Content Warning: Mentions of Mental Health, Prenatal Depression (PND), and Postpartum Depression (PPD)
Responsible future parents have to answer some tough questions before trying to have a baby, like how much space they have for a child, what their budget will look like, and how they'll divide up work and home responsibilities.
While it might sound morbid, they should even address who would care for their child in the event that something happened to them, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Dear_Adhesiveness744 was decidedly child-free and was not particularly close to her sister, based on their very different personalities and interests.
When her sister and brother-in-law brought up their plans to start trying to have a baby during the following year, and inquired who would be willing to care for their baby if both of them passed, the Original Poster (OP) struggled to think of any reason she'd want to say yes.
She asked the sub:
"Would I be the a**hole (WIBTAH) if I refused to be the person designated to take in my sister's child(ren) if she and her husband were to both pass away?"
The OP's sister was beginning to make plans to try to get pregnant.
"My sister (26 Female) and her husband (28 Male) are planning to get pregnant next year."
"Right now, they’re getting their ducks in a row financially and legally."
"The subject of who would take in the kid, or kids, in the event they both passed away was gently breached when they visited our hometown for Mother’s Day."
For practical reasons, most of the family would not be able to take a child in.
"Our parents are too old to take in a child."
"Her husband’s mom is pretty old as well (dad passed away last year). Plus, she lives on the other side of the world, so that could be messy in a number of ways."
"Her husband also has no siblings and no friends who are close enough that he would trust them to do something like that."
"They also just moved to a new area, so they have some casual friends, but they haven't really connected with or grown close with anyone just yet."
"That leaves them with me and my brother as the most obvious immediate options."
The OP had reservations about her sister becoming a mother, let alone stepping in to provide care.
"We’re both currently single and childfree."
"To be blunt… I don’t care for my sister’s company. I wish her well, but we have very different values and personalities."
"In short, she’s mean-spirited, rigid, and emotionally volatile due to a diagnosed personality disorder. She's also very, very materialistic."
"She’s managing better these days, but I don’t trust it to last because she isn’t reliable about taking her meds, and she still has bad 'flare-ups' on occasion."
"She is, in my opinion, ill-suited to parenthood, but ultimately that’s not my decision to make."
"And one of my big worries, possibly an unfair one, is that she will have children with similar difficulties."
The OP's brother made it clear that he was not interested.
"My brother made it clear in no uncertain terms that her would not be willing to take on raising one or more kids (my sister wants four, but we’ll see what happens)."
"I get the feeling he shares my fears, though we didn’t have a chance to talk after Mother’s Day."
Since it was Mother's Day, the OP didn't want to ruin the mood by sharing her answer.
"I didn’t commit one way or the other. I could feel our mom eyeing me, and I felt guilty, and I didn’t want to ruin Mother’s Day brunch for her."
"So I politely suggested we could discuss it at a later time (I mean, she’s not even pregnant yet!), and we steered the conversation elsewhere."
"I know this is likely to come up again soon, though (they’re visiting again in a few weeks), and I’m not sure how to respond."
The OP felt conflicted but was certain her answer was "no."
"I know I WANT to say no, but would that make me an a**hole?"
"If I say no, their kid(s) would likely end up in foster care if the worst were to happen. They really don’t have any other viable options."
"And I do think I could be a good parent to one or two children if I had to… I just really don’t want to."
"And if my sister actually has the four kids she wants, it would kill me to try to care for them all."
"So would I be wrong if I told my sister and her husband not to put me down as their potential child(ren)’s backup guardian in their wills?"
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that she had her reasons for being child-free, and she didn't have to feel guilty about that.
"Tell sis that you cannot commit to anything now."
"(Don't tell her this part. Taking on somebody else's children is a huge responsibility)."
"You MAY be ready for it years down the road. Whether you are with a partner or not."
"Hopefully, they have some good friends that they can leave their children with who the kids are familiar with. That would be better." - Optimal_Piglet7882
"You can say no and NTA."
"Is there a cousin, maybe?"
"Also, if they live so far away, it would be extremely difficult on them losing their parents and then heading to move to a completely different place. I'd encourage them to ask someone who lives near them that they are friends with because that would mean their lives stay as consistent as possible." - Kimbaaaaly
"My friend had a similar conversation with me when she started trying with her husband. I now have a two-year-old niece and am first on the list to take her if the worst happens."
"It is worth noting that they can't will a child, only express their wishes in the will. You can also make your wishes known to your sister. Tell her that two is your limit, and if she has more kids, they will go to someone else or get split up. Insist that she name another person as backup if not primary."
"A friend is likely a better choice than you, especially if you rarely see your sister, as the kid won't know you well."
"Also, now is the time to tell her to make sure that she and her husband have life insurance. At least if the kid/s is orphaned, whoever takes them will be able to afford to raise them. Also ensures if one of them dies, then the other is okay financially." - Ambitious_Depth_8777
"You don't have your own for financial and health reasons because you couldn't provide a good level of care (that's just how you're going to word it, circumstances change, and there's no judgment or assumption of knowledge about your capabilities here) to your own kids, so taking on someone else's would have the same result."
"Frame it as 'I'm incapable of long-term care for four or so children, and your kids deserve better.' This isn't a choice you're making; your health and finances made the decision for you because you don't want their kids to be neglected in any capacity. It deflects the pressure off of you into the 'the kids deserve the best' court. Good luck!" - ilse_eli
"You already anticipate parenting to be hard on you if you had your own children. I'd say it wouldn't be responsible for you to commit to someone else's child, possibly multiple children, and perhaps difficult children, depending on how they are raised."
"You didn't lose your moral compass."
"How about letting her know on your terms, now that you've made the decision? Why wait until it's family time, and she brings the topic again?"
"You don't have to over-explain yourself. Maybe none of your reasons are good enough for her. Don't try to convince her if it comes to that. Be firm."
"Also, it's not 'family or foster care.' They could pick friends." - Wild_Black_Hat
Others agreed and urged the OP to answer the question as bluntly as her brother did.
"'My brother made it clear in no uncertain terms that he would not be willing to take on raising one or more kids.' Why do YOU feel like your brother gets to make the decision he wants, but YOUwould be an AH for making the decision you want? Is your brother an AH for his decision?"
"NTA. You get to make the best decision for your life." - Distorted_Penguin
"Your moral compass is fine. Your sister, on the other hand, is using patriarchal guilt to control you. I'm guessing you have always been responsible for maintaining her emotions?" - Simply_Toast
"The easiest way out is to make them not want you, then there's no pressure on you (because realistically, a woman saying no always makes you the devil when it's fine for a man, because gender bulls**t)."
"Tell sis you would raise the kids your way, not hers. Make you her sincere worst nightmare."
"Just saying no is great in theory, but if that were really the case, this wouldn't still be an issue, you'd have already felt comfortable saying it, and they would have accepted that." - Beth21286
"So even if you say no now, in the event of the worst happening, if they haven’t designated a guardian, you or your brother can decide to say yes then."
"This isn’t a forever no that can never be changed. Once the kid(s) are here, you may have a change of heart, or once they are older, you may feel more comfortable assuming that responsibility."
"It is also totally ok if you never want them." - myssi24
"I think she just went non-committal because if both of them said no right then, her sister would almost certainly have gone ballistic and ruined the day for their mom, so OP just tried to defer the tantrum."
"But that also meant time to get up in her head, because she’s a decent person who doesn’t want to see a kid suffer. So now she’s stuck on whether she really could do anything about this hypothetical kid’s hypothetical suffering."
"OP, you have nothing to worry about. More than likely, this is a hypothetical, stressful-for-no-reason conversation, and they will be fine with their child or children. And goodness forbid if they're not, something will work out that does not have to flip your life on its head or make you fill guilty for it. Everything will be well." - demon_fae
The OP later shared part of the reason she felt conflicted and expressed her resolve.
"To those who thought I believed my life isn't as important as my brother's, I know it’s not less important. I’m just reacting to this information differently."
"Yes, we’re both childfree. But my brother actively dislikes kids."
"I adore kids. I would have loved to have one kid, but I know that it’s not the best choice for my hypothetical child or me because of my limited finances and some issues with chronic fatigue. While parenthood definitely isn’t impossible for me, it would be harder for me than most."
"I’m now confident in saying 'no.' I just have a soft spot for kids, and I know how awful the foster care system can be, so it gave me pause. Hopefully, sister and BIL can figure something else out."
This is a tough conversation that no one ever wants to have, but it has to happen, just in case.
While the OP might feel the pressure of being the "last" option, there would inevitably be new options the longer her sister and brother-in-law lived in their new town and made new friends, or perhaps even connected with other family members.
But more than likely, this was a stressful conversation that the family would be blessed to never have to revisit.
