It's true that family should be there for each other through the highs and the lows.
But for many people, their family members are the most entitled and judgmental people they know, cringed the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Stock_Sun4958 was a new mom who had just recently moved on from breastfeeding, though she was keeping the door open to the idea of more babies and more breastfeeding in the future.
So when her father reached out to her, expecting her to give her breast pump to her sister as a baby shower gift, the Original Poster (OP) was angry, but it was especially insulting that her sister had not been there for her in any way while she was pregnant or a brand new mom.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for not giving my sister my breast pump?"
The OP had a one-year-old child and had just moved on from breastfeeding.
"I (21 Female) had my baby a little over a year ago and stopped breastfeeding about a month ago."
"I was an extreme over-producer, making an extra 200 ounces of milk every day."
"So I had spent a lot of money on getting a nice medical pump that wouldn't give out on me after a couple of uses."
Though she was done breastfeeding for now, the OP did not feel inclined to share her breast pump with her sister, who'd shown little interest in her.
"My older sister is getting ready to have her baby in a couple of months, and my father had asked me if I would give her my pump."
"After a couple of weeks of thinking about it, I told him no."
"He asked why, and I went on to explain that my older sister didn't even try to have a relationship with me, even after I've reached out and have checked on her throughout our entire lives."
"I told him when my daughter was in and out of the hospital for months on end because of her epilepsy and her seizures just getting worse and worse, that my sister hadn't even reached out once asking how her niece was doing."
"And how she never reached out through my entire pregnancy, no matter how much I tried to talk to her."
The OP was accused of being immature but felt confident in her decision.
"I was told I was being immature, but I don't feel like I am."
"I just don't think I should give her my pumps after she hasn't even tried having a relationship with me."
"I already gave her my daughter's old bassinet, some old clothes, and a couple of other baby things."
"I feel like I have every right to say no when my sister puts no effort into our relationship."
"But I started thinking maybe I was wrong to say no, so am I wrong for not wanting to give my sister my breast pump?"
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some agreed with the OP and understood where she was coming from.
"NTA. Your reasons for not wanting to gift your pump to your sister sound reasonable to me."
"I'll add that someday you may need that pump again and, I'd bet, your sister wouldn't much care about getting it back to you then." - Realistic_Head4279
"NTA. OP might want more than one kid, and she's already given her sister plenty of starters. It's okay to keep something for yourself. For memories, for use, or for just because."
"You don't have to give her everything you're done using at the moment. Just because it's not a necessity now doesn't mean it won't be eventually."
"And with how little her sister shows up for her, I know if OP somehow managed to get it back (probably won't, the sister will either 'lose it' or a friend will need it more) with all the wear and tear the sister puts on it, it probably won't be in great condition if it even still works." - HeyPrettyLadyMaam
"NTA. She can get one for free from insurance. And breast pumps are expensive. And some can't even be shared for hygiene reasons. Plus you already have a great excuse: you WANT it and more babies!" - Narwal_Pants
"NTA. You're not supposed to share those. You also are supposed to replace non-hospital grade pumps after a year."
"If you're American, she can likely get one for free. Also, different pumps work differently for different people. My friend hated her hospital's pump and loved the Spectra. Spectra just made me hurt."
"She will want to research and get her own." - oneelectrichseep
"NTA. And honestly, at this point, I'm suprised OP gave them anything."
"I'd be going no contact, until she tried to reach out to me with sincere reasons, not because SHE WANTS something." - De-railed
"You don't need a reason to say no to anything. No is a complete sentence. NTA." - krisiepoo
"Don't JADE: Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain. You were asked, your answer was no." - GrowFlowersNotWeeds
"NTA. I wouldn't give her the shit off my shoe… But it doesn't matter, you said no and don't have to give a reason." - Odd_Substance_9032
Others pointed out that the OP's dad could gift his daughter a pump if he felt so inclined.
"Tell Dad to mind his own business. He should not get in the middle of things between the sisters. He should just buy one himself if he feels like she needs one so badly." - Vdavwil
"Remind your father that he is not entitled to give other people's stuff away. NTA." - JoyReader0
"NTA. Why tf is your dad asking this? It's one thing for your sister to, but your dad??? That's just weird." - PipeInevitable9383
"I think your dad should buy her one. You're under no obligation to give anyone anything, for any reason, or no reason at all." - geniologygal
"NTA, even putting aside your sister's lack of interest in you and your child. Not saying anything about you, but... Would sharing something like that be sanitary? I know your child is getting nutrition from it, but it is still bodily fluids."
"Don't fret about it, though. Tell your Dad if he wants her to have a pump like that, he can purchase one for her." - Mumchkin
"NTA. This is a classic case of, 'Give them a hand, and they'll take the whole arm,' and Dad is REALLY not helping right now." - Shinjipu
"Nope. Just say you sold it or gave it to another friend. Your sister is the a**hole, and why is your dad asking you? I find that odd that he's asking and not your sister."
"You bought it, and you can do whatever you want with it. Your sister is definitely the a**hole, and your dad is on his way there." - T21Mom2012
"NTA. Tell him you're saving it for your next baby." - rosegarden207
"NTA. She does not get to snub you and then demand ANYTHING, much less an expensive pump. It sounds like your sister's the Golden Child and is used to getting her way." - Teamtunafish
"NTA. Your DAD asked you for your breast pump for your sister? Your DAD? That alone tells you she knows she was an AH to you. Keep it."
"If she doesn't even care about you enough to talk to you about acquiring this pump, keep it. If she made Daddy ask you because she thought you'd be more likely to say yes to him than to her (that's telling), then keep it. Keep it, keep it, keep it, for as long as you want or need." - LolaSupreme19
"What's so special about the pumps over the bassinet and clothes? It's your stuff, you don't have to share if you don't want to."
"I just don't see anything other than, 'Well, she was mean, and I don't want to.' Which is fine, but you have to own it. If you're going to be a bit petty, do it, you have justifiable reason to be that way, but admit to it. And you don't have to feel guilty about it."
"Again, I just don't see the difference in the pumps vs the other things. Or did you just decide enough is enough?"
"Especially because she didn't even ask you; she got your father to ask you. Because either she knows she's been dismissive of you and is embarrassed to keep asking for things, or because she knows you're more likely to feel guilty and cave if someone asks on her behalf."
"So SHE'S being massively petty and manipulating. More reason to say no." - indi50
The subReddit was glad to see that the OP was standing up for herself and setting boundaries that worked for her and her one-year-old.
While it might be nice to help the family, it sounded like the OP had already helped by offering a bassinet, clothes, supplies, and multiple offers for communication and a more meaningful relationship. If her sister couldn't appreciate that, it was her loss.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp