Appeasing family can be a heavy burden.
Some people cannot help but be people pleasers.
This issue can cause some heavy issues in relationships with significant others.
Choosing between family and a lover is an impossible scenario for many.
Redditor Big_Juice_5290 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
“AITA for calling out my wife after our ‘dream Japan trip’ turned into a personal shopping service for her family?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“So Japan has been my dream destination as far as I (36 M[ale]) can remember.”
“I grew up on Dragon Ball Z and then over time picked up interests in a lot of anime as well, and always saw Japan as this country living in 2040 while we’re all lagging behind.”
“I’m currently on a trip with my spouse (35 F[emale]) and her friends(3 of them).”
“Her closest friend adores her obviously and doesn’t question how the itinerary has been panning out.”
“The other 2 people are also nice enough not to call anything out from what I’ve been seeing.”
“So basically my B[rother]-I[n]-L[aw] + S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw] (very well to do) wanted a bunch of stuff from Japan.”
“Whether my wife offered or imposed, I don’t know.”
“My wife’s love language with her family is acts of servitude for sure – so going out of the way to get stuff for them usually flies.”
“This time, though, we’ve gone on a trip with a bunch of other friends, and I just spent the entire day getting a turn card to visit this Onitsuka store in Ginza (for my brother-in-law) and then planning the rest of the day for all of us around this place so we could pick up the shoes.”
“It’s not such a hard custom job to do – they sew in 4 letters on each shoe (being from India, it seems like something any basic tailor can do for us). “
“We left around 10 in the morning, and now it’s 19.31 – I’m sitting in a store waiting for the thing.”
“With my sister-in-law, she wanted a bag from a luxury brand, and Japan being great for second-hand high-quality stuff, we visited a number of stores from the day we landed to finally pick up one with the grade that fit what she was looking for.”
“This meant going to different stores, calling her, showcasing the stuff to her on video call, and then getting the yay or nay.”
“Obviously, they’re well-to-do, so they’ll pay us back for the items we sourced.
“We had to spend the entire day around this area, so I finally asked the others to go back to the hotel and head to an area of anime and gaming.”
“By the time we got free (just me and her), the area that I wanted to go to had closed.”
“At this point, I told the others who’d reached the hotel to come meet us at a tower.”
“Now, after the pickup of the shoe, I told her that I’m gonna tell her family that this doesn’t fly.”
“And that I don’t give a s**t what they think when I say it, and I’m 100% will tell them.”
“She then flipped it on me that how f**king dare I call her family sh*t (I didn’t) and that this is her family, she cares deeply about them, and I have no right to say this to them.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“Am I the a**hole? Or should I just confront them?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP WAS the A**hole.
“YTA to yourself.”
“‘Have fun shopping. I’ll go to x’ is an easy enough thing to say and do.”
“Don’t sit in.”
“Department store and build up resentment.”
“Go and have fun.”
“People can join you if they want.”
“You’re done shopping.” ~ allyearswift
“1000% this.”
“‘YTA to yourself.’”
“Boundaries are not things we tell other people to do; they are limits we set for ourselves.”
“If you don’t want to do sthg, don’t do it.”
“If you don’t want to go out of your way shopping for her family, just don’t, and use the phrases from this helpful commenter 👆🏼 to excuse yourself and let your partner do her thing.”
“If that ends up happening so much that you feel like you’re not spending time with her, then talk about your need for quality time if it becomes an issue.”
“You don’t need to shut down other people’s way of doing things, just take full responsibility for ya self.” ~ Skate-wench
“INFO I’m confused, if this is your dream holiday, why are you only now finding out the itinerary?”
“Why have you not planned what you’re doing yourself?”
“If you left your wife to plan the trip for you and are only now telling her you’re not happy with it.”
“I would say YTA, on the other hand, if you did plan out an itinerary that ensured you got to go where you wanted to, then I don’t understand why your wife choosing to go run errands should prevent you from following it?”
“I also don’t understand why this wasn’t a discussion when you first found out, like why not say ‘No, I don’t want to do that’ and then just not do it?”
“You’re an adult, she can’t force you to traipse all over to shops for her family, you can just go and do something else.”
“She might be an AH if she agreed to do this stuff without talking to you about it first and then expected you to tag along, but if she’s genuinely happy to spend her time this way and not expecting or demanding you to join her, then I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.”
“She might not be super interested in the anime/gaming stuff you want to see.”
“You should have talked to each other and agreed on a plan.” ~ procrastinatorgirl
“YTA. Let her shop.”
“Go do what you want to do.”
“Don’t badmouth her family, it’s HER decision to spend this time shopping.”
“THEY are not the problem-leave them out of this.”
“Did you not have an itinerary for visiting different places?”
“Follow it.”
“She will miss some things, but that’s her choice.”
“Next time, build in some shopping days into your trip so you’re not mad about it.”
“OR just go do your thing and meet back for dinners on her shopping days.”
“No reason to get angry over this or drag her family in.” ~ underwater_owl
“YTA to yourself, go separate during the day to enjoy what you want while she shops for her family, problem solve!” ~ Gullible_Bar_7019
‘”TA, because you didn’t say anything or ask any questions about the day until you blew up at her and insulted her family.”
“You don’t even know if she wanted to do this herself or if they asked her.”
“You had to communicate before you blow up at your partner.” ~ thenexttimebandit
“YTA. I think that what you should have done is if your wife wanted to buy items to bring home to your brother-in-law and sister-in-law, then you should have let her go off on her own to find these items, while you and her friends did other things.” ~ mpurdey12
OP came back to chat…
“Yes, the itinerary was established, but it kept changing on the fly every time we saw a second-hand store or an Onitsuka store.”
“So priorities were changing too quickly for my comfort.”
“The trip is 10 days long.”
“2 guys and 3 girls.”
“Only 2 girls are in for the shopping at full steam (one of them does window shopping only).”
“We’re Indian, and my wife isn’t super independent – and culturally it’ll get a lot of backlash from the family if I leave her to go by myself.”
“Second time in Tokyo – had previously come for work, was a very broke young adult, so did all the sights on foot across the city, and company per-diem helped me try out a lot of the food before.”
“There are food spots in the itinerary that we are trying to hit, but not all work out due to the constant pull from the BIL/SIL.”
“Yes, have hit cultural spots – not yet museum since none of the others are interested (sticking around for the common Good of the group to steer things to tourism).”
“Will add more edits for the queries I see.”
“Final update…”
“Thank you to the folks who reached out and gave suggestions of places I could head to out on my own to make my trip fulfilling.”
“People attacking me for mentioning anime and Japan being in 2040 while being closer to 40; I don’t know what to say 😅 we all have our passions, yes, there were more reasons than anime for Japan – food, sakura season, war that grounded most flights heading west from India.”
“And it doesn’t matter what your age is, if you like something – go for it.”
“Today, my wife wanted to head to a cafe, but I broke off and headed to Akhibara with the other dude – we went through watch shops, arcades, and bonded over gaming + anime.”
“Wife was pissed for an hour or 2, but came around once she joined up with us and saw that the electric city is actually pretty cool.”
“Addressing this separately – 2040?”
“Because I’m from India and we’re still in a pretty terrible state, so seeing such a connected, technologically forward country is awesome.”
“Like the Maglev trains are still probably 50 or more years away for us.”
“Understand that this is a pretty common scenario that plays out on trips with a lot of people sharing their experiences, and yes, I could’ve handled it better.”
“When the trip started to revolve around their needs instead of us actually being tourists, is when I snapped.”
“I intend to set clear boundaries with the in-laws in the future, asking them to order stuff to our hotel only for pickup and not having us run around the country for them.”
This has been quite the journey, OP.
But it sounds like you’re all figuring it out.
Go and have fun.
Don’t overthink it.