When having company over, we almost always - without a second thought - tell our guests to "make yourself at home."
Of course, when we say it, we mean our company should feel comfortable, help themselves to a beverage or even a snack that's been prepared and just overall feel free to relax.
Never in our wildest dreams would we believe that phrase would be taken so literally that a guest would take it upon themselves to whip up a meal or four using any and all available ingredients in the house... and certainly not while we're sleeping.
But a woman on Reddit has found herself in this exact position as her husband's friend helps himself to everything in their home when he sleeps over (which is often), so she turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit to seek feedback from fellow Redditors.
Redditor New-Marionberry-7884 asked:
"AITA for telling my husband his buddy is too comfortable in our home and that he needs to set boundaries?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My (24/F[emale]) husband (28/M[ale]) has a friend who comes over frequently and will often spend the night because he can't afford frequent Ubers and my husband does not feel comfortable driving after drinking and I'm currently too pregnant to drive as I have short legs and the wheel sticks into my belly uncomfortably."
"This friend honestly never came over much before but my husband got a job working 2 weeks on, two weeks off at a mining camp so I don't get much time with him - hence prioritizing time with me, his pregnant wife, over nights out with friends."
"I didn't mind at first when he would come over but it started to get uncomfortable quickly."
"After his first 3-4 visits if I did not have a meal started/ready by time he arrived he would walk into my kitchen and start preparing a meal with OUR food."
"Of course he would make enough for all of us but I've genuinely never experienced that with a friend before and it weirded me out."
"My husband doesn't have a problem with it though so I said nothing to that."
"This morphed into him bringing stuff to make us which I did appreciate but was still uncomfortable because if I offered to help or cook he would tell me to go relax, as if I were the guest in my own home."
"What really irked me is last night he stayed over again, and my husband and I had slept in (although I had gone to the washroom a couple of times bc pregnancy)."
"His friend I guess got bored and walked into our room without even knocking asking if we wanted eggs."
"We both turned him down so again he just goes into the kitchen and helps himself to our food."
"I find it extremely weird and really don't like that he didn't knock."
"I've NEVER acted like that at any of my friends homes, and have never been treated like that before."
"Of course I would be fine having someone help themselves to any drinks or snacks but going and making a full meal (and just for yourself since neither my husband nor I were hungry at the time) really weirded me out."
"I spoke to my husband about all of this and how I don't appreciate being treated as a guest in my own home - almost as if I'm a bad host, and especially not having my privacy intruded on."
"My husband agrees for the most part but also says his friend is just doing this stuff to be nice and he doesn't want to create conflict."
"I told him he needs to set some boundaries because I will not be made to feel uncomfortable in my own home."
"This upset my husband a bit and he is accusing me of not liking his friend and saying his buddy will think I hate him."
"AITA for asking for some boundaries?"
OP updated the post to include more details.
"ETA: the friend doesn't drive due to medical conditions, and it is my husband that doesn't drive after drinking/ smoking 🍃, this friend also doesn't do dishes (not that I mind but it is annoying not to clean up if he's only cooking for himself, if it's for everyone I can pitch in that way but I shouldn't have to clean after him for his snacks/meals when he helps himself), will cook with ingredients I intended for other recipes, and has more than a few times helped himself to expensive items that he doesn't replace (once cooked up a roast I was intending to make when the in-laws visit), finished off the rest of something that we wanted to use for other meals, etc."
"I also am of the point of view that in a family home, you NEVER enter a couple's bedroom; regardless of knocking, you wait for the person to come out to you."
"That is my private space and in my eyes nobody else is welcome in that space but maybe that's just a me thing - barring injury or emergency situation."
"And I am pregnant not incapacitated, I don't view it as "help" to come cook my food, even if you bring a couple of your own ingredients."
"Postpartum, I still don't want people in my kitchen. Bring a pre-made/frozen meal if you want, but don't use my pots and pans."
"My husband still goes out for daytime activities with his friends, but the friend in question is his best friend who will often stay 4-5 nights out of the 14 my husband is home for."
OP then offered additional information.
"INFO: I've known the friend for 9 years but only started hanging around him when husband and I started dating 6 years ago."
"My husband and I have lived together for 5 years, and he never spent the night until I got pregnant. Before that, he honestly only came over for birthday parties or holiday events."
"I'm also more like a third wheel when he is around because we have similar hobbies on different levels and there's only so much I have to contribute to conversations about hiking/camping/fishing."
"I don't have any problems with him as he's otherwise a great guy, just has a tendency of overstepping. This is the same guy mentioned in my previous post."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole.
"Read this - it's somewhat famous:"
"https://community.babycenter.com/post/a37726111/the_infamous_bbc_lemon_clot_essay"
"You need to get this guy under control ASAP, OP."
"If husband has no spine, then speak to him yourself."
"This is absolutely not the time in your life to deal with an intrusive person."
"NTA" - Swedishpunsch
"NTA. You need to establish what you consider acceptable and simply state that to your husband as what you want."
"For example: 'He may think it's nice but I would like to have mealtimes on our schedule, not his, and I would appreciate it if you could make it clear to him that if he wants to prepare something he needs to clear it ahead of time.'"
"I am guessing from your narrative that you probably are a bit meek on the telling-him-what-you-want side, but a friend like this requires a firmer tone of voice and choice of language: 'I would like this and I am going to be unhappy if that, so would you please do whatever.'" - mifflewhat
"NTA."
"But I'm 99% sure the problem will resolve itself once there is a newborn there to cry." - Open-Incident-3601
"Nope NTA."
"Even if his friend is trying to be helpful since you are very pregnant, that would still weird me right out."
"You have the right to feel comfortable in your own home." - thechaoticstorm
"NTA"
"You've asked your husband to set boundaries, and his response is basically, 'but but I don't want my friend TO NOT LIKE ME!'"
"Husband needs to grow up." - ahknewb
"NTA since ultimately you live there too, and your husband should care about your feelings above his friend's."
"I think your anger at what he's doing is more about a culture of friendship than about whether he's wrong and your way is right."
"I have some very good friends who come over and make themselves at home, and I do the same."
"But it usually works out to where we are helpful and courteous at each other's houses, which it sounds like this friend is doing."
"And as the woman, you are not the automatic host. This is your husband's friend. If anyone should be hosting him, it's your husband."
"But, more importantly, you two need to talk about what things will look like once the baby comes."
"You do not need some dude in your space when you're healing and trying to breastfeed."
"Though, if he's preparing and bringing you food, that could be a big help." - friendlily
"NTA... 'Our home is our sanctuary where we can enjoy peace and privacy. This has become more important as we prepare to bring a baby home.'"
"I expect you to tell your friend that he needs to wait till he is invited as a guest." - Top-Cut-369
Hopefully, the OP and her husband can agree on how to approach their guest without straining their relationships.
Our homes provide us with a place of solace, and no one should be made to feel uncomfortable in their own.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp