Breastfeeding and weaning are topics that, for some reason, people feel like they can comment on with unsolicited, unwanted, often unqualified opinions.
Parents are criticized if they don't breastfeed or if they do breastfeed. They're criticized if they breastfeed too long or not long enough.
What these critics often overlook or ignore is that babies are miniature humans and humans are individuals. What works for one person may not be right for another.
A father dealing with a know-it-all sister turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Normal-Historian2180 asked:
"AITAH for mansplaining breastfeeding?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My wife and I have an eight-month-old baby. For various reasons, we are not feeding him commercially produced baby food."
"We eat meals together as a family and, in addition to breastfeeding, he has access to what we eat (usually eggs, avocado, tofu, salmon, steamed broccoli, lentils, etc...) We let him choose what to try or if he wants to try anything at all."
"My sister has been saying for two months that our baby needs to eat baby food, but that simply isn't true. Our pediatrician said babies can be exclusively breastfed for up to a year."
"We got into an argument about it yesterday, and my sister said babies need to have baby food introduced to them at six months, that they can't skip from breast milk to adult food without that crucial step."
"I told her that she is wrong and they can. Our baby eats eggs quite happily. She said babies shouldn't eat dairy before a year. I said eggs aren't dairy."
"My sister got really frustrated during our argument and asked me if I really thought that I, as a man, understand breastfeeding better than her. I said that I do think so, because I've been watching my wife do it for eight months, and my sister doesn't have kids."
"I also said it doesn't matter if my sister is the world's leading expert on breastfeeding, because my wife and I are in charge of how we wean our son, not my sister. She doesn't get a say."
"My sister said she couldn't believe I had the balls to mansplain breastfeeding to her. I said to believe it, and she didn't like that."
"Am I the a**hole?"
"I feel like she should keep her opinion to herself."
The OP later added:
"My pediatrician said eggs are OK at six months. It's the first thing we introduced.
"We also put some peanut oil in the broccoli. We introduced tofu. The only allergen he hasn't been introduced to yet is animal dairy and some tree nuts."
"Honey, obviously, he can't eat because of botulism."
"Baby food is made out of baby food obviously (I'm just kidding). My sister knows what it's made out of—the same stuff as adult food. Maybe it's just cognitive dissonance for her?"
"She's not a medical professional or a nutritionist."
"If he was not getting all his necessary nutrients his pediatrician would have noticed. Right now everything he needs is in breast milk."
"We are hoping by making it his decision to eat the food he will develop affinity for it and not be a picky eater. That's why we are also waiting until he already likes veggies before introducing fruit."
"My sister just doesn't agree with what we are doing. We breastfed exclusively up until six months (as all experts agree is necessary) and at six months we started giving him access to our food as well (no choking hazards)."
"We also introduced him to peanut oil right away to prevent allergy development, which pissed her off. She said he shouldn't eat allergens until he is two. Well, she's wrong according to our pediatrician."
"Anyway, at first our son wasn't interested in the food. He would see us eat it and grab it and squeeze it, but that was it. He put some in his mouth and gummed it, but didn't really eat it."
"All of this is normal and part of his develop. But my sister said we needed to be shoving carrot purees in his mouth."
"We don't have to do that. In time he started eating tiny amounts of scrambled eggs and salmon and avocado spears. Now he will try most things, but still mostly drinks my wife's milk. When he wants to eat more he will eat. For now he is happy with mostly breastmilk."
"My sister is convinced that all of this is abnormal and he is not eating more because he needs commercially produced baby food."
"He doesn't need to eat more right now because he is eating and thriving. Drinking his mother's milk is eating. It has all the nutrition he needs right now."
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong and not mansplaining (NTA).
"NTA. This wasn't mansplaining, it was you setting a boundary about your own child while correcting misinformation, and your sister didn't like being told she was wrong or that she didn't get a say."
"The mistake, if any, was framing it as 'I understand this better than you' instead of just 'this is what our pediatrician advised and this is our decision,' but that's a tone issue, not a moral one."
"She's reacting to being shut out, not to your gender, and she needs to accept that parents get to make these calls, not siblings." ~ Numerous-Cup-3279
"Right…like none of what OP aid could be considered mansplaining…his sister is just being rude and OP is standing up for his wife. NTA." ~ HUBOI25
"And really, I'm all for men being educated on a woman's body and how it works, especially around reproduction if they've had a child together."
"I think there's every chance that OP knows more about how boobs and lactation work than his sister does, and that's a good thing (for OP & OP's wife)." ~ VividFiddlesticks
"Looking at myself from before I had a baby and how my childfree friends are it's highly likely an involved father knows more about breastfeeding."
"In addition to that, this issue is more about children's nutrition than breastfeeding. Again something where it's highly likely an involved parent knows more about that than a childless person no matter their gender." ~ ZwartVlekje
"Just because you are a man, and you are explaining something (factual and accurate) to a woman, that doesn't automatically I make it mansplaining. Maybe you should mansplain to your sis what mansplaining is. And isn't. NTA." ~ National_Pension_110
"Mansplaining has to do with a man explaining a topic to a woman who has more direct experience and knowledge (often academic and/or professional) about the subject than the man does."
"It's not just a man explaining any topic to a woman."
"The sister doesn't have any training or experience that would make her opinions more qualified than the baby's parents and pediatrician." ~ doktorcrash
"The sister's argument is basically 'I have breasts, so my unqualified opinion trumps anything my brother thinks.' That's asinine.
"I have a vagina, a uterus, and everything else required to get pregnant and give birth. But they don't magically make me an expert on childbirth. A man who was in classes and labor/delivery with his wife would definitely know more about the process than childfree, never been pregnant me." ~ MohawMais
"Based off the title, I thought it was going to be that OP tried to explain breastfeeding to his wife who had already been doing it for 8 months. That would be mainsplaining, not whatever this is with his childless sister." ~ hyp3rpop
"This was just regular splaining."
"And the sister clearly needed it."
"Next time, tell her to talk to a professional. Maybe they could use her expertise." ~ DesireeThymes
"It's almost like baby food is mashed human food."
"NTA, no mansplaining here. Your sister is out of line. Having ovaries does not mean she carries special baby knowledge on her chromosomes."
"Babies are humans who eat the same food as every other human." ~ tulipvonsquirrel
"Like 'baby food' was invented in the 1860's according to the internet. The idea that the sister has that babies have to eat that first is just silly—what did all the babies eat in the EONS before the invention of baby food?" ~ BlackVoidCat13
"What's the difference between eating some steamed broccoli off a plate, and having someone spoon pureed broccoli into the baby? The jars of baby food are just convenient."
"We wound up making our own mashed sweet potatoes for our girls, and they loved it as babies. Then I would steam other foods and mush it small to feed to them until they got old enough to eat more on their own." ~ Eureka05
"So you're introducing solids through Baby Led Weaning in addition to breastfeeding. That's absolutely age appropriate. Your sister is misinformed and instead of learning from you, she's digging her heels in the sand."
"Signed, mom of 4, with 8 month old twins who are currently BLW and breastfeeding."
"You're doing great, keep it up. Hopefully your sister will come around and chill out. NTA." ~ MegglestheMegalodon
While OP's sister might have good intentions, her approach and her respect for her nibling's parents is poor.
It's time to back off and let the parents parent their baby.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp