Planning a wedding is meant to be fun.
It’s a JOYOUS time, and celebration is key.
But a wedding is a big event!
No matter how low-key you want to make the party, it still takes planning and work to pull off.
It’s an all-hands-on-deck scenario.
Redditor Right_Aardvark_4467 found herself in a personal dilemma regarding her lazy fiancé and their upcoming wedding ceremony, so she turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
She asked:
“AITAH for telling my fiancé that his lack of effort with wedding planning makes me not want to have kids?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“Me (22 F[emale]) and my fiancé (22 M[ale]) are currently planning our wedding, which is now about 6 months away.”
“Although we both want to get married, I originally didn’t want to have a big traditional wedding for many reasons.”
“Most importantly, because I am very busy right now working full time and going to college to get my Bachelor’s degree, and don’t have a lot of free time to plan.”
“We had many discussions about whether or not to have a wedding like he wanted, or to elope/ have a very small celebration with only immediate family, like I wanted.”
“There were many tears (mostly from me), but I finally caved and agreed to a big wedding.”
“I made it clear that I still had reservations about having a big wedding, but that I didn’t want to take that experience away from him or disappoint his family by not including them.”
“I have done basically all of the planning so far, even though I have continuously begged my fiancé to put in more effort to help me.”
“It’s not that he doesn’t have preferences about the wedding either- he has very strong opinions and would be upset if I made decisions without him.”
“He’s just not willing to start tasks unless I remind him about it for weeks first.”
“This has led to me spending many hours of extra effort and research so I can present him with options to help me choose between so that anything will get done on time.”
“I have spent the time doing this research/wedding planning instead of relaxing after long days of work and school, while he has spent his free time playing video games or doing things he enjoys.”
“We have had many arguments about this, and every time he apologizes, promises he’ll do more, and has even told me to take a break from planning, and he’ll take care of it.”
“I even have an entire spreadsheet with all of the tasks that need to be done/when they should be done by, so it really isn’t hard for him to pick up a task or 2 when he has time after work or on weekends.”
“This weekend, I asked him if he planned to do any wedding planning since we are getting behind on our list.”
“He told me yes, of course he was.”
“On Sunday night, I checked in again to see if he got anything done over the weekend, and he says that he didn’t, but he’s sorry and will do some this week.”
“Here’s where I may be the a**hole: Because we are getting married soon, we have recently been talking more about our lives together, including whether or not we want kids.”
“We both agree that we don’t want kids- probably ever or at least not for a while- but that it could be a possibility in the future.”
“I was so frustrated that I told him that his behavior makes me not want to consider ever having kids with him.”
“He was taken aback and asked if I really felt that way.”
“I told him that yes, I do feel that way and have been thinking about it for a while.”
“If he is unwilling to do even small tasks for a wedding that he wanted without being nagged/reminded over and over again, I can’t trust that I wouldn’t have to constantly remind him to do tasks for potential future children.”
“Although I was mostly upset about the wedding planning, I also pointed out a few other household chores/tasks where this has been an ongoing issue.”
“I told him that I felt this was a pattern of behavior for him and I’d be happy to reconsider if he can step up in these areas (long-term, consistently, and without reminders).”
“He went to sleep without telling me goodnight and has not talked to me since.”
“I understand that what I said was harsh, but I meant what I said and feel like he deserves to know how I feel about this.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So… AITAH?”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was NOT the A**hole here.
“Your instincts are spot on.”
“His refusal to help with wedding planning is a huge red flag relative to contributing equally to other tasks that should be shared, including and especially those that have to do with parenting.”
“If he doesn’t step up to the plate with wedding prep, then you probably should reconsider the relationship, or at least be prepared to assume most of the responsibilities with housekeeping and childcare. NTA.” ~ calacmack
“Do not marry him.”
“He likes the idea of having a wife and children, but he will never be a husband or Dad.” ~ WavesnMountains
“The same way he likes the idea of having a wedding, provided someone else does all the labor, yep.” ~ AgonistPhD
“He wants a wife, but he has no intention of being a husband.”
“Do not marry this man.”
“Your thoughts about him as a father are your instincts screaming at you to run before you’re legally/financially intertwined with him.” ~ room32a
“I second this.”
“He is SHOWING you, in real time, what life is going to be like with him.”
“He wants all the trappings of a wedding, a marriage, and kids without having to put in any of the work.”
“He will NEVER step up.”
“Your best bet at this point is to either cancel the wedding altogether, or postpone it until HE can plan and execute the wedding HE wanted HIMSELF.”
“Anything less than that, and he will see you as a doormat.” ~ JustMe518
“Exactly this.”
“I would stop reminding him more than once, and wait for the wedding not to happen at all.”
“Tell him once, and no more.”
“Nothing will actually get done, and the wedding will need to be postponed.” ~ hollyjazzy
“Exactly!!! OP, behold, your future.”
“Love and sex are wonderful, but they don’t fold the laundry, take out the trash, take the kids to baseball practice, stick up for you when your judgy AF S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw] makes the holidays a nightmare… really think about whether or not you want to be the one carrying this relationship.” ~ ThePythiaofApollo
“You can just tell that he will want and pressure her for kids in the way he pressured her for the big wedding that he’s done zero work to produce.”
“Run OP run! NTA!” ~ sikonat
“This is why I’m getting divorced.”
“I actually told someone recently that my ex loved the idea of being a husband and father more than he liked BEING a husband and father.”
“Guess who’s spent four hours with his kids in the past 2 weeks!”
“Yep, the guy who really wanted a fourth child!” ~ txgrl308
“My first husband was like this.”
“He was super excited about the idea of being a husband and father, but he was annoyed if he was actually expected to do anything, like being nice to his wife or watching his son for 5 minutes, etc.”
“One time, I put the baby down for a nap and needed to run to the store, and me leaving him with a sleeping child in the house was unacceptable.”
“If the baby woke up before I got back, he would be required to actually interact with him, and that was too much effort.” ~ Bird_Brain4101112
“Don’t marry him! He’s showing you right now who he is, and you’re incompatible.”
“You’ll spend your whole married life bugging him to do the bare minimum, and he’ll give you a fake apology and an empty promise so you can rinse and repeat.”
“Please cancel everything and focus on yourself OP, you don’t deserve to carry the load of a deadbeat for your whole life.” ~ Feisty-Body-
“They should have had the conversation about the children long before now.”
“They’re doing this backwards.”
“I would recommend OP stop enabling him by doing the wedding planning.”
“Just stop.”
“If he wants to get married, tell him what day you’ll be at the courthouse.”
“End of story.”
“But I would not be working so hard on something he wants unless it was for a birthday surprise.” ~ Beneficial-Way-8742
“You’re not an a**hole here – but if I were you I’d consider the marriage as a whole – HE wanted the big wedding but is making YOU do all the work.”
“You’re compromised for what he wanted, and then he f**ked off… if he’s not interested in planning, then why should you be?
“Seems to me he’s a giant a**hole and this is a big old red flag.” ~ SignificantCicada156
OP came back to chat…
“To give more context to how we manage other household responsibilities: he cooks dinner and does grocery shopping/planning, I do the cleaning (other than he does his own laundry and is expected to pick up after himself in main areas).”
“I really don’t enjoy cooking, and so I clean instead.”
“Another task where this behavior has been an issue is cleaning the cat’s litterbox.”
“It is supposed to be a shared task, but I end up doing it all the time.”
“Although, to be fair, he does feed our cat most of the time twice per day.”
Reddit is concerned for you, OP.
This behavior is a problem.
He needs to step up, and quickly.
You weren’t trying to be malicious.
You just doled out some much-needed truth.
Stay strong and Good Luck.