Weddings are a time to dress up and celebrate.
But what happens when a guest dresses up too much?
Redditor Ok-History7114, a black African woman, recently attended a German wedding where the entire wedding party was white.
This was the first time the Original Poster (OP) attended a predominantly white wedding, so she inquired what she should wear.
Thinking she followed the rules, she was received coldly for what she wore.
This drove the OP to subReddit “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA).
She asked:
“AITA for ‘outshining’ the bride?”
She went on to explain.
“So I, [27-year-old Female], am a black African woman. I’m living and working in Germany for a fixed period on secondment.”
“While here, I became quite friendly with a colleague, [60-year-old Female], and she invited me to her daughter’s wedding.”
“I was excited as I’ve never been to a white wedding. I asked if there was a dress code/colour scheme to adhere to since it wasn’t specified on the invite.”
“I was told the code is ‘dress to impress.’ Bet.”
“Day of the wedding, I understand the assignment. I wear my traditional wear, which is really beautiful and obviously not German.”
“The garment is green, so no problem there. Or so I thought. I get a lot of questions and compliments at the wedding, which I genuinely downplay because it’s not my day.”
“My colleague seems colder than usual, but I pay it no mind since she’s the mother of the bride and could be preoccupied. The bride is downright rude to me, but again I give her grace.”
“I congratulate her and thank her for including me, and I get a tight 😐 in response.”
“I keep to the edges of the room as the music isn’t really my vibe, and I’m just observing how European weddings work.”
“I leave around 8 (after 5 hours) and go home before the wedding finishes.”
“Monday, I walked into whispers in the office, people actually strangely and more reserved than usual.”
“An office friend pulls me aside and fills me in: bride’s mother is fuming. My outfit was too extravagant, OTT [over-the-top] and inappropriate.”
“I drew attention from the bride and commandeered the room: I was rude and disrespectful. She’s told people all about it, apparently.”
“I approach MOB and ask to speak, but she says she has nothing to say to me. I ask her why she has to say everyone else about me but not to me, and she calls me an insolent child.”
“I explain to anyone who scolds me that this was my first white people wedding: I specifically asked what to do wear and followed the guidelines.”
“Where I’m from, there’s no such thing as outshining the bride – weddings are a fashion show and a chance to wear your best and brightest clothes.”
“They told me this isn’t Africa (which was racially coded) and people here have manners. I laughed and told that person to go to hell, so she’s telling people I lack remorse for my behaviour.”
“I’m wondering if I really am the a**hole, though?”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
“The mother is at fault here. Not only for being a gossip and for giving you bad advice but also for inviting you to her daughter’s wedding. The couple should be inviting people.”
“NTA.” – fralupo
“NTA – and I’m sure your outfit was beautiful. You asked for the dress code, and you dressed accordingly.”
“Bringing this issue at work is absolutely unprofessional, and all your staring colleagues should look at a mirror first.”
“Seriously are you working with preschoolers? Well, probably not. They would be happy with anyone wearing bright and colorful outfits.”
“‘They told me this isn’t Africa (which was racially coded) and people here have manners.’”
“Whaaaaaat?!”
“‘I laughed and told that person to go to hell, so she’s telling people I lack remorse for my behaviour.’”
“Good. You did nothing wrong. I’m sorry you work in such a toxic environment.” – Timely_Proposal_1821
“As another German, I just want to apologize. We’re not all that big of an a**hole”
“So yeah, you’re NTA. She is by giving you dumb guidelines and then getting pissy for you following them” – HammletHST
“NTA – you don’t tell someone ‘dress to impress’ and then get mad they impressed! Not gonna touch the Africa comment (as a fellow Black woman with an African family, I REALLY want to fixate on that).”
“Weddings are legit just fashion shows in most Black families and even in White families – when one of my aunts married her White husband, all of his side were just as done-up as her side.”
“You asked about the dress code, and she gave you it. If you supposedly outshine the bride (who sounds hella insecure tbh), then that’s MOTB’s fault.”
“Your coworkers are rude as hell – ‘we have manners’ my a**.” – FandomLuver-101
“In Africa, especially Nigeria, there is no such thing as outshining the bride. You did well. They’re just jealous that they are bland.”
“I would start taking note of the racist statements made to you for HR” – Realuvbby
“NTA.”
“She knows you’re African, and now the problem is that she can either blame herself or you.”
“Somewhere deep down, she must realize that her answer ‘dress to impress’ was inadequate and that (duh) this might mean something different to someone from literally a different continent.”
“Her daughter is angry at her, so she can either choose to accept that her vague answer caused the problem and admit that she is at fault or shove the blame onto you.”
“To look better to her daughter (and anyone else who noticed), she is blaming you.”
“If the office culture becomes hostile, go to HR and give them a factual account.”
“Good luck.” – magicsusan42
“NTA”
“This has the same feel as people getting angry and women with big breasts for ‘showing off’ or being ‘sexual’ when they just wear normal tops, and their only crime is having big boobs.”
“Sounds like your only crime is… being attractive! And having good taste.”
“People wear bright colors and fancy dresses at European *(UK. Spain) and Asian (Indian. Malaysian) weddings I’ve been to.”
“I can’t speak for Germany, but neither could you. That’s why you asked.”
“I don’t usually jump to jealously, but they were clearly jealous, and they’re being wildly immature about it. And racist.” – stophittingthyself
“You are so NTA! Let me start by saying I’m white, and I’ve been a bride, so that’s where my perspective is coming from.”
“The idea of treating anyone as rudely as you were treated because of different cultural norms is as ridiculous as the idea that anyone could have outshone me on my wedding day.”
“I would have been over the moon for someone to come to my wedding fully decked out in something that was what they would have worn to a wedding in their country.”
“And for people to show tons of interest in them and what they were wearing. I honestly don’t think I would have noticed the attention.”
“The idea that anyone can outshine a bride at her own wedding comes from their own severe insecurities (and let’s face it, racism) and has nothing to do with you.”
“When I got married, the date of one of our friends (who we became very close with over the last decade since the wedding) wore a very tight green dress…”
“…that was somewhat revealing and showed off her very beautiful and fit figure.”
“This is not something I noticed or cared about on the day because I was glowing with happiness, having an amazing time surrounded by my favorite people in the world.”
“But some of the women who were there made comments to me in the subsequent months about how sorry they were that she had dressed so inappropriately…”
“…and I was like, what are you talking about? It made an impression not because of what she wore but because of how it changed my opinion of the people who talked about what she wore.”
“People can be real a**holes when they feel insecure. It’s a shame that this bride let her insecurities about herself overshadow her wedding day.”
“I wish I had any ideas to offer on how to handle the situation at work. To me, this is so clearly racism, but calling it out is a different thing altogether.”
“Ideally, someone else would call it out for you, but that doesn’t seem to be happening.”
“Europeans love to think of themselves as past racism, but having lived in various European countries, I have found exactly the opposite. I wish you luck.” – Ok_Situation_7503
The OP went on to edit their original post:
“I’m about to board a flight. Someone told me to go back to my country so I’m doing just that 😆😆😆”
“Thanks for the feedback. I’m guessing not the a**hole but could have inquired further/done research – fair.”
“Some of yall are so pressed about the WP wedding – it literally means it’s the first wedding I’ve been to where the bride, groom, and wedding party are white. It’s really not that deep.”
“Thanks for the engagement, and see ya 😊”
Her confidence definitely outshone the bride’s.