For all the joys welcoming a baby into the world brings, doing so often requires a fair amount of planning.
Specifically, and rather unfairly, on mothers, particularly those who were working prior to becoming a parent.
As they face the decision and/or dilemma of returning back to work after giving birth.
A very delicate subject that should only be brought up with careful consideration.
Redditor throwaway68babeh decided to become a stay-at-home mom (SAHM) after giving birth to her first child.
A decision that took the original poster (OP)’s sister-in-law (SIL) by surprise.
As a result, when the OP’s SIL had a child of her own, the OP brought up the topic of returning to work.
A topic the OP’s SIL seemed to want to avoid talking about at all costs.
Concerned she may have been out of line, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for asking my 6wk postpartum SIL if she is excited to get back to work?”
The OP explained why she sent her SIL into something of a Tizzy.
I” (28 F[emale]) have been with my husband (31 M[ale]) for 3yrs, married for 2 and we have a 2.5yr old child.”
“I’m currently 2 months pregnant with our second and last child.”
“When DH [dear husband] and I met, I was child-free by choice, and I was at the top of my career – when we had our child, I was devastated at the thought of going back to work.”
“DH is a blue collar man, also at the top of his field, we own our vehicles and he bought his (our) home at 21 and has a fantastic interest rate.”
“I lived frugally, well beneath my means, and had modest, but relevant, savings and investment accounts.”
“We made the decision I would become a SAHM until the second child enters kindergarten.”
“It was the best decision of my life.”
“My BIL met and married my SIL during this time. When I made my decision to be a SAHM, we were discussing it at a family dinner, and we actually had a small “debate.” Her argument was essentially.
“I could never give up my career for my child, I can’t give up that part of myself.”
“My career is my passion and a big part of my identity, and it’s sad when women lose themselves in motherhood. I’m very secure in myself and my choices, and I said that I’m glad she knows what she wants just as much as I do and left it at that.”
“That was about a year and a half ago now, well, they have a beautiful 6-week-old child (her first, his second), and I have tried to help without overstepping as we are not particularly close.”
“This included a meal train and lots of babysitting my nephew (BIL’s first child who is 4) while SIL and the NB are settling in.”
“Here’s the actual incident where I might BTA – we were at a family event today and I asked her if she is excited to get back to work, as I know her maternity leave is only 8 weeks.”
“BIL went back to work weeks ago, as I believe he only got 2 weeks.”
“She looked at me, super offended and shocked, and told me she couldn’t believe I would ask that.”
“I clarified and said I knew how important her work is to her and that her clients were surely missing her (she is a fantastic, highly sought after beauty technician) again she looked at me highly offended and said something to the effect of ‘well I HAVE to go back to work, we aren’t all spoiled brats’ which honestly just ruined the whole vibe.”
“I just looked at her like wtf and she walked away.”
“Well now the whole family is in a disagreement because apparently I was rubbing it in her face that I get to stay home and she doesn’t?”
“Half the family remembers very clearly that she herself chastised me for my choice and think she’s being dramatic and hormonal, the other half thinks that I am a spoiled and I shouldn’t ‘shove it in people’s faces’ so there it is AITA for asking her if she was excited to get back to work being a SAHM myself?”
“Do I apologize or what?”
“We were all at the birthday party of my husband and her husband’s older brother’s, husband’s, sister so not a place you want to make drama.”
“I had just asked the SIL of the sister how their job was because they got a promotion at the last event I saw them at (my child’s birthday party) so we were very casually talking about work.”
“Then my SIL walked up and I asked if she was excited to return to work.”
“I did not seek her out explicitly to ask about work.”
“AITA?
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
While the Reddit community was somewhat divided, they mostly agreed that the OP was, indeed, the a**hole for asking her SIL if she was excited to go back to work.
Most felt that the OP was being insensitive, ignoring the fact that everyone’s situations and feelings will be different, with some finding her behavior on the petty side:
“It always breaks my heart to read that people can only get 8 weeks of maternity leave.”
“Where I am, people get 9 months to a year.”
“Asking her that does sound a little tone deaf, yeah.”
“‘You’re at the ‘top of your career’ at 25?”
“Your husband bought a house at 21?”
“I mean it’s screaming family money to me.”
“It doesn’t sound like you understand the differences between yours and your SIL situation, which are likely more than she’s a career gal and you’re not.”
“Probably YTA but that’s from reading between some lines here.”- flattened_apex
“YTA.”
“As you yourself have experienced, you can dramatically change your mind about something.”
“You went from child-free to pregnant with your second child.”
“And no one asked you rude questions about it.”
“You should apologize and work on your sensitivity.”- ApprehensiveBook4214
“YTA.”
“It reads as snide and t*t for tat.”
“I did not see how old your SIL is and how old she was when she made the comment.”
“Sometimes people mature when they get older and have more life experiences.”- SnowStorm1123
“YTA.”
“Asking a 6-week postpartum mom if she’s excited to go back to work is tone-deaf and insensitive.”
“She’s dealing with a newborn, sleep deprivation, and hormones.”
“Bringing up work like it’s a fun thing to anticipate comes off as rubbing in your own SAHM situation.”- casualnerding
“YTA.”
“You sound like a lot.”
“If you are as secure in your choices as you say you are, why are you needling other people about theirs?”- greta_cat
“YTA.”
“I get it was small talk, and I understand she had a firm position about not giving up her career earlier.”
“But you are a mother and should understand hormones and the stress of being a new mother.”
“The emotional turmoil of going back to work and so on.”
“She is just learning that, so you should have been empathetic here and not even asked.”
“There is a chance that she was struggling with herself about going back to work.”
“Perhaps she feels a sense of guilt.”
“Even loving her career and wanting to go back, it’s possible she was struggling with it.”
“This is rarely a safe topic at this point in motherhood.”
“Next time just ask questions about the baby like ‘how is the baby doing at home?’ Or ‘that’s such an adorable baby, is he/she always so well behaved?’
“Or even ‘how are you doing? Is there any way I can help?’”- Disneylover-4837
Others, however, agreed that as the OP’s SIL asked her that very question, and seemed to judge her for being a SAHM, then she had every right to ask the same question of her, and her SIL’s reaction was uncalled for:
“Weird reaction.”
“NTA OP.”
“If she weren’t excited, she could’ve said something like ‘as much as I love my career, I really wish maternity leave were longer, I’m not ready to leave baby’.”
“I mean, she chastised Op for being a sahm for goodness sake, so you can safely assume she wants to get back.”- International-Owl345
“NTA.”
“I don’t think you did anything wrong.”
“It sounds like normal lighthearted chitchat to me.”
“‘Hi, nice weather, how’s the baby, excited to get back to work?'”
“Baby is good, yes, can’t wait to return to work and be amongst adults/or no, not looking forward to leaving my baby.”
“She way overreacted to a normal question especially since you knew she wanted to go back to work…she told you herself!”- hesherlobster27
Becoming a parent is guaranteed to change your life in more ways than anyone can expect or predict.
For the OP, it was realizing her career was no longer her top priority.
For the OP’s SIL, it was seeing the challenge of going back to work.
It seems this was a learning opportunity for both of them, as they can both perhaps now go through life with a more open mind and less judgment.