Don't drink and drive.
That is a MAJOR life lesson people still struggle with.
The aftermath has long-reaching effects.
Some of those effects are hospital stays.
And those stays can be stressful.
Redditor Decent-Delivery-3603 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for not stopping my teenage son's G[irl]F[riend] from kissing him?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My (50) son (17) recently got into a car accident with a drunk driver."
"I am very thankful that he is alive, obviously, but his car is totaled (the drunk driver was driving a pickup, and my son drives a small old convertible, most likely the reason for the amount of damage) and he is fairly injured, ie multiple breaks, lots of stitches, etc, and is currently recovering."
"This all occurred last week on Saturday, the night of the accident."
"My family (my wife, 45, and daughter,14) got there, I want to say, an hour before his girlfriend?"
"When she came in, she ran to him in his hospital bed and started hugging and kissing him (mainly on the lips but other places on his face too)."
"She stayed for most of the night, checking up on him and being supportive, and I was happy that my son and his GF had such a good relationship."
"As we were driving home that night my wife said she was upset I didn't say anything to my son's GF."
"I asked why I would have as she was being a good partner."
"My wife said that it felt weird seeing that, especially in front of his family."
"I said that he was going off to college regardless and that she was being a really nice partner, and that night showed us how much she truly cared for him."
"She rushed off of work to get there and was still wearing her work clothes as she got there."
"My wife started getting angrier and said that she thought it was gross and that I should just ask her to leave sometime."
"I told her that I'm, not telling my hospitalized son that I'm taking away someone that clearly makes him happy."
"She told me it was gross and that I needed to put a stop to it."
"I told her she was worrying about the wrong thing and that anything that brought our son comfort was good (my brother had taken my daughter home before this, she didn't hear us arguing). "
"She told me I needed to step up and do my job and I've kept thinking about it, and I have started to keep thinking about it and thinking that I am in the wrong.
The OP was left to wonder:
"So, AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. Your wife needs to accept that your son is growing up."
"A 5-year-old says kissing is gross, not a 45-year-old with multiple children."
"What kind of argument is that?"
"Besides, kissing is not inappropriate at 17 years old, and she was relieved to see him after a scary accident."
"It's not like they spend their free time making out in front of you." ~ JustheBean
"Yeah, OP's wife is clinging to the hope that her son is still her baby boy."
"She needs to get over it and realize he's almost an adult. NTA." ~ DrBlankslate
"NTA. She doesn't want him to grow up but can't admit this is how she feels."
"So, she is acting like a three-year-old."
"Moms doing this with their sons has got to stop."
"It inevitably ruins their mother/son relationship and can ruin his relationship with his S[ignificant] O[ther]."
"I have a M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] who tried to do that to us."
"Thankfully my husband did not stand for it, and she stepped back."
"He is a wonderful son, but he drew the line there." ~ SheeScan
"Agreed. NTA."
"These women have raised sons with absolutely no regard for women or other people really, no abilities to cook or clean for themselves, and no accountability for themselves."
"Luckily, some of them turn out great still, like your husband seems to have."
"I have a son, almost 9, and these women are my motivation for what not to be as he gets older."
"I grew up in a boy mom household, like literally me and my brother would agree, but if I said anything, I was called crazy or emotional or PMSing."
"He could say the same thing, and it'd be 'Oh baby, I'm so sorry…' etc."
"My brother, lucky for me, also saw this and knows it's not okay." ~ slipperyCactuses
"I'm sorry for saying this, but someone needs to."
"Your wife is acting like she's jealous."
"She needs a reality check."
"Your son has his own life, and he is not her little baby anymore."
"He is about to go to college."
"He is basically grown."
"The only reason to have an issue with it is if the son has an issue with it."
"It's his body, not your wife's. "
"If he had an issue with it, then he would have said so."
"Is this more about her being upset that he is hurt but doesn't need her as much anymore or because she knows he is about to leave and go to college?"
"Either way, she sounds jealous, and that's not healthy for her or your son or for your relationship with her or for her relationship with the son."
"Tell her to go to therapy." ~ Kitty-CatThulhu
"NTA. Your wife is one of those women who want to chase off women from their sons."
"Keep her away from his relationships." ~ Toyletduck
"THIS! God, those moms are the worst!!"
"I've been SO close with every other ex's mom, but I'm currently dating a guy with a boy mom who is jealous and literally calls me the devil woman."
"She is so jealous of the time he spends with me."
"This has been very sad for me, I don't have a mom so I have always dreamt of having a mother-in-law."
"I was so excited and pushing him to have her around more than he wanted until she called me lazy for sleeping during the day when I was sick instead of cleaning up after him."
"(He's 45 and I'm 36)."
"Since then it's only gotten worse."
"She just wants him all to herself. "
"The result is she gets less of her son, his choice." ~ PotentialLow6772
"NTA, your wife feeling uncomfortable CAN be valid."
"I'm sure there's a level of feelings seeing one's kid grow up, but demanding you do anything about it is crossing the line."
"If she has an issue with public affection, that's her issue, not anyone else's." ~ devsfan1830
"100% this."
"I'm sure any weird feelings your wife has about your kid almost being an adult are extremely amplified by the circumstances."
"But these are feelings for her to work through in private or with a therapist, not take out on… her severely injured son and his caring girlfriend."
"Absolutely NTA." ~ icouldliveinhope
"Definitely NTA."
"Your wife, on the other hand, is acting weird."
"Don't let her ruin your son's relationship with his girlfriend."
"You're probably a pretty good dad!"
"Hope your son will be better soon!" ~ gipsysandokan
"NTA. Your wife will cause your son to seriously resent both of you as he is recovering from a serious injury right before he's about to be an adult."
"Pretty soon, he doesn't have to visit either of you if he doesn't want to, and trying to stop him from having a relationship won't work."
"He'll just hide it from you and build resentment." ~ RealWanderingWizard
"NTA. Your wife seems overbearing."
"It's normal at that age to kiss, and if she felt uncomfortable, she could have politely asked your son's girlfriend not to do it in front of her."
"Instead, she ran to you so you can bring it up to your son."
"This will do two things for her: 1) she gets an ally for her overbearing ways, and 2) you become the scapegoat if your son pushes back."
"I am willing to bet my last dollar that she's going to be a monster-in-law." ~ paint-me-mie
"DEFINITELY NTA."
"If your son had objected, that'd be one thing because consent matters."
"Good for you for not making your wife's hangups your son's problem."
"She clearly has some issue going on."
"The real question I'd be asking in your place is, 'My job is to teach my son to be an adult and how to have a good, loving, consensual relationship. Everything I saw shows that. What job, exactly, did I not do here?'"
"You sound genuinely concerned for your son's well-being."
"Your wife sounds like she's concerned with not seeing her son as the subject of non-familial affection." ~ esmerelofchaos
"When I read the title, I expected a story about how the GF made your son visibly uncomfortable, and you didn't step in… because that would be the only reason for you to say anything to her."
"Your wife is being completely not-normal about this. NTA." ~ Mother_of_Cats_041
"NTA. If your wife is uncomfortable seeing your almost adult son being kissed, she should just go ahead and uninvite herself from his eventual wedding right now; because there's gonna be a whole lot more family there than what was in his hospital room." ~ hayy-there-eliza23
"No, NTA, you're levelheaded here."
"I get that maybe your wife is uncomfortable, but she's not explaining what her real issue is, and that's what needs to be discussed."
"Just saying it's 'gross' and you need to do some kind of job here is not enough."
"She may be having a hard time with your son's accident, him getting older, leaving the house soon, and becoming independent, but you need to find out what's really behind this to resolve the issue." ~ ActuaryMean6433
Reddit is on your side, OP.
Your wife is having a strange reaction to affection.
The GF sounds lovely.
Everyone is so happy he is ok.
Hopefully, your wife will come around.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp