“In sickness and in health” is a phrase that we all know and associate with long-term and married couples who promise to be there for each other through anything.
But when the going gets tough, some people really fall flat in their commitment to their partner, cringed the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor PuzzleheadedTooth255 had to have surgery, and because it wasn’t an incredibly major or complicated surgery, her husband decided to entertain his mother, who was visiting town, instead of waiting in the hospital for his wife.
But when he stopped showing up at the hospital and didn’t even respond to her calls when she was discharged from the hospital, the Original Poster (OP) didn’t feel safe to go home and heal there.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for refusing to recover at home after surgery?”
The OP knew that her husband had a special relationship with his mother.
“I (29 Female) am really disappointed with my husband (30 Male) and furious at his mother (hag-aged Female).”
“For context, my husband is from the West Coast, where his mother still lives. He moved to the East Coast for college, and that’s where we met (after graduation). At the start of our relationship, she would visit three or four times a year and make him take PTO so he could entertain her throughout her visit.”
“After two years of this (while we were still dating), I asked him how we were ever meant to go on a vacation together, if his PTO was spent at home with his visiting mother? We agreed to save PTO for a trip to Europe we took in 2023, and he agreed to tell his mother he couldn’t take off from work every time she visited.”
“In my last job, I was able to work from home four days a week, and every time she visited, she sulked all day like a puppy who’s had her toys taken away. But once my husband came home, a switch flicked, and she was happy (and clingy) again.”
When the OP needed to have surgery, her husband made his priorities obvious.
“So here’s the issue now: My husband and I moved states about six months ago, closer to my family. I have a new doctor who recommended me for surgery that my old doctor kept putting off. It’s not a complicated procedure, and it will greatly increase my quality of life for decades.”
“My mother-in-law decided she’s due for a visit and wants to explore our new town, and she said she’d come ‘to help around the house while [OP] recovers.'”
“I’m going to be out of surgery and in pain, and I really don’t want to put up with her energy. However, we agreed, with my husband saying this isn’t a sightseeing visit, she’s here to help out (cook, clean, laundry, etc) so I can rest and recover. She can come for a proper visit later in the year.”
“My husband dropped me off at the hospital on Wednesday. It was meant to be surgery, and then one night at the hospital for observations.”
“On Thursday, the doctor told me my labs were not where he’d like them to be, and I should stay another night for observation and new lab work in the morning. I called my husband and told him that I’d hopefully be home the next day, over the phone, in the early afternoon. He did not visit on Thursday at all.”
The OP’s husband was even more absent on Friday than he was on Thursday.
“On Friday, I was discharged and called my husband to tell him that I’d be ready in about an hour. It went straight to voicemail, and I figured he’s probably in a meeting, and I’d try again in a little bit.”
“After calling a few times over the course of over an hour, I called my sister, who was lucky enough to be excused from work for the afternoon (many thanks to her understanding boss).”
“She drove 90 minutes to get me, took me home, and we found the house was in shambles. There were laundry baskets on the dining room table, the litter box had not been cleaned since Wednesday morning when I did it, and there were days of dirty plates in the sink, etc.”
“I just broke down crying. She packed me a bag and took me to her apartment to recover for two weeks.”
“On Friday night, my husband called me asking me where I was and that the hospital said I was already discharged. He had been on a hike with his mother, and there was no cell phone service, so he missed my calls, which also meant he took PTO for his mom’s visit again.”
“Obviously, I can’t ban him from taking PTO, but wouldn’t you rather spend that freed-up time with your wife at the hospital instead of on a date with your mom?”
The OP advocated for herself, which her husband did not appreciate.
“I told him that I no longer feel comfortable recovering in our house, and I won’t be returning until it’s thoroughly cleaned and his mother is gone.”
“He’s calling me the AH because his mother just wanted to get to know our new area, and I wasn’t able to leave the hospital, anyway, and that I was making a big deal out of this.”
“I yelled that he essentially abandoned me at the hospital and entertained someone whose being here was to help make a recovery easier, not more stressful and that she was here for support, not on vacation.”
“Maybe it’s just the pain and pain meds, but am I in the wrong here? Is this a stupid hill to die on?”
“There’s a part of me telling me to see a divorce lawyer just to see what my options are because I’m not sure this will ever change. I know this is going to sound incredibly selfish, but I want kids, but I now don’t see myself having any with my husband in the foreseeable future.”
“And if this isn’t going to work out, I don’t want to spend the next five years wasting time and money on therapy and not traveling and missing a chance to find someone I actually can start a family with, someone who can be a committed father and husband before he’s a son.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that her husband had abandoned her when she needed him most.
“GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN.”Â
“He doesn’t see anything wrong with what he’s done. I read some stories about women whose husbands have basically left them during delivery to be with their mother… This is NOT a good situation for you.”
“Trust your gut, because it’s being really d**n clear.” – Technical-Elk-9277
“WHAT THE FLYING F**K?”
“HE IS THE A**HOLE.”
“HIS MOTHER IS THE A**HOLE.”
“YOU ARE NOT AN A**HOLE.”
“(No, I didn’t fall on caps lock, I am mad.)”
“NTA.”
“Additional: This is not a stupid hill to die on. You’re dying alone on that hill. Because your husband will be hiking with his mother around the hill and ignore you.”
“Go and see a lawyer.”
“He left you when you needed him the most.” – Muss_ich_bedroom
“I had a similar experience after open heart surgery with my ex-husband (tho it was not because of his mother but because of his band and general selfishness).”
“I still remember leaning down to scoop cat litter three weeks after that surgery and how it was the hardest thing I had ever done. My ex-husband watched me do it from the couch. I still married him a few months later, but I couldn’t get over it. We divorced.”
“When I had my most recent heart surgery, my (now) husband took better care of me than my own mother would have, and it changed the way I love him forever in the very best of ways. I hope you keep choosing yourself over this momma’s boy.” – BigElephant2358
“Mommy probably told him she really had to get fresh air and ‘don’t worry, the OP will be fine.’ The house should have been spotless, and he and his mother should have been prioritizing OP.”
“OP answers her own question in the last couple of paragraphs: having a kid with this guy and any hope of vacation or being prioritized is basically not going to happen. It will suck to leave, but it beats the alternative.”
“He and mommy will make OP to be the villain, like, ‘she left me because I love my mommy!’ But anyone who has dealt with a MIL like this will empathize. Tell him to get on the plane with her when she leaves.” – ndiasSF
“She should leave him as he proved he didn’t even think enough about her to stay in signal range when he thought she was coming home. He left the house a disaster, as his maid would be coming back.”
“I blame him, not the MIL, though. The MIL can only behave this way because he lets her. Mine would be like this woman, if she were allowed. My husband won’t have it.”
“She upset me, and he refused to speak to her for seven weeks until she apologized to me. She sent him messages, trying to resume normal contact, and some that she was sorry.”
“He replied every time with, ‘Until you apologize to my wife for what you said to her, I have nothing to say to you.’ Every time she has tried to overstep, he has called her on it.”
“OP’s husband will never put her or any hypothetical children first. He’s already established that his mum is his priority, not OP and their life together.” – redheadedsweetie
Others encouraged the OP to move in with her sister indefinitely and take her cat with her.
“NTA. Mommy’s boy could even be bothered to visit you in the hospital? This is DEFINITELY the hill to die on. Cut your losses and leave him to his mommy.” – Working-Dependent33
“And kudos to the sister who did all the right things.”
“Leave and take the cat.” – LovedAJacka**Once
“Are either of them even noticing the cat’s needs? Yikes! Why are we not talking about the cat more?”
“OP wants to have kids with this man. What diaper is he gonna change if he can’t even clean a litter box? Time to go, OP.” – Turbulent-Arm-8592
“He left you alone in the hospital.”Â
“He went somewhere without cell service when he knew you were being discharged.”
“He didn’t call you back until that night, HOURS after you were meant to be discharged.”
“This man is ridiculous, and that is unforgivable. Let his mom have him. You are not overreacting thinking about divorce, and you are definitely NTA.”
“From the way you wrote your post, your sister did not hesitate for a SECOND to pack a bag for you and take you to her home, an hour and a half away, on a day that she would have been working if your husband did his job and took care of you.”
“Get a fresh start with her. She won’t mind; she won’t see you as a burden; I bet she’ll cheer you on. Just make sure you have your cat. They deserve better than that momma’s boy, too.” – YouKnowYouKnowCrazy
“I would make my sister my medical person of contact literally as soon as possible.”
“What if something went sideways during surgery?! What is the hospital gonna be like, well, he’s on a hike/nature date with mom out of cell service, so let’s wait while OP is bleeding out from a nicked artery or whatever for him to get around to calling us when it’s convenient for him… like, what the actual f**k?!”
“And what if you had complications from the surgery and had to go back to the hospital? Would these two id**t love birds even be at the house to drive you or pick up the phone if you called? Doubt it! They’ll be too busy wasting future-ex’s PTO on mommy dreadful’s whims.”
“I rarely suggest divorce, but this is worthy of that course of action. I’m furious for you, OP.” – sulking_crepeshark77
After receiving feedback, the OP shared a brief update.
“Many thanks to anyone who’s read all of this. I stepped away for a while and came back to a lot of support.”
“I think it’s time to put my big girl pants on, unfortunately.”
The subReddit applauded the OP for standing up for herself and was grateful her sister was willing to help her in a way that her marriage clearly was not.
To them, it was obviously time for the OP to get a fresh start with her sister and her cat.
The husband had all the support he needed; it just would have been more convenient if he’d realized that he didn’t even need to move out of his parent’s house to find it.