Woman Shamed For Excluding Adopted Nephew With Behavior Issues From Trip With Nieces

I'm two years younger than my older sister and five years older than my younger sister. That makes it a seven year gap between my two sisters.

When my older sister was 13, our younger sister was only 6. Unsurprisingly, their interests at those ages didn't overlap very much.

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Would it be playing favorites or excluding my younger sister to plan an activity with just my older sister and I? I don't think so, so long as there are also things done focused on the youngest child.

An aunt grappling with the fairness of a girls' day out turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.

Auntinagony asked:

"AITA for taking my biological nieces on days out and excluding my adopted nephew?"

The original poster (OP) explained:

"I (42, female) have two nieces Flo (14, female), Ivy (11, female) and a nephew Ryan (10, male) through my brother Tom (46, male) and sister-in-law (SIL) Kate (45,  female). Flo and Ivy are biologically theirs and they adopted Ryan two years ago after fostering him for three years."

"I live locally to them, we are super close usually and have my own daughter Ava (12, female) who my nieces are close to."

"Before foster care, Ryan's life was awful and he has some behavioural and developmental issues. He struggles to sit through long things such as shows quietly, whether it be in the theatre or the girls' plays/ recitals so the girls rarely have both parents supporting them."

"His behaviour is sometimes pretty unpredictable and he sometimes has pretty loud and physical meltdowns so they have to be careful where they take him. As such whenever me/hubby take Ava to the theatre or other activities which Ryan wouldn't like, we bring the girls along too."

"Sometimes Tom and Kate pay for them, sometimes we do. We have never bought Ryan out without his parents and sisters because he has really different interests to the girls, I don't feel confident handling his behaviour and Flo and Ivy have expressed that they really value the Ryan-free time."

"I've made extra effort to be there since then; Ryan's a great kid but he needs a lot of attention and my nieces need people who are 100% in their corner."

"Anyways, I am taking the girls to a Christmas theme park in London on Friday. It's quite an expensive one (UK readers, if you know, you know) and I have the joy of footing the bill for all three."

"On Sunday, I got a call from Kate asking if Ryan could come with us on Friday. He had seen adverts and heard the girls talking about it, and wants to go."

"She offered to pay for whatever he did. I told Kate no as I didn't know what he was like in crowds, she said he went two years ago and loved it, and his sisters were there to help him if he was struggling."

"I said that wasn't fair on them, I booked it as a girl's trip and it is supposed to be a treat and I don't want it getting cut short and I don't feel comfortable parentifying the girls. I know Tom's taking Ryan to London next week so told Kate to book tickets on that day, but by that point she wasn't listening."

"She criticised me for insinuating siblings caring for each other was parentifying, and accused me of being ableist as Ryan can't help his conditions and shouldn't be excluded, as well has being biased against the kid I'm not related to."

"It got very fiery and ended with me saying read the room, it's a girl's day and her hanging up."

"Anyways, she went to the girls and said either they ask me for Ryan to come or they can't go."

"Flo texted me begging to not let him come and asking if they can still join us, while Ivy is more torn up as she doesn't want her brother to be left out, but also doesn't want to risk her day being ruined."

"My mother, Tom and sister have contacted me saying I should bring Ryan as to not show favourites and to be inclusive. Husband is on my side."

"AITA?"

The OP later added.

"Tom, Kate and my husband are all working the day of the trip. I took PTO and Kate and Tom had childcare arranged already for Ryan."

"I do spend quality time with Ryan. We live a 15 minute walk away,  so we go to their house often. Me and Ryan—and Tom if he's around—build a lot of Lego as it's a shared hobby and I get him a new set every birthday and Christmas, and it's a running joke as he spends a lot of time guessing which one."

"I like this quality time as it's accessible and his parents are around. I just book days out around my daughter's interests, which happen to be the exact opposite of his."

"She's a really artsy girly girl who likes the theatre, shopping, museums, movie nights and slumber parties while he's into Lego, video games and anything martial arts."

The OP summed up their situation.

"I take out my nieces and not my nephew who has behavioural issues, which may make me the a**hole for showing favourites between my niblings."

Redditors weighed in by declaring:

• NTA - Not The A**hole
• YTA - You're The A**hole
• NAH - No A**holes Here
• ESH - Everyone Sucks Here

Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).

"NTA. I have a 'Ryan' who is my biological son. I have a daughter who needs time away and when we all go away, she gets put on hold because of his needs."

"It's not right and we are making changes now. The parents should reconize and offer to come and help or let their daughters have their own time."

"Being a sibling of a special needs child is very hard. Family time is amazing and alone time is also needed or they will grow resentment!" ~ TJ671BE

"NTA. You're right—Flo and Ivy need someone in their corner and are lucky to have an aunt who takes them to do stuff their brother can not. Are their parents usually not in their corner? And are they parentified?" ~ jigsawsandroses

"As the mother of an intellectually disabled daughter, I wish someone would explain to your sister-in-law (I don't know how she would take it, coming from you), that she isn't doing Ryan any favors by excusing his behavior."

"The cause of it is a reason, but shouldn't be an excuse. They need to teach Ryan how to function in society as independently as possible. They won't be around forever, and his sisters shouldn't be considered his future caregivers."

"In the meantime, if his mom really wants him to go, she could possibly accompany him. She needs to be there to support him; this is a fun outing for the kids, his sisters shouldn't have to work. The work of teaching any child good behavior rests on the parents. NTA." ~ mjw217

"Winter Wonderland is loud and crowded. Is that really a good place for 1 adult to be taking a teen and 3 kids, 1 with behavioural issues?"

"If Kate wants Ryan to join in, she should at least come along to be an extra supervising adult." ~ hawkisgirl

"NTA. I notice that Kate didn't offer to have her or Tom come with and make sure Ryan does okay, which would have allayed all of your concerns."

"It doesn't sound like Kate has expressed an issue with you taking the girls and not Ryan before, so it's not fair for her to lay down ultimatums now for an event that she already agreed to and that was already planned, and it was very inappropriate for her to tell her daughters that they have to ask you if Ryan can come or they can't go."

"Either she can say no to them going without him or let them go, but she shouldn't put her kids in the middle like that." ~ lawfox32

"I am the mother of a child like Ryan, and he has four siblings. My older brother and sister-in-law take my older boys out for fun, social things, but they don't feel comfortable taking him in case he has a meltdown."

"And I totally understand—they don't know how to handle that situation!

"I understand Ryan's mom feeling bad about him being left out, but what I don't understand is why she would be comfortable allowing a child who sometimes needs extra help to go out with someone who isn't properly trained/comfortable in his needs."

"I'll also add: my son is the youngest and I can't imagine ever putting him in a situation where his brothers would be responsible to help him through it without myself or their father."

"NTA—I'm so sorry you've been put in a tough spot, and I'm especially sorry for the girls. I hope you all get your girls day!" ~ Impressive_Bat3090

"NTA. I'm a Behavior Specialist and I work with kids and teens in a mental health setting. It's okay to know your limits for supporting Ryan if a meltdown should occur! As the parent, Kate or Tom should be there to support Ryan and manage behavior."

"I understand where the strong feelings from other people come from — as an adopted kid myself I understand the nuance here. However, in this instance it would be unfair to Ryan to put him in a potentially overwhelming situation without proper adult support. That's essentially setting him and yourself up for failure."

"There's more layers to this obviously. But from strictly the standpoint of this situation and whether or not you are the asshole for not bringing Ryan, my professional opinion is NTA!" ~ robinhoodrxx

The OP provided an update.

"Thank you to everyone who commented. Sh*t has hit the fan basically."

"Your comments made me realise that I am right to not bring Ryan. It's not safe with just me, and especially after reading comments from people who have special needs children/siblings who have had to pull all children out of days out as there hasn't been enough adults."

"I'm not doing that. The girls also deserve to do the things that they want."

"I will also make a conscious effort to do stuff with Ryan. I'm going to suggest to Tom that me and him take him to Legoland when it reopens in the Spring."

"A recap of characters: me, my 12-year-old daughter Ava, my brother Tom, his wife Kate, and their kids Flo (14), Ivy (11) and Ryan (10). The new players are my husband Ben (43, male), mine and Tom's younger sister Mia (40, female) and my mum (70, female), who we will just call mum."

"I do spend quality time with Ryan—I just don't take him on days out. We both love Lego, which Ava doesn't, so it's great to have someone to bond with over that."

"And as we live a 15 minute walk alway, we see each other quite often. It's usually at their house as it's easier shepherding one kid rather than three."

"Sometimes he'll pick to hang with the girls, where they will play an activity they all enjoy like MarioKart, but most of the time he'll pick to hang with me."

"He is one of those kids who thrives hanging more with adults than other children, which is why his parents previously endorsed the girl's days as it meant they get 2:1 time with him."

"He gets on with his sisters, as they are both super calm and kind girls, but most of his meltdowns arise from confrontation with other kids, or his sisters wanting to do something that he doesn't like."

"Some examples include Flo playing music in her room or them picking a movie he doesn't want to watch—obviously when they do a vote, the girls' pick usually wins as there's two of them."

"And he gets stressed out a lot by other kids at school. Kate and Tom encourage the girls to be empathetic and let him have his way, but I think this means the girls sometimes lose out."

"He's got some friends at school who he has frequent playdates with, especially when the girls are out of the house, and he's friends with Mia's two sons who are 10 and 8."

"He sometimes gets invites to go to laser tag with them, but they live slightly further away and as it's on weekends, Tom or Kate are always there as they have to take him."

"Back to the update. My husband Ben walked Ava to school today, and Flo and Ivy go to the same school. In the UK, the first year of secondary school is when the kid is 11/12, so Ryan is at primary school still, joining the girls next September."

"Flo was waiting by the gates (the girls walk themselves since Flo is 14) and asked to talk with him after Ava went in. She basically said that she loves her brother but really values having days out with me, Tom, and Ava because it's calmer."

"And when they went Winter Wonderland two years ago, he was chill for about four hours, but they ended up leaving earlier than planned as he was starting to get cranky with all the queues, and they didn't want to risk meltdowns there."

"As they started with the rides and activities that he wanted to do, they had only done one or two that the girls wanted and didn't do the ice skating, which is what she really wanted to do."

"She also mentioned when the family went to a restaurant recently, Ryan threw a fit as the food was taking too long, and he was hungry. Tom took him home, and while the girls were trying to chat to Kate, she was too busy on her phone trying to message Tom to see if Ryan was OK."

"I also have noticed that the girls are at my house a lot lately. As they are responsible for walking themselves to school and home, they will just go to mine instead to do homework as it's empty otherwise until I get home at 5:30."

"Ivy and my daughter Ava are in the same class,  so they do homework together. Flo will often chat a lot to me and Ben, often about gossip and what happened at school."

"I thought nothing of it, but now I wonder if she even has those chats with her parents. Where Flo and Ava are both pretty headstrong and confident, Ivy is sensitive, and I think her mum saying she's excluding her brother really gets to her."

"Ben relayed this to me, and I contacted Tom, telling him we needed to meet. He works long hours but agreed to swing by mine after work to hash the issues out."

"While Kate is lovely, she thinks with her heart, while I think Tom is more levelheaded. At the minute, he's on the 'bring Ryan' team, but I think when I lay out why that is not possible (the lack of another adult/the girl's feelings/the length of time we are planning on staying), I am hoping he sees the light."

"This morning I also got texts from my mum and Mia, both on Kate's side."

"My mum has had a past of kind of favouring her son over her daughters, and she was saying that Tom was valiant adopting Ryan and it was my duty as the local family member to make sure that he was accepted as much as possible."

"To those who said, send her along, I wish but I also found out she and my dad booked a last-minute flight to get some Winter sun for a few days. Mia was more levelheaded, but still on their side saying I needed to keep the peace as we don't want a scrap just before Christmas."

"But when I mentioned she organised things with Ryan and without the girls, she got quiet. I also found out she is also the designated Ryan babysitter for that day, so I think she might be trying to pawn him off on me so she doesn't have to come over."

"She lives a 45-minute drive away, and she and her kids are driving down to hang with Ryan in his house and in the local area as Kate works in our town, so she is close by if there is an emergency."

"I was thinking about asking my sister if she and the boys wanted to come, but as her boys are younger, I would be scared of the girls being overshadowed again. And I'm not sure we can manage 6 kids between the two of us at Winter Wonderland."

"Her youngest is also not the height requirement for a lot of the rides the girls want to do as he's pretty short for his age. It also takes away from the girls' day."

"They've really talked a lot about it, and I don't want them feeling awkward about doing something because Ryan doesn't want to. Maybe we can come again next year when we have all six parents available, so more flexibility, but for now, I think it's safest going with the girls only."

"I am slightly concerned that with the way Kate is behaving, she might tell Mia not to come and drop all three at mine on Friday, but Ben (who works from home) says he will babysit if need be."

"Ryan really likes him, and I think he would prefer playing on Ben's PS5 to the theme park and ice skating, anyway. I don't want it to come to that as it's cruel to tell the kid he can't come when he's at my door but wouldn't know what else to do."

"I am pretty nervous about how my brother will react, especially to Flo talking to Ben, as I really don't want a fight or her to get in trouble. I'll mention what she said, but not anything where I can see it starting a fight."

"Ben told her to speak to her parents too, so that may be happening, but I think it would just be her as Ivy is very timid and doesn't want to make her parents sad. I don't want to be cut off from my nieces as I love them a lot and know they love their cousin, so I really want to resolve this."

The OP offered no further updates but hopefully resolved the issue and enjoyed the holidays with their entire family.