No matter how happy they are, most relationships are a little bit messy.
But things are especially messy when someone has an affair, cringed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Alone_Sherbert_3607 had been terribly hurt when his wife cheated on him and became pregnant with another man’s baby.
But when she demanded that he help her support the new baby, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he was selfish to not want to.
He asked the sub:
“AITA for telling my kids why I don’t buy their half-sibling anything?”
The OP was hurt when his wife cheated on him.
“The mother of my two children (10 Male and 9 Female) cheated on me during our marriage and became pregnant with another man’s child.”
“I learned this when I caught her with the man in question and after quizzing her, she admitted there was a strong chance he was the father of the baby she was pregnant with.”
“I ended our marriage right there and took a DNA test when her youngest was born and she was not mine.”
But the OP was committed to caring for his two children.
“So in the divorce custody and support, only our two kids were factored in.”
“I paid some child support because I made more than her but we had 50-50 custody time with the kids and I remained an involved dad.”
“My ex lived with her youngest’s father in October of last year when he took off without a word and dipped from their lives.”
“She has been in pursuit of child support ever since but he cannot be found and he quit the last known job he had, so she has been unsuccessful so far.”
“This has led to her struggling and I buy more for the kids we share so they don’t suffer because of the failed relationship with the affair partner.”
The OP did not feel comfortable assisting with the other child.
“Last month my ex told me she was struggling to keep up with the expenses for her youngest and she asked me if I would maybe buy some stuff that included her too.”
“I said no, that I was responsible for my kids and I would not become financially responsible in any way for the child she made while cheating on me.”
“She begged and told me they will have different lives if I don’t help at least for now and I told her that was not my problem and maybe she’ll think about that in the future before she starts an ongoing affair.”
“She told our kids about asking me and encouraged them to ask me for them.”
“The kids were confused because they have always known their half-sister is not my child, but they started to doubt because of how their mom talked (saying good men take care of all their children and loving a child who is part of your family should never be that hard).”
The OP decided to be honest with his children.
“The kids approached me and asked me about it and told me their mom wanted them to ask me for stuff for their half-sister.”
“So I explained to them that she is not my child or part of my family but she is still part of theirs.”
“They asked why since my oldest has some memories of his mom and I being together while she was pregnant.”
“I said their mom got pregnant with their half-sister while we were together but DNA proved she was not mine and I did not raise her for that reason. I told them I am still their dad and nothing has changed but I was never really their half-sister’s dad and don’t want to buy her stuff like I do for them.”
“They understood and when they went back to their mom’s she called and cussed me out for telling the kids more details than she wanted them to know.”
“I said they had always been aware they had a different dad to her other child and that needed to remain clear because I was not claiming her now that her father has abandoned her.”
“She called me a cruel d**k.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some urged the OP to be mindful of parental alienation and to reconsider custody.
“You could possibly argue parental alienation with how she is using the kids to try and get you to pay more and making you seem to be the bad guy.” – igwbuffalo
“You should still keep the idea of custody amendment in your back pocket. if she already can’t afford shoes and school supplies when the kid is only five, it’s only going to get worse in the future.”
“And you’ll want to keep an eye and ear out to make sure she doesn’t take your kid’s stuff to give to her other kid, or dip into the child support she’s supposed to use on your kids for the other kid.”
“And if you still have friends and family in common that you both see, you’ll want to make sure she doesn’t try to turn them against you.”
“Not saying any of this will happen, but we see a lot of stuff like this here on Reddit. Another thing I remember seeing here, someone in a similar situation to you, their ex-partner started telling the affair kid to call the ex ‘dad’ when their affair partner left.” – MageVicky
“NTA. You’re not obligated to financially support your kids’ half-sister, and it doesn’t sound like your explanation encouraged a divide between them or similar; if your ex didn’t want them to have more information about the situation at hand, she shouldn’t have tried to use them to manipulate you.” – author124
“This is a terrible situation for kids. They shouldn’t be involved in any issues between their parents.”
“So you’re stuck either looking like the bad guy for not telling them why you are treating their sibling differently, or you have to buy into the dynamic of telling your children information that isn’t any of their business at ages nine and ten.”
“NTA for not wanting to support a child that isn’t yours. And NTA for telling your kids (the hopefully age-appropriate) truth.” – tinyd71
“I think you need to bring it up every time she complains about money or asks you for more support.”
“Repeatedly saying, ‘I won’t give you money but I can take my kids more to relieve your financial stress,’ will eventually get through to her. Either she’ll stop asking or she’ll agree.”
“Just be careful she doesn’t get to a point of taking your kids stuff off them to share it with her youngest or even selling it.” – chaserscarlet
Others encouraged the OP to help if he felt able.
“NTA. Your ex tried to make you out to be the bad guy and force your hand, banking on you not wanting to involve the kids. That was super wrong of her and good on you for not taking it. Stand your ground there.”
“That being said, when she says she can’t afford stuff for the youngest kid, are we talking fun things like toys or basic necessities like diapers?”
“Obviously, you are neither responsible for the youngest kid nor are you the a**hole for refusing to engage. Your ex made her mess.”
“But if it’s the latter and you can afford it, I would consider buying her occasional basic necessities if you get the feeling that she genuinely cannot afford them (not just giving her money). Ultimately, the kid would be the one suffering and she is innocent in all of that.”
“I would use it to show to your kids the importance of being compassionate, even to strangers you have no responsibility towards (and stress that!).” – MrsPomMummy
“OP, NTA but for the above reason, you should go above and beyond to spare your kids from broken interpersonal dynamics.”
“Stress that it’s not their halfsibling’s fault and you don’t dislike them, you’re just not their father; that they should love them as a family because they are family; and that they shouldn’t get angry at their mother because of her betrayal, since that’s between you two, and that if she ever tells them things like ‘you not loving your kids,’ they should never be afraid to ask you about it so you can clear things up.”
“Your kids could easily start hating their sibling, lose their mother, and simultaneously become susceptible to her manipulations in short order. You need a balance of mitigating strategies for all three issues and some visibility on the bulls**t she feeds them.” – PharmBoyStrength
“Well, NTA. I’m strongly against talking badly about the other parent to shared kids (no matter how justified), but here it was your ex who muddled the waters and clarification was needed.”
“I do feel sorry for the youngest kid though, not her fault that your ex cheated or her father left, but she’s going to pay for it. Still, clearly not your responsibility.” – sephyir
“NTA. What your ex did by talking to the kids about support likely violated your court order. It’s specifically spelled out in mine that neither parent is to talk to the kids about parenting time or money.”
“As a single mom to three whose ex has also completely dipped due to his refusal to treat his own mental health problems, I can sympathize with her struggle, but she crossed a line that she shouldn’t have.”
“She’ll probably never get child support for her youngest or it will be really rare and sporadic. It’s her responsibility to come up with solutions to that, not yours. How she runs her household is none of your business as long as your kids are fed, clothed, and have adequate shelter.”
“If she decides to allocate resources unfairly between your kids and their halfsibling, then that’s her doing. A disproportionate amount of her own funds should go to supporting the youngest and that’s just a fact of life.” – Alternative_Fox_7637
“No. The mother of the child has her own family. Let her ask the grandparents or aunts and uncles to help out. How can she not afford shoes when you can get kids’ shoes at Goodwill for a couple of bucks.”
“The mother needs to get humble and figure out how to be a single mom. No way OP should clean up her mess by jerking the heartstrings about the poor child. A good mother goes without to make sure her child is taken care of.”
“If OP bails her out now, he’ll be stuck for life.” – Square_Band9870
While the subReddit could empathize with the young children who was the result of an affair, they also encouraged the op to lead his own life and to keep his relationship with his two children strong.
It might be nice to help a child in need, but when he already had two children who needed him, the OP might only get himself in trouble if he were to start helping now.