Being uncomfortable in clothes at formal events can be a nightmare.
There is just no way to find time or a place for peace.
Everyone’s willing to make some concessions to suit the bride and groom’s vision.
But when and where do you draw the line?
Redditor SoliraTwilight to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for saying I don’t want to be my friend’s ‘fat bridesmaid aesthetic?'”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (29 F[emale]) have a friend, (30 F), who’s getting married in October.”
“We’ve been close since college, but lately, it feels like I’m just… an aesthetic filler to her.”
“She picked her bridal party dresses without asking for input, and they’re tight.”
“Like SKIMS-meets-sausage-casing tight.”
“I’m a size 16. The other girls are size 2–6.”
“I asked if there were other options, and she laughed and said, ‘Nooo I love how it looks with all different body types, like it’s giving real women.’”
“Excuse me?”
“I asked her straight up if she just wanted me there as some token diversity of size, and she got quiet, then hit me with the ‘You’re so confident, though! That’s why I wanted you in it!’”
“Which is honestly code for ‘you make me look better.’”
“I told her I’m not comfortable being someone’s walking body positivity prop, and maybe she should get one of her influencer friends instead.”
“She cried and told me I was ruining her vision, and now the group chat is weirdly quiet.”
“My B[oy]F[riend] thinks I should just suck it up for the day, but I’m so tired of pretending s**t doesn’t bother me when it clearly does.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA for saying I don’t want to be part of her Pinterest fantasy?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. It wasn’t, ‘But I want you by my side’ it was, ‘You’re ruining my vision.'”
“I’m sorry.”
“For you learning this about her.”
“For learning this about your BF.” ~ OkManufacturer767
“She cried, and told me I was ruining her vision.”
“I mean, that’s the kicker, isn’t it?”
“If she’d said ‘Nooo, I want you there because you’re my friend’ then maybe you’d simply misread the situation and overreacted.”
“But she’s not even pretending that you’re anything more than a prop to fulfill her ‘vision.'”
“Find a better friend. NTA.” ~ boring_pants
“NTA. When you said you didn’t want to be a bridesmaid, she said, ‘You’re ruining my vision.'”
“She didn’t say, ‘You’re one of my best friends and I want you by my side when I get married,’ or ‘Our friendship is really special, and it won’t be the same without you.'”
“She pretty much confirmed you’re a bridesmaid because of how you look.”
“There’s no reason you should feel bad about dropping out; she can go hire someone to take your place who ‘it’s her vision.'” ~ IDontLikeGreenPeas
“The whole ‘vision’ thing is so weird.”
“The appropriate response from her should have been, ‘I really want the people closest to me standing with me on my big day.'”
“Of course, you can wear a different version of that dress. NTA.” ~ AnonAttemptress
“NTA. This isn’t a clothing catalog shoot, where you’d get paid to show how a dress looks on different body types, it’s a WEDDING.”
“You’re a human being, not a project.”
“Screw her.” ~ Slight-Leg9635
“NTA. That’s super weird.”
“I’m fat, I’m confident in being fat, and I would bow out of being the fat person on display like in a freakshow, too.” ~ totallyworkinghere
“NTA. She literally flat-out told you she only wanted you there because of your size.”
“Nothing about you being an amazing friend or how much she loves you.”
“You have no obligation to help her achieve her ‘vision.'”
“I would seriously reconsider the friendship.” ~ LibraryMegan
“I gotta say NTA.”
“My fiancé and I are planning a wedding.”
“She’s leaving the bridesmaid’s dresses up to them (even though she has the final say) as long as the color is right.”
“The dress that looks good on one person may not be on another, even if they are the same size.”
“You gotta feel good in what you’re wearing.” ~ jonnysledge
“NTA. I remember Glee, where the big girls Mercedes and Lauren would sometimes wear more modest versions of the girl’s outfits during performances for the actress’s personal comfort.”
“Something like that wouldn’t be too much to ask for if the bride cares more about her friends than her “vision.'” ~ Reptyle216
“You are NTA girl!”
“Her whole reasoning sounds super weird.”
“And a true friend would never want you to be uncomfortable like that.”
“You shouldn’t have to ‘suck it up.'”
“Your feelings are very valid.” ~ materialgurlemi
“NTA. The fact that she’s reducing you to your body type for her ‘perfect wedding photos’ is disgusting.”
“I faced something similar last year – the bride literally told me I’d ‘balance out’ her skinny bridesmaids.”
“Needless to say, I dropped out and haven’t spoken to her since.”
“Sometimes trash takes itself out.” ~SpicyCupcake111
“NTA but the bride AND your BF are.”
“He should be supporting you and building you up, not telling you to just suck it up and subject yourself to that kind of humiliation and embarrassment just to keep other people happy.” ~ QualityParticular739
“NTA. You asked about alternatives, and she was really rude to you.”
“A true friend would’ve worked with you so that both of you were comfortable.” ~ kk1289
“NTA. I was a bridesmaid at my friend’s wedding.”
“She just gave us the color swatch and the website it was from.”
“Then we all picked out our own dresses.”
“It’s so much easier that way for everyone.”
“The bridesmaids can wear a dress they’re comfortable in, and the bride doesn’t have to stress about the fact that not everyone is going to look good in or appreciate a specific dress she picks out.” ~ Miserable_Credit_402
“NAH. It sounds like you may have just dumped all your insecurities on her out of nowhere.”
“Not everyone is going to know how to respond to that, especially if you’ve never said anything previously.”
“Have another conversation.”
“Don’t trauma/insecurity dump and make assumptions based on your insecurities. TALK.”
“Maybe she’ll prove herself shallow.”
“Maybe she won’t.” ~ guacamore
“NTA. Listen, I’ll be honest with you.”
“I’m not sure if I’m buying what you’re selling regarding the conversation you had with the bride.”
“It sounds like it’s being told through a filter of hurt feelings or just flat out bias. Regardless…”
“You don’t have to be in any wedding as a Bridesmaid that you don’t want to be in.”
“If you aren’t going to be comfortable in the dress, decline.”
“You don’t have to ‘suck it up’ as you claim your boyfriend says you should do.”
“Though I’m not sure why he would care.” ~ peppermintmeow
“NTA. You shouldn’t have to wear anything that makes you feel uncomfortable about your appearance.”
“It is fine that she made a wrong assumption that you are body confident and wouldn’t mind, but if you’ve told her that it is too tight-fitting and you feel like she is highlighting your body shape in a way that makes you uncomfortable and she isn’t willing to offer any compromises, then she is not a good friend.”
“Wedding ot not, I don’t think you have to play along if she is prioritising her aesthetic ideals over your feelings.” ~ mavenmim
A few people had a different opinion…
“It seems like you might be filtering her conversation with you with some of your own insecurities.”
“Hard to say without knowing who she is.”
“You mention her having ‘influencer friends’ which might mean she really does view her friends as props in her wedding.”
“But it’s not unusual at all for brides to choose their bridesmaid’s dresses with zero input.”
“I was a bridesmaid in four different weddings, and I was never consulted about the dress.”
“Maybe YTA?” ~ Crochetgardendog
“YTA – what are these commenters on?”
“Like it’s a secret brides have a vision on their wedding day?”
“Plus size girlies are always on that ‘I can wear the same thing’ vibe, and instead of asking her if you could wear something else, you went straight to she’s a bad friend?”
“Bridesmaids tend to all wear the same thing – she picked a dress she thought everyone would look good in.”
“You’re bringing the drama and losing friends.”
“You could have approached this so differently.” ~ haveanotherpringle
But for the most part, Reddit spoke in unison…
“I also think this is some filtering/projection.”
“Weddings make people stressed and, honestly, if one of my friends asked me if they were my ‘token diversity’ at an event I would be at a complete loss for words too.”
“Is the bride slimmer?”
“It might be that until you pointed out that, even if she thinks you would feel comfortable in a tight-fitting dress, she hadn’t actually considered that you, as a woman who is larger than the other bridesmaids and herself, may actually not want to be in this same dress.”
“I get that her saying ‘you’re ruining my vision’ feels like it is all about the look—but you did just suggest she was super shallow and should just pick a bridesmaid off the internet because of their looks.”
“Her ‘vision’ might just be about all the girls wearing that dress—not about you looking larger than the other bridesmaids.”
“It doesn’t sound like it was a super great conversation for either of you and it is probably worth trying to have it again when you are both in a better headspace.”
“You should not wear something you are not comfortable wearing— but also, if you usually wear tight clothes and rock them, she may legitimately think you would look great in the dress and would not have had such a strong reaction.”
“I am also cognizant that there may have been other ‘off’ interactions with the Bride that lead you to believe she did NOT have the best of intentions here.”
“So, pending more info, NAH.” ~ LastStopKembleford
Most of Reddit has your back, OP.
You can’t spend an entire day uncomfortable in your body.
But you can have it altered.
That would be reasonable.
Maybe try to have a calm sit down with her and express your feelings in detail.
Good Luck.