It goes without saying that lying is very dangerous.
Whether one lies to stay out of trouble or to take someone down, they can often be more trouble than they're worth.
One way or another, the truth always has a way of coming out, and all lies will eventually be uncovered.
The aunt of a recent Redditor suffered from chronic health problems.
However, these health problems weren't always quite as drastic as she made them out to be.
In fact, the original poster (OP) discovered that her most recent diagnosis was not even an exaggeration, but a lie.
Something the OP simply could not keep quiet about.
Feeling somewhat bad about their behavior, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITAH for calling out my aunt after finding out she lied about having cancer?"
The OP explained why they felt the need to confront their indisposed aunt:
"My Aunt Cathy has a long history of health problems, but she also has a pattern of exaggerating them and blowing things way out of proportion."
"This has been going on for years."
"She frequently gets my grandparents worked up and stressed when they already have their own issues to deal with."
"She's on disability and can't drive because of a seizure disorder, so my grandpa often takes time off work to drive her to medical appointments."
"The problem is, she'll guilt him into taking off work and then either still be asleep when he arrives or tell him she canceled the appointment because she didn't feel well."
"Many of these are specialist appointments that took months to schedule."
"A few months ago, she called everyone in the family and told us she had cancer and only had a few months to live."
"We were devastated."
"She asked for help making funeral arrangements and spent hours on the phone with family discussing what kind of casket and headstone she wanted."
"Later, I was talking to my grandpa and found out he hadn't taken her to any cancer appointments because a friend had been driving her."
"Given her history, I was suspicious."
"When I asked her what kind of cancer she had, she just said 'blood cancer'."
"When I asked for more details, she said she didn't want to talk about it."
"Not long after that, she had a severe seizure and was hospitalized."
"I went with my grandpa to visit her."
"While she was heavily medicated, the doctor came in."
"My grandpa asked if her seizures were getting worse because of her cancer treatments."
"The doctor responded, 'What cancer?'"
"He checked her chart and said the only blood-related issue he saw was iron deficiency anemia."
"My grandpa didn't press the issue."
"After the doctor left, I was furious."
"My grandpa told me to keep quiet and suggested maybe she misunderstood something."
"He asked me not to bring it up."
"I decided to keep what we learned to myself to avoid upsetting my grandpa."
"I started ignoring her calls because I knew I wouldn't be able to stay quiet if she brought up her cancer again."
"Recently, she sent me a long text saying she was hurt that I'd been ignoring her and that I hadn't visited her in the hospital.'
"She didn't remember me being there as she was heavily medicated."
"She also said she 'doesn't have much time left on this earth'."
"I finally snapped."
"I told her what the doctor said at the hospital and that there was no record of cancer."
"I told her I needed space and that she needed mental health help for putting the whole family through months of stress and grief."
"I called my Grandpa, and he is furious with me for adding to her stress."
"Now I'm wondering if I went too far."
"She does have real physical and mental health issues."
"AITA for calling her out?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community firmly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for calling out their aunt.
Everyone agreed that the aunt's lies needed to be revealed, even if everyone also agreed that she was clearly suffering from severe mental health issues, which didn't necessarily excuse her behavior, but needed to be dealt with:
"NTA."
"Many people, unfortunately, have lost to cancer, and people who pretend to have cancer for attention are major AHs."
"'My grandpa told me to keep quiet and suggested maybe she misunderstood something'."
"I have to disagree with your grandpa, OP."
"Your aunt told everyone she had cancer and had a few months to live, no way she misunderstood anything."
"She did this solely for attention."- DJ_Too_Supreme_Mk3
"NTA."
"Everyone (especially your grandpa) needs to stop enabling this behavior."
"It's disruptive to other people's lives and mental and emotional well-being as well."
"Someone should read/send her the fable about the boy who cried wolf."
"If her mental health is that bad that ppl excuse her shenanigans, maybe she should be seeing a therapist/psychologist."- Delicious-Papaya-389
"NTA."
"Pretending to have cancer is so wrong, and telling your loved ones you have only months left...that is a whole different level of sick."
"I absolutely would have called her out."
"What was her explanation?"
"I would stay no contact until she gets mental health treatment."
"If grandpa wants to continue to entertain her lies, there is nothing you can do about that."
"I hope you told everyone else in the family that she lied."- 1RainbowUnicorn
"NTA but IMHO your aunt has a serious mental health problem."
"13 months ago, I was told I had cancer."
"As a person who really has been told they have cancer, I find her behavior and lies are truly abhorrent."- Public_Reaction2129
"NTA."
"Your whole family should also know about this."
"Her mental health issues do not change this."- jerrrrremy
"NTA."
"I'm not any kind of doctor, but maybe she has Factitious Disorder (Munchausen's)?"-Shadynastysdynasty
"NTA."
"It sounds like grandpa is enabling her."
"I'd have blown her cover for the entire family."- JenninMiami
"I would get that toxicity out of my life ASAP."
"F the aunt."
"What a piece of work!"
"NTA."- DeuceXTrouble1015
"NTA."
"She's actually sick for lying about that."
"Just because it's a grandma doesn't mean you need to keep communicating with them."-StockCaterpillar7303
"You're NTA, definitely not."
"But your aunt really does have some mental health issues."
"It's not your fault, though, and understandable that you snapped."- Fielddogtrain
"NTA."
"Your grandpa is addicted to enabling your aunt, just wash your hands of this dynamic because they're not going to change for you."- Imnotawerewolf
"NTA."
"You didn't scream it to the whole family, just told her, and only her, that you know the truth."
"She's mad she got caught, and grandpa is embarrassed that he believed her."
"He's mad at himself and taking it out on you."
"How is she going to explain months from now that she's still alive, still has hair, and isn't weak from chemo treatments?"- JustAMuggle94
"Why in the f*ck would people lie about something like that?"
"Cancer out all f*cking things?"
"That's so disgusting, f*ck your aunt."
"I had to watch my dad lose and regain his lower body mobility due to cancer."
"F*ck your aunt."
"NTA."- andrey_not_the_goat
"NTA!"
"I just lost my mother to cancer 4 months ago, and I'm telling you right now that if any family member of mine (or friend), IDGAF who they are or what mental/physical issues they have, lied to me about having cancer, I would not be responsible for my actions."- Skippy_T_Magificent
"NTA you reacted well I think."
"Hopefully she gets mental help, and hopefully your grandparents stop letting her use them as much, but you can't control that."
"...you definitely need to tell your family about the cancer being a lie."
"The emotional energy of thinking she's dying is a huge burden on your family members, not to mention other things, like if someone puts off an expense because they think they're about to help pay for a funeral, or put off a trip or move because they want to spend as much time with your aunt as possible, etc."
"Which is likely happening since it's likely your aunt told this lie for attention because people were getting numb to her less urgent medical issues."- SafetyFluid8535
There were a few, however, who felt the OP couldn't be so sure that his aunt was lying, based on the information he gave, and couldn't condone how they handled the situation:
"YTA."
"You don't actually know she doesn't have cancer."
"You're assuming."
"Hospitals don't always have all of a patient's records."
"It's possible she is lying of course, but you don't actually know that."
"Also, canceling appointments because you feel too sick to go is not unusual for those of us with severe health issues."
"It doesn't mean they're faking, it means they're sick, and health issues don't care about your appointments or your schedule."- notrightmeowthx
"Doctor here."
"YTA."
"You are basing this on the doctor not having this in her chart."
"Do you have any idea how often that happens?"
"All the time."
"I've had patients missing limbs, and it wasn't in their chart."- Elegant_Bluebird_460
It is clear that the OP's aunt is a very sick woman.
It seems up in the air, however, that the OP's aunt has cancer, as she claimed she has.
What is abundantly clear, however, is that the OP's aunt needs serious help.
After which, hopefully, the truth will come out.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp