Relationships change over time.
It's difficult to learn that not every person someone loves as a lover, a friend, or even a family member will be around forever.
People evolve and find new paths.
This can lead to some serious relationship adjustments.
And sometimes, those adjustments don't always work.
Redditor u/__quietobserver wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
"AITA for backing out of my bachelor trip after my friends refused to change the destination?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I’m a 30-year-old male and have been living with my G[irl]F[riend] for around 10 years."
"We’re getting married this year."
"I have two very close friends I’ve known for about 15 years."
"We grew up together and were extremely close."
"About 5 years ago, I moved to another city with my partner, so now we mostly stay in touch by phone."
"When we were teenagers, we were reckless."
"We smoked w**d, cigarettes, drank, had multiple relationships/affairs, and did plenty of stupid things without thinking about consequences."
"Over the years, I’ve changed."
"I quit w**d, now drink only occasionally, and I’m trying to quit smoking."
"I’m also much more focused on my career, finances, investments, and planning for the future."
"My friends still have a similar lifestyle to what we had back then."
"They still party, drink, and smoke regularly."
"I don’t judge them, but my priorities have changed."
"This year I am getting married, and one of my friends is also getting married, so the four of us planned a bachelor trip to Sikkim."
"Before booking, we all agreed that if the weather became bad or conditions became unsafe, we would change the destination."
"About a week before the trip, the weather in Sikkim worsened, and there were confirmed reports of landslides."
"I asked the others if we could change the destination."
"They strongly disagreed."
"They said our route was safe, I was overreacting, and the sources I was using were bogus."
"The conversation became heated, and they basically told me I was talking nonsense."
"I even offered to compensate them for the bookings so nobody would lose money by changing plans."
"They still refused."
"My girlfriend and family were also strongly against me going because of the weather."
"My friends then told me to lie to my girlfriend and family and go anyway."
"That really bothered me."
"I eventually decided I wasn’t comfortable taking the risk, especially since changing the destination was something we had all previously agreed upon if conditions worsened."
"So I withdrew from the trip."
"Now I’m worried I may have seriously damaged a 15-year friendship, possibly even ended it."
"Part of me thinks I made the responsible choice."
"Another part wonders if I was being overly cautious and should have just gone along with them."
"I know my friends don’t have to live the way I do, and I don’t think I’m better than them because I’ve changed."
"But I do feel we’re in different stages of life now, with different ideas about risk and responsibility."
"I’m honestly scared that I might end up having no friends after this; I don't have any other friends."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for backing out of the trip?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A-hole.
"NTA for backing out to protect yourself, but what do your friends’ party habits have to do with this situation?"
"You set up this scenario where you paint them as being less mature and more into partying, but the actual scenario has to do with weather and safety."
"I wonder if you just don’t like these people anymore." ~ singerbeerguy
"Buddy, I’ve seen some pretty graphic things on Reddit."
"I don’t think you have to censor the word 'weed.'”
"This alone makes me feel comfortable saying NTA."
"If you’re too worried about saying a colloquial term for marijuana here, you’re both not a risk-taker and have outgrown your friend group."
"Both of these things are normal, by the way."
"You couldn’t pay me to go to a place at risk of landslides, especially with people who likely won’t take things seriously."
"And friends who want you to lie to your partner aren’t friends at all." ~ i_heart_nutella
"NTA. Does it suck to possibly end a friendship over this? Yes."
"Would it suck more to be hit by a landslide?"
"Also yes." ~ Mushion
"NTA. Landslides and bad weather are dangerous."
"You were smart to communicate your boundary/contingency before, and everyone agreed."
"You are the one following through with the agreed-upon plan, not them."
"On top of that, you even offered them $, and they still refused to follow the plan they agreed to after you went out of your way for them." ~ MsMantisToboggan
"NTA for putting your safety first and respecting your relationship."
"When we grow up, our priorities change, and we grow."
"Sometimes our friendships become incompatible, and even detrimental to us."
"I very much believe that you are the company you keep."
"Some things to consider." ~ BadPom
"NTA. I was in a similar spot once and had put money down in a trip with friends."
"I had to back out because of a surgery that I didn’t know if it would or wouldn’t happen during the time we were going to go."
"I told them it may, and they said it was fine."
"They ended up not refunding any of my money AND filled my spot on the trip."
"It was a lot of money to lose to learn who my friends actually were." ~ Boring_Material_1891
"Solid NTA."
"You were upfront with your friends, told them your reasoning."
"You also listened to your girlfriend and her family's concerns."
"Your friends told you to outright lie to your girlfriend, asking you to put them first."
"You made a choice."
"Your girlfriend and her family come first."
"Plus, you're also entitled to have your own opinion, which your friends did not respect."
"They didn't respect your girlfriend and told you to lie to her."
"Good for you for deciding where your allegiance lies and sticking to it under pressure."
"If you keep this up, it bodes well for you and your new family." ~ thinlySlicedPotatos
"NTA - I'm sure your loved ones would appreciate that you are alive but lost 15-year friendships rather than the risk of not being alive or maimed and being beloved by those same friends." ~ UnauthorizedCat
"NTA, your friends sound like the type that if you do end up in an emergency situation, they would not handle it well."
"Growing up sometimes means letting go of people who no longer fit into our life."
"Have you put any effort into making friends in the new city?"
"It's not healthy for anyone to rely on just your partner for all your emotional needs." ~ Red-Cloud-44
"NTA. I hate to say this, but you have already lost these 'friends.'"
"Your lives have changed."
"Friends will come and go."
"It’s the way the world works."
"If they truly were friends, they would have changed the plans so you were comfortable." ~ Buckleupbuttercup77
"NTA - you are backing out for a legitimate reason, and your friend should be more considerate of everyone else's safety."
"Honestly, if you do lose this friend, it wouldn't be your fault, and it's not a friendship worth having if they are willing to risk people's safety just for a trip and are also encouraging you to lie about it." ~ amelia611
"NTA. I went on vacation during the first week of March 2020."
"One of the people on the trip backed out last minute because there were reports of a new disease spreading."
"They were correct."
"Of course, nobody on our trip got sick, but they prioritized their own safety in the face of uncertainty, and that was their right, as it is yours." ~ Antigravity1231
"NTA, you do what works for you, but I think your main issue here is you need to find new friends."
"Time to pick up a social hobby, or volunteer, or anything to put you in a more social setting where you can meet people."
"These old friends don't live near you, so you can't see them on a consistent basis, and they don't sound compatible with your current lifestyle."
"You don't have to drop them entirely, but you should have other close friends to rely on who have more in common with you." ~ Zealousideal_Long118
"NTA. People can change as they grow older."
"You have different priorities in life now, and there is nothing wrong with that."
"It may be that your friendships have changed too."
"Perhaps it is time to find new friends."
"Just part of life’s path." ~ SadTree6038
"NTA, it's not a bad thing that you have different risk tolerance than your friends."
"The problem(s) are that they went back on the original agreement AND then encouraged you to lie to your soon-to-be wife and her family."
"So they disrespected you and then encouraged you to disrespect the woman you hope to spend your life with."
"These are not 'friends' I would travel with, especially not somewhere possibly dangerous."
"These are friends I would meet for coffee when I go home."
"You are 30, not 80; you have lots of time to make new friends."
"Ones that respect and value you and your new family." ~ MsJennifer18415
"You NTA, but they also are NTA."
"I've been with friends who ruin trips over trivial safety concerns, and it's a terrible time."
"Everyone should be safe, but for all three to strongly disagree tells me you are overreacting a bit, and something similar has happened before."
"It sounds like you used to use substances to curb your anxiety, but now without it, you cannot do that anymore." ~ Feistygrapefruit152
It's hard to stand up to friends.
It doesn't mean you don't care for each other.
But people do outgrow one another.
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