Some married couples manage to stay together after infidelity. But generally a bare minimum requirement for reconciliation is for the cheating spouse to break off contact with their affair partner, especially in voluntary social situations.
But what if your cheating spose refuses to cut ties?
A husband and father turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback after his wife wouldn’t stop playing games, literally, with her affair partner.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Throwaway1986iii asked:
“AITAH For wanting a divorce after my wife insists on keeping her affair partner in our life so he can Dungeon Master (DM) her Dungeons & Dragons (DnD) sessions?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I have been married to my wife for 15 years. Last year she initiated an affair with a long time friend who was running her DnD sessions (for the sake of this post we will call him Dan).”
“I had a lot of trust issues surrounding this guy for some time starting when he and my wife were both fired for sexually harassing an employee which effectively ended my wife’s career.”
“When I discovered the affair they went no contact for a while. Me and my wife went into therapy and have been trying to rebuild our life for a year.”
“In our last therapy session she has insisted that this man must stay in her life as a friend and that they would never cross that line again, especially because they are playing DnD with a crowd.”
“But then she says in their current campaign he is an NPC that she flirts with hard, while also describing in therapy that their characters should flirt hard ‘for the game.'”
“I can’t trust that them not cheating again would be the case, so therapy has now shifted into separation.”
“We have two children, one with special needs, and she and her circle believe I am likely clinically insane for wanting to separate over what they think is a bunch of people just playing DnD.”
“AITAH here, because I strongly feel like I am being gaslit a little here.”
The OP later added:
“As far as the sexual harassment, this was her story. They both worked at a bookstore, like middle management or something like that. She claimed that she tried to set him up on a date with a girl who liked him and worked at the bookstore.”
“They played a game of ‘marry, f*ck, kill’ with the employee. He said he would kill her, my wife said she would f*ck her. The girl reported them.”
“The guy who officiated our wedding also worked there. He called me about a month later to come over for a party he was throwing.”
“Turned out she walked in on them having sex—the truth came out in therapy.”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO – more information needed
Redditors decided the OP wasn’t wrong to want a divorce when his wife insists on spending time with her affair partner (NTA).
“Your wife is a monster.”
“Honestly, even if she weren’t a cheater, she got fired from her job for sexually harassing someone. That is horrid. You don’t stay married to someone who is a bad person.”
“And you’re right that she is trying to gaslight you. Asking to keep seeing someone she cheated with because she likes to play DND with him shows an utter disinterest in the marriage.”
“You need to fast-track this divorce and stop worrying about what her idiot friends think.” ~ EmceeSuzy
“NTA, EASILY. She’s shown you, for another time, how little she values you. She literally chose a GAME over you. And it’s not even THE game.”
“She can still play DnD, just not with that particular person. My colleague has multiple DnD groups with randos he found on the internet. Your spouse is meant to be your 1 in 8 billion, and she chose this over you?”
“Nah, OP, find someone who will cherish and treasure you for real.” ~ ItIsWhatIssss
“You are being gaslit.”
“Continuing on with an affair partner, in ANY way, is a deal breaker. First, they sexually harassed another poor person, ENDING her career (she was willing to lose her career to team up with this a**hole to sexually harass someone), and then it almost ends your marriage, but she wants him back to play a f*cking game?”
“Nope.”
“I would be divorcing this cheater cuz she’s really a POS.” ~ shep2105
“NTA. Your wife is continuing this affair. She has been appeasing you by going to the couple’s counseling, but she has no intention of changing her behavior.”
“Let her have her DnD affair partner. People serious about healing their marriage don’t continue to spend time with their affair partner.” ~ Due-Season6425
“If they still have contact, the affair continues. An affair isn’t just f*cking. It includes an emotional connection that is fed by continued contact.”
“The first step in rebuilding trust is zero contact. Divorce or a different DnD DM is a consequence she brought on herself by cheating.” ~ Own-Writing-3687
“NTA. Yeah, divorce her. Make sure the kids know why. Not in a ‘judgmental’ or ‘hostile’ way. Just in a ‘matter of fact, judge for yourself, kids’ way.”
“Her circle calls you ‘insane’ to bully and gaslight you to support her. She’s probably fed them some sob story. She lied and cheated on you. Why would she tell anyone else the truth? F*ck that nonsense from Team Mordor.” ~ get_to_ele
“She isn’t taking a basic and obvious step to try to help you recover from the pain she caused you and your family. She isn’t serious about changing. I don’t think you could have believed anything she said or did before, but you definitely can’t now.” ~ jonjon234567
“She was canned for sexual harassment. Something she participated in with this guy.”
“OP, you get to make boundaries. She may have once been good and kind, but she’s pretty selfish and intensely cruel now.” ~ YesterdaySimilar2069
“As a DnD player, I understand being invested in a campaign and a character, and not wanting to potentially lose friends because she has to cut out the DM. There are two things I don’t understand though.”
“First, how can she value a DnD campaign, that group of friends, and that guy more than her marriage? It’s easier to lose her marriage than a guy that seems pretty toxic?”
“And second, I fail to understand how you being uncomfortable with her hanging around her affair partner and wanting to separate makes you the a**hole. Trust was broken, and she’s not doing anything to show good faith on her part.”
“DnD is a fun game, sure, but the DM was her affair partner. It’s pretty reasonable to ask her to play with someone else.”
“I think that you would want her to create some distance from him, especially to show that she’s serious about mending things. It’s too easy for feelings and sexual infidelity to show up again.”
“She’s clearly already emotionally cheating.” ~ Tea_laBleu
“No contact is a non-negotiable to even have a small chance of saving the marriage. She is essentially saying the affair partner and DnD are more important to her than her relationship with OP.” ~ Necessary_Tap343
“Dude, what’s stopping you from leaving her? If she loved you, she wouldn’t have cheated or ruined someone’s career because of her fling.
“And worse, you forgave her, and she still wants the guy in your lives; all that’s left is for her to ask you for a threesome or an open relationship with him.”
“Pack your things and make it clear to everyone what happened and that you tried, but she prefers him to your marriage. Tell your family and friends the truth.” ~ Future-Battle-4926
The OP provided an update:
“She tried to explain today that her friend lives with her current husband and ex-husband ‘because that is what’s best for her kids’.”
“I laughed very hard and then explained that it is time to introduce a little bit of normalcy for our kids.”
“Looks like divorce town.”
“I am less bitter than when I made this post. But I think we all know where this is going.”
“I don’t want to take my kids away from their mom, though. This sh*t is between me and her.”
If his wife is unwilling to cut her affair partner out of her life, then the affair never ended, even if the sex stopped.
It’s time for OP to move on with his life.