For all the joys welcoming a baby into the world brings, doing so often requires a fair amount of planning.
Specifically, and rather unfairly, on mothers, particularly those who were working prior to becoming a parent.
As they face the decision and/or dilemma of returning back to work after giving birth.
A very delicate subject that should only be brought up with careful consideration.
Redditor throwaway68babeh decided to become a stay-at-home mom (SAHM) after giving birth to her first child.
A decision that took the original poster (OP)'s sister-in-law (SIL) by surprise.
As a result, when the OP's SIL had a child of her own, the OP brought up the topic of returning to work.
A topic the OP's SIL seemed to want to avoid talking about at all costs.
Concerned she may have been out of line, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for asking my 6wk postpartum SIL if she is excited to get back to work?"
The OP explained why she sent her SIL into something of a Tizzy.
I" (28 F[emale]) have been with my husband (31 M[ale]) for 3yrs, married for 2 and we have a 2.5yr old child."
"I'm currently 2 months pregnant with our second and last child."
"When DH [dear husband] and I met, I was child-free by choice, and I was at the top of my career - when we had our child, I was devastated at the thought of going back to work."
"DH is a blue collar man, also at the top of his field, we own our vehicles and he bought his (our) home at 21 and has a fantastic interest rate."
"I lived frugally, well beneath my means, and had modest, but relevant, savings and investment accounts."
"We made the decision I would become a SAHM until the second child enters kindergarten."
"It was the best decision of my life."
"My BIL met and married my SIL during this time. When I made my decision to be a SAHM, we were discussing it at a family dinner, and we actually had a small "debate." Her argument was essentially.
"I could never give up my career for my child, I can't give up that part of myself."
"My career is my passion and a big part of my identity, and it's sad when women lose themselves in motherhood. I'm very secure in myself and my choices, and I said that I'm glad she knows what she wants just as much as I do and left it at that."
"That was about a year and a half ago now, well, they have a beautiful 6-week-old child (her first, his second), and I have tried to help without overstepping as we are not particularly close."
"This included a meal train and lots of babysitting my nephew (BIL's first child who is 4) while SIL and the NB are settling in."
"Here's the actual incident where I might BTA - we were at a family event today and I asked her if she is excited to get back to work, as I know her maternity leave is only 8 weeks."
"BIL went back to work weeks ago, as I believe he only got 2 weeks."
"She looked at me, super offended and shocked, and told me she couldn't believe I would ask that."
"I clarified and said I knew how important her work is to her and that her clients were surely missing her (she is a fantastic, highly sought after beauty technician) again she looked at me highly offended and said something to the effect of 'well I HAVE to go back to work, we aren't all spoiled brats' which honestly just ruined the whole vibe."
"I just looked at her like wtf and she walked away."
"Well now the whole family is in a disagreement because apparently I was rubbing it in her face that I get to stay home and she doesn't?"
"Half the family remembers very clearly that she herself chastised me for my choice and think she's being dramatic and hormonal, the other half thinks that I am a spoiled and I shouldn't 'shove it in people's faces' so there it is AITA for asking her if she was excited to get back to work being a SAHM myself?"
"Do I apologize or what?"
"We were all at the birthday party of my husband and her husband's older brother's, husband's, sister so not a place you want to make drama."
"I had just asked the SIL of the sister how their job was because they got a promotion at the last event I saw them at (my child's birthday party) so we were very casually talking about work."
"Then my SIL walked up and I asked if she was excited to return to work."
"I did not seek her out explicitly to ask about work."
"AITA?
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
While the Reddit community was somewhat divided, they mostly agreed that the OP was, indeed, the a**hole for asking her SIL if she was excited to go back to work.
Most felt that the OP was being insensitive, ignoring the fact that everyone's situations and feelings will be different, with some finding her behavior on the petty side:
"It always breaks my heart to read that people can only get 8 weeks of maternity leave."
"Where I am, people get 9 months to a year."
"Asking her that does sound a little tone deaf, yeah."
"'You're at the 'top of your career' at 25?"
"Your husband bought a house at 21?"
"I mean it's screaming family money to me."
"It doesn't sound like you understand the differences between yours and your SIL situation, which are likely more than she's a career gal and you're not."
"Probably YTA but that's from reading between some lines here."- flattened_apex
"YTA."
"As you yourself have experienced, you can dramatically change your mind about something."
"You went from child-free to pregnant with your second child."
"And no one asked you rude questions about it."
"You should apologize and work on your sensitivity."- ApprehensiveBook4214
"YTA."
"It reads as snide and t*t for tat."
"I did not see how old your SIL is and how old she was when she made the comment."
"Sometimes people mature when they get older and have more life experiences."- SnowStorm1123
"YTA."
"Asking a 6-week postpartum mom if she's excited to go back to work is tone-deaf and insensitive."
"She's dealing with a newborn, sleep deprivation, and hormones."
"Bringing up work like it's a fun thing to anticipate comes off as rubbing in your own SAHM situation."- casualnerding
"YTA."
"You sound like a lot."
"If you are as secure in your choices as you say you are, why are you needling other people about theirs?"- greta_cat
"YTA."
"I get it was small talk, and I understand she had a firm position about not giving up her career earlier."
"But you are a mother and should understand hormones and the stress of being a new mother."
"The emotional turmoil of going back to work and so on."
"She is just learning that, so you should have been empathetic here and not even asked."
"There is a chance that she was struggling with herself about going back to work."
"Perhaps she feels a sense of guilt."
"Even loving her career and wanting to go back, it's possible she was struggling with it."
"This is rarely a safe topic at this point in motherhood."
"Next time just ask questions about the baby like 'how is the baby doing at home?' Or 'that's such an adorable baby, is he/she always so well behaved?'
"Or even 'how are you doing? Is there any way I can help?'"- Disneylover-4837
Others, however, agreed that as the OP's SIL asked her that very question, and seemed to judge her for being a SAHM, then she had every right to ask the same question of her, and her SIL's reaction was uncalled for:
"Weird reaction."
"NTA OP."
"If she weren't excited, she could've said something like 'as much as I love my career, I really wish maternity leave were longer, I'm not ready to leave baby'."
"I mean, she chastised Op for being a sahm for goodness sake, so you can safely assume she wants to get back."- International-Owl345
"NTA."
"I don't think you did anything wrong."
"It sounds like normal lighthearted chitchat to me."
"'Hi, nice weather, how's the baby, excited to get back to work?'"
"Baby is good, yes, can't wait to return to work and be amongst adults/or no, not looking forward to leaving my baby."
"She way overreacted to a normal question especially since you knew she wanted to go back to work...she told you herself!"- hesherlobster27
Becoming a parent is guaranteed to change your life in more ways than anyone can expect or predict.
For the OP, it was realizing her career was no longer her top priority.
For the OP's SIL, it was seeing the challenge of going back to work.
It seems this was a learning opportunity for both of them, as they can both perhaps now go through life with a more open mind and less judgment.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp