I'm named after two of my Grandmothers. It's not a strict family tradition—occasionally, someone would be named after someone else.
But my parents decided all three of their daughters would have both first and middle names from the women in their families.
The women who were still living when we were born were flattered, but no one demanded or asked our parents to give one of us their name. Maybe it would have been different if we were boys.
What if a family member demands to be given a namesake? What if the family member you want as a namesake just wants to make you happy?
Do you give in on your choice or stand your ground?
New parents dealing with name drama for their newborn male twin—whose twin sister's name isn't controversial—turned to the "Am I The A**hole" subReddit for feedback.
Adept_Juggernaut_231 asked:
"AITA for naming my son after my father instead of my father-in-law (FIL)?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (26, female) recently had twins with my husband Harry (30, male). I love my babies so much, but the labour was a nightmare."
"It was extremely traumatic for my husband and I, and we've agreed that we are definitely not having anymore kids."
"I was labouring for two days and throughout the process we kept our families updated. When they were finally able to visit, my parents and my in-laws came to see us."
"Everyone was fussing over the babies and my poor husband who only had about 4 hours sleep for the whole two days was napping. My dad, however, sat by me first and just held my hand for a bit."
"When I told him to go get some cuddles in with the twins, he said 'I'm here to see my baby' meaning me. It was honestly so sweet and I started tearing up."
"I nearly started full-on bawling my eyes out when he said that to me."
"I didn't even realise how invisible I felt when my husband was sleeping and my dad was there to make sure I was also being taken care of. He took me down to the hospital cafe and we had breakfast together while the babies were with everyone else."
"I kept thinking about what my dad did for the next few days, and I decided that I would give my newborn son my father's name as his middle name. My husband was totally on board with this."
"However, this is where the problem began."
"We knew my FIL would be pretty pissed at this. He always wanted a grandson named after him, but it's pretty clear now he won't get one."
"He has two sons—my husband and his younger brother—and my brother-in-law (BIL) is gay and currently says he doesn't want to adopt kids in the future. My FIL is also one of those people who cares about 'bloodlines', so I don't think he'd want an adopted grandson named after him—f*cked up, I know."
"The other twin is a girl and he wanted a grandson to be named after him specifically. In our culture it's not normal to name your child after yourself so it's pretty common for most people to have a grandchild named after them instead."
"People don't tend to name their kids after themselves in our culture. My husband has the male version of his grandma's name and my BIL has a name with a meaning his mother liked with no family connection."
"My husband has a complicated relationship with his father, so he wasn't comfortable naming our son after him. But we agreed to give them the same initials, so they'd both be AHD."
"I've always felt that multiple middle names felt a bit clunky. I personally have three middle names and it's a bother on forms when I have to put them all down."
"The babies do have FIL's surname."
"We were gonna hyphenate because I chose to keep my maiden name, but the in-laws asked us not to. My parents also thought us hyphenating would be a bit odd—not done at all in our culture—but they said if that's what we wanted, they wouldn't care."
"FIL accepted this, but when he found out we were switching the middle name for my father, he lost his mind. He said that this was something he always wanted and we were throwing it in his face by giving the baby my father's name as his middle name."
"Basically, we were going to give our son the same initials as FIL (AHD) since my husband was uncomfortable with our son having any form of my FIL's name in his name. My father's name starts with an F, so now my son will have the initials AFD instead of AHD like FIL, and that's part of why he is pissed."
"I tried to explain why, but he cut me off and said that it was absurd to expect someone to check on me when there were babies that had just been born and my father shouldn't be rewarded for 'ignoring his grandchildren'."
"I tried to explain that it was more than just the moment because my dad has been my best friend for my whole life, but he didn't want to hear it."
"Mother-in-law (MIL) is saying we are a**holes for doing this because my dad doesn't care about any grandchildren being named after him, but FIL has always wanted it."
"According to her, we are taking something away from him just because my dad chose to do something 'unusual' which to them was ignoring the babies until he was satisfied with me being okay."
"My BIL and my husband are such nice guys and very gentle and then my FIL is this macho tough guy. Their mother is very no nonsense and rule abiding, so I don't know how they turned out so different from their parents, but eternally grateful."
"He did not ignore the kids, he got plenty of cuddles in when we got back from breakfast. My dad is honoured by our choice, but thinks we shouldn't have done it because of what it means to FIL."
"He doesn't think we should give in to FIL. He doesn't believe in rewarding FIL's behaviour."
"He thinks that we shouldn't name the baby after him because it'll upset FIL, but at the end of the day he said he'll be happy with whatever we do."
"At this rate, even my husband is suggesting we go ahead and hyphenate the names anyway. My husband is an angel, I don't know what I'd do without him."
"We haven't registered the births yet, so we can still do it."
"We're in the UK, so we book an appointment with the registry office to register the births and officially name the child. Usually happens within a month after the birth, and then we get a year to make any changes we'd like before it's set in stone."
"AITA?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"I may be the a**hole for giving my son my father's first name as his middle name. This is because FIL has always wanted us to name our son after him."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"So if you named your son after your FIL, you'd be doing so simply to appease an a**hole. Not because he's good and kind and someone you want your child to emulate, but because he's a bully accustomed to forcing others to do his bidding."
"And let's take that further. Assume you did name your son after him."
"Does it end there? Or does FIL feel he now exerts some influence and control over your son."
"Your in-laws sound awful and they don't get a say in how you name your child."
"As an aside, we didn't name either of our sons after my dad who really was a wonderful man. We didn't because my FIL really expected we'd name our oldest after him and would have sh*t himself if we'd named either kid after my dad."
"My FIL's name is terrible, and burdening a kid with that name would be an injustice, AND he's just not that great a guy. But the amazing entitlement of assuming he deserved my kid as his namesake?"
"I have regrets about not naming one of my sons after my dad. Be better than me. Stick to your guns. NTA." ~ Salt-Lavishness-7560
"Honestly, OP did both of her children a favor by not naming them after the FIL. The poor kid with the name would be hounded and harassed to 'live up to his bloodline,' and the other would forever be a reject."
"My dad had this whole 'son to carry on my name' thing that he never got to realize until the birth of my nephew. It became pretty clear early on that he thought a son would prove how superior he was by accomplishing all the things my dad 'could' have done if he'd just had the right support."
"It was a surprise to no one but him that my nephew was as much of a hard-headed little sh*t as a kid as he was. My dad had spent the last 50 years telling himself that 'but for his parents' he'd have been a king of industry."
"Now having said that, I love my nephew. And he's pretty bright."
"But no, the reason neither he nor my dad was a star athlete while also valedictorian who deferred to his father in all things is that running sucks, literally everything is more fun than homework, and sometimes kids and parents are a-holes."
"The name had nothing to do with it." ~ misoranomegami
"NTA and I have fallen slightly in love with your dad. What a touching moment for you to have shared and I'm sorry it's being tainted by your FIL."
"I'm glad your husband is supporting you." ~ amijustinsane
"NTA. If your FIL wanted a baby named after him so badly, he could have given his name to one of his own kids. Your baby, your choice. As long as you and your husband agree on the name, everyone else can mind their own business." ~ KittikatB
"If dude wants a kid named after him so bad, maybe he could be the kind of guy that makes people want to name their kid after him." ~ legal_bagel
The OP later added:
"Just a tiny update."
"We have stuck with my father's name for my son's middle name and went back to our original plan of hyphenating our surnames for both the twins."
"Until about two days ago, we agreed to give the babies FIL and my husband's surname. But after all of this drama, we changed our minds."
"FIL is pissed, but who cares?"
"Not me."
"If we decide to get another pet—we have two cats—we'll definitely consider FIL's name."
It sounds like OP and her husband have things sorted out.
As for OP's in-laws, as one Redditor put it, if her father-in-law wanted a child named after him, he should have been the kind of person people want to name a child after.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp