Bachelor parties were, at one time, the groom's counterpart for the bride's wedding shower. Both were traditionally arranged by the best man and maid of honor, respectively.
Once brides started wanting an equivalent to the parties grooms got, bachelorette parties took off. Bridal showers became more about family, especially elders, and the bachelorette party was a time to gather with bridesmaids and the younger crowd.
Then one night parties became weekends became week long trips to exotic—expensive—locations.
The problem with all this one-upmanship is that not everyone can afford a week in Bora Bora or Bangkok to celebrate Chad or Mandi's impending marriage.
A brother who's facing such an issue turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
King0mar22 asked:
"AITA for stepping down as best man because I can't afford my brother's bachelor party plans?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (26, male) am supposed to be the best man for my older brother (29, male) this coming month. I love him, but he has always had champagne taste on a tap water budget, and he is obsessed with projecting a certain lifestyle on Instagram."
"Last night, he called an emergency Zoom meeting with the groomsmen to discuss his bachelor party. I assumed we were going to rent a cabin, grill some steaks, and maybe go to a local brewery. Instead, he shared his screen and presented a literal PowerPoint for a four-day 'VIP' bender in Las Vegas."
"The plan includes splitting a penthouse suite, booking premium bottle service at two different nightclubs, and renting exotic cars for one afternoon. After the call, he emailed us a breakdown of costs. My share of the weekend, not including my own flights or gambling money, came out to just over $3,500."
"To make it worse, he also included a mandatory 'squad uniform' in the budget. He wants us all to buy matching maroon velvet blazers and wear this incredibly tacky, oversized novelty roulette watch so we 'look like absolute legends' walking across the casino floor. I literally cringed reading the itinerary."
"The absolute irony here is that while he is demanding his friends max out their credit cards to fund his influencer fantasy, he is notoriously cheap when it comes to his own wallet."
"His fiancée has mentioned before that he spends a lot of time trying to source the cheapest possible items online and that he recently ordered bulk groomsmen gifts from Alibaba to cut costs, so it feels strange that he's comfortable asking us to spend this much."
"I called him privately after the meeting and told him there is absolutely no way I can afford a four-thousand-dollar weekend. I work in logistics and I am trying to save for a house. I don't have room in my budget for a trip like this, especially not on short notice."
"He blew up at me, saying I'm not supporting him and that this is a once-in-a-lifetime event. He said as best man, I should be helping make it happen."
"Now my parents are telling me to just put it on a credit card and deal with it later because 'it's your brother's wedding'."
"I told him if this trip is mandatory, I may need to step down as best man because I genuinely can't afford it."
"AITA for drawing that line?"
"I feel like I am losing my mind."
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"It's an action I'm considering and it'll affect what might be my brother's best day."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"Well, your parents didn't specify which credit card, so ask for theirs to put it on." ~ L1mpD
"Your parents are f*cked up for telling you to put your credit on the line for something so frivolous. What if you had like an actual emergency and needed credit? So irresponsible." ~ CactusCait
"Was going to say that your brother is not mature enough to get married. But then I saw your parent's credit card comment...THEY don't sound mature enough to be married and have children. Good lord, what is WRONG with people?"
"It is NOT a once-in-a-lifetime experience for groomsmen, and from what your brother sounds like, it's unlikely to be once-in-a-lifetime for him either. Stay home, save your money, and have a nice dinner for yourself at home." ~ DeepSpaceBubbles
"As long as you do not borrow from them (as in they pay fully without the expectation to get it back, in writing…)"
"Do not do it, its an insane amount of money, a house is way more important."
"Freeze/check your credit,… check that neither he nor your parents have ever had access to your bank accounts… change passwords, if needed, phone plan."
It sounds like entitled people are part of your family. Never ever trust entitled people. That includes locking your sleeping room, having good locks on stable furniture for your papers, too."
"Be sure no one had the opportunity to make a copy of your key. Never give them an emergency key either. NTA, and good luck!" ~ BothTreacle7534
"This response from your parents is WILD. I was in your exact shoes 10 years ago with my sister's wedding. She got engaged and planned a wedding in 4 months and wanted a trip to Nashville for her bachelorette party."
"When I told her I couldn't afford it (I was saving for my own wedding, a house and paying for college classes at the time) she freaked out at me. I went to my parents, and they told her to rein it in."
"We did a night in the local city instead and her friends never paid me back for the hotel room. I asked her for help on that, and she told me that it's none of her concern. Then her friends called me to scream at me and tell me I was a horrible sister."
"My sister later went on a secret trip to Nashville with those same friends. They dubbed it her real bachelorette party. She hit a deer on her way home and was OK, but her car got totaled."
"Anyway, I'm sorry your brother is being unreasonable. Looking back, I don't regret not going into debt for my sister's bachelorette trip. I personally made my bachelorette party as cheap as I could for my friends. It's about the time spent together, not the money spent." ~ majesticallymidnight
"NTA. I was thinking that if the parents wanted him to go so badly, they should foot the bill for his attendance. Don't put your financial stability in jeopardy to fulfill his dream party."
"I don't know why these bachelor/bachelorette shindigs have gotten so out of hand. They used to be a night out (in town) and have morphed into multi-day destination extravaganzas that should be paid for by everyone except bride/groom."
"It's expensive enough to be in the wedding party for the wedding, but add on these parties and it is ridiculous." ~ Ducky818
"Yeah, it's really bizarre to me. Every single hen party (bachelorette) I've been to, the person organising it has made suggestions and asked about eveyone's budget, and then made sure that the plan is for something that everyone can afford."
"Ones I've done have been:"
"- Nice meal out followed by clubbing (eveyone except one weird woman) chipped in to cover the cost of the bride's meal and drinks"
"- Hotel & Spa - the organiser found a deal which was dinner, bed and breakfast plus one small treatment (mani or pedi) plus use of the facilities like the pool, hot tub and sauna for a fixed price, within eveyone's budget so all people had was their travel and drinks over the fixed fee (and the organiser made clear that they would look for other options if the budget was too high )"
"- Long weekend overseas - this was a small goup, and as the accommodation was a flat belonging to the groom it was very cheap, flights , food and a small contribution to cover utilities"
"- Spa day and meal out" ~ ProfessorYaffle1
"The family telling you to 'put it on your credit card' and go into debt is wild."
"NTA. I gave my lil bro $500 as a wedding gift and he profusely thanked me. Seems your family has backward priorities." ~ Darling_3000
"NTA - but your brother and family sure are. If your parents want you to join, then they need to pay you to do it."
"Destination bachelor/bachelorette parties have never made sense to me - it's a huge ask in terms of time and money. You shouldn't be going into debt for HIS party and he shouldn't be asking you to." ~ CatDog4565
"I don't mind the destination bachelor parties, but I do think people need to try to offer affordable ways to do it. Go to Vegas and get cheaper rooms and if people want to pony up for a suite, let them."
"I also think the problem is frequently timing. People wanting destination bachelor/bachelorette parties when they are getting older and friends have wives and kids are just clueless."
"I could afford it in my mid 20s, eat ramen for a few weeks, etc... But once I had a mortgage and family? I'm not breaking the budget to ditch my family."
"Those who try it when they are younger have people who can't afford it. There is a sweet spot (not for all) where people have some extra $ and time to do it, but then everyone expects it to be reciprocated 5 years later and it's not realistic." ~ Ok-Wonder851
"Tell your parents that being the best man at your brother's wedding is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and they are not being supportive if they don't pay for it. Just tell them to put it on a credit card and deal with it later or something." ~ Xerpentine
Going into debt for your own wedding is ill-advised.
Going into debt for someone else's wedding is absurd.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp