When we love someone, we will do all kinds of things to make them feel better when they’re down.
But sometimes… we totally miss the mark on what will lift their spirits.
Fortunately, most of us can say that we didn’t mess up nearly so epically as one guy on the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Quite the contrary, Redditor Hot-Story6936 recently shared how her boyfriend made an unusually large purchase in an effort to make her feel better about where they were in life together.
But the Original Poster (OP) did not appreciate the gesture one bit and later wondered if she reacted too harshly to the attempt.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for refusing to move in with my boyfriend, even though he bought us a house?”
The OP recently made a life-changing discovery.
“Two months ago, I (25 [Female]) found out I was pregnant and I was DEVASTATED.”
“I have always been a planner and had an idea of how my life was going to go. I wanted to get my Ph.D., be married, and have a house before I had children.”
“I decided to go through with the pregnancy, and with therapy and time have started releasing some of my control issues and warming up to the idea that life is spontaneous and unexpected, so I can better adjust to the other curveballs life (and children) are sure to throw at me.”
The OP’s boyfriend tried to improve on the situation, quite to the OP’s displeasure.
“My boyfriend of 3 years (28 [Male]) has been trying to put band-aids on these problems, instead.”
“I explained to him that I’ve been trying to develop coping mechanisms for these unexpected moments so I can better handle them in the future, but he has been insistent that it’s just harder for me and that I should just ‘check off my boxes’ before the baby arrives.”
“He has been trying to convince me to buy a house for two months (we already rent together) but I’ve been turning him down.”
“We don’t have the money to buy our ‘dream home’ and that’s what I want, not a fixer-upper or a house we only kind of like.”
But his final effort was way too much for the OP to handle.
“A week ago, my boyfriend took me out for dinner and then to go see a ‘surprise.'”
“He led me to a neighborhood that is notorious in our area for being generally not the best and showed me his surprise… A house.”
“He bought a house that was being foreclosed on with a loan from his parents, a separate loan from his brother, and his entire savings.”
“The house is in HORRIBLE condition and will need to be gutted before our baby comes. There’s mold, the exterior is just awful, the landscaping has been neglected for years, all the carpets are stained and dirty, the hardwood is damaged, etc., etc.”
“Even with all the fixes, I just don’t like the house. It’s not to my tastes, it’s not in a good area, I just dislike it.”
“I sat on the partially dilapidated porch and just cried.”
“This is not the house I wanted to welcome my baby in. I just can’t even pretend to like it. I can’t pretend I think this was romantic. It was dumb.”
“He wasted THOUSANDS of dollars on a house I don’t even want to step foot in…”
“I told him I would not be moving in with him.”
“I said I would not drain my savings or take out more loans to redo the house.”
“I told him off for making this MASSIVE decision against my will and without my consent.”
“I said if he liked the house, he could sleep there, and I have not let him back into our place for the past week.”
The OP’s family was strongly divided on what should happen next.
“My parents think that he was an id**t for spending so much money on a house but that the idea is cute and that I should appreciate the effort.”
“My sister thinks it’s cute. My brother thinks it’s dumb.”
“They are split on being mad that I’m ‘ungrateful’ and understanding where he was an id**t.”
“Boyfriend’s family has just been leaving hateful, hateful voicemails directed at me.”
“My boyfriend has been alternating between furious and despondent.”
“AITA for refusing to move in with him after he bought me a house?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some thoroughly questioned the boyfriend’s reasoning.
“NTA. ‘Cute’ is when you ask your boyfriend to buy your favorite perfume and he comes back with a gigantic bottle because he didn’t realize the little bottle lasts for months.”
“‘Cute’ is not purchasing a dilapidated, run-down house as a ‘surprise’ without consulting you.”
“Especially that last part. Big purchases like this need to have, well, buy-in from all adults in a household. Doing it himself is a very worrying form of controlling behavior.”
“Especially when he could have said, ‘I have this amount of money in savings. My Uncle Earl offered to loan me this other amount of money to help with closing costs. My closing Betty is an electrician, and my Aunt Trudy is great with home repairs. I found this house. What do you think?'”
“You need some distance from this guy and a better father for your child.” – ForgottenTroll
“Our ‘new’ kitchen is going on two years now, and due to serious mistakes made by the contractor, it will never be better than OK. We have young children. It’s been horrible.”
“OP’s boyfriend should never have made this decision without her.” – Waste-Phase-2857
“Also, why spend all your savings when there’s a baby on the way? That’s more expensive than many people think.”
“When I got sort of unexpectedly pregnant my fiancé had to ask for a raise from work to make sure we really have the 600€ extra that is recommended per month by the government for when you have a child. And right now we’re saving up to buy all the baby stuff.” – More-Example6153
Others couldn’t see how they could even finish the house.
“I’m failing to see anything that’s cute when it takes all your savings and he’s now in debt to his parents? And it’s still not habitable?? Where are the funds to make it livable going to come from? The cute fairy?” – TeamChaos17
“Two loans and all his savings to buy the place, so where’s he getting the money to rip everything out, get rid of the nasties, and remodel?”
“Hope he’s got some more rich family and friends stashed somewhere, because now OP has to pay for all things pregnancy- and baby-related on her own, because he’s put everything he has into the house.” – Applejack235
“NTA. When you’re a couple big decisions like this need to be made together. Also why with a child in the way by a house that 1: Is in a bad neighborhood and 2: Could very well cost more to fix her up than hubby paid for it to begin with? From the description this isn’t a fix her upper, this needs to be demolished and a new house build.”
“It’s dumb alright to think it’s OK to make such a huge financial decision without input and consent from your SO (significant other).”
“He’s a major a**hole here. You shouldn’t have to be grateful for him sticking himself into a major debt right before you’re having a baby.” – Mera1506
Though the boyfriend might have been meaning to do something that would lead their life forward, the subReddit was clear that this was not the right step to do that. Whether the OP will choose to ride this out is unclear, but tough days certainly seem to be ahead.