It's very frustrating when someone backs out of an agreement, often for both parties.
Most of the time, the one backing out tends to feel bad, knowing they've left people that matter to them in a lurch.
Of course, the ones who relied on those people are no doubt even more frustrated, as they need to go back to the drawing board.
Redditor Zavarakatranemi had agreed to house-sit for some friends of theirs over the Thanksgiving holidays.
Initially, the original poster (OP) was looking forward to this.
However, upon learning more information ahead of their agreed upon time, the original poster (OP) ended up backing out.
Much to the anger of their friends.
Concerned they may not have behaved fairly, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for backing out of housesitting for someone because of their new cameras?"
The OP explained why they cancelled on their friends at the last minute:
"Context: I work in corporate, handle highly sensitive and classified information, and take many calls around tech & trade 'secrets'."
"Due to work I will not be taking time off for Thanksgiving."
"A friendly couple lives 2 hours away."
"They planned to travel for 4 days during Thanksgiving, and asked early in September if I could house-sit."
"Due to location they have difficulty finding someone (no family/friends close by), and randos are either unreliable or super expensive."
"I have done this a few times, and since my partner would be away during those days, I accepted."
"They're 20ish minutes away from the nearest town, and have several security measures in place, including cameras in every room except the bathrooms."
"I know and don't mind this at all."
"A week later they politely inquired if I would be open to stay longer, so they could extend their vacation from the 20th-30th and organize a family reunion."
"I checked with my partner (who then also extended his away time) and confirmed I would be perfectly happy to do this."
"The house is amazing -pool, hot tub, home theater, massive kitchen- so overall it is a treat, despite the 2h drive to get there, and me working throughout my stay."
"At their insistence they have always paid me a token amount, even though they fully stock up for house-sitters and I would do it for free."
"They are taking a mini-trip to our area, and we met yesterday for dinner."
"It came up that they upgraded their security system to cameras that also record sound."
"I asked how can I turn that feature off and they said 1) they don't know if it's possible outside the mobile app, which I won't have access to, 2) they just got them installed and they would rather I don't turn it off/tamper with the cameras at all, like the other times I house-sat for them."
"I told them that won't work. If their new cameras record sound, I would not be able to take any calls in the office or at all, unless I go in the bathrooms or outside, neither of which I am willing to do."
"I told them these are my boundaries (happy to do it but I want total control of the camera sound while I'm there), and to think about it and let me know asap."
"They are -understandably- upset because 1) they extended their away time only after they confirmed I would be available, and now they can't cancel and get refunds on tickets and bookings, 2) finding someone so last minute (due to location) is a lot more difficult, let alone stressful, 3) it would cost a lot to find someone random to house-sit for the original 4 days during Thanksgiving, let alone 10 etc."
"My partner later suggested I should reconsider working during Thanksgiving week, take a break, and treat this as a vacation for myself."
"That way I can both relax and not inconvenience our friends."
"But 1) I am swamped with work and can't slow down right now, and 2) were I to not work during Thanksgiving, I would rather join him and not house-sit alone in the boonies."
"When they asked in September, they had the same setup as before (cameras in every room, video only) with which I was familiar and ok."
"While to me it seems excessive, they live isolated in the woods, and there have been break-ins in the past, and they can take whatever measures they see fit for their property with no judgement from my part."
"They only upgraded a few weeks ago to the +audio ones, over a month after they originally asked me, and they did inform me last night."
"AITA for backing out 'last minute' over this detail?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community agreed that the OP was not the a**Hole for backing out of housesitting for their friends:
Everyone agreed that the OP deserved their right to privacy, and that they were not pulling out, but instead didn't feel comfortable with the arrangement that their friends pulled on them:
"NTA, they upgraded their system, they for sure can turn off the audio."
"Heck I have cheapo cameras and they all allow me to turn off the audio."- demon803
"NTA."
"You didn't change your mind at the last minute for nothing, they omitted to tell you their new security features now picks up sound."
"You have the right housesit without being monitored, that's the whole point you are there to secure the house."
"They don't need to secure the security person too."
"It's a simple fix on their end turn off the security camera's while you're staying and everyone is happy; except they want their cake and eat it too and they can't."
"They need to choose what is more important to them."
"The ball is in their court and now they need to make a decision either way."- Longjumping_Win4291
"NTA."
"Clearly their camera sound violates your work requirements."
"Turning off the system is an inconvenience to them, and they seem to think it's MORE of an inconvenience to figure out how to turn them off than finding a house sitter."
"That's their decision, not yours."- HowlPen
"NTA."
"They changed the situation in a major way and are being stiff-necked about accommodating your needs, which it sounds like they could easily do."
"They could turn off that feature with the mobile app (and presumably you could have access to the app if they'd let you)."
"They just hope you'll knuckle under."- ReadMeDrMemory
"NTA."
"When they were confirming the dates with you, they also should have notified you of the updates to their cameras."
"You have to be pretty oblivious not to be aware of the increased liabilities of recording audio as opposed to just video, and while maybe they are just that oblivious, that's not your problem to resolve for them."
"You cannot housesit for them while their cameras record audio because it creates a conflict with your ability to take work calls during that timeframe."
"They can find someone else, cancel the trip, figure out how to turn the audio off, or turn the cameras off entirely during that time."
"But those are their options."- CrewelSummer
"I think the cameras area deal-breaker and they were not contemplated in the discussions that lead to your agreeing to stay. I am not suggesting they hid this from you but they should have told you."
"Whether or not I worked in a business that involved trade secrets I would not consent to being recorded in a private space."
"That's gross."
"NTA."- SalaudChaud
"You're NTA, and your friends are being extremely manipulative."
"Any claim that they can't find someone last minute, it's too expensive, their tickets are non-refundable, etc is ignoring objective reality."
"All they need to do is turn the sound off, and they have a free and available house sitter."
"If they choose not to do that, they are the ones causing the problem."
"I would reconsider if you want to be friends with people trying to gaslight you into thinking you created a problem they manufactured."- thetinymole
"NTA."
"They can simply give you control of turning off the audio while you are there, or they can STFU and accept that this happened because they did something without informing you ahead of time so you could make an informed decision."
"I would not trust them to just tell you they turned it off because there is too much risk they didn't really do it but said they did to appease you."
"Given the nature of your work, I would want direct control."- Vyckerz
The OP agreed to housesit knowing exactly what they were getting in for.
If it's fair to say that the OP bailed on them at the last minute, it's also true that the their friends made a last minute change that they were not comfortable with, and were not part of what the OP agreed upon.
Indeed, as turning off the sound of the cameras is in the hands of the OP' friends, the ball is in their court on this one.
And they should think very carefully as to whether or not cancelling their non-refundable trip would be worth not finding a way to turn off the sound on their cameras...
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp