Telling people about tragedy is never easy.
It’s especially difficult to discuss tragedy and death with children.
The truth hurts, and in a lot of ways, the lies hurt worse.
So what is the best option?
Redditor Even_Procedure8329 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
“AITA for not telling my nephew where my fiancée is?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My (26 M[ale]) fiancée (25 F[emale]) is in a coma after a car accident.”
“When I went over to my nephew’s (6) birthday, he asked, ‘Where’s Auntie Jane?’ “
“My sister (30) asked me not to tell him since she didn’t want him to worry, so I lied. “
“I told him she’s on a trip.”
“Then I gave him the presents she got for him before the accident (a cap and a shirt), and presents from me.”
“My parents told both my sister and me off, saying, ‘What if she doesn’t wake up?’”
“That really upset me, but I tried to hide it from my nephew before leaving.”
“Didn’t want him to see me looking like that on his birthday.”
“It bothers me and scares me, knowing they might be right.”
“I just don’t know how to process and handle this.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So… AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. First of all, your sister is his parent, and she’s the one who gets to make that decision.”
“Second of all, where the hell do your parents get off???”
“What on god’s green Earth made them think that this was the time or the place to be calling you out over goddamn anything??”
“Where the hell is their support for you at a time like this…”
“I don’t care whether they disagree with the choice your sister made or not – but the fact that they thought that it was appropriate to give you sh*t over absolutely anything in this moment says how very little they care about you.” ~ KrofftSurvivor
“Hey, NTA.”
“But my a** was in a coma for two weeks, and I heard all the sh*t people were talking about me because they didn’t think I could hear, so please make sure everyone says nice things.” ~ Rosekun25
“The child is 6.”
“And it was his birthday.”
“Why would your parents want to traumatize him and ruin his special day?”
“NTA.” ~ Pun_Intended1703
“NTA. It was his birthday, and a six-year-old is going to have questions you don’t want to answer.”
“If your sister asked you not to tell him, you did right.”
“Your parents don’t get a say in how your sister chooses to parent her children, nor should they be making shi**y comments like that.”
“I’m really sorry you’re in this situation, and I hope she heals well.” ~ SuspiciousCod1090
“NTA. You followed your sister’s (whom I’m assuming is your nephew’s mother) lead.”
“Even if the worst happens, you don’t have that discussion with the child at their party.” ~ AmayaKatana
“You’re not an AH.”
“You’re a scared fiancé trying to hold it together at a kid’s birthday party.”
“A six-year-old doesn’t need the full weight of medical uncertainty right now.”
“What he does need is stability.”
“You gave him that in the moment.”
“The real focus should be on supporting you, not criticism.” ~ Bitter-Sundae4867
“NTA. Child’s parent made a judgment call, you complied, grandparents can give an opinion, but it’s still up to the parent to decide.” ~ JadedTraveller
“NTA, your nephew is 6.”
“He doesn’t need to know the details right now.”
“Your mum and sister are massive AH.”
“Why are they putting how your nephew will feel above how you will feel if she doesn’t wake up!”
“Your feelings are the most important in that situation as she’s your fiancée.”
“I’d be fuming that that’s their priority.”
“I’m sorry this has happened to you, and I hope she wakes up soon.”
“If the worst should happen, they can simply tell the nephew she had an accident.”
“He doesn’t need details at 6 years old.” ~ Puzzleheaded-Fig6418
“NTA. First, he is your nephew, not your son.”
“You don’t have the right or obligation to decide how much he knows about things that he isn’t directly connected to.”
“Second, it’s all about timing.”
“There is zero need to tell him possibly bad news about your fiancée on his birthday.”
“If there is a need to tell him, if things change or become otherwise obvious, he can be included as his parents see fit.”
“Otherwise, you can continue on the path his parents chose.”
“Note, not his grandparents, his parents.” ~ Snickerdoodle2021
“NTA. You and your family can be on the same page about what you say to a little guy.”
“Auntie is in the hospital because she‘s sick right now.”
“Just that and nothing more.”
“If he asks more questions, you can add that some people need nurses and doctors to help when they get sick, so they go to the hospital.”
“Keep it very simple.” ~ Needs_Perspective269
“You don’t have to lie.”
“You tell age-appropriate truth.”
“She’s had an accident and has an owie.”
“Or, she is in the hospital cuz she wasn’t feeling well.”
“If my nephew says, is she okay?”
“You say something like.”
“That’s the plan, or hopefully soon.”
“It’s like when a kid asks about babies, you don’t need to give them a sex ed course, you say, there’s a baby growing in mommy’s belly, and tread lightly from there.”
“However… NTA for wanting to protect him.” ~ kkrolla
“NAH – Your sister was just trying to protect her child on his birthday.”
“But she put you in a bad spot, asking you to lie to your nephew.”
“Your parents, with more experience, recognize that lying to a child isn’t always the best course of action.”
“That often the truth presented in an age-appropriate way is better.”
“However, what they said to you is extremely insensitive given the situation.”
“But don’t take it too personally.”
“You are all in a really tough situation right now.”
“Best wishes for your girlfriend’s recovery.” ~ Spiritual_Promise735
“NTA. No, he’s 6.”
“There’s no reason to put stress on anyone and upset him on his birthday.”
“I do think telling him is a good idea in general, but at his birthday party would not be appropriate.”
“I don’t even know that that would be appropriate for adults; most people would give the courtesy of calling ahead in that case.” ~ Exilicauda
“NTA – his birthday isn’t the right time to tell him.”
“His Mom and Dad can sit him down after and explain it to them.” ~ arsooetica028
“You were asked to be deceptive.”
“You agreed.”
“The circumstances warrant it.”
“Then those who asked you were upset that the deception might not look good for them later.”
“Whelp…”
“NTA. Not even the same postcode.” ~ littlegreenrock
“NTA. I personally might not have specified a trip – I would’ve just said she wasn’t able to come today – but at that age, I think you’re good.”
“That’s a heavy situation for a six-year-old to try to process at any time, let alone their birthday, and if the decision is made to tell the child the truth.”
“A special time needs to be set aside to go through the information in a kid-appropriate way with time for questions, because you know there are going to be some.”
“A birthday party isn’t even close to that time.” ~ MissKaterinaRoyale
“The fact that they thought that telling a six-year-old that somebody they care about is in the hospital and in a coma during their birthday party is…interesting. NTA.” ~ babybug98
“NTA. He is 6.”
“No need to tell him anything until it’s necessary.”
“My friend was in a coma for 8 days after a serious accident.”
“She will wake up.”
“Hang in there.” ~ Longjumping-Pick-706
“NTA, but your parents are. How uncaring of them to say that to you when you were kind enough to go to the party at all.”
“Are they always this judgmental and heartless towards you?”
“I hope that she comes out of her coma soon and makes a full recovery.” ~ ooragnak_ume
“NTA. I am really sorry your family is adding stress to your life instead of supporting you; they really suck at this moment.”
“I see absolutely nothing wrong in not upsetting your nephew on his birthday.”
“Why tie the emotions of fear and confusion to his birthday?”
“You did him a kindness.”
“Your parents can pound sand.” ~ Laines_Ecossaises
“NTA—If your fiancée doesn’t wake up, you and your sister can tell your nephew the next time he asks that she’s in the hospital (or she’s passed) because she was in a terrible car accident.”
“You shouldn’t go into detail, and you don’t have to be specific about when the accident happened.”
“He will never know that you were hiding the truth at the birthday party.”
“Your parents are 100% wrong for thinking that hiding the truth on his birthday was wrong.”
“Why spoil his birthday unnecessarily?”
“I wouldn’t burden a kid with this worry and sadness until it becomes unavoidable.”
“But it should really be your sister’s call.” ~ Present_Ad1553
“NAH. Probably, this question is best asked of a parenting subreddit because whether or not to tell a child that someone close to them is in a coma depends on many things, including that child’s maturity and their parents’ ability and willingness to help said child deal with this matter.”
“Your mother is right: if your fiancée doesn’t wake up, you’ll have a bigger mess to deal with. However, no one knows what will happen.”
“Here’s hoping that your mother is wrong.” ~ Individual_Ad_9213
“NTA. It’s up to the kids’ mom/parents to decide what to tell them and when.”
“Your parents don’t need to be butting in either.”
“Kiddo’s parents know when the right time to tell him, and what kind of info to give.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong.” ~ LadyHorseFace13
Reddit is here for you, OP.
What a sad situation.
It sounds like you did right by your nephew.
Hopefully, your fiancée will be able to talk to him herself.
Sending thoughts and prayers.