler to a New Year's party, much less without checking with the host?!" - f**kyourcanoes
"It's totally irrelevant how well-behaved the kid is. Their very presence impacts the vibe and the expectations of suitable conversation topics and language of the group. No one would be able to fully relax and just enjoy the company while needing to watch what they say and how they say it."
"And for those who have kids and made alternative arrangements for them, it takes away a rare opportunity to be free of that ever-present guardedness."
"Not only that, but I can't properly relax and enjoy an event like that with any of my kids around. I constantly have to keep an ear or an eye on them to make sure they're behaving, they're not being hassled, they don't need anything, they aren't imposing on others, etc., and even when it's not my kids, I'm hal-doing that with others kids too because it's really hard to switch that off."
"NTA, OP, you made it a child-free event for a reason, and your friend disrespected you and everyone else in the group by acting as though she is somehow the exception." - SublimeAussie
"NTA."
"My parents had me young, and I was the only kid amongst their friend group. Mostly, I went everywhere with them. Sometimes, it was an adult-only event. Either I had a sitter, or one of my parents stayed home. That's just how it was. No wailing about it being unfair!"
"Same thing when I was the parent."
"Now, I'm the grandmother, and I'm firm with my grandkids. Sometimes, there are events they don't get to attend."
"It was good for me. Taught me that I wasn't entitled to be everywhere and that the world didn't revolve around me. No matter how well behaved I was!"
"That seems to be a lesson getting lost recently."
"Good for you. You maintained your quite reasonable boundary, and you modelled good behaviour for that little girl, which was more than her actual parent did."
"Hope you had a fantastic birthday!" - Significant-Spite-72
The subReddit could empathize that sometimes it can be hard to find a babysitter and that Laura could have reached out to the OP to explain what the issue was before she showed up at the birthday dinner with her daughter by her side.
However, the sub seemed to think it more likely that she did not attempt to make babysitting arrangements and preferred to pressure her and her daughter into the event.
The bottom line is that this was meant to be an adult-only event, and when someone is not invited, they are not invited, even if they are a child in need of a babysitter.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp