Content Warning: Mentions of Mental Health, Prenatal Depression (PND), and Postpartum Depression (PPD)
Responsible future parents have to answer some tough questions before trying to have a baby, like how much space they have for a child, what their budget will look like, and how they'll divide up work and home responsibilities.
While it might sound morbid, they should even address who would care for their child in the event that something happened to them, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Dear_Adhesiveness744 was decidedly child-free and was not particularly close to her sister, based on their very different personalities and interests.
When her sister and brother-in-law brought up their plans to start trying to have a baby during the following year, and inquired who would be willing to care for their baby if both of them passed, the Original Poster (OP) struggled to think of any reason she'd want to say yes.
She asked the sub:
"Would I be the a**hole (WIBTAH) if I refused to be the person designated to take in my sister's child(ren) if she and her husband were to both pass away?"
The OP's sister was beginning to make plans to try to get pregnant.
"My sister (26 Female) and her husband (28 Male) are planning to get pregnant next year."
"Right now, they’re getting their ducks in a row financially and legally."
"The subject of who would take in the kid, or kids, in the event they both passed away was gently breached when they visited our hometown for Mother’s Day."
For practical reasons, most of the family would not be able to take a child in.
"Our parents are too old to take in a child."
"Her husband’s mom is pretty old as well (dad passed away last year). Plus, she lives on the other side of the world, so that could be messy in a number of ways."
"Her husband also has no siblings and no friends who are close enough that he would trust them to do something like that."
"They also just moved to a new area, so they have some casual friends, but they haven't really connected with or grown close with anyone just yet."
"That leaves them with me and my brother as the most obvious immediate options."
The OP had reservations about her sister becoming a mother, let alone stepping in to provide care.
"We’re both currently single and childfree."
"To be blunt… I don’t care for my sister’s company. I wish her well, but we have very different values and personalities."
"In short, she’s mean-spirited, rigid, and emotionally volatile due to a diagnosed personality disorder. She's also very, very materialistic."
"She’s managing better these days, but I don’t trust it to last because she isn’t reliable about taking her meds, and she still has bad 'flare-ups' on occasion."
"She is, in my opinion, ill-suited to parenthood, but ultimately that’s not my decision to make."
"And one of my big worries, possibly an unfair one, is that she will have children with similar difficulties."
The OP's brother made it clear that he was not interested.
"My brother made it clear in no uncertain terms that her would not be willing to take on raising one or more kids (my sister wants four, but we’ll see what happens)."
"I get the feeling he shares my fears, though we didn’t have a chance to talk after Mother’s Day."
Since it was Mother's Day, the OP didn't want to ruin the mood by sharing her answer.
"I didn’t commit one way or the other. I could feel our mom eyeing me, and I felt guilty, and I didn’t want to ruin Mother’s Day brunch for her."
"So I politely suggested we could discuss it at a later time (I mean, she’s not even pregnant yet!), and we steered the conversation elsewhere."
"I know this is likely to come up again soon, though (they’re visiting again in a few weeks), and I’m not sure how to respond."
The OP felt conflicted but was certain her answer was "no."
"I know I WANT to say no, but would that make me an a**hole?"
"If I say no, their kid(s) would likely end up in foster care if the worst were to happen. They really don’t have any other viable options."
"And I do think I could be a good parent to one or two children if I had to… I just really don’t want to."
"And if my sister actually has the four kids she wants, it would kill me to try to care for them all."
"So would I be wrong if I told my sister and her husband not to put me down as their potential child(ren)’s backup guardian in their wills?"
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that she had her reasons for being child-free, and she didn't have to feel guilty about that.
"Tell sis that you cannot commit to anything now."
"(Don't tell her this part. Taking on somebody else's children is a huge responsibility)."
"You MAY be ready for it years down the road. Whether you are with a partner or not."
"Hopefully, they have some good friends that they can leave their children with who the kids are familiar with. That would be better." - Optimal_Piglet7882
"You can say no and NTA."
"Is there a cousin, maybe?"
"Also, if they live so far away, it would be extremely difficult on them losing their parents and then heading to move to a completely different place. I'd encourage them to ask someone who lives near them that they are friends with because that would mean their lives stay as consistent as possible." - Kimbaaaaly
"My friend had a similar conversation with me when she started trying with her husband. I now have a two-year-old niece and am first on the list to take her if the worst happens."
"It is worth noting that they can't will a child, only express their wishes in the will. You can also make your wishes known to your sister. Tell her that two is your limit, and if she has more kids, they will go to someone else or get split up. Insist that she name another person as backup if not primary."
"A friend is likely a better choice than you, especially if you rarely see your sister, as the kid won't know you well."
"Also, now is the time to tell her to make sure that she and her husband have life insurance. At least if the kid/s is orphaned, whoever takes them will be able to afford to raise them. Also ensures if one of them dies, then the other is okay financially." - Ambitious_Depth_8777
"You don't have your own for financial and health reasons because you couldn't provide a good level of care (that's just how you're going to word it, circumstances change, and there's no judgment or assumption of knowledge about your capabilities here) to your own kids, so taking on someone else's would have the same result."
"Frame it as 'I'm incapable of long-term care for four or so children, and your kids deserve better.' This isn't a choice you're making; your health and finances made the decision for you because you don't want their kids to be neglected in any capacity. It deflects the pressure off of you into the 'the kids deserve the best' court. Good luck!" - ilse_eli
"You already anticipate parenting to be hard on you if you had your own children. I'd say it wouldn't be responsible for you to commit to someone else's child, possibly multiple children, and perhaps difficult children, depending on how they are raised."
"You didn't lose your moral compass."
"How about letting her know on your terms, now that you've made the decision? Why wait until it's family time, and she brings the topic again?"
"You don't have to over-explain yourself. Maybe none of your reasons are good enough for her. Don't try to convince her if it comes to that. Be firm."
"Also, it's not 'family or foster care.' They could pick friends." - Wild_Black_Hat
Others agreed and urged the OP to answer the question as bluntly as her brother did.
"'My brother made it clear in no uncertain terms that he would not be willing to take on raising one or more kids.' Why do YOU feel like your brother gets to make the decision he wants, but YOUwould be an AH for making the decision you want? Is your brother an AH for his decision?"
"NTA. You get to make the best decision for your life." - Distorted_Penguin
"Your moral compass is fine. Your sister, on the other hand, is using patriarchal guilt to control you. I'm guessing you have always been responsible for maintaining her emotions?" - Simply_Toast
"The easiest way out is to make them not want you, then there's no pressure on you (because realistically, a woman saying no always makes you the devil when it's fine for a man, because gender bulls**t)."
"Tell sis you would raise the kids your way, not hers. Make you her sincere worst nightmare."
"Just saying no is great in theory, but if that were really the case, this wouldn't still be an issue, you'd have already felt comfortable saying it, and they would have accepted that." - Beth21286
"So even if you say no now, in the event of the worst happening, if they haven’t designated a guardian, you or your brother can decide to say yes then."
"This isn’t a forever no that can never be changed. Once the kid(s) are here, you may have a change of heart, or once they are older, you may feel more comfortable assuming that responsibility."
"It is also totally ok if you never want them." - myssi24
"I think she just went non-committal because if both of them said no right then, her sister would almost certainly have gone ballistic and ruined the day for their mom, so OP just tried to defer the tantrum."
"But that also meant time to get up in her head, because she’s a decent person who doesn’t want to see a kid suffer. So now she’s stuck on whether she really could do anything about this hypothetical kid’s hypothetical suffering."
"OP, you have nothing to worry about. More than likely, this is a hypothetical, stressful-for-no-reason conversation, and they will be fine with their child or children. And goodness forbid if they're not, something will work out that does not have to flip your life on its head or make you fill guilty for it. Everything will be well." - demon_fae
The OP later shared part of the reason she felt conflicted and expressed her resolve.
"To those who thought I believed my life isn't as important as my brother's, I know it’s not less important. I’m just reacting to this information differently."
"Yes, we’re both childfree. But my brother actively dislikes kids."
"I adore kids. I would have loved to have one kid, but I know that it’s not the best choice for my hypothetical child or me because of my limited finances and some issues with chronic fatigue. While parenthood definitely isn’t impossible for me, it would be harder for me than most."
"I’m now confident in saying 'no.' I just have a soft spot for kids, and I know how awful the foster care system can be, so it gave me pause. Hopefully, sister and BIL can figure something else out."
This is a tough conversation that no one ever wants to have, but it has to happen, just in case.
While the OP might feel the pressure of being the "last" option, there would inevitably be new options the longer her sister and brother-in-law lived in their new town and made new friends, or perhaps even connected with other family members.
But more than likely, this was a stressful conversation that the family would be blessed to never have to revisit.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp