Sometimes boundaries and lines in the sand are the healthiest forms of affection.
Not all family members are meant to be best friends.
Not every family member is obligated to attend big family events.
Sometimes, siblings are best as strangers.
Redditor IdealNervous5336 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for skipping my sister's wedding after she hijacked my graduation party with her proposal?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (22 F[emale]) have never had a great relationship with my sister (24 F)."
"Growing up, she and my mom were always extremely close, and I often felt like the odd one out."
"My mom would take my sister shopping or out to eat, and I'd usually find out afterward."
"Sometimes I'd be stuck at an after-school activity while they went and did things together, which really strained my relationship with my sister."
"My parents got divorced when we were in high school."
"I ended up living with my dad while my sister lived with my mom."
"During that time, my sister was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, but she has refused therapy or treatment."
"Because of all this, our relationship has always been distant and sometimes tense."
"I try to be civil, but she has a habit of making things that are supposed to be about me… about her."
"Fast forward to this past spring."
"I graduated from one of the top colleges in the U.S."
"I worked incredibly hard to get there and finish, and I was really proud of that accomplishment."
"My dad threw a graduation party for me with our aunts, uncles, cousins, and close family friends."
"For months leading up to the party, my sister had been joking that her B[oy]F[riend] was going to propose."
"She'd been saying it since Christmas, but nothing had happened yet."
"Before the party, my dad actually pulled her aside and told her very clearly not to do anything like that at my graduation party."
"He wanted the day to stay focused on my graduation."
"Well… during the party, with our entire extended family there, her boyfriend suddenly got down on one knee and proposed."
"At first, nobody said anything because they knew what my sister is like and were shocked."
"But eventually people started crowding around them, taking pictures, hugging them, and talking about wedding plans."
"Within minutes, the whole party basically stopped being about my graduation and turned into their engagement party."
"This also isn't the first time she's taken over something that was supposed to be about me."
"I ended up getting so upset that I quietly left my own graduation party and drove back to my apartment."
"Recently, I received their wedding invitation."
"After thinking about it, I RSVP'd no."
"I'm still really upset about what happened, and I don't want to show up to her wedding feeling angry and resentful."
"That feels unfair to her and could ruin the day."
"I don't want to cause a scene or bring negativity to her wedding."
"When she found out I wasn't coming, she got furious and called our dad, trying to get him to convince me to go."
"In this call, she admitted to telling her boyfriend to propose during my graduation party."
"My dad told her I'm an adult and he isn't going to force me to attend something I'm uncomfortable with."
"Now she's telling family members I'm being petty and trying to punish her for being happy."
"From my perspective, I'm just trying to set a boundary after 22 years of feeling like she gets to take over anything important to me."
"Some family members think I should just go to 'keep the peace.'"
"So now I'm wondering if I'm being unreasonable."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Go to the wedding and announce you're pregnant." ~ Severe_Feedback_2590
"Wear a wedding dress and announce you're pregnant with the groom's baby." ~ Embarrassed_Cow2441
"This is a horrible idea about saying it is the groom's baby."
"In the end, it will make you look bad to everyone when they find out you lied and at the moment that you slept with your sister's fiancé."
"I'm not against a lie, but that is crossing the line."
"I like others' suggestion, get a friend and have them fake propose to you instead."
"At least with that, you can say it was just a goof."
"I also would not invite her to your own wedding." ~ 18k_gold
"Have the friend fake propose and turn him down because trying to make your sister's moment about you is tacky as f**k, and you couldn't marry someone who treats your family so terribly."
"Then the friend leaves in tears." ~ MildGenevaSuggestion
"Instead of telling an outright lie to start drama, she should wear a close-to-white dress or a red one."
"The white would be outright disrespectful, but the red is diabolical as it signifies you may have slept with the groom (even though you have not, I assume)."
"Ask the groom if he knew that you did not want your party to turn into an engagement party."
"Dad ought to send him (and your sister/mom) a bill for ruining your party. NTA."
"Take a trip for her wedding day as a do-over for her ruining your party."
"If you can't get the cost of your graduating party back from them, then whatever your dad would have put into her wedding should go to you so you can spend the day posting pictures from wherever you end up going during her ceremony." ~ ConfectionExtra7869
"OP should just make a toast and announce that her wedding gift is a niece."
"And take out an ultrasound to show to her family." ~ NirgalFromMars
"NTA. 'That feels unfair to her and could ruin the day.'"
"Wishful thinking on your part."
"She couldn't care less, though of course she will tell everyone who will listen how hurt she is by your supposed cruelty."
"'Keep the peace?' You're not threatening to disrupt the wedding, just staying away."
"Your sister is the one who's disrupting the peace by turning other family members against you and encouraging them to manipulate you into going."
"Don't fall for it."
"Kudos to your dad!" ~ ReadMeDrMemory
"OP, you're not mad enough at the remaining family members."
"None of them said it was inappropriate."
"No one told him to stop being a cheap skate and actually organise something for her."
"And everyone just went with the change."
"This is what I can't stand."
"Groups just swinging towards the new shiny thing offered." ~ Mera1506
"This will blow over; your friends and extended family won't remember anything about it in the future."
"But I think you will regret not standing your ground with your sister."
"After what she did to you, it seems like you won't have a relationship in the future, but you can at least keep your pride and not compromise it for other people's sake." ~ ---Agrajag---
"Given that this will absolutely be a lifelong battle with her sister, refusing to attend will set a precedent, I think will come in handy."
"OP is letting it be known that if her sister pulls shit like that, there will be repercussions."
"OP, I say take yourself out to do something just for yourself on her wedding day."
"Make it a lovely memory for you... and anytime family tries to make you feel guilty, tell them your sister has made it very clear that she doesn't care or support you at all, so you are not going to pretend things are good."
"She went out of her way to do what she did."
"She orchestrated it."
"That was malicious - why would you want to ever be around someone who cares so little about you that they would do that?"
"If your family argues back... tell them you are no longer going to talk about your sister and tell them to call back when they have something else to talk to you about. Hang up."
"To be brutally honest, it's entirely possible they want you to stay in yoursisters orbit so you take on some of the burden of it."
"Now, without you, they have to be the ones that have their own sh*t f**ked by her selfishness."
"That is a them problem."
"Do what is best for you, since apparently so few people in your family are concerned about that." ~ JustAsICanBeSoCruel
"NTA. Also, family and friends don't get to weigh in."
"Go ahead and stick to your boundaries."
"Your dad can also stop anyone from voicing their opinions to him."
"Congratulations on your graduation!!" ~ Alwayshaveanopinion1
"NTA. All people proposing on either people's party deserve a special place in hell."
"A proposal in a public space is always terrible, in my opinion, it should always be done in private, leaving the woman space to decline."
"With people around, there is too much pressure to comfortably say no." ~ NODsBlackHand
"NTA. Consider going no contact."
"Sounds like she contributes nothing meaningful or positive to your life." ~ Wonderful-Pen1044
"NTA. I'd be completely N[o] C[ontact] with her."
"Does her fiancé know that she orchestrated the proposal against your wishes and against your dad's instructions?"
"Does he know why you're not going to the wedding (not just because of this one incident)?"
"If not, please let him know the truth, because your sister is obviously a liar." ~ Doggedart
"NTA. Do not go."
"Don't do it."
"There is no winning with this kind of person."
"There is only minimizing their impact on you." ~ Aggravating_Baker557
Reddit is 1000% with you, OP.
Your sister's behavior is outrageous.
You need to protect your own sanity and feelings.
You do what is best for YOU!
Stay strong and carry on.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp