Not all relationships are meant to last, and once we realize it’s not going to work out, it’s generally best to move on to avoid wasting everyone’s time and feelings.
But sometimes we don’t realize until after we’ve married the person that the relationship wasn’t meant to be, cringed the members of the “Am I Overreacting?” (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Gullible-Tree368 was pregnant with her and her husband’s second child, and his willingness to be there for her was declining at an alarming rate.
While she was struggling with pregnancy symptoms, being sick, and also being exhausted while their toddler was ill, the Original Poster (OP) could do nothing but cry when her husband refused to care for their toddler so she could get some rest.
She asked the sub:
“Am I overreacting by feeling abandoned by my husband while pregnant with our second child?”
The OP had been ill while pregnant and caring for her toddler.
“I am 35 weeks pregnant, and my son (21 months) and I caught a stomach virus this week (throwing up and diarrhea).”
“I am fatigued from not being able to eat, I am anemic, and I am extremely exhausted from pregnancy… and have been taking care of my son while my husband works from home.”
“My husband and I sleep in two different bedrooms (he snores, and I am a light sleeper).”
“I also co-sleep with my son since lifting him in and out of the crib all night is too difficult with my belly (he has never slept through the night, and I have some placenta complications, so I am not supposed to be lifting him).”
The OP’s husband did not follow through with helping her like he promised.
“My husband said he would start taking my son at night so that my son can become more comfortable with the crib, so that we can start preparing for when the new baby arrives… which I will 100% be on my own for night feedings since I am breastfeeding.”
“However, he always has an excuse for why he can’t take him at night (he’s too tired, he got bad sleep last night, he doesn’t want to get sick, and I’m already sick, etc).”
“I am to the point in my pregnancy where it is very difficult to get comfortable at night (really bad heartburn, round ligament pain, hip pain, back pain), but I am still expected to do it. I don’t get excuses like he does.”
The OP reached out to her husband for help.
“Last night, I had to get up three times to change my toddler’s diarrhea-filled diaper and four times to give him Pedialyte and calm him.”
“Between that, I couldn’t sleep due to my own discomforts of pregnancy.”
“My neck is now extremely stiff from the rough night, so I sent him this text, and this was his response…”
In the text message, the OP pleaded:
“I need a nap soooo bad, but baby won’t let me.”
“Is there any opportunity that I can nap, please?”
“I need to so bad. I can’t keep my eyes open.”
“The SECOND you wake up… can you please, please, please, come massage my neck for a few minutes?”
“I had the roughest night of my life, and I’m in such crippling pain.”
“Please, I really need a partner right now.”
The OP’s husband immediately dismissed her:
“Dude, I am not doing good. I had a super rough night.”
“And I have s**t from work, so, no.”
The OP revealed why her husband was “exhausted” in the other bedroom.
“As a side note, I just want to point out that he stays up late at night playing video games because that’s ‘his only time to de-stress from work,’ and that’s why he’s always ‘exhausted.'”
“Also, I am not a SAHM. I do work from home, which is a luxury, but I do work. So I’m a WAHM.”
“I was a full-time teacher before giving birth to our first son, but now I am teaching online classes for the time being. My actual ‘online hours’ put me only at around 25 hours a week, and grading and planning is separate from that.”
“Maybe some could classify me as a ‘SAHM,’ since my hours are on the lower side and happening from home. But anyone who teaches knows there are a lot of hours we put in off the clock, too.”
The OP was hurt and frustrated.
“I said nothing in response but bawled my eyes out privately.”
“I am told I’m ‘too emotional’ when I’m pregnant.”
“Am I just being emotional and dramatic? Or am I really alone?”
“Are all men this way, or is it just my man?”
“AIO?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You’re Overreacting
Some urged the OP to get help with her pregnancy and childcare.
“What is he actually good for? You are already taking care of everything alone. You can also leave him. He sounds like a lazy b**tard. You and your kids deserve better.” – Elfi_moa
“Do you have somewhere you can go for support? NOR. This isn’t a partner.” – Undercover_heathen
“Divorcing him will make your life a lot easier since he is a burden rather than a partner.”
“This post could have been made by me a few years ago. I was also the only one working. Despite having no village, I left. Life is 1,000 times easier as a solo parent than as someone having to also parent a s**tty adult bully who won’t pull their weight.” – Opposite-Stretch-312
“NOR at all. 100% agree and no free pass on night feedings, that’s what pumps are for. Jesus f**king Ch***t, seriously, this is the absolute minimum a dad should be doing. Foot and back rubs daily, it’s not that f**king hard.”
“It doesn’t matter if you’re the sole income, especially in a work-from-home situation. Your oldest should have been sleeping in Dad’s room months ago when there was time to adjust, not five weeks out (which could be even less).”
“Being a dad is hard, but it’s h**la easier than carrying around a seven-pound parasite (I say that lovingly) that kicks you in the kidneys every now and then. Sorry, OP, you deserve better.” – HarryLime72
“Jesus, girl, no, men aren’t all this way, and I’m sorry that people in your life have trained you into accepting/marrying/having children with trash. You need to stop accepting this and start putting your foot down. That is HIS child, too.” – Min_sora
“NOR. This a**hole is at home all day watching you suffer and can’t even be bothered to give you some physical relief for five minutes?? WHILE YOU ARE CARRYING HIS SECOND CHILD?!”
“If this were my man, I’d be sitting him down to a non-optional SERIOUS talk. Sure, he can have a rough night, too. It happens, and it sucks when both parents are worn out, sick, tired, etc., but he is acting like the kids are solely your responsibility, and he shouldn’t have to be bothered to help with them.”
“What bothers me more is that he can’t put aside whatever ‘s**t from work’ is to rub your neck for FIVE FREAKING MINUTES.”
“I’d say the following and then stand by it:”
“‘Hey, I need to talk to you, and I need you to listen to me like I am the woman you gave vows to, and who you care about a lot. Please let me finish without interrupting, and then we can have a discussion after that.'”
“‘Emotions are a completely normal thing, also, so if I get choked up or start to cry, I need you to be patient, let me feel those feelings, and wait for me to finish talking.'”
“‘I am due to give birth in a little over a month, but I could have this baby two weeks from now. There are women who go into labor much earlier than that as well, especially if they are under a high amount of stress.'”
“‘I say that because I need support, and right now, I have not been feeling supported at all. I understand that there are times in the day when you’re working that you can’t step away to help, but I need you to step up when there is time available, and maybe sometimes when there isn’t, because I am exhausted to a point where I am having trouble getting through the day. Please speak to your work/boss about needing flexibility to assist me throughout the day.'”
“‘I fear for my health and safety if things continue this way for much longer. The placenta complication I have can be life-threatening for our unborn baby and me if my body continues to be under this amount of stress.'”
“‘When I said I had a rough night the other day, what I meant is that I did not get to sleep at all between taking care of (21-month-old’s name) and the discomfort and pain I am in carrying (unborn baby’s name if you have one picked out).'”
“‘I need you right now, and I need you to understand the severity of my situation and what could happen to me if this extreme stress continues. I could go into preterm labor, have a placental abruption, develop pre-eclampsia, all of which are life-threatening to the baby and me and are very real possibilities.'”
“‘What I need from you to help me is to take care of (your first child) from 5:00 PM to 9:00 PM so that I can rest my body and try to get sleep during that time. We also had previously agreed that you’d take care of him at night so that he can get comfortable with the crib, and I can take care of the new baby when they arrive.'”
“‘I need us to start transitioning to that NOW. Baby will be here any day now, and I need you to see that and step up to help as you agreed to.'”
“(Please fill in what’s going to help you most and relieve stress the most. I’m just giving an example, please add more or change it as it will help you the most!!)”
“Then ask, ‘What is going to help you to be able to do this?'”
“If he cannot change anything to help you, tell him you need to hire a nanny to help you, since he is not able to, but you getting help is NOT optional.” – NeurodivergentGirl
Others were appalled by how the OP’s husband treated her and hoped she would leave.
“I’m sorry, but you should have stopped at baby number one with this bum.”
“This isn’t husband or father material. He probably wanted kids like a child wants a puppy. Excited at first, then checks out when they realize work is involved.” – ThirdAndDelaware
“He doesn’t like you. In fact, he actively dislikes you. You’re married to a man who wants nothing to do with you.”
“Unfortunately, this will continue and likely get worse (him cheating is likely in your future, too) if you don’t leave.” – Kuwaysah
“I am so sorry, OP, but this man does not like you, OP. He probably likes the emotional labor and care that you perform for him….but he doesn’t like YOU, or care about YOU. You have to learn the difference.” – KellieBorn
“He hates you. And he might have been up all night texting his side chick in the privacy of his own bedroom. Your toddler would get in the way of that.”
“I wish I were joking or being mean-spirited, but the likelihood that one or both of these things is true is high. He doesn’t care about or respect you. He is not a good man, partner, husband, or father.”
“You have probably been accepting and tolerating the bare minimum for a long time. You are taking on 100% of the burden of parenting, and he gets to show up for the easy or fun s**t.”
“Do you want to live like this?” – itsnotmeimnothere
“I’m a single mom, and I was when I was with my exes. Life is SOO much easier now that I’m raising my kids by myself. Your nervous system needs to heal, and you need to realize what you’re worth and what you deserve. This ain’t it.”
“You will a.) find someone better or b) stay single in peace. Both options are winners because you’re with a loser.”
“He doesn’t deserve you or those babies. NOR at all. You’re underreacting.”
“If you want to ‘try to make things work,’ please don’t do it ‘for the kids.’ You have to do it for you, and if you can’t think of a reason to do it for you (beyond it being ‘easier,’ which it’s not), that should tell you something.”
“Also, if he doesn’t get MASSIVELY better, then take those babies and find peace. It seems hard, but us single moms do it every day and never look back. What seems hard to me is people being in crap relationships while also juggling kids.” – ubekidnme
“NOR. Sorry, ‘dude.'”
“Seriously, who the f**k calls the mother of their children and the woman they married ‘dude’. He’s a knobhead.” – Responsible_Club_638
The subReddit was alarmed by how the OP was being treated and the care that she was not receiving while clearly in need.
If the OP’s husband did not straighten up, she might honestly be better off raising her children on her own, so she at least only has to care for three people instead of four and knew that she could depend on herself.