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Mom-To-Be Upset After Husband’s Friend Stays Over Too Often And Helps Himself To Their Food

Guy in a robe eating
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When having company over, we almost always – without a second thought – tell our guests to “make yourself at home.”

Of course, when we say it, we mean our company should feel comfortable, help themselves to a beverage or even a snack that’s been prepared and just overall feel free to relax.

Never in our wildest dreams would we believe that phrase would be taken so literally that a guest would take it upon themselves to whip up a meal or four using any and all available ingredients in the house… and certainly not while we’re sleeping.

But a woman on Reddit has found herself in this exact position as her husband’s friend helps himself to everything in their home when he sleeps over (which is often), so she turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit to seek feedback from fellow Redditors.

Redditor New-Marionberry-7884 asked:

“AITA for telling my husband his buddy is too comfortable in our home and that he needs to set boundaries?”

The Original Poster (OP) explained:

“My (24/F[emale]) husband (28/M[ale]) has a friend who comes over frequently and will often spend the night because he can’t afford frequent Ubers and my husband does not feel comfortable driving after drinking and I’m currently too pregnant to drive as I have short legs and the wheel sticks into my belly uncomfortably.”

“This friend honestly never came over much before but my husband got a job working 2 weeks on, two weeks off at a mining camp so I don’t get much time with him – hence prioritizing time with me, his pregnant wife, over nights out with friends.”

“I didn’t mind at first when he would come over but it started to get uncomfortable quickly.”

“After his first 3-4 visits if I did not have a meal started/ready by time he arrived he would walk into my kitchen and start preparing a meal with OUR food.”

“Of course he would make enough for all of us but I’ve genuinely never experienced that with a friend before and it weirded me out.”

“My husband doesn’t have a problem with it though so I said nothing to that.”

“This morphed into him bringing stuff to make us which I did appreciate but was still uncomfortable because if I offered to help or cook he would tell me to go relax, as if I were the guest in my own home.”

“What really irked me is last night he stayed over again, and my husband and I had slept in (although I had gone to the washroom a couple of times bc pregnancy).”

“His friend I guess got bored and walked into our room without even knocking asking if we wanted eggs.”

“We both turned him down so again he just goes into the kitchen and helps himself to our food.”

“I find it extremely weird and really don’t like that he didn’t knock.”

“I’ve NEVER acted like that at any of my friends homes, and have never been treated like that before.”

“Of course I would be fine having someone help themselves to any drinks or snacks but going and making a full meal (and just for yourself since neither my husband nor I were hungry at the time) really weirded me out.”

“I spoke to my husband about all of this and how I don’t appreciate being treated as a guest in my own home – almost as if I’m a bad host, and especially not having my privacy intruded on.”

“My husband agrees for the most part but also says his friend is just doing this stuff to be nice and he doesn’t want to create conflict.”

“I told him he needs to set some boundaries because I will not be made to feel uncomfortable in my own home.”

“This upset my husband a bit and he is accusing me of not liking his friend and saying his buddy will think I hate him.”

“AITA for asking for some boundaries?”

OP updated the post to include more details.

“ETA: the friend doesn’t drive due to medical conditions, and it is my husband that doesn’t drive after drinking/ smoking 🍃, this friend also doesn’t do dishes (not that I mind but it is annoying not to clean up if he’s only cooking for himself, if it’s for everyone I can pitch in that way but I shouldn’t have to clean after him for his snacks/meals when he helps himself), will cook with ingredients I intended for other recipes, and has more than a few times helped himself to expensive items that he doesn’t replace (once cooked up a roast I was intending to make when the in-laws visit), finished off the rest of something that we wanted to use for other meals, etc.”

“I also am of the point of view that in a family home, you NEVER enter a couple’s bedroom; regardless of knocking, you wait for the person to come out to you.”

“That is my private space and in my eyes nobody else is welcome in that space but maybe that’s just a me thing – barring injury or emergency situation.”

“And I am pregnant not incapacitated, I don’t view it as “help” to come cook my food, even if you bring a couple of your own ingredients.”

“Postpartum, I still don’t want people in my kitchen. Bring a pre-made/frozen meal if you want, but don’t use my pots and pans.”

“My husband still goes out for daytime activities with his friends, but the friend in question is his best friend who will often stay 4-5 nights out of the 14 my husband is home for.”

OP then offered additional information.

“INFO: I’ve known the friend for 9 years but only started hanging around him when husband and I started dating 6 years ago.”

“My husband and I have lived together for 5 years, and he never spent the night until I got pregnant. Before that, he honestly only came over for birthday parties or holiday events.”

“I’m also more like a third wheel when he is around because we have similar hobbies on different levels and there’s only so much I have to contribute to conversations about hiking/camping/fishing.”

“I don’t have any problems with him as he’s otherwise a great guy, just has a tendency of overstepping. This is the same guy mentioned in my previous post.”

Redditors weighed in by declaring:

  • NTA – Not The A**hole
  • YTA – You’re The A**hole
  • NAH – No A**holes Here
  • ESH – Everyone Sucks Here

Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole.

“Read this – it’s somewhat famous:”

“You need to get this guy under control ASAP, OP.”

“If husband has no spine, then speak to him yourself.”

“This is absolutely not the time in your life to deal with an intrusive person.”

“NTA” – Swedishpunsch

“NTA. You need to establish what you consider acceptable and simply state that to your husband as what you want.”

“For example: ‘He may think it’s nice but I would like to have mealtimes on our schedule, not his, and I would appreciate it if you could make it clear to him that if he wants to prepare something he needs to clear it ahead of time.'”

“I am guessing from your narrative that you probably are a bit meek on the telling-him-what-you-want side, but a friend like this requires a firmer tone of voice and choice of language: ‘I would like this and I am going to be unhappy if that, so would you please do whatever.'” – mifflewhat


“But I’m 99% sure the problem will resolve itself once there is a newborn there to cry.” – Open-Incident-3601

“Nope NTA.”

“Even if his friend is trying to be helpful since you are very pregnant, that would still weird me right out.”

“You have the right to feel comfortable in your own home.” – thechaoticstorm


“You’ve asked your husband to set boundaries, and his response is basically, ‘but but I don’t want my friend TO NOT LIKE ME!'”

“Husband needs to grow up.” – ahknewb

“NTA since ultimately you live there too, and your husband should care about your feelings above his friend’s.”

“I think your anger at what he’s doing is more about a culture of friendship than about whether he’s wrong and your way is right.”

“I have some very good friends who come over and make themselves at home, and I do the same.”

“But it usually works out to where we are helpful and courteous at each other’s houses, which it sounds like this friend is doing.”

“And as the woman, you are not the automatic host. This is your husband’s friend. If anyone should be hosting him, it’s your husband.”

“But, more importantly, you two need to talk about what things will look like once the baby comes.”

“You do not need some dude in your space when you’re healing and trying to breastfeed.”

“Though, if he’s preparing and bringing you food, that could be a big help.” – friendlily

“NTA… ‘Our home is our sanctuary where we can enjoy peace and privacy. This has become more important as we prepare to bring a baby home.'”

“I expect you to tell your friend that he needs to wait till he is invited as a guest.” – Top-Cut-369

Hopefully, the OP and her husband can agree on how to approach their guest without straining their relationships.

Our homes provide us with a place of solace, and no one should be made to feel uncomfortable in their own.

Written by AB Keith

AB Keith is an educator turned roadtripper who is currently teaching virtually while touring the USA. Her dream is to visit all the national parks and create a series of nonfiction children's books about NP adventures through the eyes of her dog, Backpack Benny.