Pregnancy loss is very painful for any parent hoping and planning for a healthy child. The grieving process can take a long time, even if they’re blessed with a rainbow baby—a child born after a pregnancy loss.
One child is not a replacement for the other. But some well-meaning and not-so-well-meaning people place it in that light.
A woman still missing her daughter, who was lost during pregnancy, is struggling with insensitive, inappropriate comments from her fiancé’s aunt.
She turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no official voting acronyms and no final judgment given.
Natural_Internet2853 asked:
“AITAH for refusing to let my fiancé’s aunt see our newborn baby until she apologizes for unsolicited ‘jokes’?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My fiancé (26, male) and I (24, female) just recently had our first child. This has been a pretty big deal for us since I had a major pregnancy loss with our daughter, Autumn, in 2024.”
“A couple of days ago, my fiancé’s aunt flew in from out of town to congratulate us and meet our son. When she got to our house, she kept making unsolicited ‘jokes’ about this baby and my loss last year.”
“My fiancé told her multiple times to stop and got very serious about it. She, however, still refused to apologize to either of us and continued making ‘jokes’.”
“I eventually told his aunt that I’m not going to allow her to see the baby anymore until she apologizes and proves to both of us that she can be a mature adult.”
“I made it very clear to her that I don’t need empathy, I don’t need her to support either of us through this, nor do I even need her to give us any condolences—all I need from her is to be excited for us in the present moment, not to compare it to the past.”
“She got very angry when I told her this and yelled at us for being unfair and claimed we’re taking her away from her own family.”
“If my baby weren’t right there, in my arms, we would’ve yelled back at her. Our son was getting fed, so there was only so much we could do to remove him from her yelling, so I had to remove myself from the room as a whole.”
“If it weren’t for our newborn being right there, our patience levels would not have been as stable.”
“We haven’t seen or talked to her since that day. To our knowledge, she’s staying with my fiancés parents.”
“I have had some very challenging things going on personally, so I haven’t even been in a good state to reapproach this in any way, shape, or form.”
“As we continue through the beginning of planning our wedding, we’ve taken her off of the TBD guest list, and don’t plan to put her back on.”
“AITAH that she thinks I am?”
After people asked for examples of what the aunt said, the OP added:
“The word ‘jokes’ are in quotes because they weren’t truly jokes and I’m trying to get the point across that, even if it seemed funny to her, they weren’t jokes to us.”
“There are no examples because outside of this, I have been going through a lot personally, and I don’t want to give in-depth detail to a bunch of strangers.”
“I just wanted to get unbiased opinions from people who may or may not understand what I’m going through after sharing the general situation.”
“As for the empathy part of it, I just wanted to make it clear to her that I’m not looking for any empathy from her. It wasn’t in context to anything she was doing in that moment.”
“I was just explaining what I told her and stating that all I wanted was for her to be happy for us in the moment and to not focus on what happened last year with our daughter, Autumn, whatsoever.”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not being unreasonable (NTA).
“She FAFO. Your baby, your rules. And she’s an a**hole for making jokes about the loss of a child and an even bigger a**hole for continuing when you’ve both asked her to stop.”
“Stick to your rules.” ~ FunProfessional570
“I’ve lost a child. She was 6.”
“People who said sh*tty things then are still not in my life over 8 years later.” ~ Sweet_Permission_700
“I read once that an adult who loses a spouse is called a widow or a widower, a child who loses a parent is called an orphan, but there is no single word to describe a parent who has lost a child, because it’s just too horrific for a single word to describe.”
“There is also no single word for someone who thinks that the loss of a child is ‘funny’ because they are too despicable for a single word to describe them.”
“Your comment hurt my heart for you. Anyone who finds anything about that humorous needs a special place in hell reserved for them.” ~ lktn62
“A week or two after Sandy Hook, my then-pastor (Episcopal priest) was at a community event with his family, and overheard a little girl ask her mother, ‘Why did that man shoot all those kids?’ and Mom replied, ‘Oh, sweetheart, God needed some little angels’.”
“My pastor introduced himself and let her know in no uncertain terms that the God he believes in does not arrange for the mass murder of small children, just to make angels.” ~ wilderlowerwolves
“If it were me, she’d never be seeing any of us again without some true contrition. That behaviour is inexcusable and unacceptable. ‘Family’ shouldn’t think it’s OK to speak that way, and you shouldn’t have to put up with it just because they are ‘family’.”
“Hello, consequences of my horrible actions, oh no, they don’t want my toxic, putrid comments around their child! The narcissistic ones are really the most audacious.” ~ Paelynn-Ryelle
“NTA. Family doesn’t mean a free pass to be hurtful. She crossed a line, ignored your boundary, and now she’s facing the consequence.” ~ DylanCruzz
“OP, you’re not taking her away from family, you’re protecting your peace and setting a clear boundary. If she can’t show basic decency after everything you’ve been through, then she’s the one choosing distance, not you.” ~ PeachDazzlee
“If it’s still too soon to make jokes about Abraham Lincoln, it is never the right time to make ‘jokes’ about a pregnancy loss (I can’t imagine anyone making jokes about that).”
“I lost a pregnancy in 2002. I’m not over it, but it doesn’t take over my whole life, and I went on to have a successful pregnancy.”
“The aunt is inhumane and I bet all of the women in the world who have suffered a pregnancy loss would like to get hold of her and straighten her out.”
“She didn’t fly out to congratulate you, she came out to needle and upset you, then blame you for not being able to take a ‘joke’ when you are recovering from giving birth. Yikes!” ~ APiqued
“You know someone is a horrible person when they make dead baby jokes to the parents regardless of when it is.”
“Honestly, I would have told her to leave, and put her out on the street to find her own way round and own accommodation. You have a hell of a lot of patience.”
“I would have given her a swift kick in the rear after she was warned the first time.” ~ RelievingFart
The OP provided an update:
“My fiancé’s aunt is currently staying with his parents. Earlier today, my fiancé went over to talk to her about it. I stayed home by choice, for what I feel are pretty obvious reasons.”
“He went over and explained to her that we are cutting all contact with her, she’s not invited to our wedding, she will never see our son again, etc… He told her that she crossed the line and that because of her actions, if we did receive an apology, we would have a hard time believing her apology was sincere.”
“Obviously much more was said, I’m just giving a more general overview.”
“The part that threw me off even more was the fact that she never even told his parents what happened. His parents were shocked and flipped out on her. They told her that her options were to go stay at a hotel and experience this area by herself, or to get a ticket to fly back home.”
“None of my fiancé’s immediate family (his parents and two younger sisters) have turned on or blamed me. I’m so lucky and thankful to have my fiancé, as well as (most of) his family in my life.”
“Thank you for reading as well as all of the input and congratulations I got in the comments.”
With this relative unwillingness to mend her ways or take any accountability for her actions, severing all contact seems like the best option.